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Keeping in mind, that BDSM relationships are very flexible, and what doesn’t work for one person, might work for another. So any of my personal stories or opinions are completely optional. However, there are things through the BDSM community that absolutely SHOULD be standard, and absolutely SHOULD be mandatory.
In this first guide, I’m not going to cover types of D/s M/s relationships, because I believe each deserve their own guide, and I’ll be writing those out systematically over the next week or so. This guide is just going to be about terminology, what should and shouldn’t be, what needs to be, and basic safety.
I’m also never going to talk about Gorean (a fictional fucking book) practices, because personally I find them fucking dangerous, so if that’s what you’re looking for, please look elsewhere.
First and foremost, if you’re going to take part in anything BDSM related, you need to know yourself, and you need to know your partner. If you’re looking to get into the community, but you haven’t had any experience, before jumping into an ownership, I suggest you join fetlife, and try to find some munches in your community. NOT PLAY PARTIES. MUNCHES.
A munch is just a gathering, where people interested in ______ get together, chat, and eat. They’re usually hosted in public places, so that newcomers feel at ease. So find yourself a publicly hosted munch, and get yourself out there talking to people.
So before I actually start talking about the meat of it, some things to know are.
BDSM | Bondage/Discipline. Dominance/Submission. Sadism/Masochism.
When it comes to BDSM, everything is really pick and choose - you do not have to be interested in the B/D or the S/M to want to partake in the D/s aspects. You don’t have to enjoy being tied up, to want to be owned. You don’t have to enjoy being whipped, to enjoy being owned. People have such a misconception; oh like being whipped and handcuffed?
Nope, that’s on you and your partner. If you’re not interested in being tied up, make it a limit.
You do not have. To do anything. You are not comfortable. Doing. End of.
SSC | Safe Sane Consensual
Kind of an obvious practice within the BDSM community - but, you will meet people that say they don’t practice this. Don’t, just don’t say it’s not needed, because it is. Without SSC, you’re just in an abusive relationship. While not everything in BDSM is safe (knife play, edge play, breath play for instance) it needs to have a level of safety; which just means you know how to practice this safely. It’s the difference between skydiving with, and without lessons.
RACK | Risk Aware Consensual Kink
Much like SSC, it’s absolutely needed, if you ask me personally. Every single one of my BDSM relationships have been both SSC and RACK practicing. This one is pretty simple to understand - and while it’s not needed for things as simple as missionary sex, if you’re going to be playing with breath play, what RACK means, is that you and your Dominant have talked about the risks of the play, you’re both aware of the potential harms, and you’re both interested in exploring the kink.
If one party says, yeah, never mind - it is no longer consensual, and if your Dominant forces you to explore this kink without your consent. It is rape; and you’re not in a fucking safe environment.
PRICK | Personal Risk Informed, Consensual Kink
This, in my opinion is probably one of the most important things you can stick to. PERSONAL RISK INFORMED - this means that you, either the Dominant or the submissive, have been smart enough to look up the risks of whatever play you’re getting into. Which means you UNDERSTAND what you’re doing.
I have this thing that I believe; if you don’t understand it, don’t do it. So this really tickles my fancy. Personally, I’m a big fan of breath play, and I’ve played with it, I’ve done my research, I know what risks I am putting onto my submissive, and I know how to hold a neck properly, be it with a belt or my damn hands. BUT if my submissive doesn’t understand the risks, if they don’t know about breath play - I’m not going to do it, until they’ve bothered to do some fucking research.
TPE | Total Power Exchange
This is a term used mostly between a Master/Mistress and their slave. It means what it says - total power exchange. A M/s relationship is usually a lot different than D/s relationships, because slaves (most, not all) choose to forgo essentially any rights. They become the property of their Master/Mistress, and no longer own themselves. While it seems harsh, it’s what they choose, because it’s what makes them happy. I’m not going to delve too deep into TPE right now, because it’ll be addressed further in the Master/Mistress - slave guides.
CNC | Consensual Non-Consent
This is a big deal to me, because it’s risky, and it’s serious. CNC is what it says, consensual non-consent; you’re literally forking over your ability to say no. There are CNC relationships, and CNC scenes.
With a CNC relationship, the Dominant and the submissive agree on the terms of their relationship before the start of it. Usually in contract form, or at least it should be. When you’re giving up your rights to say no to someone, it’s important that your circumstances are written out in contract form. Because, while your relationship is CNC - which means your Dom/me can essentially do what they fucking want, you need to have terms that are… “Enough is enough”. I’ll cover CNC a lot more in depth later; but CNC relationships as a whole are usually pretty frowned upon, because abuse can happen real easily. Generally it’s more of a M/s thing, which I’m not personally into, but I do know my fair share about.
