Finding Permanent Pride In Who We Are

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Papa, I write humbly and with deep respect for your wisdom. You have written about this before but I know I continue to struggle with shame. Maybe guilt. But the feeling that my deep, submissive nature is not something that society values in a man. And my strong attraction to masculine Dom men despite feeling very submissive and unmasculine myself. I have never carried my own masculinity confidently but want to be a proud submissive man.

You are struggling with the classic trap that society has created to keep us all in specific boxes.  Males are one way, females are another, and anything outside of those parameters is broken, wrong and inappropriate.  The list goes on and on:

1. REAL relationships come in only one style.
2. Sexuality is locked-in and “Normal.”  If it’s not, it is terrible, and can affect the path of hurricanes.
3. Gender is binary.  Always has been, and always will be. 
4. Kinky stuff is horrid.  No exceptions.

If we take a good look at who is actually TELLING us this, we see that such programming is all about domination and power, to the advantage of the folks in charge, and at the expense of the people that they are dominating.

After being told who we are supposed to be, by folks in positions of power over us, we tend to internalize what we have been told.  Little kids can’t process the same as adults, so we are meant to absorb and pass-along the status quo.

Twelve Years Of Catholic School

I was raised Catholic in the 1960′s.  I consider my constant programming and schooling to have been wasted effort and time.  Looking back, I would have been schooled similarly if I had been taught in a madrassa.  It was all about the rigid rules, and teaching me to submit to those in power over me.  I was a tool of their dominance.  Nothing more,

As I have explained elsewhere, I had to break free in an explosive and permanent repudiation of what I had been shamed into believing.  No half measures, no holding back.  There are times where I have wondered how I might have done a better job of coming out as gay, but knowing how rigid my family-structure was, I still know that I made the right move.

Then, The Internet Showed Up

When I was a child, I was fiercely held back from any information that didn’t fit the script.  After leaving the nest, I made it my business to FIND OUT what had been kept away from me.  This was a long time ago.

Now, it is trivially easy for young people to evade restrictions and to get answers to questions about their most intimate secrets and fantasies.  At the age of eighteen in my area, they march proudly into the local kink store and already know all about the types of floggers on sale.

I’m still astonished that as a culture, we are still pretending that we are damaged and outraged by seeing each others’ hoo-has, wing-wangs and naughty-pillows.  It’s as if the Internet never showed up.  Sooner or later, things are going to crack and fall away, and we will all be a lot more honest about our natures, desires and physical selves.

The Horse and the Donkey

I can’t find the original cartoon, so I will just describe it:

A horse and a donkey are tied up to the same hitching-post.  The donkey has an enormous amount of baggage on its back… so heavy that the donkey’s back is bent downward in a “U” shape.
The horse says “Wow - That’s an incredible burden!”

The donkey says “What burden?”

My point is that we have spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to cope and adjust our expectations of ourselves to accommodate other people’s opinions of us.  We don’t recognize the cost of our self-distortions, until we finally have a breakthrough moment, when we can’t go a single step further in the same old way.

My wish for everyone is that we all come to our own breakthrough moment, even if it looks like a fearsome “breakdown” beforehand.  Change is not always comfortable, and life can indeed be very different afterward, but ultimate happiness starts within ourselves.  It’s good to take care of our own needs at times.

The Kink Community Is On The Forefront Of Positive Change

In a healthy, vibrant and growing kinky community, we develop friendships with folks who have had to go through the same process of reprogramming themselves for acceptance… acceptance of ourselves, and of others.

If we run into somebody at a Munch who self-identifies as “Boy Adrian,” even though he was clearly born as female, we don’t pick on him, or try to change his mind.  We say “How nice to meet you.  Please tell me more about yourself.”

It is my fervent dream that some day, EVERY child born everywhere will be celebrated as they ARE, without negative programming.  This may seem like a foolish fantasy, but I am speaking from the perspective of a gay man who has nailed the closet-door open, back in 1975.  We have all come a LONG way in that time.

History continues in the right direction, despite slowdowns and setbacks.  Unless somebody figures out how to stop the Internet, the spread of real, accurate and relevant perspectives is accelerating.

The Lack Of Positive, Public Role-Models

We don’t have movie stars and politicians proudly bragging about their submissive successes, and pride in their ability to snag high-quality Doms.

This music video about the joys of bottoming is a lovely exception.  Lyrics are here.  I hope that this is the start of a trend.

I can’t grab the handlebars of your life and steer it for you, brother.  I can’t make the necessary changes inside of your soul.  You have your own work to do, in order to re-program yourself.  You have had a big old pile of shame-based baggage shoved at you from every direction. I assert that it no longer belongs to you.

Now, it’s YOUR turn to believe it.  Seen differently, the things that you have been picked-on for, are actually your best attributes.

If you can’t help being this way, be GOOD at it!