Monday, February 26, 2018

Creating a Celebration… Earning a Master's Cap.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

Papa Tony:

UPDATE:  Now that this event is over, I have added a few photos to show what happened, and here is my speech from the opening part of the ceremony:

Speech for Cover Ceremony

I love San Diego’s kink, Leather & Fetish community.  As of this month, I have been a part of it for 41 years.

Back when my journey started, I was very blessed to have dozens of loving uncles. By this, I mean older gay leathermen who cared about my well-being, and wanted me to succeed. They taught me about interpersonal dynamics, and how to have transcendental sex and kinky play. 

I was in paradise. I had never had such unconditional love from male role-models. I will never stop blessing their memories. 

When they all died of AIDS, we ALL suffered as a result. The ones who knew the most, were the first to go, and were not replaced. This is a terrible wound in our tribal culture. 

As you may know, I’ve worked very hard over the decades to bring people together in kindness and camaraderie.  This work has been my therapy for the wound in my heart. 

Now that I am too old to organize big events, I have found new purpose in life as a Tribal Elder.  I have had no role-models in this work, because they died before passing on crucial wisdom about growing old.  I’ve had to make a lot of it up, because nobody has risen up to guide me as the years have raced by. 

My self-assigned job as an Elder is to:

Notice, and 

This means that decades of experience in volunteering and leadership help me to see subtleties and nuances that pass right by most folks. 

Let’s say somebody shines like a star in a very pleasing way. They step way out of their comfort-zone, take big chances, and succeed. Many times, that heroic effort may just go unnoticed in our distracting culture. 

Whenever possible, that’s when I step in. My policy is:
If it is...

Necessary, and 

Say it now!

I’m always on alert for the new, rising star. If my intuition clangs like a bell, my head whips around, and I focus upon the person who is practically vibrating with talent and possibilities. 
I focus upon them, establish trust, and help them in any way that I can. I make no claims to perfection. I’m a fragile human like anyone else. 

However, I never take a day off from being the old guy with the pom-poms. It is my purpose in life to be the supportive wind beneath the wings of others. 

My goal is to bring back that cycle of mentoring between the generations, and that helped ME so much. We can’t leave it to chance to nurture new leaders, role-models and future mentors. 
Mentoring is an active verb, and we all have something to contribute to those in need of what we can share. Long after we are all dead and gone, the ripples of positive change that we co-create will spread around the world. 

Tonight is special in the work that I do.  When the folks under my wing achieve new heights of character and courage, I like to celebrate the news with my very favorite friends. This means you. 

You can appreciate integrity, heart and hard-earned achievement, because you have lived it.  These young men that I present to you tonight are rising among us as admirable, lovable, respectable and honorable additions to a thriving and ethical local culture. 

Tonight, let’s celebrate them!

Here is the publicity leading up to the event:

On Sunday, March 18th, starting at 5PM, I will be celebrating a very special occasion.  I am planning a Naming and Cover Ceremony for our brothers Rein and Nate, who will both be in San Diego during San Diego Leather Pride Weekend.

Photos from a previous, similar ceremony.

Both men have diligently applied themselves, to my great satisfaction.  I am entirely confident in their worthiness and skill-set.  I see no reason to delay further.

If you would like to be a part of this San Diego event, please send an RSVP to papatony AT mac DOT com.  It's a buffet-style Italian dinner meal, with a cost of $25 per person.  Since this is NOT a fund-raiser, 100% of the cost is for the food, and there is always a lot of extra food to take home.

Since there is limited seating, ONLY folks who RSVP by March 10th, 2018 may attend.  I will also reveal WHERE the event will be held.

Many good people of the community will be attending. Please help us celebrate those who are actively contributing value to our excellent local Tribe!

Awarding A Master's Cap (AKA Cover)

As you may already know, I mentor a LOT of gay men, in varying degrees.  Once in a while, I will take a man all of the way through to earning his Master's Cap.

