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Question: Do you all have any Protocols for starting play? Like, your subs bringing you their collar or having him sit and breathe before starting?
(Standard disclaimer: These steps and concepts are what works for me, personally. If you ask eighty different Doms, Sirs and Masters for THEIR opinions, you will get eighty different answers. Also, the original version of this topic was a mess of pronouns of every kind. I simplified it for consistency, and my own, gay-male viewpoint.)Papa Tony:
Collaring, Phase One
If he is a NEW sub, but I have taken quite a fancy to him, I may take some lariat (boot lace) leather and tie it around his neck. I refer to this as his "training collar".
After the scene, I will have him wear the training-collar into the shower, so that it lays flatter under a t-shirt at work, let's say.
Since the leather collar is comfortably fitted, transparent on an airport x-ray, and not visible at work, it's no big deal. It is an ongoing reminder of YOU, and your role in his life. If you are a sentimental old fool like me, you will also tell him that he is to consider it to be a hug from you, as well.
I tell the eager new sub that when the two of us are together, and the collar goes on, then it takes away his ability to over-think things. He ALWAYS has choices, but your purpose is to support him in letting GO of old fears, biases and wounds, and learning to trust completely. At the end of the scene, remind him of that promise, and ask if you have earned more of that trust. I do this, to rub that firm commitment into the sub's face, so that he always LEARNS from what happened.
This is a process of mutual growth and understanding.
Collaring, Phase Two
The Purpose of the Collar
In service to an Elder of the Leather Tribe.
I have brought newly-collared submissives to large leathermen's events, as part of helping him to understand how his life has changed. I will enter the event with him, tightly by my side, and slightly behind me… even at the end of a leash. That way, all eyes fall upon us as a bonded unit.
After a while, I will tell the sub to wander off and make a circuit of the space, and not to come back for at least half an hour. When he comes back, I interview him about his newly-collared experience. In every case, he is flushed with pride. Folks will tell him "You KNOW that you won the lottery, right?" or "How did you get on the list, you lucky bastard??!?"
This process is to support him in understanding just how much his life has changed. There is more to this, but that would not fit within the concept of "new submissive".
All that I would add is that a collar is a one-way GIFT. The very last thing that I would ever do, is to demand to take a collar back. It is a HUGE, wrenching breakdown for a sub to have to relinquish his most-prized possession. Don't be so cruel.
About Protocols...
"Protocols" are consistent and repeatable actions, orders or expectations that the Sir has for the submissive.
The purpose of protocols at the arrival-point is to support the sub into reaching sub-space during the scene. He can't do that if he is all logical and analytical, and over-thinking everything.
By telling him soberly and assuredly that you are placing the collar upon him as a token of extra respect for him (he stands out from the crowd of subs who seek a Sir), you are claiming him as your sub.
Tell him that your goal is to overwhelm him with pleasure and stimulation, to reward him for giving up control, and going with the flow.
Use the phrase "I am an ethical Sir" as a powerful declaration. Don't use weasel words like "I will try" or "if I can". Use powerful statements not only to reassure him, but to give yourself the courage to be a man of your word.
Make a stand for your superiority, compared to the scary types who lurk online and prey upon the innocent. You may be new at being a Sir, but your heart is pure, your intentions are honorable, and you will gladly do what it takes to be respected, honored, admired and LOVED.
Setting Up the Play-Space
Properly collared, he needs to strip naked and serve your needs, while you remain dressed, visibly goofing off nearby. Setting up toys, or showering first.
In my own, rather more-advanced case, the slaves have to be taught how to douche, to set up the sling, cross or rim-chair. He may have to bring the toy-bag upstairs. He might bring up the Big Box 'o Rope™, or the strap-on dildo with lube. He ALWAYS has to spread large towels on the bed - the husband dislikes finding lube-stains and bodily-fluids on the sheets, when laundry-day rolls around.
Doing stuff like this helps the sub escape from the concerns and considerations of the world, and puts him into a mindful space of pleasing the Sir.
Once the scene has been set up to your liking, he comes to you and kneels, to announce that all is prepared. He then formally undresses YOU, slowly and lovingly.
Cuddling, AKA BeforeCare, DuringCare and After Care
I take the sub deeper, by cuddling first. This ALWAYS shocks men that I train to be Sirs. This part doesn't appear in ANY kinky porn. Yet, it works great for me.
I say "put your head on my chest", and he can't wait to do so, immediately. I caress, we murmur together about this and that. Touch is VERY reassuring. It's hard to bullshit people when you are close, naked, touching and fully authentic from moment to moment. This GREATLY breaks down resistance and preconceptions.
After a short while, I will order the sub to lay flat on his tummy. I begin caressing more sensuously. I use every tool that my body has, to make it a deliriously pleasurable kinky massage.
I may then start TESTING the sub's reactions, but playfully smacking the side of his ass, and checking in... "Does that hurt? Do you feel violated? You never will..."
Test his reactions to tickling, nipping lightly, or spanking, by always starting out light, and then working one's way up.
The goal is to get the endorphins flowing, more and more.
I sometimes provide a break in a heavy scene, and it always involves cuddling.
Responsibility For Both Sides
NOW is a VERY GOOD TIME to give him the lecture about Responsibility For Both Sides. Tell him how responsible you are. Lay it on thick, and truthfully.
However...
He also has a responsibility to tell the Sir what does and does not work, in real time. If he tries to lay there stoically, in an attempt to impress the Sir with his stamina, discourage this by telling him that you want honest, constant feedback.
Tell him that his reactions excite you, and the more that he submits, the more that you will dominate.
If all goes well, then amp up the action, using toys. If you have watched my Flogging for Beginners video, then you will know how to calibrate for success.
