Thursday, August 9, 2018

Moving My Primary Base of Operations Onto Tumblr

I will not be neglecting this blog… I'm just shifting my main focus onto Tumblr.  Why there, of all places?  It's just full of jack-off material, right?

It's ALSO where men pass through in vast numbers, all day, every day.  If somebody (living anywhere on earth) stumbles across an article about how to deal with common issues for kinksters, he might be gratified, and stick around to find out more.  The numbers of such men are growing quickly.


Why does this mean so much to me?

For decades, I have had a huge fire in my belly to heal the wounds of the Gay Leathermen's Tribe that I love so much.  We are still reeling in disarray from so many deaths among us.  Yeah, such an impractical, unachievable goal is way too big for any human being, but that has never stopped me.  No small dreams, ever.

I have never stopped experimenting, to try and find effective ways to help promote relationships and satisfying lives among my fellow kinksters.  This new Tumblr arena is very, very promising.  I am compelled to go further and deeper into this new meeting-space.

There are vast numbers of porn sites promoting toxic, unpleasant and unethical concepts.  A bunch of excellent men are now helping to promote healthy, balanced and pleasing alternatives.

Stop on by, and check it out!

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Developing An Allergy To Abuse

Can u tell if someone isn’t a good dom and will probably hurt u?
Here is the problem.  You CAN’T, all by yourself.  As I have said before:  It takes a village to raise up a healthy, happy kinkster.  There are bad people out there.  Every generation has them…  You can either learn by harmful experience, or you can find support among trusted friends and THEY will have your back.

As I have said in a previous article, belonging to a group of like-minded folks can cut WAY down on being victimized by folks who get pleasure from abusing eager, open-hearted and innocent types. Your friends and allies will warn you about known abusers, and drive them away, either by shunning, or actively accusing them to their face.

Most folks don’t take the second approach, but I always have.  Sometimes, the only thing that a bully respects is a bigger bully.  I am very protective by nature.

Study Materials For Newbie Submissives:

A list of what to watch for contains topics like Gaslighting, Narcissists, and Manipulators.  Do some Google research on all of these topics, so that you develop a permanent allergy to ALL of them.


I went to Google and searched for abusive grooming signals.  I found lots of useful information, and I particularly liked What Is Sexual Grooming? 7 Things to Know About This Abuse Tactic, by Emma Sarran Webster.  She’s talking about folks who even younger than you, but it’s the same techniques, no matter what age you are.

Final thought?  If your instincts tell you that somebody is somehow “not right,” BELIEVE IT THE FIRST TIME.

Advice For Younger Submissive Gay Males

From phxboi98:
How does one take first step to being a sub - does one seek a master first or do i need to train myself first? i am young 19 trying to get into the scene.
Thanks for reaching out, young brother.  I assume that you live near Phoenix, Arizona, based upon your Tumblr handle.  I mention this, because "Pups" and "Boys of Leather" groups can be found in major cities.  I like such groups - young men like you can safely gain useful wisdom that will be of good use to you for the rest of your life:

Arizona Pups & Handlers (A-PAH) http://www.a-pah.org
Phoenix Boys of Leather  http://phoenixboysofleather.com

I found both of those links instantly by using Google.  I searched for Arizona leather boys and Arizona leather pups.


When I was your age, there was no such thing as "Puppy Play" and things like that.  As an old man, I am the last person to be qualified to judge the Pups or Boys (never having been one), but here is my outsider observation:

Groups like these are hugely valuable for younger submissive men.  If we had a larger quantity of kindly, supportive Loving Uncles in our community (like we used to, before AIDS), we would probably not have so many "Puppy Patrol" and "Boys of Leather" groups.

Why?  Because there would be a lot more kindly, accepting and unconditional support, which younger men desperately need.  So, in the absence of external validation from older men, younger men have turned to each other for support.

Being under 21, you can't go to events located in bars.  Luckily, groups like those tend to have non-bar events as well.

You are very smart to seek more useful information.  Ignorance of the culture can be fixed, by seeking out trusted resources.

Friday, August 3, 2018

Real Life Is Not A Porn Video. Adjust Your Expectations Accordingly.

