Good Daddies Versus Bad Daddies

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“I been told since I don’t know much irl about sex that I’m no good. Since I don’t know anything about sex irl there’s nothing he can do with me. I think maybe I should just quit the whole thing, I don’t fit in and nobody will want me so I should just be by myself”

dirtydaddythings

-insert loud slamming of brakes noise-

I don’t normally hop into conversations on tumblr unless I have something very important to say both to the poster AND to my followers. This came across my dashboard and I had to respond. The original post is gone now, but this needs to be said anyway.

If your “Daddy” makes you feel like this, that because of inexperience, age, or any other reason, that you are ‘less’ than good.. he’s a fuckwad. How do you respond? You tell him to get fucked and to do that fucking himself. A Daddy SHOULD NOT be making a boy feel like this, especially just after they start getting to know one another. There is no fucking excuse for this shit. None. This is NOT how a Daddy acts. It’s not even how a ‘pretender’ daddy acts. It’s how an abuser acts. “You aren’t good enough. You’re worthless”… … … Fuck you buddy. You’re the reason Daddies like me have to take YEARS to undo the shit you do just so a boy can really receive love again.

This kind of bullshit isn’t Dad/son, and it’s barely Dom/sub because there is zero after care, no mutual consent to ‘abusive’ play. This isn’t safe. It’s dangerous. The longer people like that have their claws in you the harder it is to escape and even then it can take a lifetime of support and caring environments to begin to recover from the kind of broken spirit a ‘person’ like that needs so he can feel powerful.

I am going to say this once and for all:

If your ”daddy” makes you feel like you are worthless: He isn’t a Daddy.

If he punishes you because you don’t know how to do something, makes you feel badly for your inexperience, and refuses to help teach you? He is no Daddy.

If you play rough and he never stops playing rough, then he isn’t playing. He’s abusing you.

Read this list. Daddy Says so. If you find yourself stopping to JUSTIFY their behavior, or trying to make excuses that lay the blame entirely on you.. then you need to get help and get out. Now.

Does He do these things ‘out of bounds’ based on your relationship guidelines (this is ONLY to allow for rough play couples who STILL have boundaries despite how their play seems to outsiders, The boy doesn’t REALLY feel abused, because they both have mutually consented to that kind of play):

-Regularly demeans or disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

-Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

-Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

-Tries to control you and treat you like a child.

-Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.

-You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

-Tries to control the finances and how you spend money.

-Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

-Tries to make you feel as though he/she is always right, and you are wrong.

-Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks that cause you to feel shame or embarrassment.

-Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

-Accuses you of things you know aren’t true.

-Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

-Intolerant of any seeming “lack of respect.”

-Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others, and has difficulty apologizing or taking responsibility.

-Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.

-Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

-Calls you names, unpleasant labels, or makes cutting remarks under their breath.

-Is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

-Resorts to pouting, the silent treatment or withdrawal to get what they want.

-Doesn’t show you empathy or compassion.

-Plays the victim and tries blame you rather than taking personal responsibility.

-Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

-Doesn’t care about your feelings.

-Views you as an extension of themselves and not an individual.

-Withholds sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.

-Shares personal and private information about you with other people.

-Denies being emotionally abusive when confronted.

-Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

Do you…

-Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

-Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

-Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

-Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

-Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

-Stay with you partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.  Read this and learn.

Now that my angry rant is out of the way, mostly, you need to know something.

It’s not your fault. YOU didn’t fail and you aren’t worthless at all. That is HIM putting his feelings on you. That is HIS broken self esteem, his insecurity and his incapacity to be a REAL FUCKING DADDY not your failing as his boy.

Daddy: Protects. Cares for. Guides. Nurtures. Provides structure and a host of things designed to help his boy grow and be more comfortable being who he truly is inside.

A Daddy does not ever seek to make his ‘boy’ experience hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, dread or any of these things. He seeks to remove those things from his boy, not instill them. No son. He’s not a Daddy if that is how he makes you feel. If you’ve talked to him about how his treatment makes you feel and he refuses to consider your feelings there is only one answer: Tell him to Fuck Off.

Daddy says it’s OK to use bad language to tell bad men where they can go because the only thing worthless in this situation is the pretender who uses Daddy as a code word for abuse.

THIS is how a boy should feel when all the games are done. End of Story.

Papa Tony:

@dirtydaddythings has it 100% right.

I have trained any number of Daddies over the last couple of decades.  Real Daddies. They seek me out as a mentor.  I am always honored, and happy to help, because the world needs more affectionate, approving Daddies.

When I start teaching a new Daddy, he always shows up insecure, and worried that he isn’t qualified. He fears that he will do a crappy job, usually because his own father didn’t teach him how to deal with the gay life that he has been living.

I start by asking if he gives a damn about the safety, well-being and success of any boy in his life.  He is always surprised by the question… “Well, of COURSE I do!   Why would you ask?”  I tell him that his automatic reaction is 90% of what qualifies him not only as a Daddy, but as a REALLY GOOD Daddy.  I assert that he is an ethical man, who gives a damn about others.

I tell him that his years of experience at:

• Being a male homosexual in a world that sometimes really doesn’t like us,
• Learning about relationships, networking and being a good man, and
• Wanting to be a better man, with growth and gathered wisdom are actually his superpowers.  Men like him forget that other men (of ANY age - I like older subs, myself) may lack even the basics of what he has been taking for granted in his own life.  He is already a rich resource.  His willingness to share what he has, is more important than some vague, far-off ideal of perfection.

It’s time for him to put on an invisible t-shirt with the word “DADDY!” on the front of it, and to assume that he is already qualified, because I assert that he IS.