TribalVibe with Papa Tony: December 2018

Monday, December 31, 2018

Self-Care Masterpost

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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lah-disputes:

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you!

Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe.

Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts.

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like.

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues;

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood.

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively.

Uncomfortable with silence;

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic.

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety;

-How to stop worrying.

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques.

-Self-help strategies for anxiety.

-Helping a friend with anxiety.

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety.

Sad, angry and depressed/depression;

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management.

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness;

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness.

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness.

-How to deal with loneliness.

Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.

Addiction;

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

Eating disorders;

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments.

-Support services for eating disorders.

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery.

-Recovering from an eating disorder.

-100+ reasons to recover.

-Understanding and managing eating disorders.

Dealing with self-hatred;

-3 ways to ease self-loathing.

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate.

Suicidal;

-International suicide hotlines (1)(2)

-Preventing suicide.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.

Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.

-Delusions and hallucinations.

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home.

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD.

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments.

Borderline personality disorder;

-Helping someone with BPD.

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse;

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships.

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse.

-Hotlines services.

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship.

-Domestic violence support.

-Signs of an abusive relationship.

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship.

-Surviving abuse.

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed.

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused.

Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you.

Loss and grief;

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger.

-Common reactions to death.

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family.

-Coping with a breakup.

Getting help;

-Seeking help early.

-All about psychological treatments.

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality.

Things you need to remember;

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not.

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this.

-You are not alone.

-You are enough.

-You are important.

-You are worth it.

-You are strong.

-You are not a failure,

-Good people exist.

-Reaching out shows strength.

-Breathe.

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you.

-Give yourself credit.

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones.

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend.

-Focus on the things you can change.

-Let go of toxic people.

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do.

-Try not to beat yourself up.

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next.

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance.

-You are smart.

-You are loved.

-You are wanted.

-You are needed.

-Better days are coming.

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright.

-You have more potential than you think.

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

dirtydaddythings:

Never forget: Above and beyond everything you see and read here, you are loved. There is no caveat there. You are, and I mean that. There is not now, nor has there EVER been someone who isn’t or who was unlovable. Even the most evil figures in history had someone who loved them, how could it be any less true of you?

Your time is precious, not only to yourself but to those who care for you. There won’t always be someone to lean on the moment you need them so it’s up to you to make it until then. That means reaching out, learning to cope (even if for a little while) and remembering what I said: You’re loved. You can do it, I know you can. Make me proud.

The Glass Orb

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masterdomonic:

Control

n. 1) power to direct or regulate. 2) The condition of being restrained, checked, or controlledvb. to exercise restraining or directing influence over

The following is a random thought I had once while discussing the Dom/sub dynamic with a sub several months ago. It has of course been more thought out since the discussion, and been added to, elaborated upon, etc. but it is something I have come to regard as important.

I always use this example with “newbies” and first-timers, but it is something I discuss with experienced subs as well.

Everyone has a certain amount of control in/over their own lives. Some more than others of course, but we all have a little.

Imagine your control as a Glass Orb. A ball of thin glass, a smooth sphere, crystalline, shining with reflected light. A fragile thing of beauty you cherish.

What does it take to be able to hand your Glass Orb to some one else?

If they are not careful, they may get something on it that dulls it’s shine. The glass becomes foggy, no longer a glorious Orb that catches the light, but some dull thing that sits like any other round smooth rock.

What if they mar the surface? There will forever be a chip in it. No longer is it beautiful and perfect, it would be flawed, and forever be turned to hide the imperfection, no longer admirable from every angle.

If they are flippant about it, bouncing it back and forth, rolling it around with no regard for the precious treasure they hold, perhaps it cracks? Worse than a chip. A crack, you cannot hide. Everyone can see the flaw, no matter how it is turned.

But what if, what if they don't CARE!?
What if they drop it, and it shatters?

Ah, there is the biggest fear.
The broken Orb.

You can never simply repair it. your control, shattered, destroyed. How do you recover from that!?

What does it take to hand over that Orb?

Trust.

“Do you trust Me to hold your Glass Orb? Can you willingly hand it to Me, trustingMe to care for it as my own?”

As a Dom, what does it mean to be handed this sphere of brilliant glass?

It means he trusts you

It means that he is willing to set aside his own desires for yours

It means that he is giving You an opportunity to prove that You are worthy of him

It means that you have earned his sacred gift, even if only for a short time

This is a gift that must be returned at the end of a session.
Some Doms try to keep the Orb, “I’ll just set it over here until you come back”.

This is rarely (if ever) a wise idea.

Taking the Orb from a sub is theft.
Removing the Orb from his possession is theft.Keeping the Orb without his consent is THEFT!

It is given into Your hands to care for while it is Yours, with the knowledge that it is to be returned.
It is a temporary giftIt is NOT Yours to keep

Of course, there are caveats to these rules such as “consensual non-consent” scenarios
But in the general scheme of things, the rules stand.

One of the biggest warnings I give any submissive is this:

“If you start to panic, I am right here, and will do my best to help you calm down. But I will not let you out until you have calmed down.”

I am often told that this is fine, but they are nervous and want to know why.

Again, this comes down to trust.

During the session, I am holding on to the Orb he gave Me. This gift of his control which he placed in My hands, willingly giving Me full control of him.

If he suddenly “steps out” of sub-space, he thinks “what am I doing!?” he cannot get out, he cannot get free. This can be terrifying!

The natural reaction is to try to take back control, to strive and struggle to take back that Orb. To hold it, and think “I’m ok”

However, quite the opposite happens.
If he suddenly tries to take back control, he is bound, he is helpless. The struggle for control only takes the Orb out of My hands, and we all know panic is the opposite of control.

Who has the control now?

No one does.

He has knocked the Orb from My hands and sent it rolling across the room. He cannot pick it up, he’s bound! I cannot pick it up, it is not mine to hold without his permission, and he’ll only knock it out of My hands again.

It is now up to Me to help him calm down. To show him that though bound and helpless, he is safe. To prove Myself in earning his trust by walking him through his fear.

Once he calms down, he realizes he is safe, that I am here for him as much as he is here for Me. He can then grant permission for Me to pick up his Orb again, to hold it and treasure it as I should.
In his eyes, I have earned that right.

When the session is over, and he is released however, I will hand the Orb back.
He takes it home with him.

I am left knowing I had the honor of holding his Orb for a little while. Perhaps he will allow Me to hold it again.

As a Dom/Master, I admire other Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses who have earned the privilege of holding their sub’s Glass Orb permanently.

They proudly display it on the mantle of their home, as they should.

I enjoy seeing those Orbs there, knowing they were freely given, unmarred, uncracked, unbroken. Pristine and shining! Trust earned, submission given.

Doms - NEVER take for granted the gift of the Glass Orb.
It is not a toy, it is a treasure.Know that it must be a gift, freely given, to truly mean something.

subs, never give your orb to someone you don’t think will care for it. you have only one to give.
It may get marred, yes, cracked, tarnished. Those things happen. Mistakes. Sometimes yours, sometimes theirs.But the right Dom will help you polish it until it shines. the nicks and scratches will fade and heal, and you will find your true place.

Is this easy?
Is it simple?

Like anything worth having… NO!!

But subs, take the chance!
Doms, prove yourselves!

And soon, you can enjoy that orb on the mantle together.

There is no greater joy for a Master and slave.

~Master Domonic

I’m No Masochist. I’ve Never Been A Pain Slut.

