Anonymous: How do you tell the difference between sadomasochism and abuse? I mean because isn't being a sadist abusing (?) but in a good way. I'm sorry if this is a stupid question I'm just confused.
Unknown author:
It isn’t a stupid question at all. I think it’s a very real and common concern.
Common enough that there are many things such as this out there.
There is no secret. Friends. Really. There’s not. There’s no secret to making kinky partnerships work or to communicating with a partner or any other aspect of being two people in a consenting arrangement.
At least, there’s no secret that you don’t already know.
D/s is a relationship. That’s it. It’s a relationship, just like dating, just like living together, just like marriage. And the secret to managing relationships?
99% of the time, the key to managing a relationship is communication. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Tell your partner what you want, what you don’t want, what feels good and for God’s sake what doesn’t feel good.
I browse a lot of the BDSM advice blogs & groups, and I swear to God, almost every question could be answered with TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.
(The other 1% can be answered with LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS, but that’s another post entirely.)
There is very little in any healthy D/s relationship that can’t be handled with the application of a little patience and a lot of communication. And seriously, if you’re finding that the communication isn’t working, there are counselors and therapists out there who specialize in “non-traditional” relationships. Therapy is probably one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, and as a tool for the maintenance of self and relationships, there’s not much else I’d recommend more highly.
So yeah. That’s it. There’s the Big Secret everyone always wants to know.
Papa Tony:
Quoting myself:
There are TWO things, and two things ONLY, that cause long-term relationships to stay together forever. Kindness and Generosity. Science has proven this beyond all doubt. Yes, you can have that, AND wildly kinky fun. One does not preclude the other.
EVERY boy/submissive/slave that I have opened my heart to, has had issues. I’ve still got plenty of issues myself, after decades of personal growth. Me and my boys tend to be Misfit Toys together.
Think about it: I’d be astonished if we weren’t all a bit damaged. We’ve all been through the flames, in a world that has not always been particularly welcoming to us. We struggle with:
- Self-image (in a world with porn to compare ourselves to)
- Intimacy (in an age where intimacy has even led to disease and death)
- Acceptance of ourselves (when we don’t easily find supportive, true friends in a world of Scruff, Recon, Growlr etc.)
One of the most powerful things I tell my submissives, as soon as I can say it authentically, is
“I CHOOSE you this way. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”
Yes, I suppose that it is the Daddy in me… I know how powerful those words can be, so I don’t throw them around loosely. Part of my job as a Sir is validating my boys and supporting them very actively in whatever they crave as growth and improvement. I don’t try to force any of them on a path that is inappropriate or stressful… Each man is unique, and that specialness is what I’m supporting.
If we wait for a perfect lover/Master/submissive/friend, we will be waiting forever. So, let’s actively find reasons to drop the shields together.
What would you say to a boy who has a big problem with his self image and self worth?
temptingdominance:
I would say, “I don’t expect you to be perfect. I don’t expect you to know exactly what you want from life. I don’t expect you to have it all together. I don’t even expect you to know what you want for dinner. But I expect you to trust me on little point and to remember it. You matter. You may not know or even understand who you matter to, but because you are in this world, you impact someone else. You are important. I don’t want you to worry about the little stuff. I want you to do one thing for me today. I want you to smile. I want you to find one reason to smile. At least one. And tomorrow, I want you to find two. And I want you tell me what they are.”
From Sub One: Hi…just a new sub …shy and trying to learn. Any advice for me…I can c u are real-I will answer any question-I am very submissive-in LA. I am looking for a Master…I am bi - I like Total Power Exchange service….how should I start my search, or exploring, do you think?
From Sub Two: This is being a little frustrating to be honest with you.. I didn’t think it would be so hard to find someone that I felt attraction to who was into what I like.I have a profile on recon.com but everyone I talk to there say they like me and they are looking for a slave/boi but when I ask to meet or exchange numbers they say they are too busy or they stop answering or they say they already have one.. but yet they are still logged in there.
