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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):
I imagine a lot of men will skip past this post, but etiquette in kinkster circles is important because every alpha I’ve ever known is big on respect. Point blank, you need to learn what is considered polite when dealing with fellow kinksters. If you’ve found the alpha of your dreams and he’s talking and interested you don’t want to lose him because you said something rude without realizing it or without thinking about it. While you may not always know why an alpha went silent on you, reading through what’s below should at least help eliminate behavior as a cause.
In General:
- Remember you are here to SERVE: You are serving an alpha. That means your focus should be on him. When I hear “What would you do to me?” That’s a real fast turn off. It implies that you’re here to jack off or that you’re focused on what you’ll get out of it. I have spoken to a number of subs who assure me this is just so they know what they’re in for. Fine, I’m sure that’s true for some folks out there, but try this instead. First, have a conversation with the dominant, get to know him, and be attentive to him. Much later in the conversation if you’re sure you want to play, ask him “what are play sessions like with you generally?” There is no reference to self in this question but it still gets the information you want.
- Learn someone’s title and use it: If you meet someone for the first time and their preferred title is not apparent, then introduce yourself and use your preferred title, and then ask for theirs.
Examples:
- Be mindful of whom you taunt: Some men will taunt dominants to make them act in a more intense fashion. Some dominants enjoy that kind of mouthing off from submissives but me and others do not. As a dominant I have to maintain a large degree of self control to play safely and respect your limits and pain tolerance.
You taunting me I feel is disrespectful and challenges my self control. I’d rather drop all the toys and walk away than I would engage in that kind of play. In short, do NOT engage in taunting with a dominant you do not know. Respect the fact that a first time play session is often about finding boundaries and exploring, do not expect that they’ll immediately jump into intense play but do be vocal about whether you’re enjoying it or not. Give constant feedback.
Online:
- Full profile: Have a full profile! That means face, body, ass and/or dick, pics of past play experiences, text about yourself and what you’re looking for. It is 2015, pics are mandatory get as many as you can and be sure they’re representative. Now, if you’re not out, well then it is ok to tell someone you’re not out, and offer to send a face pic once you’ve seen their face pic so you can be sure you’re not sending it to someone you know.
-Trading Pics: When you want to see someone else’s pics, offer up at least one of yourself first in addition to asking. Don’t wait to be asked, do it automatically as a courtesy. Because of guys who will ask to see your pics and automatically block me, i offer to exchange pics on a one to one ratio. I send a pic of whatever they send me.
No one gets to see my dick unless they send me a pic of their dick or ass first. That way if I’m going to be blocked i can at least see who was so inconsiderate to do that. Speaking of which, it’s ok to politely say ”Thanks so much for trading pics. I’m sorry, but it turns out we’re not a match after all. I wish you best of luck in your search.” and part ways amicably rather than blocking and coming off like a dick. Men talk, it’ll catch up to you eventually.
- If you say you will show up, show up: Everyone complains about flakes, so don’t be one. Never agree to show up if you have no intention of showing up or might not be able to make it. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t show. One of the amazing things about kink is that MOST fantasies can be realized!!! Don’t miss out jacking off at home and being sad when you had someone who wanted to play and you flaked out on them.
I’m also going to be honest and admit, early on that I too flaked on a few guys. The 3rd time it happened, I stopped and thought about why it was I hadn’t hooked up with him or the other two men who had contacted me and been interested. I realized that I was feeling rather neutral on each of them. They weren’t ugly, or rude, but nor was I especially aroused by them. I swore to myself that being aware of the cause I would fix that behavior. Now, when I am neutral on a boy, I don’t commit to meeting up unless something about him really grabs my attention.
Lastly, if something does come up unexpectedly and you really truly cannot make it. Explain what’s going on, admit it makes you sound like a flake, and then ask if it would be possible to schedule another time. If possible do it right then and there, be aggressive about narrowing down a day and a time to meet up that works for you both. When the day comes, send a short message just confirming you’re still on, and then show.
- Respond to messages: Some guys sign online and they have so many messages they can’t possibly respond to them all. MUST BE NICE ;)! For the rest of us, let’s be honest and polite with each other upfront. If someone takes the time to message (and they are not rude) you should respond because it’s what you’d want from someone you are into. When I’m disinterested in the person messaging me, I let them know. If I’m not digging them at all then I’ll write: “Sorry, but I’m afraid we’re not a match. Best of luck in your search :)!”
If I don’t want to play, but they sound interesting: “I am sorry, but we’re not a match. I am still interested in speaking with you though if you’d like.” And include whatever it was in their profile that drew your attention. Worse comes to worse a new friendship with a fellow kinkster is a valuable thing. Keep in mind that many men don’t make it clear why exactly they’re messaging, even if you’re not into them they may have a question about a kink you enjoy or someone you know. Don’t jump the gun on rejecting anyone until you know they want sex and you don’t.
In the dungeon:
- DO NOT interrupt someone else’s scene: It is usually OK to watch quietly so long as you are not distracting the people playing. If you see someone doing something that is dangerous, find a dungeon monitor and ask them. It is a dungeon monitor’s job to step in if someone is behaving dangerously, not yours. Dungeon monitors often know the players pretty well and you might be surprised how at a glance someone’s scene and say “oh he’s done that 30 times its fine.”
