Is Love Different in D/s Relationships Compared To Vanilla Ones?

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Is love different in D/s relationships compared to vanilla ones?
thedominantprompts:

No.

The quality of love never changes regardless of whether one is in a D/s or vanilla relationship. Love comes in many forms and is different in its every occurrence, but the quality of love - that which is immutable, that which remains steadfast and constant - is the same.

It was probably well over a decade ago that I heard these words, but they hit me with such force and rang so true that they have been burned into my mind ever since:

“Love can’t wait to give; lust can’t wait to get.”

I have constantly used this phrase as a gauge of my intentions ever since I heard them. They have never led me wrong, and they have prevented me from lying to myself many a time. And at its core, it remains the best explanation of love I have ever heard. Love can’t wait to give, lust can’t wait to get. By this standard of love, there is no difference between D/s and vanilla.

There are many other measures of love, of course. The famous verse from 1st Corinthians: “Love is patient, love is kind.” But do you know the rest of it as well? "It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.“ No difference there either.

I could go on with this forever so I’ll stop there, since you get the idea. The quality of love, that which endures, is no different in a D/s relationship as it is in a vanilla one.

That is not to say that a D/s relationship is no different from a vanilla one. I’ve written many times on my thoughts why this is not the case; the most recent example being my thoughts on an old DwP post:

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missharpersworld:

((I saved these pearls of wisdom before DwP took down his blog for those of us who still desperately need his wisdom))

DwP Says:

“The Problems Started After I Moved In”

When talking to submissive women about their lives and relationships, the most frequent cause of sorrow and difficulty that gets mentioned is the transition from a non-live-in D&S relationship to a full-time live-in situation. Relationships that seemed to work beautifully when limited to cyberspace hot-chat rooms, email, and the telephone suddenly become rocky and confused when two kinky individuals start to live together in a more intense and demanding sort of partnership. There are a number of reasons why this happens with such frequency.

Cyberspace teaches you that dominating and submitting are easy and are almost always fun. All you need to do to be a very popular and admired cyber-dominant is to know what pat phrases to say at what times. Even I, a person without any dominant desires, could, by assuming a false on-line persona, easily have a huge stable of cyber-submissives swooning over me and vying for my attention, simply because I know the right words to say.

Submissives who have only recently discovered or decided to pursue their sexuality are, as a rule, so sexually and emotionally needy for control, any kind of control, that they fall right over if you assume a stern, forceful demeanor in their cyber-presence and issue the sorts of orders that you read about in S&M pornography.

Then, in public, if you repeat all the standard tenents accepted by the S&M Scene community as the highest wisdom (again, it’s very easy to learn what these are—you know, inanities like “safe, sane, and consensual” and “the best tops started out as bottoms”—and then rattle them off like a parrot) you’ll get a rep as a wise, respected and (cough cough) “loving” dominant, a paragon of the Scene.
It’s incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance.

It’s so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this “act,” they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such “dominants” begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be superdoms, even though they’ve never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life.

Such a superdork, er—excuse me—superdom, thinks that actually dominating someone in real life is identical to the virtually effortless fantasy play that he conducts on line or over the phone. So, considering himself to be eminently qualified, he orders some poor, lovestruck submissive to leave her home and to move in with him. And when both he and his gullible partner are forced to deal with the reality of dominance and submission, the disaster begins.

Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you. Very few people actually have what it takes to be successful dominants, and real dominants are actually quite rare, as many more people have the desire to dominate someone sadomasochistically than have the ability to do it well.

To dominate someone full-time and in person requires a lot of very hard work on the dominant’s part; a successful dominant does this hard work because the rewards, for him, are worth it. It also requires information, even wisdom, about what both dominant and submissive must do to make this sort of relationship work that at present is unavailable in the fantasy-laden S&M Scene community and its written materials.

As an example, to dominate a deep and needy submissive successfully (in other words, in a way that ensures that both of you are happy and fulfilled)—even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive—requires an ability to cope with numerous emotional freakouts, resistances, and confusions in one’s submissive partner, especially during the first few live-in years of the relationship.

Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties—at first—with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It’s not a matter of being “submissive enough.”

It’s entirely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive isn’t born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her master’s needs first. In fact, she’s taught from childhood to be independent and willful. Overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning takes lots of time; and nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience.

The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.

The early “hell” years of a live-in D&S relationship require, in every case that I have seen, extensive patience and emotional self-control from a dominant. Such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who’s actually “grown up” and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else’s life.

When your submissive is screaming and raging at you for “forcing” her to get up early and make your morning coffee, calling you hurtful, inconsiderate, abusive, it’s awfully hard if you’ve had no actual successful experience as a dominant, or if you are emotionally immature, not to be affected by this, even hurt by it, and not to lash back at her. But “getting back” at a resistant or upset submissive who’s wounded you by your withdrawing from her physically or emotionally or through angry punishment or emotional rages of your own will simply ensure that your relationship quickly becomes conventional in terms of power.

Your submissive learns that you can’t control yourself, that you have no clue about how to deal with her passive-aggressive or manipulative attempts at resisting you, or that you are a coward who runs away from confrontation. In other words, she learns that, instead of being the great and wonderful dominant that you appeared to be on line, you’re really just an angry, scared, or wounded little child who is no more emotionally mature than she.

As will become evident to anyone who attempts a live-in power-exchange relationship for a significant length of time, D&S is, at times, hard, gruelingly hard work and requires a rare individual as a dominant: someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he makes for him- or herself, and someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the things he gets out of the relationship.

There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants say that they have these extraordinary qualities; just the claim alone means nothing. 

The dominant must be able to demonstrate, to show you, that he actually has these attributes. Learning whether your dominant meets these basic requirements takes time: submissives who rush into absolute or even partial live-in power-exchange relationships without taking the time to determine the quality of the person they are agreeing to submit to often pay dearly for it later.

Below are descriptions of some of the minimum qualifications which a dominant who hopes to be successful in a power-exchange relationship must have. It is not meant to be complete, just to provide you with some of the more important qualities to look for in a potential dominant partner:

Self-Control

If you can’t control yourself—your vices, your emotions, your tendency to act out—you cannot control another person. You are too weak and self-indulgent to control another. As mentioned above, all submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive’s actions, however you may dislike them, are not about you. 

They are, rather, about her problems with submitting. Learning not to respond narcissistically—i.e., with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness—when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control. Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes.

Stubborness and Emotional Resilience

People who only imagine that they are dominants and who are suddenly thrust into the position of having to control a real human being face-to-face, often ask a very revealing question: when faced with the initial difficulties of training a submissive and overcoming the onslaught of her confusion or resistance, a situation which requires so much self-control and maturity on their part, they often wonder what it is that the dominant gets out of the relationship besides hard work and grief. An actual dominant never wonders this in any serious sense. He knows what he wants to get out of a power-exchange relationship, and he makes sure, despite the difficulties, that he gets it.