Papa Tony:
Requesting such a relationship from strangers (as you have now learned) simply doesn’t work. That is because it is a deeper-than-usual relationship that you are requesting. Back in the days when I made the mistake of creating an accurate, authentic Recon personal profile, I received A HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN requests like yours in the very first 24 hours of creating the profile. I received hundreds more (from every major continent) before I pulled the plug.
As a very high-status, ridiculously visible Sir/Daddy/Master/Dominant, I recognize that there are plenty of applicants for the position of submissive, boy or slave. Hundreds of requests (with nothing other than sheer neediness behind them) simply become background noise. It’s just how the human brain works.
You will ONLY achieve the most-effective results by becoming active in your local kinky community. Go forth and let yourself be known, not just as a submissive candidate for a relationship with a Sir, but as a great guy that your new friends can recommend.
It only works if you take the time and energy to build a solid reputation in a Tribe that wants to know what you are truly like. Otherwise, you’re just one of zillions, and nobody will notice you in the crowds.
One boy got in touch with his natural, honorable role as a Boot Submissive at last night’s Men’s Discussion. It rocked his world, and he was surrounded with approval. The Tops in the crowd noticed, too.
Your attractiveness rises:
- If you’re not a flake, and ALWAYS keep your word.
- If you’re willing to contribute to the success of various events (such as by volunteering)
- If you have Boy Scout tendencies - Trustworthy, Loyal, etc.
- If you ask for help, and listen to advice. That is what we are here for.
If you DO these things, then doors will open for you, that are invisible to most people. You’ll receive extra helpings of advice and coaching. You’ll gain better friends in your life by BEING a better friend to others.
I’m currently training dozens of dominant males to take ownership of their Mastery and Sir status. They will ALL need boys, slaves, submissives, eventually.
If you are the type of guy who wants to grow and learn, and support others in their growth, then you’re the kind of submissive male that GETS THE SIR.
The ball is now in your court. Let’s see if you can take the first steps that I recommend, and then you will find that more, really useful information gets unlocked for you…
To become active in your local kinky community, requires there to actually be a local kinky community.
Try going lateral - What if there is a THRIVING community nearby, but it is not visible to you?
Many isolated gay males are find community of a sort on Fetlife. They can attend local “munches” where male and female Doms and subs mingle. You may well be the only visible gay-male there, but you will still be welcome. They may have wise advice for you that will help you on your path. Some of the best wisdom I have ever received as been from heterosexuals, lesbians and transfolk.
They might be able to steer you into better directions that lead to you achieving your goals. It’s an option.
There are also issues when those active in your local community. When it is dominated by dangerous idiots who wantonly will not take advice, who will not practice safer sex and have no regard for the basics of sane safe and consensual interactions and have injured people. I am currently trying to persuade an acquaintance that they should go to the police. However the “Spanner judgement” is a major impediment - this judgement states “any injury, no matter how transient cannot be consented to.
I agree! There has never been a time where we didn’t have crap like this happening. In the absence of kind, wise and respectable leaders, then the Law of the Jungle prevails. When that happens, then bullies get to be at the top of the heap.
In my own case, I had to create my own, separate and safe social circle. When given a better choice, the brotherly men came running, and the bullies lost all power.
Anonymous: What are the top 6 traits you desire in your ultimate ideal sub?
Unknown Author:
1. An interesting human being. Lately I’ve come to a very defined point when it comes to my own interactions with someone I’m attracted to. There has to be something there. It cannot be all physical attraction. The gears must turn. There has to be passion for something Beyond sex. A drive to make the world better. An interest in a vocation. The desire to learn. The unequivocal Wanderlust.
2. Acceptance of what you want. I’m not saying you have to figure it out everything. There’s plenty to explore. But I want you to know that you want something. I don’t want to force you. I don’t want you to fake it. I don’t want you to pretend. I want you to love what I love.
3. An understanding of the line between fantasy and reality. This is perhaps the greatest problem of the internet age. Tumblr. Grindr. Recon. You have to know what is pretend and what is real. Know that someone cannot be submissive 24/7 nor can they be dominant for just as long. Know that there’s a time and a place for everything.
