This article is part of my Mentoring for Tops/Sirs/Doms/Masters curriculum.
UPDATE 2: Here is the audio from the follow-up discussion on this topic. We have some GREAT new stars among us! Last time I checked Google Analytics, this article has been read over 300,000 times.
My goal is to teach the reader how to be a superb Top, with eager bottoms singing his (or her) praises. The steps that I list below can be accomplished in a few short minutes, or it may take months, but the end-result is a piggy, grateful bottom that can take a cock of any size without drugs, stretching, harm or pain of any kind. Being a gay man, I write from that perspective, but not with any intent of trying to exclude anybody.
Question: In the event that you play with a bottom who is very inexperienced and hasn't bottomed much (or at all), do you give him a some time (a few minutes or so) to get used to you when you first start to fuck, or do you just thrown him into the deep end of the pool and take him to pound town?If somebody takes an inexperienced bottom and intentionally takes him directly to Pound Town without negotiating exactly that beforehand, then he deserves to be chased away with rocks thrown at his head. Why? Because I have spent the last four decades helping damaged, frightened men to get back in touch with their assholes as sexual playthings, after years of avoidance.
Too many men are doing what dogs do, which is to jump on, pump, squirt and then jump off. It's great for the Top.
It can easily be terrible/traumatic/damaging for the shy, new, eager and inexperienced bottom. I speak from direct experience. I've always had freakishly large, attractive rump-muscles. My nickname used to be Thunder Buns. So, in my younger days experimenting with gay sex, I'd let men fuck my ass.
I'd bite the pillow, bleed, suffer for days afterward, and regret having given up pussy for dick. I figured it was somehow MY fault, because I wasn't keeping up. Then, one day, my life changed:
I was off-duty (Navy) and staying off-base in an apartment building. It was laundry day, and a small, mousy and not-all-that-attractive man was working HARD to get me to have sex with him. I finally gave in, figuring that I'd throw him a thrill. Oh, I was so wrong.
He rocked my WORLD. I basically became his butt-slave for three weeks. I'm naturally inclined to be a Top, but I wanted to learn from the obvious expert, and he taught me some deep wisdom. Here is a summary, for those of you who want to be a popular, well-rated Top, with plenty of word-of-mouth referrals:
• ASSUME that the guy you're about to play with, is eager, inexperienced and needing some seduction. Don't assume that he's an experienced porn-actor who can take anything from anybody. Be pleasantly surprised if he proves otherwise, but it's never a bad idea to start slow and careful.
• Stick a well-lubed finger up his ass, with a SHORT, SMOOTH NAIL. If I see heteroporn with a woman sticking blood-red talons up a guy's ass, I cringe. The flesh down there is delicate. There are multiple, excellent reasons for sticking a lubricated finger up there:
• Check to see if he's relaxed and ready. If his outer ass-ring is CLENCHED, he's not ready yet. The problem is not down in his ass, it's between his ears. Maybe he's afraid, or he's been hurt before, or he doesn't trust you yet. So, it's your job to seduce him into relaxing. More below.
• Adding some well-needed lube. Dry fucks, using nothing but "spit and determination" are classic porn-video fantasies, but again, we can't assume that our newest partner is at that advanced stage. As we used to say back in the 1970's, "if it's not dripping off of the ceiling, it's not enough lube!"
• Checking to see if he's got any poop up there. Yes, from an aesthetic standpoint, it is unpleasant, but from a relaxed-butt standpoint, it's very unhelpful. I don't know how scientifically accurate this next assertion is, but it's what I learned a long time ago from some VERY advanced players: There is a bundle of nerves at the base of your spine, that keeps you from pooping when you walk. If there is poop in your lower bowel, your asshole will clench, whether you want it to, or not. There are zillions of articles on the Internet on how to douche an ass.
Let's talk about Operant Conditioning, in the context of butt-sex:
I'll call it "Positive Reinforcement", instead. To train a shy, new, eager bottom to CRAVE more, I have to take him through many steps, with patience and respect, giving rewards for behavior that moves the ball forward, and gently ignoring the stuff that doesn't work at the moment.
As a high-quality Top, MY job is to seduce the bottom. What does this mean? Establishing Trust with a Capital T. Being true with my feelings and thoughts, from moment to moment. Staying in communication. NOT using "Porn Dialog" ("Fuck Yeah. Fuck Yeah"), if it's not truly what I'm feeling.
Every one of us has a voice inside our heads, telling us to beware what is happening, or to tell ourselves that we are surely going to fail, or that maybe the guy we are playing with thinks our dick/belly/ass/back is too hairy/big/small/old/whatever. That noise is also in your new bottom's head, and it wants to tell him that he is heading for a brick wall. YOUR job is to talk openly, honestly and affectionately about your feelings and desires from moment to moment. Why? Because it silences and stills the voice inside his head, and he's GRATEFUL for the relief.