Are there ways to earn different types of leather? Like you have to complete training for a cap and the a different training for boot or a vest? Do they need different styles of training or topics to learn about, and master?
I can only speak for myself.    In order to earn a Master's Cap, the man has to prove his courage, his initiative, his kindness, his willingness to step way out of his comfort-zone, and many other things that demonstrate his character.


Because somebody can study hard skills on YouTube, but then be dead inside when it comes to being a high-quality Sir for high-quality submissives.  

It is my highly-biased opinion that the man who is fully-expressed in his emotions and empathy, and who understands interpersonal relationships, who makes the best Sir, leader and role-model to lead our Tribe into its next phase.

I look for the best-possible Man of the Tribe, when I work somebody through months of intensive, dedicated training, before he earns his cover.

Earning Leathers

Thanks for the info! I was just curious if you earn a belt, then gloves, shirt, etc. in a specific order. Or if each item represents a skill or milestone you’ve passed.
Please understand:

As a Tribal Elder, I always have to customize the feedback and approval to the individual. 

If someone has thoroughly mastered the singletail, I may give him my favorite toy. 

If he has impressed me with his wit, character and social graces, I may award him a vest that looks sensational on him.  

Having earned the vest.

Not being a wealthy man, I can’t afford to do this incredibly often. But I want it to mean something deep for the man, when it happens.

Since the Master’s Cap (otherwise known as a “Cover” is the highest level of approbation, the requirements and procedures are much, MUCH more intensive.  They have to be. Otherwise, it’s just a good-looking trinket to throw on the pile. 

Here is a subset of my criteria (I reserve some Elder mystery, by choice):

The man has to:

- Consciously request the journey toward earning his Master’s Cap. This must be a well-considered, informed and sober choice. 

- Continuously impress me with his eagerness to learn, and his self-driven desire to practice until he masters his skills in public. Why in public?  Because a high-quality Master is a man of the Tribe, and THEIR opinions of him count very highly on the final scorecard. 

- Courage counts. A lot. I intentionally and lovingly create challenges that address areas of personal difficulty. My goal is to help them see that they are much stronger and better than what they feared. 

Blessing a Daddy/boy relationship

- Being a “Gandalf” style of a Sir, I have a bias toward elevating the man who causes joy and excitement whenever he chooses to.  Men like us cause transformational change in the Tribe, often without trying very hard. We make the best leaders, whether it’s with one submissive, or a crowd of happy followers.   That’s my opinion, and I stand by it with decades of proof. 

- These are not hardened rules. I elevate introverts as well. Being a Tenth-Degree Black Belt Extrovert, I also know the value of the man who is quietly effective. Our community needs character in our Sirs, just as much as it needs flashy peacocks like me. :-)

- I have to be SURE, in my deepest heart, that the man is ready. I have ended the journey early for a few men, and it is never easy. I will give a man dozens of chances to prove his worth, but I have no desire to get behind him and shove him along. That helps nobody. I leave the door wide open for him to come back and try again when he feels that he is ready. 

These men are being praised in front of 695 people.

- I do NOT disrespect the man by using words like “should” or “ought to”. When I am at my most conscious about the process, I even prefer not to give advice.  This is because I want to honor what makes that man SPECIAL and valuable... not crank out clones of myself.  His worth comes from his unique ideas, contributions and skill set. Instead of advice, I offer him viable and useful choices. Then, I accept the choices that he makes. 

Clearly, I’m being awfully subjective at all points, when I guide a man toward his big reward. I’m comfortable with that. After a few decades of mentoring, I am proud to say that I am always the first one to notice when the new star rises among us. I can see potential for greatness, and my intuition clangs like a bell. 

That’s when I leap into action.

Would I be correct in thinking that you can be a good Sir and Leatherman without having earned a cover?
Of course!  It’s a symbolic thing, not a final endpoint. Even after a man receives his cover, he still has the entire rest of his life to hone his craft, gain more wisdom, and (my fervent hope of hopes), PASS IT ON.