4. Embrace Humanity. A boy is not an object to me. He is a person. He’s a beautiful being. He deserves my respect. I will not dehumanize you. I will still do all the things you desire including humiliation play. But I cannot use you and toss you away. To this end, I say there’s just as much joy and fucking while you’re tied to the bed as there is going to Dairy Queen and getting a Cherry dipped cone.
5. Offer and accept affection. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me that I don’t look the part of a dominant man. I look too sweet. I look too innocent. I have a fire deep in my heart that comes out in the passionate form of restraints and control. But I do like to feel another person. I want to touch you. I want to be close to you. I want to kiss you. I want to embrace you.
6. Have personal Drive. I don’t want to be your sugar daddy. I don’t want you to be lazy. I don’t want you to live an unfulfilled life. I want you to pursue your dreams. I want you to follow a career that makes you happy. I want you to embrace the intellectual abilities that you have and partner them with my own so that we can both attain our joy in our professional lives. Money doesn’t have to be everything. You could want to change the world. And I’ll still hold your hand. I just want you to want something more.
*Prologue*
The most striking part of this list to me is that it still has not been obtained. Perhaps I’m too selective. Perhaps I ask too much. I’m a good man with a good heart and an extensive gear collection. I want to be happy. I hope I can find it.
1. Before all else, we must connect as people. He has to be the kind of person I want to have as a friend.
2. Humour. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a sense of humour and the ability to not taking yourself too seriously.
3. Passion. Whether it is about his job, or his hobbies, or his family or all of the above I need to see his eyes lit up when he talks about it.
4. Natural flow. This may sound corny and all, but, to have a boy with whom I connect almost organically is beyond the best.
5. Pride. It’s so important to me to have a boy who embraces his submissive side and the kinks that come with being submissive. To have a boy who’s proud of the submissive he’s become.
6. Eager to learn. No matter how (in) experienced a boy is, no two dominants are the same. I need to have a boy who’s willing to forget what he’s learned with past partners and start from scratch with me. Let it be clear; Safe, Sane and Consensual lessons are right there, at the beginning of our journey.
7. Porn versus reality. In a time where porn is so accessible, and more than not showcases the more extreme part of everything, it is vital to have a boy who understands that what you see in porn and on Tumblr is not a accurate representation of what a D/s or FLR is. If I feel the boy isn’t able/willing to see the difference we have no future.
“I been told since I don’t know much irl about sex that I’m no good. Since I don’t know anything about sex irl there’s nothing he can do with me. I think maybe I should just quit the whole thing, I don’t fit in and nobody will want me so I should just be by myself”
I don’t normally hop into conversations on tumblr unless I have something very important to say both to the poster AND to my followers. This came across my dashboard and I had to respond. The original post is gone now, but this needs to be said anyway.
If your “Daddy” makes you feel like this, that because of inexperience, age, or any other reason, that you are ‘less’ than good.. he’s a fuckwad. How do you respond? You tell him to get fucked and to do that fucking himself. A Daddy SHOULD NOT be making a boy feel like this, especially just after they start getting to know one another. There is no fucking excuse for this shit. None. This is NOT how a Daddy acts. It’s not even how a ‘pretender’ daddy acts. It’s how an abuser acts. “You aren’t good enough. You’re worthless”… … … Fuck you buddy. You’re the reason Daddies like me have to take YEARS to undo the shit you do just so a boy can really receive love again.
This kind of bullshit isn’t Dad/son, and it’s barely Dom/sub because there is zero after care, no mutual consent to ‘abusive’ play. This isn’t safe. It’s dangerous. The longer people like that have their claws in you the harder it is to escape and even then it can take a lifetime of support and caring environments to begin to recover from the kind of broken spirit a ‘person’ like that needs so he can feel powerful.
I am going to say this once and for all:
If your ”daddy” makes you feel like you are worthless: He isn’t a Daddy.
If he punishes you because you don’t know how to do something, makes you feel badly for your inexperience, and refuses to help teach you? He is no Daddy.
If you play rough and he never stops playing rough, then he isn’t playing. He’s abusing you.
Read this list. Daddy Says so. If you find yourself stopping to JUSTIFY their behavior, or trying to make excuses that lay the blame entirely on you.. then you need to get help and get out. Now.
