Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Florentine Flogging: Another Approach to Learning

From Nachtsoul:

I have been trying to get the hang of Florentine flogging after seeing it and not quite getting the hang of it, even though there have been several good visual demonstrations of it. I almost "got it" several times and then lost it again. 

I mentioned this to the teacher of a singletail class I took a couple months ago and he got me over the hump quickly and eeasily. I'm still not as smooth as I'd like to be, but I'm good enough to add it to a flogging session. 

Here ya go: I hope it helps you.

Instead of trying to grok it visually, the teacher showed me the moves and just said to remember the words "over, over, back, back" and that made it click for me. Assuming your right hand is the dominant one:

* For the first "over" you cross your right hand over the top of your left wrist
* For the second "over" you cross your left hand over the top of your right wrist
* For the first "back", you throw backwards with your extended right wrist
* For the second "back", you throw backwards with your extended left wrist

Do this slowly at first just to get the primary motions in muscle memory. Then when you speed it up, the figure eights occur naturally. I'm sure other methods of learning work great for other folks. This is what made it click for me.

Thursday, April 4, 2019

Am I a "Creepy Uncle," Too?

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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If we want better-mannered brothers, we need to stop driving away elder male role-models.

By Papa Tony

I have no intention of becoming a political writer, so this is not that.

I am writing this from the perspective of a mentor, role-model, and former community leader.

At the time of this writing, former Vice President Joe Biden is being raked through the coals.  I'm not going to spend much time on the politics of personal takedown during a presidential election season.  This ain't a game of beanbag-toss, and everybody wants their candidates to win, sometimes at any cost.

I get more hugs than anyone else that I have ever met.  Go ahead.  Call me creepy.  It says more about you, than about me.



My History

I came out in 1975 as the first openly-gay person in my family's entire history, and it was rough.  I would do it again, because I opened up the conversation for the members of my family who followed.  They have had a much easier time being accepted.

I was raised in a large family, with a weak mother and a violently abusive father.  I should have turned out the same, but I made adult decisions early on, and chose a diametrically-opposite path.  I consciously chose to be kind, to treat everyone as my favorite sister or brother from the first time that I met them, and I chose to become wiser with every experience.

I stopped counting at 140 lost loved ones, when AIDS killed the men around me.  I was there in the middle of the worst of it.  This should have killed my soul, and the PTSD lives with me still.  It took me decades to recover, and I struggled to learn from what I saw in the wreckage of my community.

As I stepped into leadership, I set a goal of creating safe spaces where everyone present would be warmly, affectionately welcomed and included.  I specifically wanted joyful laughter and copious, authentic hugs everywhere. Those happy behaviors would be my tangible proof that I had succeeded in bringing some healing to a community that needed it badly.

When welcoming the new, the shy and the unsure to thousands of social events over the decades, I consciously used my privileged status as a tall white, extroverted, cisgender male to bring extra support to those who were NOT like me.  I was loathe to allow an "A-List" mentality to turn any event into a clique of the 'worthy" ones over there, and everybody else wondering why they bothered to show up.

I created spaces where everyone was celebrated for having worth and a kind heart.  I went up to every new arrival, and gave them a specific welcoming speech, paraphrased here as:

"You are wanted, and welcome here.  You are going to fit in just fine, and I am here to help you to do that as soon as possible.  Here is how to understand what makes this group so different."

Not everybody went along with the plan. Around five percent of new folks found me to be creepy, and left, never to return.  I am certain that they interpreted my Saint Bernard Puppy friendliness as inauthentic, or malignant, or whatever else my appearance and mannerisms triggered in them.

That's fine.  I wasn't interested in making EVERYONE happy.  That is a fool's game, and leaves nobody happy.  Instead, I wanted everyone present (myself included) to be joyful, playful, frisky, light-hearted, childlike (NOT childish) and free to be fully self-expressed.

My events were successful and numerous - I created and hosted over 3,000 of these wildly-diverse, relaxed gatherings, before I became too old to do it any more.



