Coming Out Happens in BOTH Directions!

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Papa Tony:

A good buddy wrote to me with some rather personal sharing, which I will not quote here.  The basic gist is that he had a recent semi-confrontation with his dad, who eventually ended the conversation with a clumsy hug.

This is the same dad who had erupted with religious fervor and condemnation a few years earlier when the son came out as gay.  Here is what I said in response, but expanded a bit:

Here is an outsider’s perspective:  Your dad is trying to adjust his brain processes, in favor of loving and accepting you, after having been programmed in judgmental ways during his whole life.  He is improving, but it’s probably hard for you to see.  

Please understand:  COMING OUT works in both directions, every single time.  Yes, you have to come out, in order to share your truth, and live your life authentically.  However, the folks we come out TO have to do a lot of brain-rewiring as well, and it can take years to happen.  Give him time, and loving patience.  He’s catching up.

In my own case, I came out to my large, hyper-religious family in 1975, and I was certain that I would never have any positive relationship with any of them, ever again.  I put it right out of my mind.  Reject ME?  Not if I reject you first!  HA!

What happened instead was that my six sisters reached out and let me know that they were cool with their gay brother, and that they missed me.  The entire family adjusted in their own ways over the years.  My three older brothers adore my sweet husband of 28 years.

I became the family peacemaker, and quite early on. I have always been deep, and in constant search of useful wisdom and balance.  I have no certificates on the wall to validate my abilities, nor have I ever taken a class on the topic of Philosophy.  Yet, I have innate perception, and can see the larger perspective.  

My family needs and treasures that part of me.  If I drift away, then High Drama tends to erupt in my absence.

If family drama and disagreement arise (and there tends to be a lot of that sometimes), I have always been trusted to find the answer where everybody gets to win.  Conflicts evaporate quickly, instead of festering and building.

Just a few days ago, my oldest sister told me “You are the Family Patriarch, and I am the Matriarch.”  I have been told many times I am the favorite brother, uncle and Great Uncle, hands down.

In 1975, I would NEVER, ever have predicted that.  So, be patient, give it time, and who knows?  

Things really could get better.