First of all:  Awarding leathers is expensive, so it is not something done lightly.  I like to mix awarding gear that is destined to be worn, with toys, since they are ever so practical.  I am NOT strict about circumstances, procedures, goals or 100% expertise.  My underlying goal is to encourage mastery, leadership, confidence and social standing.  

After decades of being massively connected, I know what we need:

Leaders, Mentors and Role-Models.  Our Tribe is STARVED for solid, honorable, lovable, admirable and respectable men who touch, move and inspire others to be better individuals.  I can honestly say that I have never taken a single day off from pondering, mentoring, leading or encouraging others toward that end, in decades.

So, I do what I can to shove our Tribe further along our timeline, AWAY from the Holocaust Phase, and to make a discernible difference, before I die.  If it takes every penny that I have, to bless the men who are growing into their power, honor and charisma, then that's just how it is.

Many public events are currently being staffed by folks who I took under my wing with love, patience and intense mentoring.  They grew past the need for me, as I always wanted.  I have thousands of photos from these blessing ceremonies, and they provide me with intense satisfaction.

Being awarded a token of esteem, whether it is a titleholder vest, or a set of gauntlets from someone who you respect, means that you have impressed someone very much. It is public approval, esteem and validation.

Yes, we live, work and get by somehow in the larger community, but we hunger for Tribe. We need to know that we are part of something larger than ourselves.

We want to belong. We want to be on the inside. Tragically, with the current lack of loving and wise Mentors and Elders (the ones who knew the most, were the first to die of AIDS, and were not replaced), the vast majority of Leatherfolk will never know what it feels like to be blessed, certified and validated.

The reason why I work so hard, in the direction that I do, is so that the current supply of mature, masculine and wise men will someday grow to be Tribal Elders.

I am playing a very long game here. I know that things will only get massively better,  long after I am dead. I’m OK with that, as long as I can get some momentum going.  

Awarding A Toy

Here is how it USUALLY works for me:

- I teach something that I care deeply about. Usually, flogging or whipping. 

- If a particular student’s eagerness to learn impresses me, I will loan him one of my favorite toys to practice with, at home. 

- I then request that the student practice diligently, on a pillow. If he does, this pleases me. 

- if he lives in San Diego, I have him come over to my place, and show me his progress. This can include him topping Papa Tony, the Stunt Bottom. I’m willing to bottom during the evaluation. It’s a perfect way to judge all aspects of his style, aim, caring, and ability to calibrate on the fly. 

- If he lives outside of San Diego, then several Skype or FaceTime sessions allow me to video-evaluate the student’s talents and diligence in pursuing his goals. I spend that time throwing tips and challenges at him, and checking-out subtle signals of how he shows up as a talented Top. 

- Having jumped through flaming hoops of my own design, and having impressed me mightily, the next step is for the student to attend a public playspace and apply his new knowledge and talents on actual human beings. Then, I wait for reviews to come in. 

- Doing out-of-state evaluations is a new thing, but I recently sent our own Nate my very favorite toy as a well-earned token of my esteem. He’s the Real Thing, based on video proof, and long conversations. 

- A student, having completed all of these steps to my satisfaction, will be told to bring that same toy to a crowded public event. When he does, I will wait for the appropriate moment. Then, I will call for everyone’s attention. I will call the student to me, and praise him in front of everyone. I will talk about his journey, his courage, his heart and other virtues. Then, in front of everyone, I will present him with my favored toy as a gift of love and respect. 

- At that point, he gets SWAMPED by eager bottoms, wanting perform their own, in-depth evaluations. 

- Years and decades later, I still see those men with my toy worn proudly on their hip. They have no doubt that they are true masters of that style of play, because I have certified them. Nobody can take that away. Naturally, they branch out into their OWN personal style, and I admire that. I lay no claim to their talent... that is all them. I’m just the guide who encouraged and rewarded them when they needed a boost.

Rewarding Virtues

In my own case, awarding a cover/Master's Cap has to do with my belief that the man has exceptional character, courage, talent and a hunger for further growth.  I make him jump through hoops of my own design, to help him to feel that he has EARNED it, the hard way.

