Grieving, Part Two: Being Selfish For a While

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

I’d love to hear any advice you have. I just feel weird. I’ve done my grieving and have for the most part leveled out into acceptable ranges I guess. I just miss him. And I won’t get him back. But I can still get the kind of things he provided as a Sir, but it feels like a betrayal. You spend so long dedicating that aspect of your life to someone, it’s hard to turn around and want it from someone else.

I love very freely, and I have a few other people that I share a relationship of one type or another with. My main partner was just as shocked and affected by my Sir’s passing, because he knew the affection I had for him. Even though they were just friends. We just finished the actual funeral for him and scattered his ashes where he had requested. I am a pretty death positive person. I find talking about death very important and it definitely helped to accept what happened and process it.

But… I feel kind of stuck. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t really want another Sir right now. But I do want the things that a dom could give me. Like. Right now I want nothing more than to be tied up and teased for a while. Just so I can destress and work out everything. I think better when I am restrained, I find I can just let myself go, because I can’t get away or hurt anyone, myself included. But I wouldn’t want just anyone to do that… so. It feels like my ability to enjoy those things died with him and I don’t know what to do about that.

Papa Tony:

I understand, at least as well as I can from over here…

I honor your sense of honor and faithfulness. When you swore to have him as your only Sir, YOU GAVE YOUR WORD OF HONOR, which is where the conflict arises, as far as I can tell.

You appear to be like me: An Integrity Junkie. Once I give my word of honor, then you can take that to the BANK. My word is what represents me in the world, and if my word is no good, then I am not a good person.

There’s not a lot of FLEXIBILITY in that philosophy. In the early days of my career as an independent computer consultant, I was nearly incapable of letting go of difficult jobs that went sideways. I was obsessive, and it was holding me back.

I wanted to do a perfect, impeccable job. I still do, but I have had to grow up a bit more, so that I don’t take down the ship with my powerful force of will.

So, it needs to be said, young brother:

It’s time to be selfish, at least for a little while. It’s time to take care of YOU in a healthy way. I grew up in a household where the single WORST word in our family dictionary was “selfish.” When we were angry with each other, we’d sling that word around a lot. We were supposed to do good works in the world, selflessly.

It’s okay to put yourself at the TOP of the priority list, even if only briefly. For folks like you and me, we tend to live permanently at the bottom of our own priority-list. There are other folks out there who need our help!

Your Sir was playing with dynamite when he made you give your word to have HIM be your ONLY Sir, but he didn’t know it at the time. He might have thought that it was cute and sweet (I have no idea), but your innate sense of honor weaponized that exchange, and made it permanent.

The only person who can fix that is you.

It’s time for you to have a new conversation with your dearly departed Sir. It’s time to clear the air. Maybe not right now, but when you are ready. At the moment, your foot is nailed to the floor, and you’re going around around the same point, over and over.

Speaking as a coach, here is what I have had to do many times, when one of my relationship obsessions was tying me in knots…

• I’d get away from distractions. Away from Internet, phone, and other people. Ideally, out at a park with lots of privacy, sitting under a tree.

• I’d do some “Automatic Writing.” This is a delightful process of allowing any and all words to flow onto a paper notepad, without any preconceptions, or any editing. Don’t correct yourself. Just open yourself to the flow of words, even if they make no logical sense. Done properly, and with practice, it’s a direct pipeline to the subconscious. New concepts come bubbling up from underneath, surprising the conscious “you” with new information that you could not have predicted. Be open to that.

• Once I have warmed up with that exercise, then I focus my goals a bit more, and write down what I need to tell my loved one. ALL of it. All of my regrets, fears, disappointments, grief, pain, unfinished conversations and wishful thinking. Don’t try to make the words “pretty” with editing. Just let it flow outward. Think of the writing process as a “core dump” of everything that has not yet had a chance to be expressed. You’ve been emotionally constipated. Time to let GO.

• I keep going, writing until I run dry. Now is a very good time to cry.

• Then, I find a barbecue, or other safe place to burn something, like a fireplace. Bring some matches, and send the smoke of your heart’s words upward and outward. Give your pain to the universe, and be done, by making it a conscious gesture. It’s for your benefit, good man.

I MAY invite friends and witnesses and make it a small but meaningful ceremony. It’s not important to read to others what you have written, out loud. The point is to consciously use this opportunity to “un-stick” yourself, and do honor to your Sir by declaring that you will never, ever forget him, AND that you are now stepping into your next phase. Witnesses are great for these kinds of declarations.

You won’t ever forget him, and we both know that. Instead, you will lovingly hold him in your heart as you move through the phases of your life. You will find new love, and new Sirs, and succeed because you are a good and faithful boy. You’ve proven that.
October 16th, 2018 8:34pm