CNC scenes are a little more acceptable within the BDSM community, because there is a start, and a finish. It’s usually planned out beforehand, which makes up for the CONSENSUAL part. PRICK/RACK is really pertinent to a CNC scene. CNC is fairly dangerous either way, especially if you’re with someone new, or someone that you’re not EXTREMELY comfortable with.
A LOT of people refer to rape play as CNC - but they’re two fucking different things, and they need to stay that way.
As a Dominant, or a submissive, there are a few things you really need to understand, beyond the above. Limits and safe words are just the founding bricks to an ownership.
Contract
Please have a contract. Please, for the love of the lifestyle, have a contract. It doesn’t need to be extensive, but it should exist. A lot of people forgo a contract, because they don’t think it’s important. But it really is. A lot of BDSM acts are actually illegal, and considered abuse. Having a legally binding contract, showing what you’ve agreed to - and what your partner has agreed to, which can really help against any legal issues. Or, if your partner abuses the contract, it can help put them behind bars where they deserve to be.
A contract should outline the terms of the relationship, and it needs to have the submissives safe words (WORDS NOT JUST ONE), safe signs, and hard limits. This contract should not be broken, not in the slightest.
The contract should be revised by all parties in the relationship every so often, in case safe words change, or limits expand, anything. It needs to be revised. But then again I’m big on sitting down every once and a while with your partner and talking over the workings of your relationship; what could be improved, what is perfect as is, what they want to see eliminated, and what might be nice to add.
Limits
Are. The most important thing. In a fucking BDSM relationship. If someone says they have “no limits" - you need to talk to them, and you need to make them understand how dangerous that is. There are things in the kink-verse that aren’t safe, at all. Make sure the submissive understands they need to have limits, even if it’s as basic as “no children" or “no drugs" - because there ARE people that will take advantage of a “no limits" contract - even if that means breaking the law, or otherwise…
Limits are so basic, but so important. If you’re not sure about limits, you need to talk to your Dom about that, but there are basic things you should understand. Find a list of kinks - whatever makes you feel really uncomfortable reading about should probably be on your limits list.
There is a difference between hard limits and soft limits, though, and you should have a list of both.
A hard limit is a limit that is absolutely untouchable. I’ll use my ex as an example, because it just fucking works.
One of her hard limits was knife play - she hated knives, the idea of one along her flesh just scared the shit out of her, and it wasn’t enjoyable whatsoever. As a respectful Dom, I would never try and force her into knife play - despite the fact I enjoy it. I wouldn’t ever bring it up, because that’s something she doesn’t want. The only time a hard limit can be pressed, is if the submissive brings it up, and asks to try. Otherwise, it’s your duty as a Dominant, and a human being, to respect your subs wishes.
Soft limits are pliable. Going with my ex again, one of her soft limits was breath play when we met - which was shit, because breath play is like, my favorite thing in the world. Anyway, it was a soft limit: which means, she doesn’t want to jump full force into it, she’s not really interested in it, but I was allowed to push gently. And I did; but, I respected her safe words while exploring it. If she asked me to stop, I stopped. After a few months of easing her into the waters, she was begging for my hand wrapped around her neck. A lot of times though, soft limits can become hard limits, because they’re not enjoyable to the submissive.
Respect it.
Safe Words / Safe Actions.
These, as with limits, are absolutely important in any D/s M/s relationship. Even more so than limits, honestly. A safe word is something other than no - that means stop; because sometimes, no isn’t… no. And having your submissive in tears might make you want to stop, but this is why safe words exist. Sometimes no is just play; and if you keep stopping to go “wait no?“ it’s gunna end up being shit.
Personally, I suggest having three safe words. This is to be discussed between the submissive and the Dominant, though. My rule is three. One safe word for stop. One safe word for slow down / I need a break. And one safe word for I’m uncomfortable. For me, it’s important to know when enough is enough, when you just need a breather, or if you just need a hug, to readjust, and get back to it.
Safe actions are the same - but really you only need one that means - I need to speak - at least this is the rule for me. A safe action is a scene pause, so I can pull out your gag, or whatever is making you silent, and you can tell me what you need; be it just a sip of water, or a full stop. A common safe action is touching your thumb to your index finger like a pincer. If you don’t have your hands available to you, bringing a knee to your chest is also something to consider.
If you’re fully restrained, with no voice and no body movements available, your Dominant needs to be the responsible one and stop every so often to make sure you’re alright with the scene.
