Am I a Good Dom?

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dijkstra0: In my 20 years of BDSM I have always been a switch, enjoying both the dom and sub roles. Even being given high praise for both my sub and dom skills. Which side I focused on has always swung back and forth. For most of the time, especially in my early years, I focused being a sub. The past three years I have focused on being a dom especially as a lifestyle choice.

I can say with confidence that I am a good sub. The big challenge I had, in being a good sub, was getting past my fears of losing control. Looking back it was terrifying. I know now there is nothing to be afraid of. Losing control meant gaining my freedom, freedom to finally be myself to serve another. Being a sub is easy for me. If Sir gives me an order, I follow an order. I let my Sir make the decisions so I can focus on obeying him. Its just that simple and rewarding.

But being a dom is hard for me. I like being a dom, I’m even told I am a very good dom, but its been a learning process. I constantly struggle with balancing respecting a sub and taking control of him. When is it safe to push the boy harder? When do I need to pull back and cuddle him? When do put my hand around his neck and tell him, “you’re doing this now!”? When does he simply need a friend by his side?

I make an effort to talk to other doms and get their ideas and feedback. I talk to other boys and slaves. I have meet some great people who have given me great advice. But still I struggle. Will what they say be the right solution for me, sometimes the advice I get sounds too harsh? I am my own person, I have my own style of being a Sir. Being a sadist is not for me, constantly punishing a boy is not for me, keeping a boy at an arms length emotional distance is not for me.

For me, a boy/Sir relationship comes down to honesty, respect, and trust. We each take care of each other, but in very different ways. As I tell my boy, I’ll take care of the big problems, you focus on the small ones.

Sometimes I feel selfish giving boys certain orders, “massage my feet,” “worship my cock,” or even “refill my coffee.” Is the boy really happy following these orders? Is this really what he wants to be doing? The ironic part is, as a sub I loved following orders for my Sir, it was so fulfilling to me. Yet as a Sir, I question these same orders. Its all so confusing at times.

Perhaps though, I am a good dom. And perhaps the reason I’m a good dom is, I’m constantly questioning myself, forcing myself to be an even better dom.

comopainpig:

It sounds like you are an awesome dom. For the majority of people, a healthy relation is not simple or easy. It requires regular examination of the relationship and of the needs and desires for all. To not question is to not grow and to not adjust as others and the world change around you.

Orders, punishment, support and cuddling are all important for a healthy relationship. Knowing which to use when can be the tricky part.