Supporting Our Youth

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Good morning, being a woman and single parent I stumbled onto something that has left me out of my depth; my 14 year old son has discovered porn. That itself is perfectly fine, the fact he watches gay porn doesn’t bother me (kinda always knew). What does scare me as a parent is that his browser is full with gay D/s vids and beastiality.. How on earth do I handle this? Do I pretend I don’t know and let him “explore”? Do I bring it up, and if so, how? I’d appreciate any advice you have.

First of all, I am honored that you asked me.  Luckily, this is a topic that I know a lot about.  I have definite opinions, but you are welcome to pick and choose among them.

In my life as a very, VERY openly gay male, I have had similar questions brought to me, many times.  Parents have wanted to find a gay role-model for their struggling sons. In each case, these open-minded, caring parents wanted to know how to be supportive in the most effective way.

I have also raised multiple foster sons to full adulthood.  My specialty was gay teen males in crisis.  I will have to tell those stories sometime soon, but let’s focus upon your needs:

Come Out To Your Son

Don’t delay.  Delay serves no purpose.  Pick the most luxuriously, cuddly safe space that you have shared with your son.  A location where you would never, ever have any form of conflict.  Hold him close and snuggly, and start with affectionate affirmations.  Praise his many virtues.  That’s the best beginning.
Then, in clear, direct and simple terms, state what is up with you:

• I saw what you were browsing.  I’m not planning to make a habit of that, because I know that you could evade such efforts anyway.  You deserve your privacy as you step into manhood.
• I am long-since aware of, and okay with the gay stuff.  No biggie.  Let’s move forward together as a team.  You can count on me.  I am your Number One Ally, and always will be.
• The Internet is not reality.  It’s just where folks indulge their wildest fantasies.  Real life involves balance, courtship, and negotiating through interpersonal relationships.  

When talking to him, your perspective doesn’t have to be perfect - It just has to be authentically true.

Finding Support For The Both Of You

Not knowing where you live, I can only give generic tips:

- See if his school has a GSA - a Gay/Straight Alliance affinity-group.  Chances are very good these days, but it’s not guaranteed.  This is a very important form of support, when he is starting to learn about flirting and such.  Without a GSA, he might not start learning about courtship until AFTER he leaves high school, long after his schoolmates get that phase over with.

- Look for a local chapter of PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.  Finding others who share your concerns is key to keeping YOU strong and informed, and best able to support your son.

- Seek out local, stable gay-male couples as role-models for your son, and befriend them.  When I finally met long, LONG-term gay couples, it was a major breakthrough in my own life.  I suddenly started forming long-term goals for myself, after aimlessly fumbling around with my own relationships.  Now, at 28+ years of ecstatic joy with my husband, I know that I can give major credit to my role-models Clark and Joseph, who were together 52 years.

Those are the major points that occur to me at the moment.  You are welcome to keep reaching out, as time goes by.