Pre-play
AFFFFFFFFFFFFLSKGDSJG SO MANY PEOPLE IGNORE THIS. If you’re just having sex, alright fine you don’t need it. But if you’re playing with the whips and paddles. Please for the love of all that is holy, sit down and talk to your submissive before you do it. So they know what is going to happen. If you want it to be a surprise, that’s okay too, but before any major session, you need to make sure you’re both up to date with safe words, limits, and make sure your submissive is in the mental state to handle any serious play.
Make sure you talk about anything that needs to be talked about - make sure SSC / RACK / PRICK are in play. Make sure they’re not in the wrong mindset to endure whatever you’re going to give them. This is just as important as limits - KNOW your fucking submissive.
After play meetings
Not mandatory, but it’s something I’ve always done. No, after you fuck, you don’t need to sit down and talk about it. But, if you and your partner are doing something new; electrical play for instance, you do need to sit down and talk about how it went. Was it good, do you want to try more? Was it bad, should we add that to limits? The key to ANY relationship is communication, don’t forget that in BDSM.
Aftercare
This is different for everyone, but it’s mandatory in my mind. You, as a submissive, might not want aftercare, you might just want to be left alone after a rough scene, but as a Dominant, you need to KNOW what your submissive wants.
Say, as a Dominant, you’ve just brought your little sub through the god damn mill. Paddle to the behind, leaving them red and writhing, in pain and sensitive. Now, you need to know what your submissive needs - because aftercare is where you should be softer, and gentle. This is not your choice, this is your submissives. If they need ice cream and a Disney movie, that’s what the fuck you do.
If they need you to hold them while they cry, that’s what you do. The final is, if they need it, you do it.
This isn’t even the tip of the BDSM iceberg. I have to cover the types of relationships, the types of play, the risks and dangers of different kinks. Oh shit there are going to be so fucking many of these guides. But for now, these are the bare basics…
Above all, I speak mostly from a Dominant perspective.
So if you’re reading this as a submissive. I literally only have one thing to tell you, and that is STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. If your Dominant is abusing your safe words and limits, if you feel like the relationship is more give on your part, and take on theirs, if you’re uncomfortable, if you feel like you’re being abused. YOU NEED TO ADDRESS IT.
If you’re in a dangerous situation, if your Dominant SCARES you - get the fuck out of there. “I am your Master” is never an excuse for abuse.
As a submissive you are the one with the power. Without you, a Dominant has nothing - you can take the power away as easily as you give it. You hold the cards, you are giving your entire being; and if you’re not shown respect, then your submission is not deserved.
As a submissive, you DO NOT HAVE TO BOW TO EVERYONE. If someone walks up to you, and says on your knees, little girl - you don’t have to listen. You are submissive, you are not a fucking toy. You are submissive to the one you CHOOSE to submit to.
No one has power over you. Unless you give it.
A contract should outline the terms of the relationship, and it needs to have the submissives safe words (WORDS NOT JUST ONE), safe signs, and hard limits. This contract should not be broken, not in the slightest.
The contract should be revised by all parties in the relationship every so often, in case safe words change, or limits expand, anything. It needs to be revised. But then again I’m big on sitting down every once and a while with your partner and talking over the workings of your relationship; what could be improved, what is perfect as is, what they want to see eliminated, and what might be nice to add.
Limits
Are. The most important thing. In a fucking BDSM relationship. If someone says they have “no limits" - you need to talk to them, and you need to make them understand how dangerous that is. There are things in the kink-verse that aren’t safe, at all. Make sure the submissive understands they need to have limits, even if it’s as basic as “no children" or “no drugs" - because there ARE people that will take advantage of a “no limits" contract - even if that means breaking the law, or otherwise…
Limits are so basic, but so important. If you’re not sure about limits, you need to talk to your Dom about that, but there are basic things you should understand. Find a list of kinks - whatever makes you feel really uncomfortable reading about should probably be on your limits list.
There is a difference between hard limits and soft limits, though, and you should have a list of both.
A hard limit is a limit that is absolutely untouchable. I’ll use my ex as an example, because it just fucking works.
One of her hard limits was knife play - she hated knives, the idea of one along her flesh just scared the shit out of her, and it wasn’t enjoyable whatsoever. As a respectful Dom, I would never try and force her into knife play - despite the fact I enjoy it. I wouldn’t ever bring it up, because that’s something she doesn’t want. The only time a hard limit can be pressed, is if the submissive brings it up, and asks to try. Otherwise, it’s your duty as a Dominant, and a human being, to respect your subs wishes.