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memoryanddesire-stirring:

I’m no masochist. I’ve never been a pain slut. I cry when I stub my toe and go to great lengths to avoid anything with even the slightest possibility of pain. My take on paper cuts? A justifiable cause to avoid envelopes. Bang my head on a closet shelf? Cause for medical care and probably an MRI. Clover clamps? Should have been named nipple tourniquets from hell. I know how to take care of myself: avoid anything that hurts.

I know I’m supposed to like it—how does one belong in a BDSM lifestyle without liking pain? I’ll admit I love being bound, immobile, and used. I even like floggings and spankings and the like…to a point. But pain? Real pain? It does nothing for me. I don’t become instantly aroused with labia clips and nipple clamps. Or do I? Is it possible to be sure?

Because I know, when I attempt those things, I wince, I curse, everything in my brain tells me to avoid it;, but there’s something else that I don’t quite understand: I keep doing it—and at the end of the day, I find myself smiling about it. Glad that I was able to withstand it…for Him. For only Him.

At the end of the day, when He debases me, I learn my value; when He humiliates me, I learn humility; when He inflicts pain, I learn my strength. I learn that I am strongest when I show Him my weakness…The more I endure for Him, the more I want to give. I give Him this, because He has earned my utmost trust and devotion.

He shows me patience and kindness, the need for discipline and allowance, and when each is appropriate. He teaches me the necessity for all those things, for myself as much as for others. He is the only person strong enough to help me learn those lessons, to free me from those fears that keep me bound in my own head.

I don’t want to hurt, to feel pain, to throb for hours on end waiting for relief, but I do. It isn’t the pain. Rather, it is because knowing that I withstand it for Him makes me proud, makes me feel stronger for having surrendered to it.

Because making Him happy gives me a joy I’ve never felt before that goes far beyond any sexual pleasure. Because serving Him makes me better at…well…just being me. It grounds me and gives me focus. It reminds me who I am. Because hearing that He enjoys any task I’ve done solely for His pleasure gives me purpose.

It is not as simple as someone telling me to do something and doing it. It is sublimely different. It is giving in its purest form. It’s wanting to give over everything that I am to the Man who has earned it, whose will I long to follow, the Man for whom I am willing to face my deepest fears and accept intense moments of pain despite my own voices telling me to hide.

Because that is the way to break down the barriers I’ve spent a lifetime building—to give Him that opening, that exposure, a blossoming of sorts, that no one has ever seen, that no one else has ever drawn from me. Only Him. Only He shows me who I need to be for myself. And in doing so, I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel loved.

I want Him to have it all: my fear, my tears, my anger, my passion…even my pain, and all my pleasure. I want Him to feel every thought, every need, every sense I have, because they belong to Him. To give Him all this, all that I am, all that I hope to be, I am willing to surrender to the fear, to the things I’ve avoided, to a will bigger than my own.

I surrender to Him knowing that for all His savagery, there is tenderness. For all I endure, all the devotion I offer Him in my suffering, I receive His admiration and care back tenfold. I surrender because in everything I do, I am His: His servant, His slave, His lover, His ward. And He is my Dominant, my Master, my beloved Sir.

So, no, I’m no masochist. I’m something far better: I am His.

Subs Are Not Some Objects An Alpha (Ab)uses And Tosses Away.

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slovenealpha:

Subs are not some objects an Alpha (ab)uses and tosses away. Subs are human beings with whom you reach happiness together. They are (your) subs, because they wanted to submit to you, they desire your domination. They are gifts, but give themselves to you. They are beautiful and should always be treated with respect and humane dignity. You may set them rules and order them, but you must neveroverstep their limits, make them feel intense distress or blackmail them (to name a few).

They are treasures and a real Alpha will protect them and care for them. Think of it as a really expensive smartphone: you will use it for pleasure, but won’t go cracking its screen and tossing it away. That goes way deeper for subs, since their human. If a sub doesn’t want intense ball busting, you won’t go making him punch his balls blue on your first session. You will start out with something small then slowly introduce them to ball pain, but if they reject something with great reassurance don’t force yourself. And outside of sex, you shouldn’t be cold towards them and make them feel unwanted and unloved.

You are their Sir because they know you won’t mistreat them.

Take The Time To Learn Yourself Before You Allow Others To Control You.

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ultracollared:

To my fellow subs, pups, and slaves, gimps, furries, kinksters, and littles; to any identity you claim or feel or discover:

You may not need to hear these words, but there are far too many out there who run headlong into this world without any understanding. I may be reiterating things that have been said a thousand times in more coherent and eloquent ways. But too often I see or console or offer advice to those who have learned these lessons through experiences that I don’t want to imagine.

This isn’t exhaustive, and you may not agree with every one of them. These ideas do not come from a place of selfishness. They apply whether or not you identify as submissive, Dominant, or anywhere in between. It is not meant to inspire fear or cynicism. It is not meant to create self-doubt or generalize “Dominance” as heartless and uneducated. These ideas come from a place of self-love and self respect. If you have a problem with that, you have no place in my world.

If you can take one thing from it, whether validation of your own knowledge, or a deeper understanding of yourself, please know that you don’t have to face any of it alone.

In this, the “Dominant” is in general reference of any identity therein (whether Sir, Master, Handler, etc.)

Take the time to learn yourself before you allow others to control you.

Whether you’re just discovering your submissive identity, or you’re a pro, you can always benefit from introspection. Your relationship with a Dominant is only made stronger with a better understanding of yourself and your needs.

No one is ever entitled to your submission.

I’ll say that again: NO ONE IS EVER ENTITLED TO YOUR SUBMISSION. Anyone who approaches you with the idea that they deserve you without so much as a conversation should be avoided. It is in your best interest to protect yourself, regardless of how exciting and enticing it may be to have someone assert such control.

Seek your community.

Whether its a local one, or something you find online, seek out a community of like minded people. Not only will this give you an opportunity to meet and befriend others who understand you, it is also for your protection. Your community is your safe place. We take care of our own.

Make friends with other submissives.

We understand each other better than most. You know things I don’t. Seek advice and care from others without an ulterior motive. I may not be able to tell you what to do, but I can always try to help.Communication is everything.

Seek a method of feedback that your Dominant can respect, whether positive or constructive. Anyone who assumes they know everything or can do no wrong is too insecure to admit their own flaws. Safe words are great, but that will only get you so far. You know what enhances or pulls you out of your headspace. Tell them.

Consideration periods are not simply to determine “whether you’re good enough” or “whether you deserve” something.

They are an opportunity for you to examine your own compatibility and headspace prior to engaging in commitment. They are one of the best tools you have to truly put yourself into a healthy and engaging environment. If it doesn’t work, speak up.You always have the right to leave.
Pretty damn self explanatory.

Make sure you understand YOUR limits.

To push through them is one thing, but you need to understand that too far can be too far. Learn how to say no in a way that enhances your relationship and mutual understanding. And if that isn’t respected? You always have the right to leave.

You deserve respect, too.

It may be shown in different ways. You may like to be called horrible names and treated like dirt. But unless you’ve gotten to the point where you feel safe in that space, don’t let someone walk all over you, regardless of their assumed Dominance.

Take. Your. Time.

Especially for those newer to discovering their submissive headspace, every person who validates that headspace will seem good to you. Just because someone offers you a collar does not mean you take it. Be careful. Ownership is first and foremost about trust. I understand the need; its an innate desire to give up control to the first person who tries to take it from you. But submission is not taken, it is earned. Give yourself the time and make sure their investment in you is equal to your investment in them.

If you need a break, take one.

Sometimes you just need to give yourself an opportunity to refocus. Take a step back from all of it and breathe without fear of control or retribution. Have the self awareness to know when you need it.Explore what you feel.

