Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!
I want to start by saying thank you. I'm a 48 year old straight novice Top. When I entered the local community a few months ago I sought knowledge, and guidance, so I scoured the Internet for sources and stumbled across you. I've devoured your material. I listened to most or all of your audio recordings. Thank you for posting them and sharing all this with the rest of us.
I sought out guidance here and found a mentor and it was going well, but she dumped me after just a few weeks. So I reached out to others and was put in contact with a guy who was well established in the Leather community here. He told me that the Leather community was closed to noobs like me, that they were extremely selective about who they let in, after observing you in the community for a while. That is the opposite of your position, and I thank you for it.
I wholeheartedly agree that the real skills and talents of a good Dom are the soft skills. I've already seen bunches of tops who are highly skilled with their toys but show none of the skills you exhibit in your Kinky Play without Toys video. Also, I've seen nearly zero of the aftercare you showed in the second part of that video. I don't say these things to criticize anyone or my local community. I say them to show you how special you are, even to people far outside the San Diego gay leather community.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. I wish there were more leaders like you.
I wholeheartedly agree that the real skills and talents of a good Dom are the soft skills. I've already seen bunches of tops who are highly skilled with their toys but show none of the skills you exhibit in your Kinky Play without Toys video. Also, I've seen nearly zero of the aftercare you showed in the second part of that video. I don't say these things to criticize anyone or my local community. I say them to show you how special you are, even to people far outside the San Diego gay leather community.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. I wish there were more leaders like you.
Papa Tony:
Thank you for the blessings, brother. Clearly, you are kind, perceptive and on the path toward greater wisdom. How do I know that? Because folks like you are ALL that I hear from. Seriously. My tone, style and philosophies cause a gong to go off in the hearts of the ones who share many of my own traits. Then, they reach out, and my life is much, MUCH richer as a result.
The social shutdown that you describe is something that I refer to as "Fifty Shades Syndrome." That hideous book series (and the entire mommy-porn industry that it spawned) caused local communities everywhere to hit Newbie Burnout very quickly. SO MANY eager new faces. all of a sudden, and they all NEEDNEEDNEED so much hand-holding and mentoring.
Folks of good will simply can't deal with so much need. It becomes background noise.
In This Next Part, I Am Stereotyping.
Even so, I'm still pretty confident in what I say:
Many heterosexual dominant males are arriving on the scene with advanced cases of Tumblr Porn Syndrome, expecting their fantasies to be real: Toxic masculinity gone wild, baby! As a result, new, usually ignorant male Doms are the lowest on the social totem pole. They are considered to be lacking in positive value - a drain of everybody's energies.
And then, a man like YOU shows up. YOU'RE the exact opposite of a problem. You aren't afraid to lead with your big, beautiful heart. You are actively seeking to be the finest representation of a Man Of The Tribe. On your best days you are admirable, lovable, honorable and respectable. A true mensch.
Unfortunately, through no fault of your own, you also arrive covered from head to toe in Newbie Stinkeroo, because there is no flashing neon sign over your head, saying "This one is the real thing! Throw the gates open wide!"
It's Not Your Fault.
None of this has to do with you, personally. YOU didn't fail. It's just stereotyping, and it hurts. The opposite of love is not hate. It is INDIFFERENCE, when nobody cares whether you live or die. Ouch. For those of us with abandonment issues, being treated shabbily can be particularly harsh.
There is a lot of exhaustion from trying to support too many newbies in the communities that I hear from. Folks from Berlin, Edinburgh, Denver and Detroit tell me the same thing… Sometimes with tears, caused by the pain of rejection. Please take some comfort from knowing that the problem is one that occurs everywhere.
My advice? Don't give up and drop away. It is my assertion that men and women like you, with bigger perceptions and a strong sense of fairness, make the BEST leaders, mentors and role-models.
I've Noticed A Pattern
For several decades I have met many special, sensitive and evolved individuals, and taken them under my wing - someone who just needed somebody who believes in them. After a time, I hold the metaphorical mirror up to them and say "Do you see what I see? Do you see how wonderful you are?" I help them to understand just how big and strong THEIR wings always were - I'm just pointing it out, because it's obvious to me.
