The Experiment, Gone Wrong

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

ironcladlifery: i’m calling the experience the “experiment” in retrospect. A very good and dear friend of mine, who i love and adore, and i, tried a couple of days of online Master/slave roleplay. We didn’t negotiate we just went at it. It was just online, i thought. No big deal. But it was a big deal. i threw my limits out and went along with how i was spoken to and agreed to do what was asked of me. i wanted to please so badly, because i like, love and respect him so much and i wanted to be soo good and let him indulge himself. i fully consented.

But then, i hit subdrop. Again. in the moment it was all thrilling. it was hot. But then i started to hate myself for it. i wasn’t clear, i wasn’t honest with myself, or with him. i started to get tired and to push back and we both of us, at that point, had our own emotional catching up to do and eventually had brief meltdowns.

By the way, aftercare for Doms is necessary. He gave me great aftercare. The best i’ve ever had, online. i was happy to give him some too.

This stuff is both a game and not a game. Even online, it gets to the root of you and you must confront yourself.

i learned, pretty much to my horror, that i am not the best at communication. i let things go past my limits and didn’t tell him until after. We were going to reset and try again, but he, very very wisely, said no. Lets go back he said. Let’s be friends again. We need to stop.

i wrote an earlier post about letting the Dominant run free and then just letting him check up during and after. And that is fine. But i realized exactly why there is a negotiation phase. It prevents some if not all surprises. It prevents some if not all hurt feelings. It gives the Dom more to work with. A blank slate is more difficult.

Bottom line though: i was unfair to my friend. i violated the principle of trust.

i was unfair by not being honest at all times. By letting my desire to please carry me away past things that later really started to bother me.

Our friendship is intact because we talked it through, belatedly. But we did talk.

Whether before, after or during, you have to talk. i see now why it is so often and so wisely before. The play it by ear way has a lot of risks too. To feelings, and to mental health. Be aware.

i’m grateful for this experience. And will always appreciate my friend for going through it with me. it taught me so much.

Like i said, this taught me that BDSM is a game, in real life and online, but also not a game. You can get hurt. Physically and emotionally, as well as experience intensities of surrender and bliss that i hitherto had not felt. He made me feel wonderful things. Amazing and shocking things. But there was a cost and a dark side.

Fortunately, no lasting damage was done. But only because i was finally totally honest after he prompted me to be. He led me through this. He deserves the credit.

For other submissives i can only say this: be honest with yourself and your Dom. The desire to please can carry us away. But it betrays your Dom, and the trust that underpins all of this, if you are not honest. i wasn’t. i tried to make myself into a slave overnight, to make my Dom, and my friend, happy. i ended up making him unhappy and myself miserable.

It got all too real there for a bit. And difficult. Imagination is powerful. The theatre of the mind can seem very very real.

In closing, to him i say, thank you for being my friend and sorry i found myself regretting what i had tacitly and in some cases verbally agreed to. That is not your fault. That was unfair. i’m so glad we talked about it after and decided the friendship needed to be paramount and the roleplay dropped.

You are a true friend.