Don’t let yourself be defined by an expectation or ideal. If you don’t feel completely submissive, or completely Dominant, that’s okay. Give yourself the opportunity to explore those feelings. It may change on any given day or hour or minute. Surround yourself with those who will allow you to grow.

Headspace isn’t about losing yourself.

It’s a place that’s meant to allow you to let go. Sometimes it’s hard to find, and that’s okay. Don’t force it. Your headspace should be as unique as you. Allow the pieces of you that you love to shine through it.Not all headspace is sexual.

Never feel like where you go in that place must be accompanied with BDSM. If your headspace needs to be a safe place for you, let it. Many use it as a coping mechanism for anxiety and depression and these triggers can not only be upsetting but dangerous. Never, ever assume anything without knowing someone. Care before control.

Look out for each other.

Know the signs of someone who needs help. They may not ask for it, but make sure those around you know that you’re looking out for them. There can be a very fine line between BDSM and abusive relationships. You may not be able to fix it, but the love you show someone may have a bigger impact than you think.

If you have more to contribute, please do. I don’t expect this to be exhaustive, I want to give people an opportunity to think and respond and create healthy dialogue around a part of “us” that is too often silenced by passivity.

Please, please share this with everyone you can.

Subdrop And Aftercare

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desires-of-a-dominant-man:

I thought I would write a little and provide some useful information about subdrop and aftercare, since I have just had to help a close friend deal with her first experience of subdrop and although she knew what it was, she did not realise that is what she was going through and did not know how to deal with it.

What Is Subdrop?

Subdrop is the emotional and physical symptoms felt by a submissive that is caused by tiring out the body and the release of adrenalin, endorphins, hormones and other chemicals that create a natural high during a scene, leading to a subsequent ‘come down’ afterwards, similar to the effects of illicit drugs. It can leave a sub feeling exhausted, depressed, sad and very emotional. This can include feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and other negative thoughts, but you should realise that this is simply your body’s natural response to a very intense experience, it is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and you are not to blame.

Subs will often experience subdrop in different ways, some may feel the effects of it more intensely than others and it can last for varying periods of time, anywhere from an hour up to a few weeks afterwards, but it is only temporary and will eventually pass. It is important that you learn to recognise subdrop, because once you understand that you are feeling the effects of it, you can begin to address it and simply knowing why you are feeling that way will also help, especially when it comes to your emotions and feelings. Try to communicate, interact and stay in contact with your Dom or others, who can help you cope with your emotions and how you are feeling, by offering you support and talking you through it. Following the other advice I have included below will also help you recover from the effects of subdrop.

For the all the Doms, Dommes, Masters and Mistresses out there, this is just as crucial for You, as it is for Your sub. Subdrop is very real and not some myth, so aftercare and helping Your sub deal with the effects of it should be just as important as what You might do during a scene, especially as You are essentially responsible for Your sub feeling the effects of it and caring for Your sub is part of the responsibility that comes with being a Dominant. Aftercare should not be neglected and staying in contact with Your sub, offering them reassurance, validation and support will help during this vulnerable time and they should not have to go through this alone. Although some subs do prefer time to themselves, You should at least offer and ask what You can do to help, as everyone is different and their needs will vary.

If You do neglect aftercare and ignore subdrop, then the effects can begin to outweigh the benefits and enjoyment that Your sub may feel during a scene with You, which can cause problems for Your relationship with them and even end it. It is also worth pointing out that Dominants and switches can also feel a form of ‘drop’ after a scene, which I won’t address, but You can read more about it in the links I have provided at the end of this article.

So What Is Aftercare?

Aftercare is the name given to the process of being there with a partner for a sufficient amount of time, so they can feel safe, regain their emotional equilibrium and recover from the effects of a scene. It is equally important to recognise that aftercare is for both the Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive. If either person leaves too soon, then their partner may feel abandoned or a loss far exceeding the pleasure they might have felt during the scene.

Aftercare can include practical things such as making sure a sub is physically taken care of, treating any injuries, keeping them warm, allowing them to rest and making sure they have enough to eat or drink. Aftercare should also include attending to the emotional needs of a sub by offering them support, reassurance and validation. This can include showing them affection by cuddling or holding them, even gentle and loving sex, as well as asking how they are feeling, talking through the scene with them and their experience, answering any questions they might have and giving them a lot of positive reinforcement, such as saying how proud You are of them. This can continue after you have parted ways and for several days afterwards, by staying in contact and checking on their recovery.

Although like subdrop, everyone has a different experience and needs when it comes to aftercare, some for instance may want to be left alone to process this on their own and there is no right or wrong way, it simply involves doing whatever is necessary to help them recover.

How To Cope With Subdrop

A few ways you can help your body recover and deal with the effects of subdrop include:
ACE which stands for aftercare, contact with your Dominant and expression of positive reinforcement by the Dominant.

Drink plenty of water or a sports drink like gatorade, which help replace fluids, salts and potassium in the body that you have lost during a scene.

Eat foods to replenish the nutrients in your body, while you might crave comfort foods and sugary treats, which will not only replace the sugar and energy you have lost, but obviously give you some sense of comfort, the effects will be only temporary and will only leave you craving more, which is not ideal. Instead try to eat whole grain bread, meat, cheese and vegetables, while avoiding any foods that are white in colour, although milk is also very helpful.

Take some vitamins, especially the B-complex group that include folic acid, vitamin B6 and B12.
Be active and interact with others, even if you do not feel like doing so, as subdrop often leaves a sub feeling ashamed, depressed, isolated, confused and alone, so being by yourself and trying to cope on your own will only make those feelings worse. Even spending time with your pet can be helpful. Most importantly stay in contact with your Dominant and try to talk to them about how you are feeling, so They can help you cope.

Exercise will help release more endorphins, lessening the effects of subdrop, which is partly caused by the release of endorphins during a scene and the subsequent ‘come down’ that occurs afterwards.
Try keeping yourself occupied, with a hobby or other activity which will allow you to clear your head or express your feelings.

Aroma therapy, warm baths, meditation and listening to soothing music is also helpful.

Try to stay warm.

Treat and care for any injuries you might have sustained during the scene, such as scratches, bites, welts or sore bottoms. I am not a doctor and I could not possibly hope to cover every potential scenario in this article, but generally applying basic first aid techniques and vitamin E cream will help your skin recover more quickly.

Rest and get plenty of sleep.

Try to get yourself ready before a scene, by getting plenty of sleep, trying to stay focused and preparing yourself for the experience.

I’m aware, too, that DOMs can experience similar feelings. Communication and being observant are key for both.

Self Respect And The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Damn

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somekinkyintrovert:

Too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, too scrawny, too muscular, too femme, too masculine, too enthusiastic, too emotional….. you’re almost always going to be too something for somebody. Just live your life and be who makes you happy.

This message brought to you by self respect and the subtle art of not giving a damn.