A dominant must actually be dominant—must actually have a strong enough will to get his needs met, to insist that he get what he wants out of the relationship. In addition, to someone who is genuinely dominant, overcoming the submissive’s resistance in a way that enhances the relationship for both of them is something that, despite his dislike of the actual resistance, he relishes, as in the long run it enhances his control.

Responsibility

Owning someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When you control another person and can do anything to her that you want to, you have a great responsibility toward her. Some people shallowly liken a dominant’s responsibility to that of owning a pet, but it’s much more of a duty than that. In terms of the seriousness with which the dominant must take his charge, it’s more like having a child.

You control this person absolutely, and, assuming that your love your slave, you must make sure that the things that you do—or don’t do—are not harmful or damaging to your charge. You have to think first, and carefully, before you speak out in anger. You have to consider how each action you take or decision you make affects your submissive as well as yourself. Y

ou have to anticipate how your sub will react to certain things before you commit to them. You’re steering the ship. You’re the only one in charge. If you truly realize that, then you also know that when things screw up and don’t work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before you and who must follow your orders; it is your responsibility, and yours alone.

Maturity

A dominant has to be grown up enough to take the responsibility when things go wrong. A child in an adult’s body, on the other hand, blames every bad thing or misfortune that befalls him on others. Nothing is ever his responsibility. It’s always someone else who has screwed up. A mature person also has patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out.

Some things in power-exchange take a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to have the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without giving up or losing heart. A mature person is able to keep perspective: he doesn’t see every little blow up or emotional difficulty from his submissive as a sign that the relationship isn’t working or as some symptom of the fact that his submissive doesn’t love him.

A mature dominant also knows how to walk the very fine line between not letting his submissive partner’s emotional difficulties rule him on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature person tends to have a calm, even personality that isn’t rocked by every little incident that life throws at him.

A mature dominant can be looked up to by his submissive partner, leaned on, seen as a pillar of strength and support—at all times, not just when he finds it fun or easy to play that role. A mature dominant has a good understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and knows, in general, what works and what doesn’t work when dealing with a submissive. He doesn’t have to learn all of this by experimenting on you.

Trustworthiness

This may be the most important quality that a dominant must have. Someone who is completely dependent upon another person and who exists only to please that person has to know that her dominant is reliable and consistent—and especially that he is capable of keeping his word. A dominant isn’t trustworthy just because he says he is. 

He’s trustworthy when he proves to you, with consistent actions over a long period of time, that he does what he says he is going to do and when he says he will do it, that he tells you the truth and doesn’t deceive you, that you can come to him with your problems, whatever those problems may be, and rely on him to lend a sympathetic, loving ear and not to reject you just because those problems make him feel insecure, confused, or upset.

Experience and Knowledge

It helps immensely if a dominant knows what he is doing—knows which activities are safe and which put a submissive in danger physically or psychologically, understands how to get to know his submissive—to delve deeply into her personality so that he can better control her, knows how to keep her serving him happily and enthusiastically, and knows how actually to control someone. Most people who want to be dominants don’t have the slightest idea of how to do the any of this.

They may have had a little success at doing fantasy scenes on the computer, and they think this childish play, which anyone—even a submissive like myself—could learn to do convincingly with a couple of day’s practice makes them experienced and worldly dominants. Or they may learn from the terrible S&M advice and etiquette books on the market that there are “training methods” or formulae that work universally with all submissives (nothing is further from the truth).

Or they may have gone to a couple of play parties, seen the performances put on by individuals who are only slightly less ignorant than themselves (although these players will usually do everything within their power to convince you they are S&M experts) and concluded that really controlling someone closely resembles these staged and artificial scenes done mostly to impress an audience with how skilled or cool you are.

Learning how to control someone, how to overcome her resistances (every submissive who experiences real, permanent dominance resists), how to handle each new situation that comes up takes a great deal of knowledge or experience, and there’s an art to it as well. It’s complex, as each individual situation requires a different, non-canned or stereotyped response.

Most people in the Scene, most people who call themselves dominants and promote themselves as wise S&M gurus, know nothing about any of this. They’re fumbling around in the dark. A dominant either learns this kind of thing from many, many years in the school of hard knocks or from learning from another dominant who already has this knowledge.

Desire

It’s a sad fact that many people who call themselves dominants these days have absolutely no idea of what to do with a submissive once they are alone in the same room with one. As long as they can bluster and preen and pretend on line or at a distance or for a short period of time they do fine. But once they actually have a real person to deal with 24 hours a day, they quickly run out of ideas.

Most of these people have none of the essential qualities described above, and they don’t really want any of the difficulties or hassles that controlling someone always involves. They want to be dominant entirely for the ego boost, or because they believe that it’s an easy way to get girls to do what you want them to, or because it all sounds so much funner and easier than a conventional relationship. They are not control freaks. They are not truly dominant.

If they were, they’d accept the hassles and difficulties involved with control, as they’d relish that control so much that they would be willing to deal with any problems it brings. Most self-styled dominants, however, do not really want to control another’s life, they do not want to own a slave (although they often believe that they do until they find one), and when confronted with the realities of ownership, they run away, abandoning their responsibilities. 

The most common form of running away, of abdicating the dominant’s responsibility, is to blame all the relationship problems on the submissive, pretending that she is ultimately the responsible one.

Ritual Conditioning

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aphyr: I related to SIR this morning that I’d jerked off in an effort to get a little more sleep, and he asked me whether I’d come without permission. We hadn’t discussed any sort of control over my sexual habits until that point–and then, suddenly, several things clicked into place.

SIR’s choice of where to add constraints and ritual into my life aren’t just fetishes in themselves. He applies control to the things I enjoy most: lifting, fucking, eating–conditioning me to associate him, and his power over me, with my most pleasurable and valuable experiences.

I’m used to direct associative conditioning–my first SIR, for instance, turned my nipples from what-are-these-random-bits-of-hardware-buried-in-the-back-of-the-misc-drawer to reliable instigators of arousal, by squeezing and tugging on them to the point of pain while I jerked off. Now I love having them played with.

I’ve also experienced both reward and punishment-driven operant conditioning–it’s usually obvious when that’s going on. If I’m a good boy, he’ll reward me with head-scratches, affection, food, toys, etc. One tries to make the link between behavior and reward as immediate and obvious as possible, either by rewarding immediately after the desired behavior, or through directed recall.

If I disobey orders or let my Master down, he might remove privileges (negative punishment) or hit me (positive punishment). If he hits me, he’ll hit me hard. While reminding me exactly what I did, how it made him feel, and what I should do next time. It’s a short, intense, focused experience. I should note, for readers not accustomed to healthy S/M practice, that this kind of punishment is consensual and enjoyable at a metalevel, even though it hurts like hell. It’s also distinct from a pleasurable beating, where the goal is to enjoy the sensation, endorphin rush, and headspace. If anyone ever strikes you and you’re not enjoying it on some level, they need to stop.