Hostility and Takedown Politics

I was NOT welcomed by others who were in leadership positions, who saw my life's work as a threat, and my influence as a problem.  When so many gay men died, there were women of color in my local community who saw this as a glorious opportunity to drive away white males, and to insert people of color into leadership positions.  They vigorously pursued this project for decades.

I get the underlying goal, and I wouldn't mind it at ALL, except that they saw the local community as a zero-sum game.  I was attacked relentlessly for years and years, using gossip and slander:
  • I was supposedly HIV-positive, and intentionally infecting innocent people.
  • There had been a murder at my house.
  • People had witnessed me breaking other people's limbs, and I was stalking others with a knife.
  • I was a bad man, and "No doesn't mean NO for him!"
  • The list goes on and on.
WHY were people slandering my good name?  Because I was well-respected, influential and The Wrong Type.  This made me a threat to the local hegemony.  Dozens of equally well-intentioned white males had risen up over the years, started to become effective, and were then driven away in tears, never to return.  They didn't deserve being discriminated against.

EVERYONE WITH TALENT DESERVES A CHANCE.

REVERSE DISCRIMINATION IS STILL DISCRIMINATION.

I like to joke that I had been "voted off of the island" hundreds of times, but never went away.  It took an enormous amount of stamina and guts to continue doing good works, to never retaliate (what would be the point?), and to keep going with a loving heart.



Life as a Community Elder

Now, at this end of my life, I get a lot of love from the thousands of folks who I warmly welcomed into the larger community.  I get hugged wherever I go, and I spend between twenty and thirty hours a week mentoring others.  Who do I help?  Anyone who reaches out.  If they are kind, perceptive and want to make a difference in the world, they read my writings, they sense a kindred spirit, and they reach out, from Bangkok, Edinburgh, Savannah, Winnipeg and many other locales.

I always reach back, and I am always glad that I did.



Getting Back to the Creepy Thing

My husband of almost 29 years was NOT raised in a culture of hugs.  I was shocked to find out that my in-laws didn't like to be hugged.  Ever.  From my perspective, I saw them as emotionally stunted, and felt sorry for them.  From their perspective, I was peculiar, and way too much of too much.  They have adapted, and so have I.

When somebody says "You need at least eight hugs a day, just for maintenance," they are talking about ME.

I don't force hugs upon anyone.  I offer hugs, but most of the time, I don't have to.  The hugs come to me.  I get immobilized for my birthday, every year.  I will show up to a large holiday annual event, and as soon as I arrive, a small crowd will gather around me and envelop me in a group embrace.  I will hold space with them, be present, treasure them, and after a time, I will bless them and move on, just to have it happen again and again.

In all of these years, I KNOW that some folks don't share my nature, and I have respected that to a stringent degree.  The last thing that I want is to force myself upon others.  A little bit of me goes a long way, and there is a LOT of me.  I use my big perceptions to gently approach others who don't know how harmless the huge, scary-looking man really is.  I sincerely doubt that I have been one hundred percent perfect in my approach, though that was always my goal.



The Need for Positive Male Role-Models

A couple of decades ago, there was a long, praising article in the local gay newspaper, talking about the local shelter for queer youth.  My angry retort was published shortly thereafter, and caused a big ruckus.

I was disgusted that their article had failed to mention that the new female director of the shelter had immediately fired every male staffer and volunteer, and replaced them with women.  How did I know this?  My gay foster-son had told me so, and it pissed him off.  He had lost positive role-models because it was considered perfectly fine to block young males from older males.  Only women can raise non-toxic males!

Great theory, but it doesn't work.  Yes, young men need Mommies, but they need Daddies, too.  If we treat all males with suspicion, then we teach fear to the new generations, and the toxicity just gets worse.  How are young men going to know what it takes to succeed in the world, when males in general are under a dark cloud from the get-go?



What is the Fix?

Yes, I know - My work as a conscious role-model isn't encountered very often, but if our culture is going to get better, we want to identify, praise and encourage good men as visible role-models.  It's counterproductive to only point at the bad ones and say "GET HIM, everybody!"  It is also a terrible idea to drive away any man because he is imperfect.

