This article is part of my Mentoring for Tops/Sirs/Doms/Masters curriculum.
UPDATE: Here is the audio from the follow-up discussion.
Decades ago, I figured something out, and it has guided me well as a leader, and a Sir:
People generally don't give themselves permission to have a good time. They wait for someone else to ring the bell, and to get the party started.I can't claim to be like everybody else. I'm extroverted, perceptive and highly intuitive. This may or may not describe you. However, I'm going to assume that you share my desire to guide people into doing what they want, with all of their hearts.
This applies to me as a community leader, and also as a Sir to submissives. It also works very nicely in the general public. I am going to use a series of "parables" (stories with a moral center) and instructional text to illustrate what I am attempting to teach:
1. Skating in the 1970's
Back in the Xanadu era, roller-skating was BIG. Here in San Diego, the roads in Balboa Park were divided down the middle: Cars on one side, roller-skaters on the other. My older boyfriend and I were skating in the park one summer evening, and we heard dance-music coming from up ahead.
We saw about 400 people standing in a crowd, all facing inward. Somebody had set up an enormous boom-box (it was new technology back then, and very expensive) and was playing really nice disco music. In the center of the crowd were about 100 people dancing joyfully. Everybody else was looking on, yearning to be invited to join in.
I saw this, and yelled out "EVERYBODY, LET'S DANCE!" and the crowd instantly started dancing. ALL of them.
Here is the obvious point:
In many of life's circumstances, nobody would have gotten the party started, and those folks would have missed-out on a peak life experience. My ability to see the need, my desire to cause a breakthrough opportunity, and then my impulse to act upon it, made a pleasurable difference in those people's lives.
If that describes you (when you are at your best), then please read on.
2. Sex with Colt Models, Part One
This section does not cover the way that I think nowadays, as I enter old age.
It is included to explain how I started developing the philosophy, as a young man.
Back in the 1970's, the absolute ultimate in male erotica came from Colt Studios, at least in the opinion of MY leathermen's crowd. Colt was selling a lot of calendars, jerk-off books, videos, photos and camera slides, back in the days before home video and the Internet.
I used to work out my muscles a lot, as a young man. I was going to the Bodybuilders Gym six days a week in Silverlake California, by West Hollywood. I developed a technique for having sex with Colt models that NEVER failed.
This next part is going to sound like I am bragging. That is not my intention. My goal is to illustrate the larger point.
The gym was just down the road from one of Colt Studios' photography studios. There was an agreement between the two businesses that the models would come down to the gym and get a good "pump" before being photographed. That fit in nicely with MY plans, as well. :-)
I'd see a handsome new face on a muscular body, early in the day, and I'd stare at him. He'd catch my eye, look down, and then look at me again, to find me still staring. I'd jerk my chin upwards at him, and then ignore him for a while. He'd start his workout, and I would continue mine, keeping an eye on him in the wall-mirrors.
As soon as I'd see him sitting upon the Preacher Curl machine, I'd walk up behind me so that he could only see me in the mirror. I'd say "How much longer do you have on your workout?" He'd reply something like "Maybe twenty minutes". I'd say "Let me know when you are done," and then would just walk away.
Sure enough, every time, there'd be a tongue-tied man at my elbow twenty minutes later, and I'd say "I've got another five minutes - why don't you head into the steam room, and I will join you there." He'd pause, and I would say "Go ahead - It's okay", and he'd go. Every time.
After five minutes, I would join him in the steam room. He'd be nervous, shy and unsure of himself, because underneath the intimidatingly hyper-masculine externals, there'd be a shy guy who had no idea how to deal with the situation. However, he'd be deeply intrigued.
I'd start playing with him, and talking filthy, and he'd be getting more and more excited. At the same time, I could tell that he was nervous. His face was on all of the magazine covers and calendars, and he didn't want anybody to walk in, and witness him being a little slut-boy-bottom.
I'd say "I can tell that you are nervous. That's okay - I know what to do to fix it. Put on JUST your shorts, nothing else. Head on upstairs. The bathroom at the end of the hall has a door that locks, and the fan comes on really loud when you turn the light on."
Now, let's pause a moment to picture the scenario… Imagine any one of the men in the pictures above, wearing nothing but wet, nylon gym-shorts, trying to hide a hardon, and trying to nonchalantly SNEAK past a bunch of cock-eyed queens in a packed gay gym. Nonetheless, he'd be in a state of excited anticipation, and nothing was going to stop him.
I'd enter the bathroom shortly after him, and make a big show of locking the door. I'd firmly shove him up against the wall as the fan roared, and would get him more and more stimulated. He'd be rock-hard and eager. Then, I'd say "Turn Around."
He'd say "What?"
This happened EXACTLY the same way, with eighteen different men over the course of a couple of years. Every time.
I'd say "You heard me - Turn around". Just by the grace of God, I'd happen to have a small container of lube with me. Imagine that. I'd play with his butt, stimulating his prostate with my thumb. He'd get close to cumming, and I'd tell him to leave his dick alone for a moment. I was "edging" him, getting him more and more excited.
When I could tell that he was ready, I'd stand up and say "Now, back up to me", and at that point, he wasn't saying "What?" - he was making whimpering and other greedy noises. Back then, my party trick was to always time things, so that we would always cum at the same time as I fucked him.
We'd clean off afterward, thank each other, and part ways.
3. Sex with Colt Models, Part Two
After a while, word got out about me. Muscular men tend to hang out in herds, and I'd see them at the gym on a Monday morning, clustering together, and checking me out from across the room. They'd individually start flirting with me, metaphorically dropping their soap, and their handkerchiefs.