What Is Slavery, And What Is It Not…

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sirmastermark:

slavery is NOT about suffering . .  . .

slavery is about service.

 slavery is NOT about humiliation . .  . .

slavery is about humility.

 slavery is NOT about pain . .  . .

slavery is about being present.

 slavery is NOT about being used . .  . .

slavery is about being of use.  

slavery is NOT about control . .  . .

slavery is about letting go.  

slavery is NOT about what is done to you . .  . .

slavery is about what you do for others.  

slavery is NOT about abuse . .  . .

slavery is about acceptance.  

slavery is NOT about proving anything . .  . .

slavery is about being real.  

slavery is NOT about contempt . .  . .

slavery is about respect.

 slavery is NOT about how you look . .  . .

slavery is about how much you care.  

slavery is NOT about denying yourself . .  . .

slavery is about being open.

slavery is NOT about bondage . .  . .

slavery is about freeing your spirit.  

slavery is NOT about punishment . .  . .

slavery is about discipline.

 slavery is NOT about being unable to escape . .  . .

slavery is about being committed.  

slavery is NOT about submission . .  . .

slavery is about obedience.

 slavery is NOT about fear . .  . .

slavery is about trust.  

slavery is NOT about sex . .  . .

slavery is about love.

 slavery is NOT about pleasure . .  . .

slavery is about happiness

☛ THESE ARE WORDS OF WISDOM. (listen to them)

And once you remove your internet porn inspired fantasies and expectations, you can embrace & live a meaningful and rewarding submissive LIFE. 👉🏿❤️🔐  

Demanding Self-Proclaimers

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this sub handled this with maturity, emotional intelligence, and self-respect. he clearly understands the difference between fantasy and reality.

subs: however you choose to identify, remember that submission is part of your power. care for it with pride; it is yours to give and yours to take away. give it when someone has inspired it, earned it, and has shown they care about your development.

there are many demanding self-proclaimers out there selling fantasy as reality. don’t buy it.

kinkythingsilike:

Wow. This is a sub any decent dom would be proud to call his. He managed to be respectful when it wasn’t deserved, stand up for himself, and know his own worth. Kudos to him.

A power exchange relationship, be it Master/slave, Daddy/boy, etc, is a symbiotic partnership. As a dom, you can only take what the sub is willing to give. It’s your job to make him trust you enough to give more and more of himself to you. I haven’t always been the best at that, but I’ve learned over the years that it’s the fundamental truth behind any kind of power exchange, whether it’s for a scene or for a live-in 24/7 relationship.

I’d count myself incredibly lucky to have a boy like the sub in these messages. It’s a shame the dom was too stupid to know what he was talking to.

betabreeder:

I only became aware of this when my own boy started hopping onto Scruff to look for others to play with. I was surprised how often they popped out of the woodwork. Fortunately, my boy knows how to use his block button when it’s warranted.

Know your worth boys, don’t go for guys like this. And other Sirs? I’m watching. You can and should do better than this. Our power as Sirs comes in enticing a submissive to submit. Anything else is illegal.

Fantasy vs. Reality

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Anonymous asked : I love your blog but I especially advocate treating your subs right. A lot of D/s blogs on tumblr are too heavy on the fantasy and its sad to see people think that's how it should be.

Unknown author:

I couldn’t agree more. Boys and subs should be cared for and cherished. There is a person inside that submissive, who has real feelings and value. They have their good days and their bad days. Their own hopes and dreams. If you nurture them, be there for them, teach them right, and give them time, they will blossom into the most wonderful submissive who will do anything for you.

One of the lessons I try to teach boys is, being a lifestyle boy is nothing like any fantasy you have imagined or porn you have watched. Being in a real dom/sub relationship is so much better!

Best Way To Negotiate Limits?

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What is the best way to negotiate limits before starting a scene with a new dom? My inexperience makes me nervous about getting in over my head…

fistfuckgaygr:

I think it can be very helpful for all inexperienced boys to take heed of such a question. I have noted time and time again how important communication is in a domination and submission interaction. Have you ever seen those statements on Recon or Grindr where they say plan to meet up in so many (e.g. 4) messages? That is just crap. If you see those, run away! You need to establish some sort of trust through the exchange of conversation. It gives you the opportunity to feel someone out and they can learn more about you.

I find it interesting how you use the phrase “negotiate limits.” Limits are typically non-negotiable. Meaning you tell the other party these are not going to happen during a session. For example, I, as a Dom, have limits. Things I will do not with boys, and I am not willing change my mind on them (e.g. unsafe sex).

So here are some general steps.

Step One: Have a conversation with yourself. You need to think about what are things you are not willing to do, somewhat willing to do, and absolutely willing to do. When you are new, the number of things you are not willing to do is going to be a long list.

I would recommend that you also flip the limits list into an interest list. In other words, “these are things I want to try.”

Step Two: Build a rapport with the Dom. Before you even talk about limits, you need to build some sort of connection with the Dom. You are building up to the fun.

Step Three: Pre-session rule.If you interaction is based on online connections (Recon, Grindr, A4A, or even Tumblr), you must convey your limits through that online medium. Do not show up at someone’s place and intend to convey limits. You are likely to forget something. Or maybe the session just gets started quickly because you are both very attracted to each other.

Step Four: It can be hard to bring it up. I understand that. A good Dom should always ask what your limits are. If he does not, you can ask him what he intends to do during a session. Just so you know it is normal, I do not typically share with a boy exactly what will happen. I will lay out general things that will happen, but I will not say step by step. It takes the fun out of a session if you know exactly what is coming and when. After he gives you a basic idea you can respond that you are not really comfort with it x, y, or z.

You can also bluntly say, ‘I am new, but these are limits right now…” You can mention that you are interested in exploring new things, but you will need him to talk you through them and you reserve the right to veto that activity.

I would encourage you to be open to new things. You never know if you will like if you don’t try.

Step Five: If the Dom responds that he is in control and he will decide what your limits are. End your conversation with him. He is clearly ill-equipped to work a new sub. New subs require a lot of patience and time.

Step Six: Early in your activities if you are still quite nervous, I would recommend that you and the Dom employ the use of a safe word. I use Red and Yellow. Even though I generally hate safe words, because if I boy has to use one, it means I have failed him. Red means stop everything, the session is over. Yellow means I need a moment this is a little intense. You can also come up with some signal if you are gagged.

Step Seven: Remember to have fun. Submission is suppose to be fun after all. It is suppose to be something you enjoy.

Red and Yellow are, in my experience, universal safe/slow words. I tell boys to use “red” if they need things to end. That ends whatever activity we’re doing and any aftercare as appropriate happens next so I can check in with him and make sure he’s okay. I tell them to use “yellow” if they’re okay with what’s going on, it’s just too intense. It’s a cue to me to dial it back a bit so he can catch his breath and get back into the right headspace. For example, sometimes a whip stroke can land in the wrong place, snapping (no pun intended) him out of that wonderful blissed out happy place. “Yellow” in that instance serves as a reset button.

After you’ve had some experience with the same people, you learn how their body responds and can get a better read on where their head is, and “red” and “yellow” aren’t used as often, if at all. For me, getting to that place is the goal. When you’re finally able to get inside his head is when it gets really fun. :D

But to answer OP’s original question, the best way to establish limits is to talk beforehand. As a dom, I don’t play with anyone until we’ve clearly outlined the following:

1. Any hard limits: these are things that are not negotiable. Both my hard limits and his.

2. Any health issues: things I need to know about to potentially work around to make sure the boy isn’t injured (mentally or physically) inadvertently. Sports injuries, whether he might have asthma, any abuse issues, etc. An example: Face-slapping is a hard limit for a lot of people because of childhood abuse.

3. Whether sex is going to be part of the scene, and if so, how protection is going to be used.

4. What things the boy is particularly eager to try or have done to him. This gives me an idea of where to start planning. Like temptingdominance, I don’t like planning out and discussing every little bit of the scene; surprise and suspense are major elements of sub headspace and are fun to play with.

One thing I’ve found to work is an idea I came up with after seeing how a college professor of mine structured his exams (no, I’m not making this up.) We’d be given a list of 15 topics that could possibly be on the exam. He’d put a random 7 or 8 of them on the exam. We then had to pick 3 or 4 to write about.