Anyway, what I realized today was that SIR’s choice of where to apply control isn’t just linked to what he finds hot or rewarding personally. It’s also designed to bring a focus on him into my favorite activities, strengthening my positive association with his control. Yes, he loves watching me eat from a bowl on the floor–it’s degrading and hot for both of us–but it also reminds me that he’s in charge of food, and food is one of my favorite things in the world. Now SIR is a part of that.

And that power recirculates: as fulfilling SIR’s control becomes a stronger desire independent from untrained stimuli, we can use that desire to reach both of our goals. I’ve wanted to be huge and powerful ever since I was a kid, and SIR wants a submissive musclebound pup. The hunger to obey SIR, as an external locus of control, helps me focus on eating, on sleeping, on maintaining good form and training to exhaustion every time. SIR wants me to fist him and take his fist, which has never done much for me intrinsically–but as our training deepens, I find that experience more and more desirable. And the association of pleasure with obedience helps me transmute the pain of a whipping into deep satisfaction.

All of this relies on SIR’s judgement being sound; on him knowing, valuing, and balancing my desires and capabilities with his own. As in Aikido, our mutuality stems from my ability to extend trust, and his ability to extend compassion. It’s one of the things that makes S/M so deeply enjoyable for me.

What is “training”?

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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

I get a lot of messages from guys asking me to train them. Based on their requests, I feel that there’s some confusion about what training is and what it does for a boy. So I’m going to briefly discuss what training is and is not.

If you are a dominant and you are being trained. It means that you are learning skills. Those might be, how to work the mind of a boy, how to tie knots, how to do suspension safely, how to safely do electro, etc. When a dominant is trained it is how to hurt or not hurt people safely.

If you are a submissive and you are being “trained” you are most likely serving a dominant and learning how to service him to his liking in whatever capacity you have agreed to serve. Submissives do not need to know the same kind of technical skills as a dominant does. So training is therefore more about the experience of serving a dominant and doing so to please him.

To walk up to a dominant and say “I want you to train me.” Is effectively to say, I want to submit to you. As a result, if you want a dominant to spend time, energy, and effort on the experience you will have with him it’s important to know how you can give back to that person in exchange for their efforts. This is not to say Dominance and submission (D/s) is transactional, but rather that D/s is a relationship and a bond. And the best relationships have some level of reciprocity (whatever you both agree to) that satisfies both parties.

Since “training” is more of a matter of having the experience of submitting to a man after which you expect to feel more comfortable in your role or come to realizations or refinements of your technique. It is wise to approach this submission with a sense both of what you want to get out of it and what you are willing to provide in exchange. A relationship in which one side gives and the other takes without giving back will end quickly.

Being trained is about being submissive to that particular man and getting to experience your submission through service to him. It is also about growing that bond with that dominant. This is not to say that the bond is necessarily romantic, for many men it is sexual or even based in friendship. But since the bond and relationship to the Man you serve is what the training is about, training is an ongoing process. You receive feedback, get praised for what you do well, repeat, and attempt to do better and do so more skillfully.

You should come away from training with a sense of accomplishment over time, a sense of how you’ve grown or are growing. You will not receive a certification that “training is complete”. It does not become a title that you may adopt and show to new dominants. It is a state of being where you are now different from the submissive you were because you have grown during this service.

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Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com! 

And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

 

Training, For a Boy

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Breederofbetas:

I get a lot of messages from guys asking me to train them. Based on their requests, I feel that there’s some confusion about what training is and what it does for a boy. So I’m going to briefly discuss what training is and is not.

If you are a dominant and you are being trained. It means that you are learning skills. Those might be, how to work the mind of a boy, how to tie knots, how to do suspension safely, how to safely do electro, etc. When a dominant is trained it is how to hurt or not hurt people safely.

If you are a submissive and you are being “trained” you are most likely serving a dominant and learning how to service him to his liking in whatever capacity you have agreed to serve. Submissives do not need to know the same kind of technical skills as a dominant does. So training is therefore more about the experience of serving a dominant and doing so to please him.

To walk up to a dominant and say “I want you to train me.” Is effectively to say, I want to submit to you. As a result, if you want a dominant to spend time, energy, and effort on the experience you will have with him it’s important to know how you can give back to that person in exchange for their efforts. This is not to say Dominance and submission (D/s) is transactional, but rather that D/s is a relationship and a bond. And the best relationships have some level of reciprocity (whatever you both agree to) that satisfies both parties. Since “training” is more of a matter of having the experience of submitting to a man after which you expect to feel more comfortable in your role or come to realizations or refinements of your technique. It is wise to approach this submission with a sense both of what you want to get out of it and what you are willing to provide in exchange. A relationship in which one side gives and the other takes without giving back will end quickly.

Being trained is about being submissive to that particular man and getting to experience your submission through service to him. It is also about growing that bond with that dominant. This is not to say that the bond is necessarily romantic, for many men it is sexual or even based in friendship. But since the bond and relationship to the Man you serve is what the training is about, training is an ongoing process. You receive feedback, get praised for what you do well, repeat, and attempt to do better and do so more skillfully.

You should come away from training with a sense of accomplishment over time, a sense of how you’ve grown or are growing. You will not receive a certification that “training is complete”. It does not become a title that you may adopt and show to new dominants. It is a state of being where you are now different from the submissive you were because you have grown during this service.

14 Ways to Make a Submissive Feel Exposed

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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

Time for another writing project! I’m going to think for precisely 5 minutes about every way I can think of to make a submissive feel exposed. Starting with of course anything I myself have done. After I write out the bullet points, I’ll expand on each idea I came up with.

Some of this stuff is public play. Public play can be dangerous (thus the thrill) in the regard that you can get arrested for it. Try some of these at your own risk.

- Kick a boy out of my apartment without clothes: This one is obviously a bit dangerous for the sub. The first time I ever did it was with a submissive who begged me to. I took his clothes and put them in a duffle bag. He had me hide them in a stairwell in my building on a specific floor. Then I kicked him out of my apartment and let him run down 3 flights and get dressed in a very exposed place. He was an expert at this little game and managed to get dressed before being seen by people descending the stairs above him. He had quite the little thrill.

- Lock clothes away in my chest: This is one I do a lot for submissives who need a gentle attitude adjustment. I love doing this because I have them come in, fold up their clothes into a neat pile and then I pull them into my room and toss their clothes in and lock it in front of their face. The stunned expression is priceless and helps put any notions of an early escape out of their head.

- Wrap boy up like a burrito (tightly) in a blanket and tickle his feet: I secretly plan to do this to my boy. He’s seated over on my bed right now completely unaware of the awful fate that shall befall him. He’s very ticklish you know…

- Tie boy spread eagle to bed: Eh. It was all I could think of. Not dreadfully original or difficult, but it counts.

- Make boy wear underwear in the waistband of his pants and buy me a soda: This I have indeed done with two separate submissives. Also a bit dangerous so I tell them to use best judgment and bail if they’d get in trouble. So far no one has had to bail and I’ve gotten my soda.