I have done a lot of work with the Mankind Project, which is a support-system for men so that we can be better human beings, and get the emotional support that we need.  More and more groups like this are forming.  If we are going to have a better, more functional future, we need to shift radically in a direction that is positive and supportive of the man who is respected because he is respectable, admired because he is admirable, honored because he is honorable, and loved because he is lovable.

We DO exist.  It's time to notice.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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bedroombondage:

Kink can be practiced while being involved in different ‘relationships’. These may include playing together with a friend (or even acquittance), as a service (paying a Mistress for her services, for example), with a stranger (at a party or club) or with your loving partner. At Bedroom Bondage, we are all about exploring kink as a couple, so that is what I’ll be writing about.

Trust & Safety

There’s a good reason that I start out with this one. Nothing is more important than being able to put your full trust in your partner, and it is such a beautiful thing when you can. You know each other well, and should not have to worry about your play time turning into a bad experience because, for example, your partner does not respect your boundaries. 

A lot of people seem to think that it is all about being beaten up and tortured, but the ones that know better are very aware that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. Domination and submission is always a matter of consent.Being able to completely give yourself to your lover is an incredibly sexy, freeing feeling! When your man has all the control over your body, you will be very aware of every little bit of it, enhancing all sensations.

Feeling Comfortable

Believe me, the more comfortable you feel with your partner, the sexier you’ll feel, and the hotter it’ll get! You’ll be way more relaxed about revealing your deepest, darkest desires… Who knows what kind of dirty wishes the two of you share without even realising it? 

Aftercare

Something that should never be missing. When the submissive is totally exhausted, loving care from her Master is the cherry on a already delicious cake. It simply makes the whole experience even better, when he drapes a soft blanket over you, brings you something to drink (I always seem to be up for a big glass of juice or water myself after such intense hours), gives you a nice massage… 

I honestly couldn’t say what would be better than to be softly kissed, ‘I love you’ being whispered in my ear, and sweetly fall asleep after this kinky, sexy intimate moment together.When you take good care of your submissive, she’ll take good care of you, too. That’s exactly what it’s all about. Not just for the submissive to take care of her Master, but to take care of each other.

Searching for a D/s partner?

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dominant-daddy:

How do I find a Daddy? A frequently asked question here on tumblr. How does one find a suitable partner? In this essay I will attempt to give some pointers, do’s and don’ts, warning signs and general help, advice and information on how one can accomplish this. For the sake of continuity and simplicity I will address a male as the Dominant and a female as the submissive. This is, of course, gender universal and for the most part will apply equally to Daddy’s/Doms/Masters/little’s/slaves, etc. except where indicated.

To begin with, let me clarify one misconception regarding searching for a D/s partner. You may have heard the phrase “it’s not much different than searching for a vanilla partner”. This is not strictly true. Why you may ask? First, the very nature of who and what you are searching for makes for a very unique search in a very narrow playing field.

Secondly, BDSM is not wide spread in mainstream society which makes the search a lot more specific. In part, this could be said for a vanilla search but one would have to be extremely lucky if they could find their dream Dom/sub at work or a chance encounter in the local Wal-Mart! After the vanilla partners have established compatibility and agreed to enter into a relationship, well… that’s pretty much the ground work accomplished. 

In the BDSM realm, when searching for a partner, that’s only the first hurdle cleared. A very important hurdle but there’s a lot more communication required before any D/s relationship can be entered into. Both partners may very well be compatible as a ‘vanilla’ couple but when D/s is introduced; it can very easily fall apart due to incompatibilities. There is a different level of trust, respect and communication. 

D/s relationships take an enormous commitment and any venture down that road should not be taken lightly. Forcing it or forcing a partner who does it only to make the other happy is not in a healthy committed relationship.

Websites such as FetLife and Collar Me are two of the most popular kink related sites one could begin a search (plus Recon.com for gay men). These are basically a social network for kinksters that offer personal profiles for members, message boards, groups, news and information of upcoming local BDSM meets or munches, etc.