Back in those days of the late 1970's, my older boyfriend and I had a sling-room in our home. My boyfriend was the proverbial "Good Time That Was Had By All". Every weekend, we'd host a big fuck/fist/kink party. By the end of the weekend, I'd be DRAINED. The very last thing that I wanted was sex.
So, I'd look at all of these highly-eager men, and I'd sigh. I'd go up to the first man and say "See the clock? At 9:45, be in the locker room". Then, I'd go up the next man, and say the same thing, and so on. I'd arrive in the locker-room (intentionally one minute late), to find six or seven baffled men looking at each other.
I'd say "Everybody strip down, and head into the steam-room", and they would all shuck clothes as fast as they could. They would crowd into that small space, and I'd point at one of them, and say "YOU! You are the Designated Target for today." I'd point at another man: "You! Suck his cock." "You! Play with his ass." "You! Play with his nipples." and so forth...
Once they were swarming all over the lucky and very happy Designated Target, I'd say "My work here is done!" and then I'd leave.
By engaging in Permission Giving behavior, I'm causing "explosions of joy" that would never have occurred, in that time, in that place, and in that way, otherwise.
The secret is to tell folks to do what they want the MOST to do, but usually, they can't get over their inhibitions first. My gentle nudges are what shove 'em over the edge. Why gentle? Because there is a huge difference between Force, and Strength. You will notice that I did not bark abusively at them, bully them, or assume that they would follow orders that were not to their advantage or pleasure.
NOBODY wants a Sir to assume that his orders will be followed, before having some form of credibility first. We've all heard of the Top who walks up to a stranger in a bar and yells "Slave! Drop to your knees!" At that point, the vast majority of men or women will laugh and walk away, even if he is otherwise attractive. His words are writing checks that his credibility can't cash. He hasn't learned the distinction between being bossy, and being a leader.
Based upon what I have said in my story up to this point, what is the difference between me and that other guy? I am calm, sensitive to the man or woman in front of me, and gauging their reactions in a pleasant way. I'm playful, and I'm not hiding my feelings. Stoic isn't attractive to most folks. I'm being TRUE to my feelings, from moment to moment, and showing how I am having fun with it. This establishes trust, and credibility.
I used my observations of the surrounding circumstances to be able to tell when it was time to act, so that everybody (including me) had the most fun. Our culture devalues intuition, because not everybody has it in large amounts. We are supposed to elevate logic above all. However, intuition is like a muscle. The more that you trust your gut, the better that you get at succeeding.
I want you to succeed.
4. Touch = Credibility (most times)
Imagine some stranger coming up to you without any howdy-do. He starts pawing at you sexually, and without any warning. Been there.
Now, imagine some guy "talking at" you, from a distance, with his arms crossed, and giving no sign of emotion or empathy. This is also familiar.
Those two extreme examples are what we have to balance between in the middle, shifting from moment to moment. Our goal is to connect with others in an effective way, where everyone wins, joyfully. I'm going to use the word "joy," one more time. That's the best goal, so please keep it in mind.
I play with new people in public spaces as a kinky man and mentor, very regularly (dozens of times per month, lately). My specialty is newbies. When I am seeking to connect with somebody for the first time, I use touch as my main form of communication. My spoken words add value, too, but when I touch the shy, new and unsure new playmate, I say so much more, and on a deeper, instinctive level.
I use NON-sexual touch, when I am establishing credibility - I may touch their shoulder, or their hand, or on their lower back. If they are starting to relax more, I may use the "Reassuring Dad" touch - the gentle, affectionate hand on the back of the neck that says "I am here to take care of you".
I'm being the opposite of the "all hands and glands" approach. I am patient, respectful, and attentive. I am using keen observational skills to reassure them on many levels that the scary Sir is going to help them to reach their next level, and to thank me for it afterward.
As I explain elsewhere, words aren't enough. Otherwise, we could simply text-message our desires at each other, and be done with that. The goal when playing with somebody new is to feed the parts of their brain that need reassurance, seduction and relaxation. That shy new playmate WANTS to be seduced. We are just providing the Enzyme Effect:
Imagine a 55-gallon drum of clean, fresh milk. You drop in a tiny speck of enzyme, and a few hours later, you have a whole bunch of cottage cheese. The enzyme doesn't provide the energy for such a massive transformation. The MILK does. The enzyme "gives it permission" to shift into this new phase.
This is true of human interactions, as well. If we are conscious of our powers as permission-givers, then we can cause massive transformations in how the people around us experience life.
When I am playing with somebody for the first time, I am being transparent as water, from moment to moment. I am not hiding my feelings at all. The shy, new playmate's Bullshit Detectors are going at full crank, and I'm consciously aware of it. So, I don't offer any conflicting information. My calmness and self-assurance provide signals that increase trust. I am consciously, and continuously, developing credibility.
Obviously, the previous paragraphs apply to the beginning of the play. Once trust has been established, then the intensity and the power-flow will ramp way up. Words will give way to actions. However, you can't skip any steps, if you plan to be the kind of Dom/Top/Sir that excites, pleases and SUCCEEDS, every time.
5. Permission-Giving as a Way of Life
My goal in kinky play is to create "extreme intimacy." This requires focus, sensitivity, and caring. If you've stuck with me so far, you're very likely to be exactly the sort of person who needs to hear this.
I have been very successful as a family-member, as a father, as a community leader, as a Neighborhood Watch Block Captain, and as a computer consultant. At all points, I have been creating circumstances that lead to exciting breakthroughs, for myself and the folks around me. I am well-loved and respected, and when I arrive, heads turn to keep an eye on me. Everybody's waiting to see what new, magical possibilities will show up.
However, I'm getting old, and tired. Physically, I can keep up, but mentally, I struggle. So, my hope in sharing this information is that more and more younger folks will take up the challenge, and create "happiness explosions" for decades to come!