- Use boy’s underwear as a napkin on a night out drinking: So you meet up with a submissive in a public non-kink space (like a straight piano bar) for a drink or two to chat first. You talk for 5-10 minutes and ask if he’d like to engage in a little light play while we’re just sitting here. He says “yeah”, so you ask him to go to the bathroom, remove his underwear, bring it back to you and place it in your hand… as a sign of submission. He agrees and returns to hand you the underwear. You take it and use it as a napkin for the evening and make sure to leave the underwear showing a bit. You can put it in your breast pocket, in your pants pocket, lay it over your knee, or just toss it on the table. Watch his body language, he’ll be fixated on his underwear all night and so helplessly horny… well… I’ve yet to meet a boy that didn’t want to come home with me after that stunt.

- Tied up boy in suspension and let him only balance on a few toes of a single foot: This one on the surface is not dreadfully creative. The trick to pulling off something like this is to blindfold the boy and say that you need to prep some other kink toys and what not for play and you forgot to do it earlier. Left to his own devices hanging there, waiting, and hearing little movements from you. His mind will race at the possibilities that await him. A little push or shove here and there is all it takes to remind him just how precarious his position is.

- Tie boy down and spank him till he tells you all his secrets: Works equally well with tickling if that is less pleasant for your boy. Who cares if he has indeed told you every secret? Only you get to decide when he’s “told you everything”.

- Record that but never release it: “Oh… does the red light mean it’s on? Gee what would you do to make sure no one ever sees that?”

- Have boy perform services naked for me while I’m on a balcony: This can get you arrested, so just be mindful of exposure up there. Ideally it will simply look like shirtless men to anyone down below or even horizontal to you, but there’s no way there will be anything in his mind other than his nudity at that moment.

- Stick your finger up his ass while you’re hanging out around the house: When I first met @bredbeta​I walked into his apartment and in the first 30 seconds there I stuck my fingers right up his ass. I did this because I had ordered him to pre-lube and wanted to check he did it. Taking that level of control over the situation had him cooing almost instantly. To this day I’ll occasionally finger his pussy while we’re just hanging out to remind him who owns him. :)

- Only let your boy engage in his scent fixation while naked and able to finger his hole: When your boy has a fixation with scent or oral play, or almost anything. Only let him engage in that play while naked and while you finger his hole. Doing so reminds him that he is in fact naked because you can access and manipulate his genitals. I generally prefer to do such things in front of a large window.

- Go on a hike and fuck him in the woods, but only just enough off the path that you might still be seen: Pretty self explanatory. If you like a nice hike, it’s a GREAT way to make sure your boy is enthusiastic for them. Plus you can stop for no reason and say “shhh a hiker. Don’t move so he won’t see my cock in your ass.”

- Simple straight up nudity: Boys, ever wondered what the obsession alphas have with you being nude is? Someone who is nude is entirely more exposed than someone who is not. It’s the easiest, fastest way to make a distinction between two people. I get to wear clothes because I am a superior alpha who has the agency to decide such things. Meanwhile, I say strip and you strip. You’re there, a little cold, with everything showing. Could anyone walking in on the scene mistake which of us is the alpha and which of us is the submissive? Nope.

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Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com! 

And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

 

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Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com! 

And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

 

Creative Chastity

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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

I have had some mixed results with locking up a boy’s cock in a cage. For some, their cocks had been too large to comfortably fit into the cage. Some boys tried it and found metal and plastic cages just too uncomfortable. For one boy, he figured out that he could actually slip out of it at any time.

Having a lot of those troublesome experiences has lead me to the conclusion that there are people who just find the idea hot but it loses its luster in the execution. Conversely, the chastity players who have really found meaning in it, for whom it’s become a daily part of their life whether or not a Sir is their keyholder, find ways to make it work. And that is the key. Find how to make chastity work for you and understand and accept that your chastity play may not look exactly like what’s on tumblr, but is valid nonetheless if it gives you what you want to get out of the experience.

I write this article for readers who are interested in chastity but are having some difficulty with the standard lock and key. When the standard approach gets difficult, it’s time to get creative to find a way to make chastity play work for you!

- Shorter goals: The first adaptation to chastity play to make your goals more doable is simply to make the locked periods shorter. The denial makes the eventual orgasm sweeter anyways. You will see many players online bragging about the length of time they can stay locked. If that’s what gets them off more power to them, but if you just want to experience some denial for awhile and enjoy having sexual feelings enhanced due to the horny build up of not orgasming… then does it really matter if you’re locked till the weekend or till 2050? 

Hell, you may even eventually find a sweet spot where you stay locked up (for example) for 3 months at a time and that’s what works best for you. Your dominant might tease “Oh man, 2 more weeks till you’re out boy. It’s been a long 2.5 months so far. Remember when we watched porn each night for a week before bed? Good times.” If shorter goals are enjoyable and you get the experience out of it you want, DO WHAT WORKS.

- Key willpower: When the length of the goal isn’t an issue, often willpower is the big obstacle. Being so horny makes it hard to make the decision to stay locked. Where willpower is an issue dominants are often not involved in a chastity player’s life. The purpose of sealing away the key is to provide an obstacle which while not insurmountable gives you sufficient pause to reassert your willpower. There are two pretty reliable options:

Envelope: Put the key in an envelope, seal it, give it to a friend, and tell them to give it back to you in a week. If they ask about it you can make something up if you like. One of the favorite stories a submissive told his buddy was that he’d put a credit card in there he wanted to not be tempted to use until date X. His friend was more than happy to hold onto the key to the box with his credit card in it without ever realizing what the key actually unlocked.

Timed safe: This sounds like a much more expensive option than it is. One of the safes that have been making the rounds lately is a safe for kitchen use to help control temptations. I’ll include a link at the end of this section. You can just toss the key inside and set a time limit. The safes are about $55 so they’re not impossible to save for, but they’re also expensive enough for you to probably think twice before shattering it to get the key.

- Comfort: The holy trainer and metal cages are the two most comfortable cage types. If you are interested in a holy trainer, please consider that first off there will be some international shipping involved which is unsurprisingly expensive. Additionally, I the official website DOES NOT accept opened products for return. Be certain you get the right size before you order it. In light of that, I strongly suggest you take a trip to a sex store in your city or a local kinkster event and get fitted for a cage the first time you get one. 

You may have more options there in terms of what you can buy a sales person who can give advice, and the opportunity to talk about how active you’ll be in it, or some of the issues with comfort you’ve had. Lastly, if you aren’t already aware, chastity cages are generally most comfortable when you have little to no hair while wearing them as it reduces the likelihood of getting pinched or having hair pulled.

- Sir’s orders: When Sirs are involved with chastity play, you can have a Sir leave you unlocked but absolutely forbid access to your own genitals without his supervision. I have been surprised how well this works for some people. They simply needed to be told no and that was all it took.