Then, they take their show on the road, and word gets around. The local community becomes stronger, more peaceful, and less likely to go through damaging breakdown cycles of High Drama. My protégés show up in photos of big, successful events, because they are running things. I never once ASKED them to step into leadership, but always hoped that they would.
Well, I can't do mentoring one-on-one for hundreds of thousands of valuable folks in the world, no matter how much I wish that I could. That's why I created the Kink Mentoring Archives. I want more folks to see what is possible outside of the box. You can be so much more than what you see around you locally.
A Dallas Story
I see that you are from Dallas-Fort Worth (DFW) in Texas. One of my very favorite Leather Sons moved from Dallas to San Diego. He was so traumatized by his experiences there (he got bullied a lot) that it took him a full year to attend his first public event. I zeroed-in on him within seconds, and even through his shyness, I could see the worth and the glory of him. My intuition was clanging like a bell.
I became his mentor, and we spent a lot of time together. Every conversation was deep, meaningful and moved the ball forward. After a time, he lit up like a lighthouse, so that EVERYBODY could see how wonderful he was. He became a huge local success as a leader and role-model. That was all him. I make no claim to his natural talent. I just kept pointing out how good he was. I was his dedicated mirror.
He won an international leather title, and was widely celebrated everywhere that he went. Then, he visited Dallas in process of being Head Judge at a local leather contest. The folks in DFW who had cut him off in the past threw a big party in his honor, and couldn't have been nicer to him, as far as they were thinking.
Without any sense of self-reflection, they said things such as "Can you believe it? Of ALL of the people from Dallas, HE's the one who became the big success?"
True story.
True story.
I am retired from being a community leader, but I still mentor many folks worldwide, using apps like Skype. Encouraging words from a reliable source mean a lot, even if we never meet face to face.
It is part of human nature to form affinity-groups that become cliques... closed to newbies unless they somehow claw their way up the Ice-Cliff of Indifference through sheer strength of will. That's why I have always actively welcomed the new, the shy and the unsure folks, and ignored the long-timers during big events. Their needs have been handled.
I have never wanted to be a part of a clique. I see every shy new face as somebody with majesty and worth, until proven otherwise. I am open to the possibility that the tools in their toolbox might supplement the ones missing in other people's toolboxes, including mine.
That's my definition of how to build a Tribe, where everybody gets a chance to show their worth. Ninety-nine percent of the new folks who I greet, rise up to meet my expectations. The other one percent? They think that I'm creepy, and they can't get away fast enough. That's okay. They are welcome back at any time, but only if they play nicely.
It is my assertion that any typical, self-protective clique is already heading for the tar-pits, because the folks inside become fossilized over time. New faces, new ideas and exciting new perspectives are what keep a healthy community vibrant. Pretty soon, the ones who started out forlorn and worried are the ones RUNNING things, and doing a great job of it. That is, if they got the emotional support that they needed.
Leaders burn out. They hit their natural limit eventually, and then they start skidding, breaking down and dropping away. It is the job of EVERY leader to plan for that day, and to train their replacements in a conscious way.
I assert that you would be a superb community leader, even without knowing more about you. I am hearing a strong sense of fairness in what you are sharing. The Golden Rule is not being followed, dammit! Well, that's a clear, big and valuable signal to me.
When I first stepped into my own community after a long time away (I was grieving after having lost my community to AIDS), I stepped directly into spinning blades. I was manifestly NOT welcome. I was seen as a loose cannon. A threat to the local hegemony. I must be destroyed!
After reaching out and pulling back a bloody stump enough times, I decided to create my OWN, separate affinity-group. It wasn't a perfect solution for a while (the attacks just intensified), but I persevered. Eventually, my Tribe became the big attraction, because it WASN'T a tiny, carefully protected clique.
We offered hugs, and those folks over there offered suspicion and judgmental responses. MY crowd was hundreds of times bigger, we hugged a LOT, and we never suffered from breakdowns. My theory is that this was because nobody wanted to be the one pooping in the pool. Everybody was so happy all of the time, so nobody wanted the fun to end.
I am not saying that this would be YOUR solution, but it sure worked for me. It's always possible to BE the change that you want to see, and I invite you to look at that possibility in yourself. It takes courage, and stamina, but the payoff is enormous.
Please stay in touch.
No comments:
Post a Comment