Mentoring vs. Role-Modeling

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I want to tell you that I read that Skin Hunger post and I just loved it. The way you talked about your relationship with your brother and how much his comments helped you over the days of your early coming out. It was a very moving picture of what you went through and I thank you very much for the authenticity of your response. You are one in a million and we all love you!

Bless you, good brother.  That article felt good to write. I went balls-out, no holding back.
About a year ago, I was mentoring a group of Tops online.  I was also coaching a new, 45-year-old Mentor, and had invited him to join us and share freely as he saw the opportunities arise.

He called me on the phone, out of the blue. He wanted to know why I had just shared something with the group that was incredibly vulnerable and sad.  He felt that I had put myself at a disadvantage in terms of being respected by the group.

I assured him that it was all just a matter of perspective. If my job as a mentor was just to emit “wisdom pellets” that roll down the hill towards ignorant people, then I would never, ever want to appear vulnerable.

Keeping my mentees and protégés at arm’s-length would be an unfair way to keep our relationships asymmetric, and I would always be “ahead” of them.  How nice for me, and how awkward for them, right?

Instead, I also choose to be a role-model.  If I am always the full expression of a man at all times… strong, confident and solid… OR broken and vulnerable sometimes, then I am modeling behavior that I want them to emulate.

I want them to get to MY level, and as soon as possible.  I want to support the creation of new peers, not peons or acolytes.  Mentoring is not an ego-trip, it’s a mission to build NEW mentors, leaders and role-models for a community that needs many more of them.

I allow myself to express the full pendulum-swing of emotions as they show up.  If I was emotionally unavailable to the folks that I coach, how would I ever get them to fully trust me?
How will I ever be able to experience THEIR vulnerability, if they don’t feel comfortable self-expressing around me?

After our chat, I saw that my brother Mentor had posted a very vulnerable sharing with the group.  It was the biggest risk that I had ever seen from him. I was very pleased, and of course, the group respected him even more.  We became a tighter team.