- My grip: When a dominant is in charge of orgasms, you may also find that Sir will do the masturbation for you. When I’ve offered this choice, I restrain the submissive’s hands (and in some cases legs) add a little baby oil, and stroke until they cum and then just keep going. They can orgasm in exchange for continuing to be stroked after orgasm. If I’m feeling generous, I’ll offer them mercy in exchange for something later on of my choosing. It should be of no surprise to anyone that mercy is almost never worth it later on but it still gets chosen fairly often.

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Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

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The Mirror Technique

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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

I do love my qualifiers and before I’m going to say much more, let’s talk about safety. The only “dangers” inherent in this technique are those related to triggering or upsetting your submissive. So use this technique with someone you know. DO use this technique on men who enjoy humiliation or degradation.

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 Setup: You’ll need a large (preferably full length) mirror. It needs to be easily visible from wherever you fuck bed, couch, floor, ottoman, kitchen counter (I won’t judge), etc.

Technique: Your objective will be to mentally get your submissive as far into subspace as possible (see the post about layering if you need some help getting there). You want him really caught up in that head space, preferably impaled on your dick (or deep in your hole if you are a dominant bottom). Surprise is the key to making this work, surprise, the truth in your words and getting them agreeing when their psyche is laid bare and vulnerable are what make this so effective. 

Once you have him there and you think the moment is right, grab his hair roughly, and jerk his head in the direction of the mirror. Say something like “Look yourself in the eye faggot, look at what you’ve become, what I’ve made you into. Now say you’re mine, body and soul, say you’re mine and look yourself in the eye when you say it so the both of us know you MEAN IT!”

Challenges: The only real challenge comes from finding the right moment when your sub is very deep in subspace, and yet still aware enough to engage you. If you find the right moment where he has a submissive dialogue in his own head and you suddenly synchronize what he’s telling himself with the mirror technique, that’s the ultimate goal and when this experience will be mind blowing. It does take some practice to get right, but it generally it won’t really work too effectively against

Outcomes: The reason I’m even writing about this, was that I’ve had two separate men ejaculate immediately when I did this to them. Subspace, my dick, and the moment overwhelmed them and they came all over the bed. I have also had submissives that were suddenly thrown by the unexpected experience. They stutter and their brain just can’t process properly for a moment or two. That’s not a bad reaction and they should fall in line in a moment or two. 

I’ve had other fall in line and completely embrace the experience and spontaneously start engaging in dirty talk (super hot). Although I’ve never had it happen, it could also result in an obvious rejection of the experience. It could also result in someone getting very quiet and unresponsive. Should either happen, stop immediately and engage the submissive to see what’s going on. If you don’t, it could damage your continued ability to play with that boy.

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Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com! 

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Tips For Verbal

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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

Being verbal during sex is a bit of a challenge for many men. It’s a challenge for me as well. I usually have to be particularly horned to do verbal at all. Regardless there are a few tips for people trying to up their game when it comes to verbal.

- KNOW YOUR TARGET!: This is the most important and first step to being verbal. Does your boy want to be called a faggot? A cunt? A whore? A slut? Does he like being made into a girly boy? Does he want you to bring him all your friends with big hard cocks to pillage his fag hole? Does he want to hear about you pissing into his mouth till it over flows and dribbles down his neck? All of these are examples of what knowing the psychology of your boy allows you to do.

- Think it through in advance: You’re on recon; you’ve got a cute sub on the line with an ass to die for. He tells you he wants a man that will hold his arms behind his back and fuck him rough. The simplest thing to do is to think through as many different ways to say back exactly what he told you in advance of when you will get together. Later when you’re in the moment you’re going to be more likely to remember something you’ve already thought of rather than making it up on the spot.

- Wherever possible mix their kinks: If your sub is into being called a bitch and being throat fucked. “Alright you little bitch. It’s time for you to prove you’re going to be my worthy cockslut. Get on the bed I’m going to fuck your throat!”

- Make your boy say what he’s doing: This is part of what I like to call “the mirror technique” which I will explain in its own post another time. As it is relevant here, make your submissive say what they’re doing (if it’s humiliating or they enjoy it). If you do this, most subs will say it quietly and it pays to make them say it loudly. Your submissive will be further humiliated by repeating what they said and louder it will push them further into subspace which makes submissives more likely to follow orders in the future.

Best of luck with these tips. If you end up with any particularly good results feel free to share them with the rest of us ;).

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hadriantemple:

Verbal play is an extremely important tool for doms. Many subs love to be talked down to, and many doms love doing it. There are a couple key reasons for this:

Being talked down to establishes the power dynamic.

Taboo words like bitch and faggot are sexually charged, and saying them empowers the dom.

Sex is to a large extent about imagination, and verbal play helps shape the imagination by guiding the sub to where the dom wants him/her to go.

Effective verbal play can help a sub overlook small mistakes the dom might make.

Being insulted, talked down to, and so on can be very humiliating, which some subs really enjoy.

Verbal play can build anticipation for what's coming next "If you don't do this well enough, I'm going to spank you." (Narrator: He was going to spank the sub anyway.)

I know one boy that I can make cum hands-free just by giving him a good chewing out (@boyspunky, you know what I'm talking about...)

So how do you learn to get good at verbal play? It's basically practice. Build up a repertoire of things you can say, so that you can develop some variety. Get used to saying things like "Down on your knees, cunt!" and practice them until you can say them with a straight face and a tone of authority. When you're done playing, ask for some feedback about what worked and what didn't. (You do ask your subs to give you feedback, right?)

So there are a few key principles to work with in verbal play.

1) Vary your language. Don't keep saying 'bitch'.That makes you look unimaginative and it drains the insult of its erotic charge. We've all watched boring porn where they just say "take that cock" or "oh my god that feels so good" over and over again. If you don't want to sound like bad porn, you need to work on your verbal game. So figure out as many variations as you can and alternate them. If your sub likes a particular term, use that one more frequently. And remember that for a sub, an insult can be a term of endearment. A lot depends on your tone of voice.

2) Use verbal play to build anticipation. Tell the sub what's coming next. If you want to spank the sub, you can threaten it as a punishment for failure, or promise it as a reward for good service, or just tell the sub it's coming. Getting good at this will create the impression that you've planned out the scene (even if you're just improvising).

3) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want them to understand what's happening. Most BDSM acts can have multiple interpretations. For example, pissing on the sub can be about enjoying the liberating physicality of the act ("It feels so damn good to take a piss!"), a statement of humiliation ("you're so pathetic you're gonna let me piss on you"), a statement of ownership and marking ('You're my pissed-on property"), a reward ("if you beg, I'll reward you with my piss") and so on. If you want pissing on the sub to be a humiliation, say so.

4) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want him to act. If the sub knows you want to humiliate him, he's more likely to play into that. And you can tell the sub what you want to see. "If you beg well enough, I'll stop torturing your tits" and "Who's my good boy? Who's daddy's perfect little boy?" can signal the behavior you want.

5) You can dramatize your power by promising things and not giving them or changing your mind. "Ok, you can stop slapping your cock now. No, actually, I've changed my mind. Keep going."