- It’s OK to ask someone about their scene after they’re done: If someone did something particularly amazing in a scene, it is OK to ask if they would like to play with you. It’s also OK to ask about how they did what they did, or where they learned to do it. It’s sometimes OK to ask how they mitigate the dangers in what they do if you’re curious but tread carefully as some alphas have delicate egos and may take that question personally.
In General:
- Learn someone’s title and use it: If you meet someone for the first time and their preferred title is not apparent, then introduce yourself and use your preferred title, and then ask for theirs.
Examples:
- “Hi! I’m sub Ethan! What do you like to be called?”
- “Hi, I’m faggot Sebastian! How may I address you?”
- Be mindful of whom you taunt: Some men will taunt dominants to make them act in a more intense fashion. Some dominants enjoy that kind of mouthing off from submissives but me and others do not. As a dominant I have to maintain a large degree of self control to play safely and respect your limits and pain tolerance.
You taunting me I feel is disrespectful and challenges my self control. I’d rather drop all the toys and walk away than I would engage in that kind of play. In short, do NOT engage in taunting with a dominant you do not know. Respect the fact that a first time play session is often about finding boundaries and exploring, do not expect that they’ll immediately jump into intense play but do be vocal about whether you’re enjoying it or not. Give constant feedback.
Online:
- Full profile: Have a full profile! That means face, body, ass and/or dick, pics of past play experiences, text about yourself and what you’re looking for. It is 2015, pics are mandatory get as many as you can and be sure they’re representative. Now, if you’re not out, well then it is ok to tell someone you’re not out, and offer to send a face pic once you’ve seen their face pic so you can be sure you’re not sending it to someone you know.
-Trading Pics: When you want to see someone else’s pics, offer up at least one of yourself first in addition to asking. Don’t wait to be asked, do it automatically as a courtesy. Because of guys who will ask to see your pics and automatically block me, i offer to exchange pics on a one to one ratio. I send a pic of whatever they send me.
No one gets to see my dick unless they send me a pic of their dick or ass first. That way if I’m going to be blocked i can at least see who was so inconsiderate to do that. Speaking of which, it’s ok to politely say ”Thanks so much for trading pics. I’m sorry, but it turns out we’re not a match after all. I wish you best of luck in your search.” and part ways amicably rather than blocking and coming off like a dick. Men talk, it’ll catch up to you eventually.
- If you say you will show up, show up: Everyone complains about flakes, so don’t be one. Never agree to show up if you have no intention of showing up or might not be able to make it. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t show. One of the amazing things about kink is that MOST fantasies can be realized!!! Don’t miss out jacking off at home and being sad when you had someone who wanted to play and you flaked out on them.
I’m also going to be honest and admit, early on that I too flaked on a few guys. The 3rd time it happened, I stopped and thought about why it was I hadn’t hooked up with him or the other two men who had contacted me and been interested. I realized that I was feeling rather neutral on each of them. They weren’t ugly, or rude, but nor was I especially aroused by them. I swore to myself that being aware of the cause I would fix that behavior. Now, when I am neutral on a boy, I don’t commit to meeting up unless something about him really grabs my attention.
Lastly, if something does come up unexpectedly and you really truly cannot make it. Explain what’s going on, admit it makes you sound like a flake, and then ask if it would be possible to schedule another time. If possible do it right then and there, be aggressive about narrowing down a day and a time to meet up that works for you both. When the day comes, send a short message just confirming you’re still on, and then show.
- Respond to messages: Some guys sign online and they have so many messages they can’t possibly respond to them all. MUST BE NICE ;)! For the rest of us, let’s be honest and polite with each other upfront. If someone takes the time to message (and they are not rude) you should respond because it’s what you’d want from someone you are into. When I’m disinterested in the person messaging me, I let them know. If I’m not digging them at all then I’ll write: “Sorry, but I’m afraid we’re not a match. Best of luck in your search :)!”
If I don’t want to play, but they sound interesting: “I am sorry, but we’re not a match. I am still interested in speaking with you though if you’d like.” And include whatever it was in their profile that drew your attention. Worse comes to worse a new friendship with a fellow kinkster is a valuable thing. Keep in mind that many men don’t make it clear why exactly they’re messaging, even if you’re not into them they may have a question about a kink you enjoy or someone you know. Don’t jump the gun on rejecting anyone until you know they want sex and you don’t.
In the dungeon:
- DO NOT interrupt someone else’s scene: It is usually OK to watch quietly so long as you are not distracting the people playing. If you see someone doing something that is dangerous, find a dungeon monitor and ask them. It is a dungeon monitor’s job to step in if someone is behaving dangerously, not yours. Dungeon monitors often know the players pretty well and you might be surprised how at a glance someone’s scene and say “oh he’s done that 30 times its fine.”
- It’s OK to ask someone about their scene after they’re done: If someone did something particularly amazing in a scene, it is OK to ask if they would like to play with you. It’s also OK to ask about how they did what they did, or where they learned to do it. It’s sometimes OK to ask how they mitigate the dangers in what they do if you’re curious but tread carefully as some alphas have delicate egos and may take that question personally.
Have a question or need a friendly ear?
Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com!
And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.
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