Does He do these things ‘out of bounds’ based on your relationship guidelines (this is ONLY to allow for rough play couples who STILL have boundaries despite how their play seems to outsiders, The boy doesn’t REALLY feel abused, because they both have mutually consented to that kind of play):
-Regularly demeans or disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
-Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
-Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
-Tries to control you and treat you like a child.
-Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
-You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
-Tries to control the finances and how you spend money.
-Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
-Tries to make you feel as though he/she is always right, and you are wrong.
-Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks that cause you to feel shame or embarrassment.
-Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
-Accuses you of things you know aren’t true.
-Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.
-Intolerant of any seeming “lack of respect.”
-Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others, and has difficulty apologizing or taking responsibility.
-Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
-Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
-Calls you names, unpleasant labels, or makes cutting remarks under their breath.
-Is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.
-Resorts to pouting, the silent treatment or withdrawal to get what they want.
-Doesn’t show you empathy or compassion.
-Plays the victim and tries blame you rather than taking personal responsibility.
-Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
-Doesn’t care about your feelings.
-Views you as an extension of themselves and not an individual.
-Withholds sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.
-Shares personal and private information about you with other people.
-Denies being emotionally abusive when confronted.
-Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Do you…
-Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
-Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
-Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
-Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
-Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
-Stay with you partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue. Read this and learn.
Now that my angry rant is out of the way, mostly, you need to know something.
It’s not your fault. YOU didn’t fail and you aren’t worthless at all. That is HIM putting his feelings on you. That is HIS broken self esteem, his insecurity and his incapacity to be a REAL FUCKING DADDY not your failing as his boy.
Daddy: Protects. Cares for. Guides. Nurtures. Provides structure and a host of things designed to help his boy grow and be more comfortable being who he truly is inside.
A Daddy does not ever seek to make his ‘boy’ experience hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, dread or any of these things. He seeks to remove those things from his boy, not instill them. No son. He’s not a Daddy if that is how he makes you feel. If you’ve talked to him about how his treatment makes you feel and he refuses to consider your feelings there is only one answer: Tell him to Fuck Off.
Daddy says it’s OK to use bad language to tell bad men where they can go because the only thing worthless in this situation is the pretender who uses Daddy as a code word for abuse.
THIS is how a boy should feel when all the games are done. End of Story.
I have trained any number of Daddies over the last couple of decades. Real Daddies. They seek me out as a mentor. I am always honored, and happy to help, because the world needs more affectionate, approving Daddies.
When I start teaching a new Daddy, he always shows up insecure, and worried that he isn’t qualified. He fears that he will do a crappy job, usually because his own father didn’t teach him how to deal with the gay life that he has been living.
I start by asking if he gives a damn about the safety, well-being and success of any boy in his life. He is always surprised by the question… “Well, of COURSE I do! Why would you ask?” I tell him that his automatic reaction is 90% of what qualifies him not only as a Daddy, but as a REALLY GOOD Daddy. I assert that he is an ethical man, who gives a damn about others.I tell him that his years of experience at:
• Being a male homosexual in a world that sometimes really doesn’t like us,
• Learning about relationships, networking and being a good man, and
• Wanting to be a better man, with growth and gathered wisdom are actually his superpowers. Men like him forget that other men (of ANY age - I like older subs, myself) may lack even the basics of what he has been taking for granted in his own life. He is already a rich resource. His willingness to share what he has, is more important than some vague, far-off ideal of perfection.
It’s time for him to put on an invisible t-shirt with the word “DADDY!” on the front of it, and to assume that he is already qualified, because I assert that he IS.
The page listing all of the articles in this series can be found here,
I have been writing my memoirs and posting them online. I have been getting feedback from other folks, who are keenly interested in hearing how things used to be, and how things have changed in recent history.
Clearly, I need to document my own tale of the work that I have done to intentionally help make the world a safer and better place for generations to come. It’s time.
1975
As I have said before, I didn’t know how to come out as a gay man. I had no role-models, so I came out to my family in a very confrontational way. I am still comfortable with that decision.
This was because I was the very first human being in my entire family’s history to come out of the closet. As things turned out, I paved the way for two lesbian sisters, one gender-fluid niece, and at least one more recently-out niece.