6) Learn the 'magician's force'. Stage magicians use this to guide the audience. If a magician wants you to choose the blue cup and you pick the red cup, he'll say, "ok, that's the one we'll set aside." It creates the illusion of choice while keeping the magician in charge. You can do similar tricks with a sub, in which you give the sub a choice while keeping the illusion of control. I often ask my boy "Would you like me to stop slapping your cock?" If he says 'yes', I'll say "That's too bad. I'm not ready to stop." (But now I know that the boy might be approaching a limit.) If he says no, I'll say "That's good, because I'm not going to." There are lot of games this can be applied to.

7) Verbal play can focus the sub's attention and plant thoughts and feelings in the sub's head. When I'm torturing a boy, I'll say "I'll bet having your tits clamped like that really hurts. You don't think you can take much more of that, do you?" If I'm stroking his cock I might say "God that feels good, doesn't it? Your cock must be bursting. You're probably hoping I'll let you cum soon." Things like that will focus the sub's attention on the facet of the experience you're trying to create. Being told the pain is getting unbearable makes it harder for the sub to manage the pain. And this can sometimes create the impression that the dom knows what the sub is thinking. The sub is having those thoughts and the dom seems to be vocalizing them, when in reality part of the reason the sub is having that thought is that the dom is encouraging the sub to think about that. Many subs love the fantasy of the omniscient dom.

8) You can also help your sub manage the experience through verbal play. "Deep breaths, boy. That will help you manage the pain" or "Ok, I'm going to untie you now. Relax, you'll be free soon."

9) Don't forget to praise the sub. Unless the scene is all about humiliation, praise gives the sub encouragement and helps them feel a sense of pride. And if your scene is about humiliation, you can break the sub down and then build them back up by praising the submissive behavior you're seeking. "You can take this spanking, boy. You've done it before."

10) Verbal mind games can be great fun. Blindfold the sub and then ask them to figure out what toy you're using on them. Or talk to them in ways that make them nervous. "Hmm. I haven't used THIS toy in a while. The last sub I used it on wouldn't stop crying. I wonder if you'll be able to handle it."

11) How you say things can have a big impact on the scene. Whatever you say, it's important to sound like you have the authority to say it. Tentatively saying "umm, take it, uhh, you bitch" is going to make you sound weak when the sub wants you to sound strong. So practice saying things forcefully. That doesn't mean yelling it. Yelling will actually tend to make you look weak, as if you're resorting to volume to make up for authority. Instead you want to sound like you are used to giving commands and having them obeyed. Varying tones give different effects. Saying it with an angry edge in your voice can make a sub anxious in a good way. Saying it with a sound of contempt works well for humiliation play. Speaking softly can sound menacing. And don't forget the power of whispering. Leaning in close to a tied up boy and quietly saying "I'm really going to enjoy this next part, even if you don't" can send some boys over the moon because it combines intimacy with menace.

A couple general points to remember about verbal play

1) Insults can wound far more deeply than most toys. So be careful which ones you use. For example, if your sub is overweight, they're probably somewhat ashamed of their body already, and having their attention called to their weight will probably be humiliating in a bad way. So avoid insults like "fat pig" unless you've talked to the sub and know they're ok with that. Similarly, racially-loaded terms can add excitement for a sub who's of a different race from you, but they can also be very painful, so make sure you include respectful negotiation around racial insults before you start to employ them.

2) Don't joke about ignoring safe words. The sub needs to know you're going to respect the safe word (unless you two are advanced enough that you've decided to drop safe words--a practice that is definitely not for new players). "No" can mean "yes", but "red" has to mean "stop".

3) Verbal play should stop during aftercare, or it should shift to a more gentle and comforting phase. "Yes, baby. Daddy's gonna take care of you now."

4) Not all subs like humiliation and insults, so go cautiously until you know that the sub enjoys that sort of thing. For some subs, being insulted immediately brings them out of their headspace and makes them angry. Just as you wouldn't flog someone without their consent, don't verbally abuse them without it.

So what's your favorite verbal trick?

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Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

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And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

 

Working With Another Dom

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Dyger:

Recently, the boy and I met another Dom and have had a couple scenes with him. It is something I’ve been wanting to do, but also something that I have been a little apprehensive about. We’ve had scenes with other subs that have been very enjoyable, but in those situations, the power dynamic is straightforward; two subs submitting to me.

The lines of control are clear, I have complete authority over what happens in the scene. With another Dom, the lines of control do not converge, and the scene would have two directors. Still it was an experience I wanted the boy to have, so we went forward.

The result was an incredible experience for the boy, and also for me. The Dom that joined us was incredibly skilled and had a compatible view of the role and responsibilites of subs and Doms to my own. That made it easier for us to work together.

What was amazing was the opportunity to share the direction of a scene, and get insight into how someone else approaches Domination. It was so much fun being able to learn from someone who had a different skill set, and at the same time contribute my own skills. I got so much pleasure from watching my boy respond to another Dom.

As for my boy, the experience of submitting to two Doms was incredibly powerful. He fell so deeply into subspace, it was beautiful. Another aspect was the feeling of shared responsibility. Being able to step back for a moment and watch the scene progress without my direct action was so enjoyable and freeing. Knowing that there was shared responsibility allowed me to relax a bit more and enjoy the scene.

Overall it was an incredible growth opportunity to me. I gained some insight into some techniques I would like to master (definitely need to start building some rope skills), but also allowed me to reflect on my Dom persona, and gain some insight about what I want to keep, improve and discard.

It was also a wonderful boost to my self esteem to be in a situation with a peer and be able to work effectively as a partner. It was a great reminder of how kink is a journey, and the fun is in the learning and growth that happens the more you explore and make connections.

hadriantemple:

We doms needs to do things like this. Experienced doms need to share their skills and wisdom with each other, to help nurture the younger doms. As @dyger notes, it requires sharing the power in the scene, but I've learned an enormous amount when I worked with other doms. 

Talk with the other Dom beforehand and figure out the scene. Maybe that means scripting it a bit more than you normally would, or maybe it just means deciding how your two skill sets can fit together. Maybe it means one dom taking the lead and the other helping or just watching. But there is a great deal of pleasure in watching a fellow dom do what he does, and the joy of men being men together can be profound. 

And almost every boy I know loves the idea of having more than one dom using him.

Papa Tony:

In the process of training new Sirs, I have shared many, many scenes.  My slaves know that their submission to other Sirs is part of the job description.  They always feel safe, entertained and valuable.  I make sure of that, and other Sirs would never DREAM of disrespecting or over-doing anything with my valued slaves.

I have been saying for years that human beings are just Troop Monkeys... Pack Apes, who learn by observation.  This means that you COULD try to learn by reading a lot of web-pages, or watching Youtube videos, but there's no better way to get the sense of the FLOW of a scene than by being present and attentive when new pleasures arrive.

Training a Submissive to Cum on Command

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hirsutehindquarters said: Do you have any audio recordings for training subs to cum on command?

Papa Tony:

Nope - Generally, I have to be in a particular mode of thinking before I remember to reach for the audio recording device. If I am pigging out in pleasure, then the thought never occurs to me!