So, with a new boy, I go over what I have at my disposal to use in a scene (restraints, floggers, dildos, tools for inflicting pain, etc.) and tell the boy to pick somewhere between 5 and 7 things for me to do. I pick 3 or 4 of them to integrate into the scene and do so at my discretion.

I don’t tell him what’s going to be used or when. This way I’m working within the bounds of what I know he’s comfortable with (or at least willing to try), but I can “wing it” and let the scene unfold itself.

After you get some experience under your belt and find a regular play partner, you can start on things that might be “soft limits.” Things you’re potentially willing to try, but have reservations about. When I was subbing regularly, there were things I would normally consider a hard limit, but would consider doing under the right circumstances because it was an act of submission.

What drew me to that particular activity wasn’t the activity itself, it was the good feeling I got from doing something uncomfortable or unpalatable specifically to please someone else. I found that things that are hard limits when you begin eventually become soft limits, and can even turn into things you enjoy. I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy footplay as a top, but leatherbondagelove introduced me to that and now it’s one of my favorite things.

But I wouldn’t suggest trying to push your limits when first starting out. In the beginning, start small. Work slowly into more challenging things to learn where any limits you might not know about are. Having a dom who is willing to help you explore these things safely and at your own pace is essential. Submission is a gift to be treasured, not an obligation or expectation.

Like temptingdominance said, new subs require patience and time. As a dom, I tend to think it’s worth the patience and time to help a sub explore that side of himself. I’ve been a sub myself, I know how amazing that happy subby headspace can be when you’ve got the right guy to take you there. Being able to give that to someone else is a pretty awesome experience.

service2smmbybj:

communication is always the key, whether you are starting a True Power Exchange or have been in one for many years.

one of the dilemmas for new subs is getting around this issue of asshole “doms” spreading the message that the sub has no say in how things are done. that is outright bullying and should never be tolerated.

a sub/boy always has the Power to negotiate things. once those negotiations are finished, limits set, and trust is earned, it gives the sub the freedom to relinquish his Power to his MASTER and then the MASTER can do as HE desires within the confines of the limits that have been set. of course, your MASTER can, and most often will, push those limits only to help you grow as a sub and explore things you never thought you may enjoy.

Limits can be re-negotiated at any time, but only you as a sub have the Power to change those limits as you become more comfortable with yourself and who you are as a sub.

one good way that many MASTERs have of negotiating limits, is they have potential subs/boys fill out an application in which all activities are listed and the boy can rank them as far as interest, experience, or set strict hard limits on. this allows the MASTER to know what currently makes the boy tick and gives HIM an idea of areas to explore without having to ask every time service occurs. it is also a good starting point to break the ice and open up verbal discussions, either at the beginning or throughout the hours, days, years of service.

There is No Shame in Using a Safeword

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Castrokinky:

I typically don’t need safe words with my boys as I’m very good at reading their contractions from things and adjusting. I check in a lot as well. But I usually have one established just in case.

My hard stop safe word was used for the third time in my life last week. I thought I’d use this as an opportunity to discuss how I reacted as an illustration for others.

In this situation, the boy was tied in a fairly stressful position. We’d been playing for a while and when I decided to fuck him, I went in too forcefully and it hurt him in a not-good way. He screamed and used our safe word.

I immediately pulled out carefully, telling him calmly it was ok and that I was right there with him. I continued talking to him as I untied him, starting with the most stressful ties first. Once he was untied, I pulled him to me and held him, reassuring him it was ok and that I was proud of him. I also thanked him for using the safe word when things didn’t work. It builds trust when I know a boy isn’t afraid to stop a scene if he needs to. After some time, he asked me to continue in a different position, which we did.

I often hear stories from boys who are abandoned or called names by a dom when they use their safe word. I hear from other boys they’re too afraid to use their safe word. My message: Don’t be. By all means, push yourself past what you thought you were capable of but if something really isn’t working, tell your dom or use that safe word. A good dom will thank you for it.

kinkythingsilike:

This is how it’s done. When a boy uses his safeword, he’s trusting you to take care of him. It’s the obligation a dom takes on when a boy gives himself for the dom’s pleasure and use. As I tell boys who are new to BDSM play, there has to be mutual trust for a safeword to work: They have to trust me to respect it, and I have to trust them to use it when they need to. I’d a million times rather cut a scene short than have it go too far.

Not to contradict @castrokinky, who is amazing at what he does, but I try to avoid telling the boy that “it’s okay.” Because for him, in that moment, it’s *not* okay. It’s very much not okay. It’s a small distinction, but I try to tell him it will be okay and that I’m right there for him. When playing with sensory deprivation, the blindfold/gag/earplugs/etc. are always the first things to come off, even before the bondage. I make sure he can feel my body and my presence until I can get them off, by placing a hand on him or by holding him to me while I remove them. I try to use quick release snaps (can be gotten from a tack shop) for any kind of weight-bearing bondage, so that it’s easy to get him out in a hurry.

I cannot fathom how any dom could be so callous as to “punish” a boy for using his safeword. Someone literally trusting you with their life in order for you to use them for your own pleasure is one of the most precious gifts that’s out there. Respect it.

betabreeder:

For anyone reading this who might not understand the value of safewords and feel shame in using them? This is exactly why i feel there is NO shame in safe wording.

A Few Things That Will Make You A More Effective Dominant

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fistfuckgaygr:

1. Every rule you make, every command you give, should be for the betterment of your submissive, the betterment of your relationship, or the strengthening of the dynamic. Never make a rule just for the sake of making a rule. Never give a command for selfish reasons.

2. Discipline is important, but a good Dom also knows when to stay his hand. Sometimes being gentle and understanding is what she needs.

3. Never blame your submissive for something that is beyond their control. This goes hand-in-hand with number 2 up there. Your submissive wants to please you more than anything. So when something goes wrong that is beyond their control, they are already going to be panicking because they fear disappointing you. Don’t exacerbate this. Smile, make clear that you aren’t angry, and make clear that you understand that they were making an effort to please you, even if something got in the way.

4. Never make a rule without explaining why you made it. Ever. Your submissive needs to understand why you do the things you do so that they can see that it all comes from a place of love.

5. Never punish in anger. I do not give a flying fuck how disrespectful they were or how badly they screwed up. You keep your fucking hands to yourself and your mouth shut until you calm down. I can’t stress this one enough. An angry Dom is a Dom not in control of himself. Always approach corrections and punishments with a steady, measured voice and equally steady mind.

6. Never make your submissive feel bad for their hard limits. You respect those limits and make clear that those limits do not bother you in any way.

7. Positive reinforcement for the good things that your submissive does is far more effective than waiting till they are bad and punishing. Positively reinforce even the little things. Any tiny success, any accomplishment, any good behavior should be praised and rewarded. It not only shows your love, but it helps build good habits.

8. Know when not to be a Dom. Sometimes they don’t need you to be particularly Domly. Sometimes they don’t need you to be particularly commanding or strict. I am always belovedsangi’s Master. The dynamic is present 24/7, both in the bedroom and out. But you know what we spend most of our time doing? Goofing around, making each other laugh, and playing video games together. And yes, sometimes the situation can go from silly as hell to “yes, Master” in a split second, but the point remains that you don’t always need to act overly dominant. Know when it’s needed and when it’s not. Finding that balance is key to this type of relationship.

9. It’s fine to be territorial, but don’t be insecure. You need to understand the difference. Territorial for the sake of protecting her is not an issue. But freaking out if she so much as says hello to someone is a huge problem. It makes you look weak and afraid. Sangi will tell you that I am very protective. Like, VERY protective. And she likes that. But I always want her to have friends, both male and female. Isolating her would just make her feel bad and that is the opposite of what I want.