I’m puzzled, though - I am one of ten siblings, with a LOT of nieces and nephews. Statistically-speaking, there should have been a lot more younger folks in my family being open and out by now. It’s a little baffling.
I notice that when a younger relative is ready to come out, it ALWAYS starts with a visit to my home for a sudden, out-of-the-blue “nice weekend visit.” Before the weekend is over, they are asking to be brought to where the queers hang out.
My husband and I get the whole story, and we give our blessings. Then, they start coming out to everyone else.
This Was The Mantra That I Took On From Harvey Milk:
That was the quote that permanently changed my life.
When I came out of the closet as a gay man, I never STOPPED coming out. I never met my hero and role-model, Harvey Milk, but I wanted to BE him. I wanted to YANK our planet further along its axis, to a day when every queer child was safe, loved and appreciated.
My own safety was of no interest to me. Being six foot five, and hardened by an abusive childhood, I could be tough as nails, underneath a very congenial exterior. I carried myself like a security guard… vigilant and perceptive. Folks could see that I wasn’t an easy pushover.
I could master just about any social circumstance, so I went to work, being the Casually and Constantly Openly-Gay Man.
To accomplish this, I used every possible social tactic to come out to every person that I interacted with. Before I figured out the optimal ways to come out, I was somewhat of a “pie in the face” homosexual. By this, I mean that I would come out whether the person in front of me needed to know or not…
“Here is your change, sir!” “Thank you, from a proud gay man!”
If you are younger than I am, it may be hard to picture what the environment was like. Things were a LITTLE bit better in the mid-1970′s than before, but not a lot. There was a very aggressive push-back from folks who hated us, and new laws to harm us were constantly on the ballots. We were visible more and more, and we were facing constant backlash to try and drive us back into shame.
After plenty of practice, I had discovered the perfect way to come out to strangers:
I would look for an excuse to share some happiness.
“I am very happy today.” “Really? Tell me why.” “I just celebrated my anniversary. Want to see a picture of my sweetie?” “Sure! - Oh, my!”
I used THAT technique a LOT during my high school reunion. Given that I had been attached to several high-profile girlfriends back in the day, this was a real shocker for them.
MY personal war was on a one-to-one level. My reasoning (as a very idealistic young man) was to come out to everyone, and after a few years, they would have adjusted their thinking in a permanent way.
The concept of “meeting gay folks” would have settled into their brains as the norm, rather than a freakish, one-time occurrence. I was certain that millions of other bold souls were doing the exact same things. Ehhhh, not so much, at least at first.
But, more and more DID - I was just ahead of the curve. I have talked about being openly gay during the last 2-½ years that I was in the Navy. After I got out, I found my lifetime career as a computer consultant, for nearly 39 years.
I am sliding into retirement nowadays. Up until recently, I had been the highest-rated Certified Apple Consultant on earth for the last nine years. Until I broke off from Apple, I have had more five-star ratings on Apple’s Web site than all of the rest of Southern California, combined.
This means that I have traveled to the homes and businesses of tens of thousands of clients. While working on their networks, hardware and software, I have casually mentioned my boyfriend, or, starting 27 years ago, my husband. Our first of four marriages is documented here.
As far as I know, Dennis and I were the very first ones to powerfully refer to each other as “ my husband,” as opposed to “partner,” “roommate” or “spouse.” It blew a lot of people out of the water hearing the phrase “my husband” from a huge, deep-voiced male. Lots of stammering responses. Lots of rapid blinking. Requests for a repeat of what I had just said.
I always had the attitude that they were delightful, open-minded people, and were glad to know me better. Most rose to the occasion. If they weren’t pleased, that was fine, too.
I have NO doubt that this has cut into my income in some invisible way… Never being called back, or lack of referral to other clients. Whatever. I have never cared, nor have I regretted what I did along the way. I would do it all again, if I was given the choice.
I have been a man on a mission to make the world safer for LGBTQ+ folks, and if it meant that I wasn’t ever going to be wealthier, then that was just fine. I was living the open, unapologetic life that I gladly chose.
