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From the Dominant Guide...
First of all, this is a good thing
Despite whether or not you feel like you have a desire or inclination to be Dominant, reassure your partner that this kind of open and honest communication is a positive thing and encourage more of it.
My marriage grew exponentially closer and stronger with every honest (balls out, real honesty I am talking about here) conversation we had. Even if this has taken you off guard be glad that you are talking in a very real way about your fantasies and desires now.
If your partner has brought this to you, you likely feel one of four ways. You may be: excited and horny and ready to spank a little ass, or disappointed because their kink doesn’t necessarily line up with what turns you on, or conflicted to the whole damn thing, or finally, you are concerned about the future of your relationship because this just doesn’t suit you. We’ll go over the stepping stones from here.
If you’re hot and horny and ready to break out a paddle: That’s great! Welcome to the wonderful world of taking charge. Just about everywhere you turn will give you the standard rundown of starting Dominance. Read. Do research. Learn about safety. Set up safe words. Communicate. Be responsible. (I just stated them here too in case you are here first.) Yes. Do all that stuff. But also, jump on in, particularly when you have an excited, consenting partner waiting to get started too.
It seems as if everybody nowadays wants to do weeks and months and years of reading and research and prepping before trying this out. Sure, reading is helpful. Research is good. But reading and research will only get you so far. You can only take in so much information before it begins to go in one ear and out the other because, without application, you forget what you are learning.
Imagine trying to learn to change the oil in a car and only reading about it. At some point, you’re going to need to get your hands dirty on an actual vehicle to try it out. This hands-on application is the best way to learn and grow in Dominance. You have no idea how hard your partner wants to be spanked unless you fling them over the foot of the bed and give them a spanking, and then asking for an opinion on how it felt.
Now I do encourage that constant honest communication with your partner throughout this beginning period (and of course forever) because as a Dominant you will need to lead and make decisions all of the time. Since none of us are mind readers, you will need to ask loads of questions and expect forthright honesty. Create a comfortable space for your submissive to be able to say anything respectfully so long as it is in the purpose of communicating information to you. Nobody will tell you better if you are on the right track than your submissive… so long as you listen.
Questions to ask your partner if you’re ready to jump in:
Maybe you can both switch, meaning taking turns being Dominant and submissive. This is actually a great exercise for about every couple because how do you really know what you want unless you try it out?
Remember the most important thing is that you started together and want to grow together, be together. Hold onto that and the rest becomes fun times.
Questions to ask:
Ask yourself:
Are you conflicted because you are not turned on by it? Because you are turned on by it? Because you don’t understand it? Because it makes you uncomfortable to think about “hurting” somebody even when it was asked for? What kind of reading and research should I do to find resolution?
Ask your partner:
Can I have some time to process this and get back with you about how I feel?
(Be sure to actually do so though, or animosity will be created by your not addressing their needs.)
If you’re just not into it: This may be the hardest to come to terms with. If you are concerned about the future of your relationship because they are desiring submission and you have zero interest in it, well, this may not be the relationship for you. That may sound harsh, but at the end of the day we are our happiest living authentically as our real self. If your partner is desperate to submit to somebody, and you have no interest in trying or learning about it, then some serious conversations need to be taking place. The worst case would be creating a situation where your partner is tempted to go outside of the relationship to try and have their needs fulfilled.
Start having honest conversations about it. Maybe you would consider reading about opening up to an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Books like The Ethical Slut and More Than Two can help open your eyes to the idea that you can still have a loving, healthy, happy relationship with somebody who has another Dominant partner.
Questions to discuss:
First of all, this is a good thing
Despite whether or not you feel like you have a desire or inclination to be Dominant, reassure your partner that this kind of open and honest communication is a positive thing and encourage more of it.
My marriage grew exponentially closer and stronger with every honest (balls out, real honesty I am talking about here) conversation we had. Even if this has taken you off guard be glad that you are talking in a very real way about your fantasies and desires now.