Tell him that you will never take him past level 8, out of ten. That you would rather UNDER-do the first scene, leaving him wanting MORE, than to over-do it.
Distracting the Little Voice in His Head
Why do I keep harping on using your words as powerful declarations? Because we Sirs have the power to set the agenda, and guide the flow.
Take a moment to consider what we Sirs are up against. Bias, misunderstanding and stereotypes, and we have to be active in our efforts to overcome those problems. Kinky dominant folks are EASILY put into a box called "SCARY". As an ethical Sir, you have to consciously break down the presuppositions.
Because there is a little voice in all of our heads, and it has a purpose: It wants to keep our lives safe, and without risk. It wants your life to be FLAT, with no dips or peaks. The problem with that is, only DEAD people have existences that never change.
Yes, failure is scary, but taking chances and being rewarded is what makes us reach new, and glorious highs. If done right, and in a conscious way, then the two of you will still have ups and downs in your life, but the trend will be UPWARD.
As Sirs, we have to reassure the sub's little voice in his head, which wants to scream "WHAT am I doing here?" "Does he think I'm too old/fat/skinny/young/hairy/smooth?" "Am I good enough?" By talking with assurance, by clearly signaling what comes up next, and by REMINDING the sub what just happened, and why, we are locking-in deeper submission.
That little voice in his head will be distracted by what you are doing and saying, and he will dive deeper into a trusting place.
Reaching the Ultimate Goal
If you see kink as Extreme Intimacy, as I do, then the goal is to get to Ultimate Ecstasy, using zero drugs, or other crutches. This never happens without clear thinking and intention. You don't have to understand all of this fancy talk from me in a logical sense. Just dive deep with honorable intentions, and you will be FINE.
Once you have the sub nicely excited and relaxed, then sex is quite nice. I recommend it.
Or, you can go more stimulative, with toys such as paddles and floggers. Your call. Trust your gut. You are running the show. If all goes well, then the two of you will keep growing and maturing and gaining wisdom, every single time that you connect.
Aftercare, & Report Card
AFTER a scene, aftercare always involves cuddling. Why? Because, done right, the Sir is directing the mutual powerflow toward intensity and stimulation. If I were to do outrageously new and exciting things, and then kick the sub out the door, then it breaks the connection in an upsetting way.
- Physical touch. Lots of it. Drifting along for a few minutes is always well-received. I will order the sub to "go deep for a while. I will watch the clock".
- This encourages the sub to go right into Sub Space… a mental state where deep ecstasy and relaxation take over. The face goes slack, dreamy bliss takes over, and the sub may even conk out for a few minutes. Not from stress, but from the natural endorphin high. It's a magical time.
- Praise for a job well done. This MUST be authentic and from the heart. This "Report Card" is crucial for both sides to know how they did, and what works great for the future.
Closing Protocols
I like to take a shower after a scene. This may include having the sub shave my head, wash me lovingly in the shower, dry me and dress me. I head downstairs after this, while the sub stays behind.
It is NOT the Sir's job to clean up. Everything that changed during the play-scene must be put back the way that it was. Tidying, cleaning, putting things back where they belong.
Then, I am called back for inspection. Once everything is up to my satisfaction, the sub can dress.
The sub presents himself to me, for orders, and we negotiate plans for the next scene. If he is wearing a chain collar, he hands me the key. EVERY single time, he whines and complains about having to take it off. However, since my slaves all have long-time vanilla husbands, it's not really an option.
As the sub is heading out the door, I will issue a final order for the scene:
"Before you sleep tonight, I want an email from you, telling me what happened, (as if I wasn't there), and tell me what you liked, and what didn't work as well". Until we develop Psychic Sirs, then feedback of this quality is essential for us to learn our craft.
As the sub is heading out the door, I will issue a final order for the scene:
"Before you sleep tonight, I want an email from you, telling me what happened, (as if I wasn't there), and tell me what you liked, and what didn't work as well". Until we develop Psychic Sirs, then feedback of this quality is essential for us to learn our craft.
Have fun!
UPDATE, from my buddy and fellow Mentor Todd:
The article is well written. It describes your process very clearly. I see a couple of things that are fairly universal. The “ramp up” process of putting the sub in headspace is universal and can take a lot of forms. All of that comes thru practice and experience. Each Dom may achieve the same thing thru various means but what you’ve described is a good place to start.
Putting the subs head on your chest is what we call “home position” and is the place the sub can always escape to when things get rough. “Home position” for me is always available whether in or out of a scene.
For me, collars are a REALLY big deal. Wearing my collar means that the sub represents me and is an extension of me and my family in the community. I do prescribe to the different “stages” of collars like you described. Here is also a good video regarding collars that aligns well with me.
Honest, real negotiations going into the scene are CRITICAL! No one wants to have someone tap out mid-scene. So be honest about your skill set and expect the sub to be honest about their interests. Kink play RARELY happens spontaneously, but a good introduction makes for some amazing experiences.
Of all the things you described, after-care is the most essential. It is the Dom's responsibility to reintroduce the sub back into the real world and out of headspace. You have been pushing the sub mentally and physically for a period of time (sometimes to the point of breaking) and abruptly dumping the sub after the scene can lead to anxiety at best and trauma at worst. Aftercare doesn’t end after 15-20 min either. You ramped the sub up for weeks; the come-down should be at least equivalent.
AFTERCARE - (after kink care)
Thank you for showing us a glimpse into the way you manage your scenes. Subs trust us with their whole being and we as Doms must honor that gift and treat it with the respect it deserves.
Sir i will love to be trained by You, i did the personality test http://www.humanmetrics.com/personality/estj
ReplyDeleteHoping to talk with You. Ricardo