Ritual Conditioning

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aphyr: I related to SIR this morning that I’d jerked off in an effort to get a little more sleep, and he asked me whether I’d come without permission. We hadn’t discussed any sort of control over my sexual habits until that point–and then, suddenly, several things clicked into place.

SIR’s choice of where to add constraints and ritual into my life aren’t just fetishes in themselves. He applies control to the things I enjoy most: lifting, fucking, eating–conditioning me to associate him, and his power over me, with my most pleasurable and valuable experiences.

I’m used to direct associative conditioning–my first SIR, for instance, turned my nipples from what-are-these-random-bits-of-hardware-buried-in-the-back-of-the-misc-drawer to reliable instigators of arousal, by squeezing and tugging on them to the point of pain while I jerked off. Now I love having them played with.

I’ve also experienced both reward and punishment-driven operant conditioning–it’s usually obvious when that’s going on. If I’m a good boy, he’ll reward me with head-scratches, affection, food, toys, etc. One tries to make the link between behavior and reward as immediate and obvious as possible, either by rewarding immediately after the desired behavior, or through directed recall.

If I disobey orders or let my Master down, he might remove privileges (negative punishment) or hit me (positive punishment). If he hits me, he’ll hit me hard. While reminding me exactly what I did, how it made him feel, and what I should do next time. It’s a short, intense, focused experience. I should note, for readers not accustomed to healthy S/M practice, that this kind of punishment is consensual and enjoyable at a metalevel, even though it hurts like hell. It’s also distinct from a pleasurable beating, where the goal is to enjoy the sensation, endorphin rush, and headspace. If anyone ever strikes you and you’re not enjoying it on some level, they need to stop.

Anyway, what I realized today was that SIR’s choice of where to apply control isn’t just linked to what he finds hot or rewarding personally. It’s also designed to bring a focus on him into my favorite activities, strengthening my positive association with his control. Yes, he loves watching me eat from a bowl on the floor–it’s degrading and hot for both of us–but it also reminds me that he’s in charge of food, and food is one of my favorite things in the world. Now SIR is a part of that.

And that power recirculates: as fulfilling SIR’s control becomes a stronger desire independent from untrained stimuli, we can use that desire to reach both of our goals. I’ve wanted to be huge and powerful ever since I was a kid, and SIR wants a submissive musclebound pup. The hunger to obey SIR, as an external locus of control, helps me focus on eating, on sleeping, on maintaining good form and training to exhaustion every time. SIR wants me to fist him and take his fist, which has never done much for me intrinsically–but as our training deepens, I find that experience more and more desirable. And the association of pleasure with obedience helps me transmute the pain of a whipping into deep satisfaction.

All of this relies on SIR’s judgement being sound; on him knowing, valuing, and balancing my desires and capabilities with his own. As in Aikido, our mutuality stems from my ability to extend trust, and his ability to extend compassion. It’s one of the things that makes S/M so deeply enjoyable for me.