I HAVE made folks earn gear from me in difficult ways at times, but most times I am an impulsive bestower. 

Somebody will try something on, and there is NO way that I will let them leave without it.  I tell them that they are required to think of it as a hug from me, every time that they put it on. 

I am NOT in the habit of doing this often. They have to impress me as a high-quality person, first. Then, I feel as though my gift might give them a boost along their path.

Group hug for the younger folks, to thank them for being in our lives.

I don’t believe that I have ever gifted gear or toys unmindfully.  

I DO periodically make the trainee endure a “trial by fire”. Since it is my primary purpose to train Doms, Tops, Masters and Sirs, the greater the gift, the harder the path gets, when approaching the end goal. 

You can't see it, but when this Sir went through 
his customized "final exam," his Master's Cap was on the 
pillow next to him, throughout the process.  It helped him focus.

Normally, I don’t talk about the final exams, but this IS a place for sharing wisdom.

I am VERY reluctant to share more about my private processes. It’s important to me that every man’s guided journey to Mastery be personalized, intimate and life-transforming. 

I don’t want folks to see such a powerful growth-process as an easy “gimme”... put in a coin, turn the handle, get a treat. I know exactly what is at stake, after guiding so many men along the way. 

I honor the mystery, the mystical and the Tribal.

More On Personalizing The Journey

I identify the strengths of a man, by asking specific, focused questions. I follow up with MORE questions as time passes. My goal is always to check for courage, character, initiative and a desire for improvement. 

I also search for fears, weaknesses and any other attributes that we all have, but want to hide... old wounds, breakdowns and shadows in our souls. I’m seeking these, not as a pry bar or as a weapon, but as information that can help that man to PREVAIL. I want him to come out on the other side feeling that his past and old decisions don’t count, except as a history that led powerfully to this place. 

Perfection has nothing to do with being a Sir. It’s how we deal with our challenges, that speaks for our character. 

Thursday, February 22, 2018

When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

Please post a reflection about what happens when bad scenes do happen to Tops.
Because we will all experience them at one point or another. So having a conversation on how to navigate that situation might be useful to some people.
It would be great to learn about how you "defuse the bomb" and how you have handled interactions after a bad scene.

Papa Tony:

It happens to everyone. When fully-agreed-upon kinky play goes right off the road and into a ditch. There are a zillion ways that this can happen. Life would be SO much like really good porn if every scene was successful, right?

We can TRY to head off any problems by meeting at a neutral, public space, such as a coffee-house. Once there, we chat, negotiate and size each other up.

We sit over coffee, with our Bullshit Detectors operating at full crank, so that we can listen to our intuition, and see if both sides can comprise a good match for each others’ desires, needs and wants.

Even so, we can’t always predict how things go... maybe inexperience, shyness or bravado keep us from asking key questions that could head-off potential issues.

Alternatively, no matter how carefully we share information during negotiations, something can always go wrong. In writing this, I am assuming that both parties are of good will and solid character. Obviously, the alternatives are far too numerous for me to cover in a whole series of books.


The two of you have met, sized each other up, negotiated, and arrived together for a scene.  Play commences, and suddenly, one or both of you realize that IT. JUST. ISN'T. WORKING.

I have talked about this before, somewhere in these many hours of Men's Discussions.

I will summarize:

"Land Mines" are a slang term, and a real possibility in kinky play.  Let's say that the bottom is getting flogged, and suddenly experiences a traumatic flashback to when Mom spanked them, or when a bully tickled them so unmercifully that they peed their pants, and that was a NASTY memory.

Out comes the primal, hard-wired "Fight, Flight or Freeze" response.

Suddenly, the scene changes in an unexpected, unpleasant direction.  The sub can curl up in a ball on the floor, and stop talking.  That's "Freeze".

Or, they can become ferociously angry, and wants to punch the Top.  "Fight" response.