Tips for actively seeking a partner online:
  • Write an interesting profile in the ‘about me’ section. Include a description of yourself. State what you like/dislike and what you want/do not want from a partner.
  • Members with a decent profile tend be taken more seriously with regards to seeking a relationship.
  • Add your interests to the list in the ‘Fetishes’ section (below the about me). Include all your fetishes or kinks you are interested in try. (Preferences to choose from; giving, receiving or everything to do with it)
  • Add photos to your profile. (At your own discretion)
  • Join some of the groups that appeal to you. (use the search function)
  • Search for your type of partner in your area.
  • Search for munches in your area.

BDSM Munch vs Meet

A munch is a social gathering of likeminded kinksters who are interested in or involved in BDSM. Munches are meant to help, allow the chance to meet others, become more comfortable and better informed for newcomers or those that are curious to the lifestyle. They are normally informal meetings with the main purpose of socializing and fetish wear or any BDSM play is discouraged from taking place. They can also be a place to get advice or information.

Attending a Munch (Source: submissiveguide.com)

A BDSM meet or ‘play-party’ is a meeting or gathering of people interested in BDSM with the intention and purpose of engaging in BDSM activities. Fetish wear and play are highly encouraged!

Attending a play party (Source: xeromag.com)

Online safety & etiquette (Submissives)

Unfortunately, FetLife does have a minority of predators searching for their ‘prey’. Some of the most common examples of this type of behaviour to be aware of are:

Inappropriate questions or suggestive comments during initial contact or early in the conversation. Asking things such as, ‘what are you wearing’, ‘do you like [x]’ and ‘would you like to play’ are all indicative of predatory behaviour and an obvious sign of someone looking for cybersex as opposed to a serious D/s relationship.

Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy should be a warning sign. Your internal ‘alarm bell’ is ringing and alerting your gut instinct. Listen to it!

Any type of question, remark, comment or unwanted behaviour should be taken as a red flag (The giveaway sign that all is not well, something doesn’t add up or is just plain wrong! If you feel threatened, hit the ignore button and move along)

Do they ask to be addressed by title? A clear sign of a so-called Dom! If you’re asked to call him Sir, etc. he obviously has no idea of what the essence of a D/s relationship is about! Move on. Titles are earned not demanded.

Eager to start a relationship. Another clear red flag. Trust takes time to establish, it can take from weeks to months to feel comfortable enough to move to that level and commit to a relationship.
Communication. Is he open and honest with you? If he is unwilling to talk or evades questions you need to take note. Listen for inconsistencies in conversations too. If he keeps changing his story you should question his intentions towards you.

Conquests. Does he boast about his previous partners or trash talk them? One day this could be you he is disrespecting!

Does he try to impress? Any so called Dominant that shouts his worth to prove how ‘dominant’ he is…probably isn’t. Self-praise and self-admiration are clear indicators of a self-proclaimed Dom.

Ignore.

Are your best interests HIS intentions? Does he push you to be the best you can be or just push you in a manipulative manner? Remember there’s a fine line between dominance and domineering.

Do they appear to be available when you want to talk? Does he make time to spend with you? Sadly there are married men who are stuck in a vanilla marriage who use this lifestyle as an outlet to fulfil their kinky side. Intentional or not, they think it’s an easy way for them to get laid and feed their urges not realizing how damaging it can be for the other parties who get hurt. Namely you and his wife!

Red flags Dominants should be aware of:

The first contact can be a tell-tale sign of how serious your potential submissive is in wanting to get to know you. Is the message polite and courteous or does it simply say, “I want you to f**k me, Daddy!”

Are you addressed by title? A ‘genuine’ submissive would never address you by title unless they have consented to be your submissive.

If a potential partner willingly wants to be dominated by you on first contact. Red flag. Keep searching.

As with the previous list, if a potential partner is asking inappropriate questions, etc. You should question where their interests are focused.

Submission is earned. If it’s freely offered without any discussion or conversation to be your partner. That would be another red flag!

Do they want to be your ‘baby girl’ because you’re a Daddy or because they genuinely want a relationship with you?