If I'm playing with a man's ass for the first time, I reward him for each stage that he attains in his new status as a piggy bottom:
• If his ass is tight enough to sharpen pencils, I will stimulate the OUTSIDE with pleasurable attention, using tongue and fingers. The dick does NOT show up at this stage. Oh, no. We don't want any panic at this early stage. I will praise how well he is doing, no matter how small the accomplishment. I tell him that I'm okay if we DON'T actually fuck until the second or third date (or a month!), which takes the pressure off of him to catch up faster than he is prepared for, mentally. It also gives him the pleasurable knowledge that there is more to look forward to, with this REALLY nice, respectful Top.
• If he's starting to relax a bit, I will use the phrase "Breathe me in", while starting to penetrate him with my smallest finger. If he clenches/spasms, STOP MOVING. No pulling out, no pushing in. It's a normal response. Once his ass stops spasming, praise him for relaxing, and help him to know how he is progressing.
• If he has taken the smallest finger well, slowly pull out, re-lube and then bring it on back in. There shouldn't be any spasming at this point. Praise him for being looser than before, but only if you mean it. He can spot bullshit. Your goal is to take him through the stages, with no rush or pressure.
Why am I taking such a (literally) "slow-poke" approach? Because of the possibility of PTSD. Too many men have been damaged by inept Tops. Always assume that he is begging you to help him get past it. Continuing:
It's the same with an ass.
Normally, we poop (and occasionally, fart) with our asses. We are NOT born with the knowledge of how to relax our ass. How do I know? If I order a man to "RELAX THAT ASS", there is no telling what he'll do in his attempts to comply. He might get it right, and, many times, he won't. It's your job to help him find the switch inside his own head, so that his ass can be receptive, welcoming and eager, any time.
To accomplish this noble goal, we generously use praise, when it is earned. If he graduates to your longest finger, have him go on hands and knees and switch to your thumb, with a nail that is equally smoothly-trimmed and sandpapered. This is where it gets really FUN.
DON'T offer him drugs, including poppers. They cause the scared part of his brain to get ignored, sure, but they also cause the pain-receptor part of his brain to keep from screaming "DAMAGE!" I'd rather have 1% of true, connected and ecstatic sex, than 100% of the fake shit involving drugs. I remind the reader: I started having sex (with thousands of men) in the 1970's, with the hardest of hardcore players. I know about drugs, and the cost. They truly are not necessary.So, it's thumb time: Your goal is to EROTICIZE ass-play for this man, and many times, it will be his first experience of such a thing. You are doing him a world of good, so press onwards. Lube up his cock really well, insert your thumb in his ass, and start (gently) twiddling his prostate. Rub in circles directly on top of it. Or, press on the closest part of the prostate, and rub from side to side.
If he complains that he needs to pee, accept it graciously, but chances are very good that he needs no such thing. He's so unfamiliar with prostate-stimulation that he can't sub-divide the sensations enough to tell what he's feeling. This will pass.
If your thumb is comfortably, non-painfully inside his ass, order him (in a no-nonsense manner) to start playing with his dick. If his prostate gets all swollen and rock-hard, tell him to leave his dick alone, because that is a flashing-red-light signal that he is about to cum. That means that you are being successful in teaching him that his ass is for sexual pleasure. Keep supporting more and more excitement, and edging him closer, but not necessarily to orgasm.
However, if he DOES cum with something up his ass, tell him "Don't hold back! Give me everything!" Why? Because you are training him to be delighted that his ass is a source of sexual pleasure. If he cums as a direct result of what you are doing, you're a hero in his eyes. This is all to the good.
The next part is up to you:
Your goal is to get him ready for the Main Event, whether it's your cock, or a dildo, or whatever. If you have a sizable object to insert, the bottom has to be comfortable with a certain number of fingers up his ass first, matching the diameter of the Object of Desire. This may happen on Date Number One, or it may take patient, multiple trainings over weeks, using ever-slightly-larger toys, or groups of fingers, starting with two fingers, and moving up to three if necessary.
Keep being patient, and keep using the techniques I mentioned above this. This is training and seduction. You're creating beautiful new possibilities for a man that wants VERY much to earn your respect, and to give you every kind of pleasure.
What porn does NOT show you: That skinny twink has to get his ass ready with a series of ever-larger dildos, sometimes for hours, before he can take that monster cock. That process never shows up in the video, because it's not sexy. However, it's crucial.You may have noticed something in my writing - I haven't talked about the Top's orgasms. There will be plenty of those, and they'll be great, because you'll soon be fucking an eager, butt-hungry bottom-boy who LOVES what you do. First, you have to get the bottom TRAINED. Set it as a goal that he will NEVER endure even the slightest pain. He will repay you many times over, and you'll be SUCH a happy Sir!