10. Love your submissive for who they are, NOT who you want them to be or wish they were. Love their scars, both mental and physical. Love their eccentricities, their dreams, their silly flights of fancy. Love their hopes and their fears, love their worst moments as much as you do their best. Love their fears, love their guilty pleasures. Love every extra pound and every flaw. The supreme beauty of a D/S relationship done right is that both partners get to be exactly who they truly are around one another. Even the parts that they hide from the world are brought out in all their glory for their partner to love. If this feels like the most honest relationship you’ve ever been in, you’re doing it right.

11. Be fucking PROUD of them. Did you know Sangi recently graduated with high honors? I tell every single person I meet, because it makes me proud as hell of her. Make sure they know how proud you really are.

12. Never stop paying attention. Like, ever. This person needs to be your number one priority, because you damn sure are theirs. Don’t ever accept being your submissive’s number one without making your sub your number one.

13. Your submissive is your equal. Never, ever lose sight of that. Your sub may call you Master or Daddy or Sir or any number of other titles. There may be times when they are begging you to cum while chained to your bed. But your submissive is never beneath you. Ever. They are your equal partner in all things.

14. Never forget the power your submissive has over you. The submissive controls the relationship by choosing to submit. They always control it by continuing to choose to submit. They can choose not to submit at any time, and at that point your illusion of control will vanish quickly. So understand you only have what power your submissive grants you, which means you need to always prove yourself worthy of that power. Every single day.

15. Honor your submissive. Your submissive is giving of themselves for your pleasure. Never lose sight of that. Never lose sight of the extreme amount of discipline and strength it takes to fully submit your body and mind to someone. Your submissive is probably the strongest person you know.

16. Understand that rules and protocols can and should change over time. If a particular rule is no longer needed, get rid of it. If something is not serving its intended purpose, modify it. Always ask for your submissive’s input in these decisions.

17. You can, and you will, make mistakes. Owning up to them is crucial. Learning from them is even more so. A true dominant knows when they are wrong and isn’t afraid to admit it.

18. Remember your purpose. It isn’t “to get your way”. It isn’t command and control. Your ultimate purpose is to calm your submissive’s mind. Your ultimate purpose is to help them feel purpose and direction. That is your role. That role can take many forms, but that role never changes.

What Do You Consider To Be Basic Submissive Duties?

fistfuckgaygr:

1. Support them. No,I don’t mean financially OR physically. I mean emotionally and spiritually. Encourage them, and praise them. Have their back. Make sure they know that you’re in their corner and you will be there for them.

2. Openly communicate. Often. Even when we haven’t just finished up a scene or are about to scene, LMS and I talk about our relationship. We are very honest, especially if there’s something bothering us. We try not to let things wait and fester because that’s devastating to a relationship. He trusts and counts on my honesty. And I on his.

3. Know yourself. You have limitations. Don’t ignore them. There is no prize for pushing yourself too far for the sake of a Dom (mes) pleasure. It makes you untrustworthy and dangerous. The last thing they want is to hurt us. So if you think about it, the most subby thing you can do is to let them be aware of those limits and trusting them to respect those limits.

4. Don’t be disrespectful. I’m not talking about the bratiness that some Dom (mes) enjoy. I’m talking about genuine disrespect. Bashing your partner to other people, bashing other people just for fun, being rude in general. Just don’t be a dick is what I’m getting at.

5. Understand that your Dom (me) is human. They will make mistakes. The world will not end, I promise. Understand and talk it out. They will need breaks from being in D-mode. Let them and don’t fault them for it.

6. Take care of them if they’ll let you. LMS is SO hard to take care of because he fights against it. I have to sit and explain that I’d like to take care of him and do x, y, and z. And then he’ll usually only let me if he’s sick or in pain.

7. Trust them. Pretty self-explanatory.

The Leash Is Symbolic

sirmastermark:

The Leash Is Symbolic

But the real power is in the boy’s authentic submission, not by force, but given freely.

Some Masters think their power derives from degrading and forcing the sub into submission.

Other Masters like MYSELF, believe that power is to be given freely by the sub, and then accepted by the Master.

Once the sub submits consensually, the Master will take what he needs, when he needs, and how he needs it, as HIS property has become established.

The leash is symbolic, as is the collar, a chastity device as well as the butt plugs the boy must insert during the day… they are all important and powerful, but they are symbols of ownership, not the ownership itself.

Helpful for subs and DOMS to realize the nuance and embrace their wiring fully and honestly.

SIR MASTER MARK 🇨🇦

🎀 Submissive rules 🎀 for Bratty Subs

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kittenwithsprinkles:

1. I will not hum the theme from jeopardy while Sir decides which implement to spank me with.

2. I will not annotate Sir’s “to do” list.

3. I will not applaud when Sir uses big words.

4. Sir’s cat does NOT stink.

5. Sir does NOT hog the bed.

6.I will not refer to Sir’s kitty as “snake food”

7.I will not perform a ventriloquist act with Sir’s penis

8. Sir’s chair is not to be used to pile my clutter.

9. I will keep my leopard print sheets laundered so Sir is not subjected to “those flowery things”

10. I will not yawn waiting for Sir to climax.

11. I will not chew my collar.

12. I will not giggle during paddlings.

13. I will not propose letter grades when Sir belches

14. I will not snarl when Sir ask to share my chocolate.

15. I will not tell Sir he has permission to Fuck me.

16. I will not say “good boy” to Sir

17. I will not make shadow puppets in the candlelight while Sir is tying me up.

18. I will not critique how Sir ties me up.

19. I will not go out of state when borrowing Sir’s car during lunch.

20. When Sir is kind enough to bring me tea I will not call him “the tea fairy”

21. I will not change the settings on Sir’s alarm clock.

22. It is unlikely that Sir pushed all the covers onto my side of the bed so he could shiver all night.

23. I will not accuse Sir of being gay when he arranges the house in “artisticly pleasing ways”

24.I am always the spankee, I am never the spanker.

25.I will keep my fingertips off Sir’s computer screen.

26. I will not eat Sir’s leftovers without permission.

27. When asked how many spanks my behavior warrants I will not answer using fractions.

28. On second thought I WILL applaud when Sir uses big words…(this overrides rule number 3.)

29. Hooting and whistling, however is excessive.

30. I will be spanked for leaving the caps off Sir’s pens.

31. If it becomes obvious I am deliberately leaving the caps off Sir’s pens I will NOT be spanked. Even if I beg.

32. A warm Sir is a happy Sir.

33. I will not hoot with laughter when Sir accidently wacks himself in the back with the flogger.

Being a Submissive Has Never Been About Being Powerless

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bredbeta:

A great and powerful truth. D/s relationships are, at their most fundamental level, about the exchange of power; the passing of power from a submissive party to a Dominant party. This is key for the submissive to understand as it underscores the fact that the submissive is not without power.

If you entered the Hierarchy without power there would be no power to exchange; nothing to lay upon the altar of His majesty in tribute. Own your power and the fact that you willingly, consciously, and gladly cede it to Men that you acknowledge are Worthy and meant to wield it on your behalf to the benefit of Y/you both.

Distance and Closeness

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leatherdog:

From experience, Ron knows that the relationship with a slaveboy must be built from the right mix of distance and closeness.

The distance is represented by strict rules, layers of rubber and leather, determining orders, prolonged bondage and sensory deprivation.

Closeness is also very important and is represented by presence of the Master and occasional benefits, such as touch, pats and easy to hug. A loving togetherness is not a contradiction to the supposedly hard setup of a master-slave relationship.