Or, they end the scene, RIGHT NOW, and leave in a hurry.  Obviously, "Flight".

Whether or not a scene that goes suddenly wrong fits easily into the previous premise, how we respond as Tops is what speaks for our character.


We can head-off the likelihood of bad scenes by giving a stern lecture about safewords to the sub before any play commences.  Yes, the Top has responsibilities, but so does the sub.

If the sub makes a decision to clam up and go all stoic, then there is no possibility of a two-way Power Flow between the two parties, and this can be a downer, and a nearly-certain likelihood of misunderstandings.

Conversely, if the sub is a "Traffic Cop", directing and micro-managing everything in the scene, then that is the exact opposite of ecstatic pleasure.  Desire does not show up well in the world of logic.

Building a flow during a power-play scene comes from shifting flexibly from moment to moment, finding ways to sync with each other.  Others may disagree, and that is fine.

In any case, neither play-partner has the right to complain after a scene if they have not been responsible adults all along, and staying in communication.


So... As Tops, how do we DEAL with a scene that has crashed and burned?  The easiest thing is to broom the sub off of our front porch, and pretend that nothing was our fault.  That's the easy way out, but it's not a very responsible reaction.

If we aspire to become wiser, higher-quality Sirs, we have to LEARN from what happened.  We have to ask what everything looks like from the other side's perspective, even if that knowledge is uncomfortable.

Let's say that we have been roasted over the coals of the sub's anger, frustration and disappointment.  We can try on the sub's perception of us, at least for a while.  We can humbly ask for more information, specifically as a way of gaining an outside perspective about ourselves.


If we know that we did our best, and that we are NOT the ravening beast that the sub makes us out to be, then it's okay to let go of any self-blame, after some serious self-appraisal and introspection.

What if their anger really, truly belongs to Dad from thirty years ago, wielding a belt of unfair punishment?

What if the sub is angry that we have frailties, flaws and vulnerabilities, unlike porn video actors?


I have said this many, many times:

It takes a village to raise a high-quality Sir.

You really, truly aren't going to achieve your finest goals if you are trying to figure out all of this on your own.  Seek out Mentors, yes, but also consider having friends who are also kinky Tops, so that you can be vulnerable with each other, without ridicule.


So, what do I do, when a scene goes bad, and I step unwittingly upon a sub's personal Land Mine, causing a play-scene to veer-off into a catastrophic new direction?

I am kind, patient and open to possibility.  I make a declaration:  "I'm calling a time-out.  Let's cuddle".  They may not initially be open to that, but I can be very convincing.  So, we cuddle.

If there is anger, I ask what that is about.  I listen, and I don't argue.  I hold it in my heart that their anger does not belong to me, and that it is finally coming out in a way that can be very good for them.

If there are tears, then I hold them close, and say things like this:

"Your emotions are valuable."

"You are safe with me"

"I am honored that you trust me with your feelings"

"It is healthy to grieve"

“Give all of your sorrow to me, and I will hand it away to the universe.”

I do NOT pat them, or rub them, to distract them from their pain.  That is not valuable, and it is what our stupid culture tells us to do, to stop healthy grieving.  I just hold them, and I am fully present from moment to moment.

I let them talk, and talk, and if they say "Oh, I am talking too much", then I say "No... Keep going".

Once the tears and the talking are over, I invite them to "get back on the horse that threw them", and resume where we left off.  If that happens, in my extensive experience, then that old land mine will NEVER show up again.  The sub is cleansed of old wounds.


I was doing a public demo, outdoors on the patio of a bar (on the same day that this occurred), and the boy started sobbing during the scene.  Just a bit, because he was trying to suppress his tears.  I brought the flogging scene to a graceful finish, and while embracing him afterward, I made an offer.

"I invite you to come back to me, in a little while.  If you can trust me, I will be your guide on a special, cleansing journey.  It is clear to me that you are ready."