Are communications centred around your partners expectations or the relationship? If it all about ‘them’ I would question their motives.

Are communications realistic? The novice may offer themselves with claims they are a better choice of submissive as they state “you can do what you want with me”. EVERYONE has limits!
 
Is the potential partner open in conversation and willing to share information? If attention and affection are top priority before the relationship has been discussed this is red flag indicator.

Another source one could use is right here on tumblr. There are a vast number of available Dominants and submissives searching or seeking a partner. Introduce yourself! A simple hello could be the start of something special (Which is how I met baby girl).

So you’ve read their profile or about me and messaged a potential partner, or received a message, and you’re interested in getting to know more about them. What happens next? First, do not push yourself on them or start getting sexual or you’ll appear desperate and potentially fake. You also may not be taken seriously. Remember a D/s relationship is a relationship first and the foundations need to be laid down before the relationship is entered into. Tell them a little about yourself. Not your kink or submissive/dominant side, just about you. There’s no reason for it to be a one sided conversation, don’t be the one who does the majority of the talking. It takes two to have a conversation. When you’re comfortable enough you may want to take communications to the next level. Whether that’s via IM or Skype, that’s entirely your call.

When to meet your partner? When you’re comfortable and feel confident to meet. There is no defining moment or set time limit. I’d recommend meeting in a public place such as a coffee shop (I would avoid bars/alcohol). Ladies should preferably have a friend close by or even inside the arranged place where you intend to meet. If that’s not possible, have someone you can contact at regular intervals? Keep your own safety in mind at all times. Being in a public place should force the conversation to non-sexual chat (hopefully) and this will also give you the opportunity to see the type of person they really are. (Some people can appear differently online to how they are IRL).

Use your instincts and go with your ‘gut’ feeling. If something doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t. However if your instincts are screaming it’s the right thing to do…..

This is not a definitive guide. This is for advice, help and information purposes only. Take from this what you will. As always this is gender universal. Written with the BDSM mantra in mind SSC safe sane consensual.

Essay 2014 © dominant-daddy & thekinky-littlemermaid

Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore

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psych-quotes:

The world is full of relationship advice, from magazines to the Internet to conversations with your friends and family. Everyone has their own theories on what works and what doesn’t, and there’s so much out there it’s hard to know what to listen to. For every good piece of advice out there, there is bad advice too. Here’s what to listen to, and what you should ignore:

Listen

· Don’t sweat the small stuff. This is great advice because it tells you to focus more on the big picture of your relationship than every minor problem. Basically, if you love each other and are a good match, then the little arguments about what movie to see don’t matter.

· Don’t go to bed angry. In other words, deal with your problems right away. Letting things brew over time can build resentment and make the problem even bigger. Get into the habit of talking it out right away will clear up issues before they have a chance to grow into something bigger.

· White lies are ok sometimes. In general, honesty is the best policy. But sometimes a white lie is ok, especially when you want to spare your partners feelings from being hurt. It’s ok to tell them that their cookies are delicious, even if they aren’t, or that you love the sweater they bought you, even if you don’t. Sometimes keeping the peace and making them feel good is better than brutal honesty.

· Laugh it off. Couples who can laugh together and can have fun together even when times are tough, have a great chance of a lasting relationship. Life throws some hard stuff at us sometimes, and if you can have fun together and laugh even when things are bad, you are well on your way to happiness together.

· Don’t assume. Try to stop making assumptions about what your partner thinks/feels/wants. Making assumptions can be dangerous because you can read a situation the wrong way and get offended for no reason. Or, you can think your partner is happy with something when they really aren’t. It’s always best to ask them directly about what they’re feeling instead of making assumptions.

Ignore

· Make him/her jealous. Any advice that tells you to play games in order to win your partner’s attention or affection is bad advice. Don’t try to flirt with other people to make your partner jealous. It could just hurt them and drive them away instead of bringing you closer together and they may wonder if they can really trust you.

· Don’t be too available. There are all sorts of rules about how much time you should spend with someone when you start dating, but the simple truth is this: if you like each other and want to hang out, do it. Don’t pretend to be busy or put restrictions on yourself because of what other people say you should do. Just go with what feels right.