A man that I am mentoring says:
I had a lot of slave boys on Skype and used to make cam sessions but mostly humiliation and degradation of the slaves, not this other kind that i am discovering from u… That to be a Master u have to be compassionate, which i felt out of the place for feeling empathy with the slaves. 
In real life as i told have met only 5 sub guys of all ages and only with the last one who was older then me we met several times until he decided to ignore me without explanation. But ur blog and wisdom which comes from real experience has opened my eyes.
Initially the first days on Tumblr too, pages which suggested that subs are less than real men, just to be used and abused and thrown away etc etc.
Made me feel real bad. It’s true that i love humiliating, degrading make one feel less than me but just in role play not in real life. I am a tender person who cares deeply for the others and would never do something to make uncomfortable someone out of the play role.
Apparently the lack of experience made me so confused.  Those few man i met were in this kind of thing where u just had to use them and never look back at them. Hooked up with them online sites like cam4 etc
That’s why i think the last sub i had maybe is not attracted to me anymore because the last 2 times i asked him to stay over, and needed someone to take care too just a human being not a worthless piece of shit like he liked to be treated.
But apparently that was his choice of life which i don’t want. I like to be a jerk only in role play but not in real life. I try to do things even that I don’t like just because i know the sub would like it. I don’t like scat but some slaves like it and allowed them to clean my ass after taking a dump etc etc.I am really confused Tony, in this period. 
I have been in relationships only with woman and being kinky with these men i thought it was impossible to have a relationship with a man. Its been almost 3 years now without a relationship just sex and a year in gay sex. But lately feeling the need to share things with someone like in a real relationship
None of what you say surprises me.  You speak for many men.  Be assured that I can help you with thousands of questions. I probably need to write a book on JUST the topic of finding balance as a Sir, a lover and a good man.  I want to be an even stronger advocate in the world for being an Ethical Sadist, who can also be a sweetheart.

First, a book recommendation link:  King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Robert Moore.  Every time that I read it, I learn more about how to be a healthy, mature masculine man. I am a better Sir as a result.

Our kinky gay-male subculture is starving for leaders, role-models and mentors.  Do an experiment:  Do an Internet search for the phrase “tumblr kinky gay mentoring”  - The results are nearly all extreme fantasy crap that does not feed the soul of the sensitive, perceptive and ethical Sir.

The ONE exception that shows up?  Me.  My writings.  I’m it.  That’s an upsetting thing.  Some men who didn’t show up, but who SHOULD, are my good buddies @realpowerexchange and @breederofbetas.  They are good men and fine Sirs who are just as committed to helping others have happier lives.

I’ve been saying for years that this is all because of AIDS.  The men who knew the most, were the first ones to die, and were not replaced.  So, two entire generations have risen up since those days without loving, kindly and wise mentors.  Dozens of such men used to be a BIG part of my own personal growth… and then they all died.

Tumblr is a SHITTY role-model.  When there is no other source of useful knowledge, no wonder there are so few long-term couples and Leather Families at Folsom Street Fair.  Just large amounts of men in great need of being claimed.

I am going to make a dangerous, risky declaration:

Kink, Leather and Fetish, done right, is just Extreme Intimacy.

Why would this be risky? Because the vast majority of the discussion online says that a Dom should be like a light switch:  always ready to turn on.  There is almost nothing out there on the Internet supporting the sensitive, perceptive Dom, who needs to be the full expression of a man:


On one end, vulnerable, and emotionally accessible.  On the other, hardcore Sadist - and, everywhere in between, as needed.

Any submissive who doesn’t know this needs to learn it, right now:  If you put your prospective Sir into a box of preconceptions and then nail down the cover, you are robbing yourself of a deep, long-term relationship.  If you want a perfect play-partner who never, ever fails you, I suggest getting one of these:


Okay.  I’m done complaining.  I just hear from so many lonely subs and Sirs.  I wish that I could take 100% of what I have learned and give it away, so that others can be just as satisfied and fulfilled.

There are TWO things, and two things ONLY, that cause long-term relationships to stay together forever.  Kindness and Generosity.  Science has proven this beyond all doubt.  Yes, you can have that, AND wildly kinky fun.  One does not preclude the other.  I can’t imagine what treating a sub like shit has to do with any of that.

I have a long-term husband (together 28 years) and two slaves (7.5 and 3.5 years).  We are in perfect harmony.  No bitchiness, no jealousy.  How do we manage this?  We have ALL read the Official Shop Manual for lifelong gay-male relationships:  The Male Couple - How Relationships Develop, by Drew Mattison and David MacWhirter.  It’s out of print, but widely available in used condition, online.  It helped all of us to get past insecurity/jealousy issues that our culture promotes.

I have had nineteen collared boys and six owned slaves since 1977.  I have never felt the desire to treat any of them like something that I would scrape off of my shoe, and THAT’S OKAY.  I grew up in a violently abusive childhood, and I know the cost of mental, physical, sexual and emotional cruelty.  So, I don’t do those things, and THAT’S OKAY, TOO.  Not being part of those stereotypes does not make me a bad, flawed, insufficient or fake Sir.

My mentoring articles reflect this same philosophy, and they go back many years.  My hope is to keep contributing to them for many MORE years.

I’m a really, REALLY good, satisfying and powerful Dom.  I am sensitive, perceptive, and a hell of a lot of creative fun.  If any of this sounds like you, then stick around, brother.  Send me questions.  I am a champion for men like us.