He eagerly agreed, and after I did this scene, he came back to me:

I told him that he is safe with me, and that I will be fully present with him during every moment of what comes up next. I urged him to be fully self-expressed... To let old, suppressed feelings OUT.  If he wanted to please me, then he could just be totally vulnerable, and I would treasure him for it.

So, I began flogging him.  I didn't beat him mercilessly, to FORCE my way past his barriers.  Instead, I gave him words of support and overt encouragement.  Every time that he started crying, I praised him, letting him know that this made me happier.

I used the encouraging phrases that I used above, in a warm and loving tone.  I did a lot of touch during the scene, merely touching his shoulder, or the back of his neck, not rub-rub-rubbing it.

Pretty soon, he was wailing full force, and undoubtedly alarming the other men on the patio.  The Daddy holding him was crooning in his ear, and loving him throughout the scene, so nobody else interrupted the scene.

I increased the intensity as I went along, but never to an intolerable point.  I did this, because it helped him to open up, and get directly in touch with old wounds.

Afterwards, I invited other men in our crew to come up and be part of a group hug, where we supported him and loved him.  It was aftercare as a team effort.  I never asked him what pain had showed up for him.  That's not my business, unless he offers it up for me.

He was WIPED OUT, drained and sleepy afterward, so I handed him off to his Daddy for longer-term aftercare.  I heard from them both the next day, and they were ecstatic.

I just read your recent article, and I have to say that even as a sub it was very enlightening.  I'm wondering now about what can be done when scenes go bad in a physical way. For example, My Sir and I were playing, and in the scene, I learned how my minor circulation issues can be a big problem. I had my hands bound in a sort of spread eagle position as I was standing, which was really fun. However, I started to lose feeling in my hands and arms. 
Once they were free, I quickly lowered my arms, leading to a sudden loss in blood flow to my head. This made me nearly pass out, stumble over to the bathroom, and made me sick. Shortly after this, I just wanted to leave.
I'm wondering what could be done in such an instance, as a response to the side of things when plans go wrong due to unforeseen physical challenges, as well as ways to circumvent these.
If you didn’t know that it would happen, before it happened, this is clearly a Learning Moment, for all concerned.  I’m finding ALL SORTS of new, age-related issues, interfering with my own kinky play.  Not liking it, either.

Your own example is a perfect data-point to add to all future-play.  The Top should always be checking the sub’s hands and feet for coldness, indicating that circulation is not happening.  The bonds must be released, followed by massage of the affected areas, AS restrictions are released.

Just specify that news, as part of negotiations, and all should be well.  No Top wants to be known as a Bad Top, so support him in excellence with useful information, now that you know 

Please post any comments below.  This is a much richer topic than I have attempted to cover here.


Hi Papa, I had a question about this, can you elaborate on why it’s bad to rub someone’s back when they’re upset?

Papa Tony:

Thanks for asking. The rubbing is what we are expected to do by the larger society around us. It’s a distraction and a diversion from letting somebody feel sad. Sometimes folks NEED to feel sad in order to get better. So, we let them.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Leaving Marks, on the Ass That Can't Get Enough of 'Em

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

Papa Tony:

Paddle made from Cocobolo wood.  These are easy to find.

Click here to watch the instructional video on YouTube.

One of the men that I mentor has had the incredible good luck to find a submissive who adores heavy play on his ass.  Questions arose as a result, and the video is meant to cover those questions.

What conclusions are reached in this video?

- Cocobolo Wood is Best

- A Submissive Who Adores Heavy Play Needs A Collar And A Place Next To You Every Night In Bed.

Trophy Pictures

The following images are "Trophies" for the submissive who has brought pleasure, and earned my respect.  I talk more about this concept here.

Plain old spanking.

One good, hard smack.

Tommy Tomcat, found here.

Clearly, NOT his butt, but this shows what 
marks can result from a Tommy Tomcat.

"PTSM" Singletail Whip, found here.

Cocobolo paddle.

Dragon's Tongue, with Leg Spreader.

Dragon's Tongue, under black light.

Leather Belt.