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True submission is inspired before it can be required. It is inspired not by who you claim to be but who you actually are.
Being Alpha is more than just being confident in what you expect. It is leadership, guidance, wisdom, responsibility, knowing and setting boundaries; and it is both self-discipline and discipline of others.
When submission is inspired, there is no need to protect a facade of ‘perfection’ because: 1) no one is perfect 2) sometimes you are going to get it wrong. You are. But inspired submission follows you through it, not because you are perfect, but because you have already inspired their loyalty.
Demanding compliance and barking orders is perfectly fine as long as the submission it demands is rooted in inspiration. Otherwise, it eventually leads to internal eye rolls from those whose submission you have forgotten is their choice to give.
Communication for Doms
Here are some ‘pearls of wisdom’ for new Doms on how to establish a healthy Dom/sub connection. Some of these pointers pertain to more intense play, but are good suggestions regardless of the type of play.
1. Communicate. Probably the most important skill to learn as a Dom, is how to effectively communicate. As the leader it’s your job to keep communication an open, two-way street. Subs often shut down or disconnect. It’s not because they are being defiant. Sometimes it’s part of their subspace experience, and sometimes they’re overwhelmed by what’s happening. They may perceive what you are doing as abuse, or relate it to a moment of abuse in their past. It can happen at any time, even when doing something you’ve already done before with no problems. Here are some tips to developing good habits to facilitate communication between you and your sub.
2. Be yourself. Even though Dom/sub relations are technically ‘role play’ most people want to play with real people. Especially in the beginning, subs want to know an authentic, personal side of you, and know that you are someone they can rely on, and they can trust.
When a sub offers himself to you it is a big deal, and he’s offering himself to YOU, not some fictional character. He wants YOU to lead him through any challenges and adversity. He needs your help. If you’re trying too hard or doing something that’s way out of character, then rethink your strategy.
Your sub will see how uncomfortable it is for you and his confidence may waver. So start slow and easy. That being said, if you’re trying something new and it’s backfiring or turning into a clusterfuck, just stop, say that it’s not working out, and laugh it off. Bonding comes from sharing both successes and failures. Handling failures well is just as important as enjoying success.
3. Establish endpoints, and checking in: Unless it is your lifestyle, it’s a good habit to establish things I call ‘endpoints’ and ‘checking in.’
An endpoint is simply defining the beginning and ending of a BDSM scene. Create a time, before and after a scene, for physical contact and communication. Be positive, affirming, calm, relaxed. Smile, use touch, eye contact, and say something like, “we’re gong to have a really good time today all right?” or “You did a great job today, thank you.” Simple common courtesy. And listen to what your sub has to say. Treat it like a ritual. Subs respond very well to this kind of consistency. It only takes a minute and it does a world of good towards building trust and camaraderie.
Checking in: Checking in can happen within a scene or can be used as a transition between scenes. It’s basically a short rest period - less than 30 seconds - where you ease up on stimulation, when a sub can regroup, verbalize his condition, think things out, relax a little, get ready for more. Think of it like a little chunk of aftercare inside of a scene. It’s a good time to re-establish a connection, check in with the sub and see how he’s doing. Speak with a comforting tone, be encouraging. Ask him “how are you doing?” Over a very short time he’ll become conditioned so that when he’s in this ‘safe zone’ he knows he’s physically safe from harm, and will come to relish those times and bond with you over them. It also serves as a reality check, allowing the sub to momentarily assert control if he wishes. When you’re ready to start up again, just say, ‘you ready?’ and listen to his response.
4. Handling meltdowns and catharsis. It will happen eventually. Especially if you’re involved with punishments or endorphin rushes, S&M and longer, more intense scenes. A strong emotional release….crying, or anger or fear. Grief, heartache, anguish, passion, joy, gratitude. A hundred emotions and powerful feelings all culminating together and overflowing. It’s like an unstoppable force that grabs hold of your body and doesn’t let go. At that moment, it can go either way: It can be a powerfully positive cathartic experience - something life-changing that your sub will be eternally grateful for. Or it can be devastating to him - something that will leave him scarred, erase all the trust you’ve built, and fill you both with regret.
The most important thing you can do as a Dom at that moment, is BE THERE. Stop extraneous stimulation. Make it quiet. Be physically close, but not obtrusive. If you do make physical contact, make it firm contact, like an anchor he can hold onto. Don’t be overly consoling…you don’t know what he’s thinking right now. Just be there, and say the words, “I’m here with you. I’m right here.” Say it just a few times, not over and over. Try not to say things like, “you’re ok,’ because he’s not. Instead, say “you’ll BE ok.” “I’ve got you.” I’m with you.” Realize that this is HIS experience, not yours. He needs to handle this himself. But he needs you there to witness it, and honor it, and honor him. By being present with him. That is all.
When the time is right, when things settle a bit, tell him “I’m going to untie you now and then we’re going to go rest for a while.” Expect another emotional release to return at some point, and again, use firm steady touch, like an anchor. Go lay down for a while with him. Cover him with a blanket. Warm him with your body. Hold him close and let him have his experience. When he is still, give him some time by himself to rest. He might fall asleep for a while. That is normal. When he wakes again, he might be really happy and energized, or kinda dazed and confused, or exhausted and hungry. Your boy just worked very hard for you. Be a good mentor and tend to HIS needs.
Beautifully written. A true ALPHA is a MAN who knows HE must lead and not just order. Owning another human being, for five minutes or a lifetime, comes with the responsibility to care for what is HIS.
Omg yes. Communicate. It’s a two-way street to get where you want to be.
Words of alpha wisdom.
Very well written and equally wise. These are points not only for Dom/Daddies but for sub/boys to read. It is good to know what to expect and to be prepared for certain things that should and others that could happen.
#4. Catharsis happens even in casual settings. Something as simple as a compassionate touch can trigger unresolved or underlying tensions and results in a break down or an explosive release. The more intense the session the deeper that effect can reach. This is an important component of being a Dom/Daddy.
How you handle it determines your ability to help them cope with what they are feeling.
Within the context of Dad/boy roleplay D/s there is a wide range of things that can crop up, and most often it is a cathartic release. The first time a boy is truly ‘broken’ so much floods them that there are often tears and sobbing. There is so much anxiety and pressure and desire that gets wrapped up in the idea of being with Daddy that it can overwhelm a boy. It’s not your fault, but it is yours to help them through.