I am assuming that you have read this article, before asking. As one clever follower says, I am giving an excellent example of Operant Conditioning. I suggest further study on the topic.

In my own case, I never use negative training. Positive reinforcement works very well for me.

Sub or Bottom Discovery

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realpowerexchange:

from Recon News

By Team Recon member OhBilly

The night I discovered I could get into a sub head space, I said to the guy who would be the Dom, ‘I’m a proud bottom, but I’m not a sub’. Just a few hours later I’d be reviewing this earlier statement. Turns out, I’d never really experienced being one*, or considered the different ways in which you can be subordinate.

On my profile it says I’m 90% Passive, but how do you apply this? I often get messages from guys expecting me to be a sub, but I’ve never really thought of myself in that way. For me, that number represents me being a (figurative and literal) massive bottom, but for others it’s the Dom/sub spectrum. Some would think these things go hand in hand, but as most of us know, that’s not always the case.

I’d probably only ever used the term ‘power bottom’ when referring to myself in jest, but the first time I experienced being a sub I had an epiphany that maybe this had been my modus operandi all along. But let’s go back a bit first…

The day of Recon UnSensored, a guy who I’d chatted to the previous year got back in touch. Conveniently, he lived in Vauxhall, not far from where the party was. After many almost happenings, this seemed like a do or die situation, so I said I’d aim to head over to his after I was finished at the party. I could come over for a drink and an in-person conversation, but that was all as I had a train up north the next morning. He was fine with this, so I said I’d be in touch.

The party happened. The party was great. I did my work. I had some drinks. I had some fun. I checked he was still up. He was. I walked over.

[Side note: I hadn’t changed out of my foam-soaked cycle gear and jock, so my one-drink-and-gone intentions were…questionable at best].

I arrived at his, and after over a year of buildup, it was a pleasant surprise that he was even hotter in the flesh than in pictures (another blow to my early exit plans). We sat down, drank some wine and started to chat, and I mean REALLY chat. We got into it. For hours. He asked me so many questions and I was an open book. We talked about life and experiences and viewpoints and intentions - including how we both approached fetish and kink. None of this was as a preamble before play; I’d made my peace with it being more of a nice hang out. It was getting late/early and we were both probably too tired anyway. And then I mentioned I’d never truly tried much BDSM.

'Stand up. Get undressed’ he said, whilst opening a draw and reaching for a blindfold. 'Put this on’. I did I was told. I motioned to speak, and he silenced me; then I knew my place. And that was pretty much it for conversation for next few hours.

I was stood in my jock in the middle of his living room. Blindfolded and feeling strangely comfortable. I don’t always have the best body confidence but getting to know each other through our long conversation had the effect of making me feel at ease. Being blindfolded also felt oddly comforting. I stood there expectantly not fully knowing what was going on. I waited. And I stood. And a growing sense of anticipation started to build in me until I was squirming on the spot. Then he told me to be still and he started to touch.

He started gently running his fingers over my body, pausing irregularly and always moving to a different part so I couldn’t anticipate where would be next. The sensation was pleasant, if not a little ticklish. I was grinning nervously and trying to stay in the moment. As he continued, though, my nervousness subsided, and I started to become very much aware of sensation. The pauses started to feel like lifetimes and when he did eventually touch me again a charge ran through me. My body juddered and tingled as he used his hands and other objects to caress my skin.

When he started on my nipples I had a moment of worry, as they’ve always been relatively insensitive, and I feared he’d be disappointed by my response. But this guy knew what he was doing. He lavished them with attention, working them so hard and for so long that I was shocked by how good it felt.

As the play continued I started to take note more and more of my physical and mental responses. As I stood there, it took everything I had not to reach out and touch him back. I clenched my fists to keep them in place and bit my lip to stop me from kissing him when he was near. It was around then that I had my epiphany: I was used to taking charge; I was used to dictating the play. Not always, but often I was the one who led. Whether being the one to drop to my knees, the one to decide a location, the one to say where and when or the one to present, in many little ways I was often in control – a power bottom, if you will. So, having almost zero control over a situation was insanely exciting and in a weird way liberating. What was gonna happen was gonna happen, and I just had to let everything go and go along with it – it felt intense in the best possible way.

The session continued for a long time more, with him eventually leading me to his bed, all the while blindfolded. I was pretty much putty and gladly received everything he gave me (including having my ass eaten more than it’s ever been eaten before by a true master of the artform). Needless to say, I missed that morning train…

In my head, being a sub was something very different to what I experienced that night. My assumption was that it was always about humiliation and degradation, and that wasn’t something that truly appealed. What I learned was that it seems to be more about control, power and trust. It doesn’t need to be about aggression, but instead can be something intensely gentle. Through this one session I had my eyes opened to some truths I’d never realised about myself, and experienced play in a way that I never had before. I understand to some this experience would read as very minor, but for me it was a big step on my fetish/kink journey. I still don’t know if I’d ever fully identify as a sub, but it’s nice to know I have subby tendencies in me, and that I can step outside my box and enjoy other types of play.

*Well, actually, as documented in a Fetish Problems (they’re written anonymously, but if you go off writing style you can pretty much tell who’s who), I’d previously tried my hand at being a phone sub.

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Papa Tony:

What a delightful story of growth and progression. Clearly, that Dom was respectfully helping the sub to get to a whole new understanding of erotic reality, as opposed to the stereotypes out there.

Up to that point, the sub was quite naturally reacting to the narrow version of kinky play shown in porn. He can’t be blamed for that.

Porn conveys a constant “CLANG-CLANG-CLANG” of limited, one-sided information that MUST be true, since it is everywhere that you look.

The Dom was doing Holy Duty, in my opinion. He generously invested his time in educating the sub. Obviously, there was a payoff for the Dom. He got some delightful Honeymoon-level play with an eager and willing new sub.

The rest of us got to benefit, as well. One MORE happy kinkster is now among us, and he will be in no mood to settle for less. Word is spreading:

Kinky erotic play is the very best sexual and experiential kind of pleasure available, and you don’t need a single drug to “enhance” the erotic ecstasy. It’s the very peak of pleasure, when guided by a wise and experienced Dom.

Like this one. He’s so very qualified. His ability to connect with the sub on multiple levels is masterful.



Every year during San Diego Pride, the Leather Realm at the Pride Festival employs around a hundred volunteers in various shifts. Many of them are “Ambassadors.”

They answer newbie questions with a warm and welcoming perspective. They do gentle, Kinky Kindergarten-level demos. They are demythologizing how deep and trust-based intimacy works, when it works very well.

The Ambassadors are breaking down internal walls and obsolete decisions, with people who are ready to take some chances. It is noble work.

A Punishment

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slovenealpha: I started seeing a new submissive a couple of weeks ago. He is a bit new to the scene, so we had some training to do. We slowly got to the point where he wanted me to take full control of his cock, so my first command was naturally him not being allowed to cum. I told him he can only edge for an hour every day if he so chooses.