Soft limits are pliable. Going with my ex again, one of her soft limits was breath play when we met - which was shit, because breath play is like, my favorite thing in the world. Anyway, it was a soft limit: which means, she doesn’t want to jump full force into it, she’s not really interested in it, but I was allowed to push gently. And I did; but, I respected her safe words while exploring it. If she asked me to stop, I stopped. After a few months of easing her into the waters, she was begging for my hand wrapped around her neck. A lot of times though, soft limits can become hard limits, because they’re not enjoyable to the submissive.
Respect it.
Safe Words / Safe Actions.
These, as with limits, are absolutely important in any D/s M/s relationship. Even more so than limits, honestly. A safe word is something other than no - that means stop; because sometimes, no isn’t… no. And having your submissive in tears might make you want to stop, but this is why safe words exist. Sometimes no is just play; and if you keep stopping to go “wait no?“ it’s gunna end up being shit.
Personally, I suggest having three safe words. This is to be discussed between the submissive and the Dominant, though. My rule is three. One safe word for stop. One safe word for slow down / I need a break. And one safe word for I’m uncomfortable. For me, it’s important to know when enough is enough, when you just need a breather, or if you just need a hug, to readjust, and get back to it.
Safe actions are the same - but really you only need one that means - I need to speak - at least this is the rule for me. A safe action is a scene pause, so I can pull out your gag, or whatever is making you silent, and you can tell me what you need; be it just a sip of water, or a full stop. A common safe action is touching your thumb to your index finger like a pincer. If you don’t have your hands available to you, bringing a knee to your chest is also something to consider.
If you’re fully restrained, with no voice and no body movements available, your Dominant needs to be the responsible one and stop every so often to make sure you’re alright with the scene.
Pre-play
AFFFFFFFFFFFFLSKGDSJG SO MANY PEOPLE IGNORE THIS. If you’re just having sex, alright fine you don’t need it. But if you’re playing with the whips and paddles. Please for the love of all that is holy, sit down and talk to your submissive before you do it. So they know what is going to happen. If you want it to be a surprise, that’s okay too, but before any major session, you need to make sure you’re both up to date with safe words, limits, and make sure your submissive is in the mental state to handle any serious play.
Make sure you talk about anything that needs to be talked about - make sure SSC / RACK / PRICK are in play. Make sure they’re not in the wrong mindset to endure whatever you’re going to give them. This is just as important as limits - KNOW your fucking submissive.
After play meetings
Not mandatory, but it’s something I’ve always done. No, after you fuck, you don’t need to sit down and talk about it. But, if you and your partner are doing something new; electrical play for instance, you do need to sit down and talk about how it went. Was it good, do you want to try more? Was it bad, should we add that to limits? The key to ANY relationship is communication, don’t forget that in BDSM.
Aftercare
This is different for everyone, but it’s mandatory in my mind. You, as a submissive, might not want aftercare, you might just want to be left alone after a rough scene, but as a Dominant, you need to KNOW what your submissive wants.
Say, as a Dominant, you’ve just brought your little sub through the god damn mill. Paddle to the behind, leaving them red and writhing, in pain and sensitive. Now, you need to know what your submissive needs - because aftercare is where you should be softer, and gentle. This is not your choice, this is your submissives. If they need ice cream and a Disney movie, that’s what the fuck you do.
If they need you to hold them while they cry, that’s what you do. The final is, if they need it, you do it.
This isn’t even the tip of the BDSM iceberg. I have to cover the types of relationships, the types of play, the risks and dangers of different kinks. Oh shit there are going to be so fucking many of these guides. But for now, these are the bare basics…
Above all, I speak mostly from a Dominant perspective.
So if you’re reading this as a submissive. I literally only have one thing to tell you, and that is STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. If your Dominant is abusing your safe words and limits, if you feel like the relationship is more give on your part, and take on theirs, if you’re uncomfortable, if you feel like you’re being abused. YOU NEED TO ADDRESS IT.
If you’re in a dangerous situation, if your Dominant SCARES you - get the fuck out of there. “I am your Master” is never an excuse for abuse.
As a submissive you are the one with the power. Without you, a Dominant has nothing - you can take the power away as easily as you give it. You hold the cards, you are giving your entire being; and if you’re not shown respect, then your submission is not deserved.
As a submissive, you DO NOT HAVE TO BOW TO EVERYONE. If someone walks up to you, and says on your knees, little girl - you don’t have to listen. You are submissive, you are not a fucking toy. You are submissive to the one you CHOOSE to submit to.
No one has power over you. Unless you give it.
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