If your partner has brought this to you, you likely feel one of four ways. You may be: excited and horny and ready to spank a little ass, or disappointed because their kink doesn’t necessarily line up with what turns you on, or conflicted to the whole damn thing, or finally, you are concerned about the future of your relationship because this just doesn’t suit you. We’ll go over the stepping stones from here.
If you’re hot and horny and ready to break out a paddle: That’s great! Welcome to the wonderful world of taking charge. Just about everywhere you turn will give you the standard rundown of starting Dominance. Read. Do research. Learn about safety. Set up safe words. Communicate. Be responsible. (I just stated them here too in case you are here first.) Yes. Do all that stuff. But also, jump on in, particularly when you have an excited, consenting partner waiting to get started too.
It seems as if everybody nowadays wants to do weeks and months and years of reading and research and prepping before trying this out. Sure, reading is helpful. Research is good. But reading and research will only get you so far. You can only take in so much information before it begins to go in one ear and out the other because, without application, you forget what you are learning.
Imagine trying to learn to change the oil in a car and only reading about it. At some point, you’re going to need to get your hands dirty on an actual vehicle to try it out. This hands-on application is the best way to learn and grow in Dominance. You have no idea how hard your partner wants to be spanked unless you fling them over the foot of the bed and give them a spanking, and then asking for an opinion on how it felt.
Now I do encourage that constant honest communication with your partner throughout this beginning period (and of course forever) because as a Dominant you will need to lead and make decisions all of the time. Since none of us are mind readers, you will need to ask loads of questions and expect forthright honesty. Create a comfortable space for your submissive to be able to say anything respectfully so long as it is in the purpose of communicating information to you. Nobody will tell you better if you are on the right track than your submissive… so long as you listen.
Questions to ask your partner if you’re ready to jump in:
- Are you interested in bedroom submission, outside the bedroom submission, or both?
- How much research have you done about Dominance and submission?
- What experience do you have in the past?
- On a scale of 0-10 (0 being boring as hell, 10 being the kinkiest shit you’ve ever seen) where do you think we are currently at? Where do you want to be ideally?
- In thinking about submission, what image or fantasy gets you turned on the most?
Maybe you can both switch, meaning taking turns being Dominant and submissive. This is actually a great exercise for about every couple because how do you really know what you want unless you try it out?
Remember the most important thing is that you started together and want to grow together, be together. Hold onto that and the rest becomes fun times.
Questions to ask:
- What turns you on about submission? Does the thought of Dominance turn you on in any way as well?
- Would you consider switching sometimes?
- What else turns you on?
- How can I be Dominant for you in a way that makes me feel like I am being true to myself?
Ask yourself:
Are you conflicted because you are not turned on by it? Because you are turned on by it? Because you don’t understand it? Because it makes you uncomfortable to think about “hurting” somebody even when it was asked for? What kind of reading and research should I do to find resolution?
Ask your partner:
Can I have some time to process this and get back with you about how I feel?
(Be sure to actually do so though, or animosity will be created by your not addressing their needs.)
If you’re just not into it: This may be the hardest to come to terms with. If you are concerned about the future of your relationship because they are desiring submission and you have zero interest in it, well, this may not be the relationship for you. That may sound harsh, but at the end of the day we are our happiest living authentically as our real self. If your partner is desperate to submit to somebody, and you have no interest in trying or learning about it, then some serious conversations need to be taking place. The worst case would be creating a situation where your partner is tempted to go outside of the relationship to try and have their needs fulfilled.
Start having honest conversations about it. Maybe you would consider reading about opening up to an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Books like The Ethical Slut and More Than Two can help open your eyes to the idea that you can still have a loving, healthy, happy relationship with somebody who has another Dominant partner.
Questions to discuss:
- How important to you is it that you are a submissive?
- Is it something that you feel you need?
- If I didn’t want to be Dominant, would you still want a relationship with me?
- Would you consider opening the relationship up to other partners?
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