One day I get a message from him, saying that he jizzed and that he is sorry. Very brief and very easy. Of course, he broke a serious rule, so he won’t be getting away that easy. I explained to him that I am very disappointed and that an apology is not enough, not even closely. He sent me a couple of pics kneeling and even retried with a longer apology, so I had to break it to him that he needs to be properly punished.

Before meeting me next time he got fairly anxious and kept asking what he should expect. He knew well, that I won’t tell. This was something I haven’t done in a long time either, since no subs of mine have broken the rules in over half a year. And he broke a rule I deemed important, which meant that I would really need to assert my dominance. The problem was, that he was still relatively new to this and I didn’t want to scare him off.

When we met, he got ready and I told him to undress in front of me and get in the doggy position on the bed. He did as ordered and made sure he did it as fast as possible too. It was clearly visible that he is afraid of what’s to come. I blindfolded him and told him not to make a sound. I got a leather belt out of my pants and folded it over in a calm silent manner and grabbed his ass and appreciated his slim well-kept body for a moment.

Then I surprised him with a whip from my belt, strong enough to scare him and hurt just enough to tell him what’s to come. I continued to belt his ass with strong whips, increasing the intensity of every hit. I made sure they were spaced enough, so he could savour the pain of each one. I stopped at 10 hits and his ass got nicely red. He let out only a quiet whimper.

I grabbed his nuts, pulled on them, leaned into his ear and said “This belongs to me now. This was a very light punishment and was merciful. Now I hope you understand that if you break the rules, there will be consequences.” (in slovene, of course) “Yes, Sir, I understood and it won’t happen again.” he replied and I let go of his nuts. “Good boy.” I said gently while starting to play with his hole. After that I got my hard cock, tied his hands behind his back, planted his face onto the mattress and fucked him hard and deep. I made him cum hands free and shot deep in his hole.

While cuddling he told me that he really appreciates what I did and it made me very happy. I achieved in practice, what I was learning. The punishment was only the belting part, but the real focus was on the pleasurable hot steamy fuck. I very rarely do punishments and I believe they don’t really have an overall positive effect in the long-term, so what I did was to focus on positive reinforcement.

Papa Tony:

This is a very evolved way to build trust and deepen a relationship. Arbitrary, needless punishment is a perpetration. Instead, the young Alpha is building a positive reinforcement cycle between the two of them. Sounds like a really FUN scene, too!

August 10th, 2018 7:43pm

Make or Break

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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dirtydaddythings: I use the terms Making a boy or Breaking a boy often and reblog things that have that topic in them because I believe both are integral parts of being a Daddy.

When I speak of ‘making a boy’ I am referring to the process of helping a younger man awaken to, and accept, the part of him that wants to be submissive or at least to learn from an older mentor/father figure/Daddy. It means we talk honestly, openly and with respect for both roles and he learns as much about them as we can cover. The rest he has to ask himself in private.

Making him isn’t about coercion, conversion or manipulation. That’s not a Daddy’s way. He must already BE a ‘boy’ before he can learn what it means to become one fully and become what makes him happy.

A major part of making a boy is his acceptance of his desires and the removal of any shame he feels for needing a “Daddy”. This is one of the big hurdles for a boy-to-be, along side doubt in their value as a boy, their attractiveness and other malignant thoughts about themselves that are deeper instilled than everyday stresses. These are lasting parts of him and are truly the source of the need for a Daddy to ‘discipline’ him and make him believe something else about himself. A key to this is the knowledge that his opinion of himself has no place in my presence because Daddy does not waste time on people without value to him.

He is there because I judge him worthy and that must become proof of his validity and potential. He’ll learn that my commands and reinforcement are there to guide him out of that shell, to make him comfortable in his own skin and to happily embrace his ‘boy- nature’. 

My example as a confident, Dominant, Daddy; that I am shameless when it comes to my role and refusal to accept outside pressure to be anyone but who i am, serves as a role he can model his own self value on. Making a boy is about ‘making him’ become his true self without shame, guilt or reservation. 

 


Breaking the boy is different from making him in many ways.It’s how I describe the removal of obstacles to him becoming himself and stepping into the role of ‘boy’ with confidence. There is so much heaped on us in the outside world that in order to experience the depth of release, pleasure and satisfaction I want to share with a boy that I have no choice but to break him of their influence. 

It can be a real challenge to move him from ‘adult’ to ‘boy’ by bringing him into that submissive headspace especially when those pressures are extreme and taxing on him. Sometimes those pressures are internal: depression, anxiety, self-esteem or body image problems or similar things.Those too remain inhibitions to his happiness and pleasure so it falls into my hands to break them even if only for a little while.

My Dominance, all the trappings and nuances of ‘the game’, is by design and intended to take him out of their world and bring him into mine. Breaking him is how I create that ‘safe space’ that he craves: a place where he is protected, nurtured, cared for, guided and loved. It’s a fantasy created by roles, but it’s not a lie. 

Those things are absolutely real when we are together in that way and over time they cease to be only when we play the game and become part of everyday life at home. They are the ‘lie’ we believe until it begins to become real and starts to change us outside those play times together. 

My goal, when I must break a boy, is to free him permanently from those things by giving him confidence, security and affection until (and long after) he’s put those things aside himself. I can’t ‘make him’ do that, he has to want to, and his desire to be my boy is a powerful motivator for change. 

 


The result of making and breaking a boy is that instead of someone standing in front of me who is afraid of what he needs and ashamed of his desires there is someone instead who is proud to be a boy, happy to be with his Daddy and takes joy AND solace in Daddy’s arms. 

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Papa Tony:

Really beautifully said.

Our lives, thoughts and upbringing have been constantly bombarded by toxic memes. It’s distressing. It reduces our pleasure in life. The process described by our brother @dirtydaddythings is a form of “reprogramming” the submissive with healthy, life-affirming memes, after reducing the effect of the bad ones. Soon, the good ones (with positive reinforcement) take over, and life gets so much better.

All that it takes is a friend, a social circle, a Dominant (or a sub) that cares enough to share what they have found in their quest for wisdom.

That’s what I have been doing on a constant basis. Not just with my subs, but with my community:

A much bigger version of this image can be found here. That pic shows one-seventh of the 695 men who attended one of our Movie Nights.

We all have egos, triggers and wounds from our pasts. I have a single-spaced list of grievances from my childhood as long as my arm, that could easily convince me to give up, be bitter and cynical, and give up on humanity. If I relied upon what I learned as a queer Catholic boy, I would have been dead decades ago.

Instead, I choose every day to be happy, to get over myself, and to be childlike, open and kind. Yes, there are bad people out there, and I will continue to warn newbies. The good news? The bad ones take up less than one percent. The vast majority of kinky gay men are starved for reasons to be the best men that they can be. They want it badly.

Given permission to be their best, most men stand taller, puff their chests out, and wag their tails like crazy to be one of many admirable, honorable, lovable and respectable men in a Tribe.