The strict discipline, the rules, the observance of the rules and the consistent penalties for non-compliance do not serve to harm the slaveboy, but to help him to live what he is destined for. Ron knows that very well. So, he took his slave close to him, took him firmly in his arms and held his head tight.

That’s the moment a slave always desires. Tied up, unable to escape, protected and secure in the care of his master.

Understanding the Controlling Power of Master/slave intimacy

mastersbdsmstash:

Over time, a committed Master/slave relationship, as with any enduring relationship, develops an intimacy whereby each partner can intuit the other’s needs, thoughts, desires and moods at any given moment.

In a Master/slave relationship, this intimacy develops in specific ways. The slave learns the Master’s wants through explicit instruction. The Master orders, and the slave obeys. The Master teaches how He wants things done, and the slave learns and develops the skills through constant servitude. The lessons will be painful at times, but that’s part of his training process.

On the other hand, the Master learns what the slave responds to through observation. The Master does what he wants to the slave, and observes the slave’s reactions. In this way, the Master gains even more control over the slave, able to turn him into a sobbing mess simply by, for example, twisting especially sensitive nipples, or melting the slave into utter, horny subservience by grabbing him firmly by the back of his neck or putting a finger in his mouth. Understanding the controlling power of Master/slave intimacy is one of the most satisfying aspects of the relationship.

Papa Tony:

I have often said that Kink/Leather/Fetish, Done Right, is Just Extreme Intimacy."

The Need To Submit

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submissive4dominant:

i had a back and forth message conversation with a young sub over the weekend who was struggling to accept his desires. i recognised a lot of what i went through for a while. The questions: Why do i get off from serving, have extreme fantasies about being humiliated and tortured, why do i have this overwhelming need to be ‘owned, am i damaged in some way, will i ever find happiness?’.

In my own past, i did the reading, the psychological theories, i even had some therapy for a while. Every time they tried to jump on the idea of some form of abuse at an early age and that it all came from low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity or abandonment. Now, maybe that is true for some but it wasn’t for me and it didn’t seem to be for the sub i was talking to. i had an incredibly average childhood, supportive parents, not a lot of money so few luxuries but basically your average working class/blue collar family.

i’ve written before that the need to submit was there from an early age, before i was aware of sexuality even. And yes it’s a bit of a cliche but i was attracted to the rough older boys, was drawn to them like a moth to a flame, if they wanted to bully a kid, i was happy for them to do it to me. That was when i started jerking off, thinking about them and i went to them willingly. i was a popular kid, had loads of friends, was pretty good at my school work…again average.

i believe that being submissive is as much part of my wiring as being gay. it’s part of me. i’m no scientist but now we know about the gay gene, i wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a submissive gene, a dominant gene. But the main thing i wanted to say, and how i left it with the sub, was that at the end of the day, does it really matter where it comes from if you accept it and enjoy it?

Finding other subs and Doms to talk to was the key. Yes we are different, some subs want to be humiliated, some don’t, some Doms want complete control others are more flexible etc. What we get from spaces like tumblr is the knowledge that we are not alone…however twisted your fantasies. On here it seems you always find someone who’s fantasies are darker! But nothing beats one to one contact and i directed the sub to various leather/BDSM groups where he could meet others.

Once i was able to embrace my submissiveness, enjoy it, value it, whether it was the dark twisted non-consensual fantasies or the intimacy and dedication of real servitude/TPE, then i found peace and contentment. Don’t spend hours, days, weeks, years agonising about why am i like this, just get on with it and be proud of what you are able to offer. Trying to change who we are is the quickest route to lack of fulfillment and unhappiness.

i chose the pic above because the sub seems to have found that place of bliss and contentment in his servitude, happy to feel in his rightful place,

What It Means When I Swat Your Ass

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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(From an anonymous deactivated blog whose username has since been adopted by a completely unrelated blog. Too good to let vanish)

You’re mine.
Behave.
I love you.
Look, everyone, this belongs to me.
Later, I’m going to do this much harder.

This part, right here, belongs to me. So does the rest.
I’m in charge.
It’s okay.
Don’t worry, I’m here.
Careful.

torontopup:

It’s definitely a form of intimacy.

Training a Submissive to Cum on Command

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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hirsutehindquarters said: Do you have any audio recordings for training subs to cum on command?

Papa Tony:

Nope - Generally, I have to be in a particular mode of thinking before I remember to reach for the audio recording device. If I am pigging out in pleasure, then the thought never occurs to me!

I am assuming that you have read this article, before asking. As one clever follower says, I am giving an excellent example of Operant Conditioning. I suggest further study on the topic.

In my own case, I never use negative training. Positive reinforcement works very well for me.

Sex and the Independent Slave

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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imiklwhite:

We have talked about how slaves need to be independent even if they are in a committed relationship. Today we look at when they are out there in that snake pit called the dating pool!

It does not take long on any BDSM Master/slave chat site to find someone complaining about potential slaves. They are all begging for help. Many profiles and advertisements contain long lists of “needs” and “wants” and limitations of all kinds. It would appear they are only concerned with themselves.

By the same token, all the potential slaves are complaining that there is a shortage of Masters. Well yes, there are more bottoms than Tops and there are more slaves than Masters. This is not to imply that all Masters are Tops! That is NOT a requirement for Mastership. It just seems like whatever type you are looking for is going to be in a minority whenever you are looking. Neither does it take into account all of the various genders out there.

Please note, slave speaks of male Masters because my Master Indy is very male. Slave does have trouble keeping up with all of the various combinations available today. This limitation is on the part of slave. It does not imply or intend disrespect to any! So please, slave respectfully asks you to translate.

Here is yet another example of how important being independent is for the slave. Everyone has had troubles or problems in the past. You just don’t have to LEAD with them! The old saying that you can travel further with less baggage is so true. Leave the baggage at home.

Some misguided potential slaves think that if they appear vulnerable and needy, then Master’s will be attracted to them. Forget it. That kind of charity happens at the office not in a leather bar. Ever hear “There is no such thing as “mercy sex”?

Lets just think of it this way: which is more attractive to a Master? Someone who is weak and begging. Or some one who is self assured and in control of themselves? Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to a Master to have someone like that be willing, on his own, to agree to submit and be subservient? A strong man who bows his head and is willing to serve is more of an ego boast for a Master. A challenge that is won is more satisfying to achieve than a “freebee”.

Please: all potential slaves out there NOTE: the less you need something, the more likely you are to find it. This is NOT easy stuff here. Slave knows full well how empty a life was when I was not owned. How there was no reason to get out of bed in the morning when I had no one to serve. Slave understands that hollowness of having no Master.

However, no one told you the life was easy. No one guarantees that you will find happiness, or even fairness. Something as wonderful as having a Master to serve takes a bunch of hard work. Yes, a good Master will work you hard for you to become the best you possible. Still to get that wonderful thing, you have to work.

Never look like you need a job on an interview and never look like you will die if you don’t have a Master taking care of you.

Remember, you are there for His pleasure. Your please will come from pleasing Him. Deep inside you already know how much you want to nurture, to care for, to serve. Slave is only pointing out that you will feast as long as you don’t look hungry.

To be a true slave, you must first Master yourself. Become that independent person. A head bows best if it is accustomed to being held up high! Present what you have to offer. Lead with how you are different from all of the twink sycophants out there. Show what you have, not what you have not!

Let slave admit to you, in writing this, I told Master that it is perhaps the

hardest of anything I have had to face and to write. The very thought of having to say a “Good bye” to My Master. Or to face not being owned by Him anymore, petrifies me.

At times, I’m in a gale force wind and Master tells me: “You will be OK, learn to bend with the wind.” Yet I am petrified of letting go. Master always has me face my greatest fears. Slave is strongest when he has trust. Real trust, not some phony word play trust. Life and death type trust.

Slave has that in His Master. I am always at my strongest with that trust.

If the wind lifts me off of my feet, I shall learn to fly.

However today you don’t have to learn to fly. You don’t have to face saying a “Good Bye” to the most important person in your life. No, you just have to want to be independent. Then as an independent slave, the sex will come.

Being a Slave-Owning Master Who Is Sadistic, and Sweet

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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nachtsoul said: Definitions of terms in BDSM appear to vary widely. I am curious as to where you define ‘slave’ and what inner change in you made you go from non-owning to owning… and just what owning means to you. I have two boys of my own and a prospective third. In thinking on our relationships and their evolution, it leads me to curiosity about what it would mean to evolve Sir/boy to Master/slave, not that I think any of them is of a mind to go there. But I wonder anyway.

Papa Tony:

I am in no mood to make apocalyptic, all-encompassing and definitive declarations about what is right and proper. I make no pretense of being anything but what I am.

By being metaphorically naked before everyone (you see that I don’t hide very much), my goal is to be a role-model for others in similar circumstances.

Like you, good brother.

I Was Trained By My First Slave

You heard that right - slaves teach Masters. His needs made him request more from me, rather than just being my boy. I was wary of taking him on in that way. I was ignorant, but he asked so sweetly.

I found that I LIKED what the slave proposed. We started a process of making new agreements that continues to this day.

I will refer only to my first slave in the remainder of this article. I will brag about the OTHER slave in future writings.

The Slave Wanted Chastity

He already owned three cock-cages. I had had no experience with this.

Or, so I thought.

As it happily turned out, I have been into orgasm-control for my entire adult life. In my youth forty years ago, I used to delight in attending huge, blue-ribbon Championship-Round fuck-parties. I was famous for going from sling to sling, and FORCING ecstatic, full-body orgasms on anybody who wanted one. I used techniques that I have shared here and here.

I liked taking the choice of timing away from them. They liked to think that they knew what they were only possibly capable of? I would show them several steps beyond what they could imagine. It’s my ferociously-kinky desire to blow the top of their head off with pleasure.

I have had dozens of men chastise me over the years, saying “After you, I haven’t found anybody nearly as good, damn it!” That’s why I happily reveal what I know. I want everybody else to succeed.

Yes, I am bragging, but then…. It’s not bragging if it’s true.

In any case, I took to chastity-play with natural enthusiasm. It really rocks my boat! We are “cumming-up” on our ninth anniversary together. He hasn’t had an unauthorized orgasm in most of those years, and he doesn’t want another one, for the rest of his life. He now cums hands-free, nearly every time.

Nowadays, I like to make it harder and harder for him to cum. Countdown timers are nice - If he doesn’t cum by the time the timer goes off, then he’s back on chastity for another week.

Then, when he succeeds, I make the time SHORTER, next time. Very sadistic. I never promised the slave that his training would be easy.
The Slave Wants To Be Fully-Owned

We do not live together. He has a long-time, vanilla husband, as do I. So, the lovely 24/7 live-in submissive slave thing is a great fantasy, hut not practical for us.

So, we see each other a minimum of once a week, but usually several times a week. This is a good description of what usually ensues. Show it to your subs - It may appeal to them on some levels.

He has told me hundreds of times that I own every part of his body, his soul, and his orgasms. They all belong to me. I take that responsibility very seriously and pleasurably.

What I DON’T mention enough in that article is the service aspect. I have taken many joyous, gloating photos of the slave cleaning my home, while naked, collared, butt-plugged and cock-caged.

He also opens doors for me, bathes me (and washes carefully between my toes, (to head off athlete’s foot). He takes care of my leathers. He gives sensational foot-rubs.

The slave shaves my head and face, and makes all travel itinerary plans. He handles details that I might otherwise miss. He happily covers every aspect of serving my rather unique needs.

I am a Master who lives in a nearly-constant state of exalted deep thought (I call it “Big Brain Mode”). It can be exhausting. I need the focused services of submissives in order to function well.

Yeah, the slave is taking care of ME, but after he has completed his tasks, I rock his WORLD. Every orgasm that I allow him is a 10 out of 10. No exceptions.

He Rejoices In My Kinky Pleasures

He is not even remotely a Pain Pig. In fact, he would be perfectly happy if he never had any pain for the rest of his life.

If he didn’t know me.

Instead, he grooves on the happy, happy noises I make when I have him strapped down and vulnerable. I throw my most extreme toys and techniques at him, and he is gratified, every time. After all of these years, I can still surprise and stimulate him. He gives me constant feedback with his words, his fantasies and his behavior, which helps me to up my game.

His pleasure comes from knowing that service to me includes satisfying my sadistic nature. I can allow the Beast within me to walk the streets, and still know that I am a good man, because he is so grateful afterward.

If I go for a long period of time without going all Neanderthal on him, he will start dropping heavy hints in order to fire-up the boilers. I do get stuck in my head sometimes.
He Like To Be An Object

Being hooded makes the slave VERY happy. He likes to hand all of his power away to his trusted Sir. This started out as my idea, and he just went bonkers with pleasure.

I loan him out to other Sirs for kinky play, in my presence. They eagerly ask for my permission to play with him, because he is maximally exciting and pleasurable. I’ve never met a sub who could do what he does, in terms of pure, stimulating feedback.

Any Sir who plays with him turns into a flame-snorting lustmonster, and who makes a beeline for us at every play-event, afterward. I have been doing this for years, and have never had reason to regret it. The Sirs who know us also know that I am vigilantly protective of my fully-owned property.

I do not loan him out for sex. That is reserved for the two of us, by mutual agreement.
Here Is A Good Story, To Illustrate

I like to take the slave to international kinky events, like IML, Folsom Street Fair and the like.

I will hood and shackle him, and walk him through the crowd, guiding him with a hand on the back of the neck, and a few words: “Stop. Step up on the curb.” I like to eventually “park” him in a public place. I jam three fingertips into his chest, which is our mutually-understood protocol meaning “Stay Here.”

Then, I walk away.

I am well-known, so while I am standing thirty feet away in the crowd, dozens of folks will come up for a hug and a blessing. I will visit with them, and then say “Do me a favor - the slave is over there - Use him as if he belonged to you.”

I can do this because I KNOW what will happen. The folks that I send over would never, ever disrespect me by abusing my property. They make a few mild gestures at teasing and torturing him, along with some dirty talk, and that’s it. This pleases and excites me, and the slave glories in his submission.

I Honor The Slave’s Deep Devotion

I am courteous with the slave. His desires DEFINE him, so I would never dismiss or ignore them. He is 100% present with me in his slavery, so I return the slave’s respect and devotion with my own, entirely-honest feedback. I use these phrases, and many others, but only if they are my truth.

The more that the slave submits, the more that I dominate. He gives me feedback, so that we grow together. His hunger to serve, please and sustain my needs are vitamins for my soul, so I never miss a chance to SAY so.

I assert that my natural kindness, courtesy and sweetness only add to my value as a Sir, a Dom, and a ferocious, slave-Owning Master.
Why Listen To Only One Viewpoint?

Let’s let the slave explain, in his own words. These recordings were made after a couple of intense play-scenes, while cuddling in bed during aftercare:

Audio Clip 1

Audio Clip 2

Memoirs of a Tribal Elder

Monday, December 31, 2018