· Don’t call for 2 days. This is another example of pretending to feel something other than what you do. If you like someone, just call. Don’t worry about waiting a certain length of time in order to appear cool.

· Be with someone who loves you more than you love them. Don’t bother with the power struggle over who is more into whom. A healthy relationship is based on balance and equality, not on one of you being more desirable or having more power.

· All you need is love. While loving each other is important, it doesn’t solve all of your problems or mean that you’re right for each other. There are some issues that aren’t fixed just by loving each other. Only you can know what’s right for your relationship and for you, no matter how much you love each other.

How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”

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psych-quotes:

How will you know when you’ve found “The One”? What’s the difference between someone you really like and your soul mate? Here are some clues that you’ve found “The One”:

Unexplainable feeling. We always hear people say that you just know it when you’ve found the one. When you ask someone how they knew they were with their soul mate, they’ll often respond that they can’t quite explain it but they “just knew”. You can’t put your finger on it, but there’s a feeling you get when you’ve hit the nail on the head. If you have to ask, you probably haven’t found it yet.

You get each other. If you and your partner just get each other, they could be the one. When you understand each other without having to work at it, you’re definitely on to something. It’s easy to be around someone who gets you and understands your personality without having to try too hard.

It’s easy. Some people in your life take a lot of effort to be around. Maybe you feel like you need to entertain them or work hard to make conversation. When you’ve found “The One”, it’s just easy. You can hang out and do anything and still have fun. Being together is effortless and enjoyable without either of you having to be “on”.

You fit into each other’s lives. Even when you’re both busy, do you easily fit into each other’s lives? If you are able to blend your friends together, spend time with each other’s families and just generally “fit” together, chances are you’ve found something special.

People are happy for you. If you’ve found “The One”, chances are it shows. You’re probably happy and giving off a positive, relaxed energy. People around you like your friends and family love seeing you this way and can tell that the relationship is good for you. They’re happy for you because they can sense how happy you are.

You are best friends. You know you’ve found “The One” when you become best friends. Are they the first person you want to call when something good happens? When something bad happens? When something funny happens? They should be your “go-to” person for just about everything.

You’re there for each other no matter what. Do you and your partner support each other through thick and thin? Do you have their back and do they have yours? If so, then they could definitely be “The One”. When you’re able to support each other through all of life’s ups and downs, highs and lows, you’ve definitely got a good thing going.

How To Get What You Want In A Relationship

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psych-quotes:

If you aren’t feeling fully satisfied in your relationship there’s a lot you can do to ensure that you’re getting what you want and need from your partner. This doesn’t include dropping hints and playing games, but taking a more open and honest approach. Here’s how to get what you really want from your relationship:

Ask straight up. Your partner is not a mind reader; so don’t expect them to just know what you want from them. If you want more affection or better communication, just tell them straight up without making them guess.

Give examples. Don’t just say that you want them to be more romantic, but give examples of what that means to you. They’ll have a better idea of what specifically you want and they’ll know right away what they need to do.

Demonstrate. If you want them to do something like communicate with you more throughout the day, then lead by example and do the same yourself.

Tell them how it makes you feel. If you tell them how it makes you feel to not be getting what you want, it will show them the reasons why they need to make the effort. They may not be talking about their feelings more or whatever it may be, because they don’t know how important it is. If they know that you feel sad or hurt, they’ll be more likely to make changes, because they don’t want you to feel that way.

Show gratitude. When they do start making changes and giving you what you’ve asked for, make sure to show your appreciation. Let them know that you appreciate that they are making an effort.
Give them something. Treat this like a trade. If they do something that you want, you should reciprocate by doing something that they want. If they start talking about their feelings more, you could show more affection, or do something that’s important to them.

Reinforce. Confirm that they are doing the right things by giving them positive reinforcement. Tell them how much it means to you that they are making an effort to make you happy. They won’t keep up any changes if you don’t show positive reinforcement that they’re getting it right.

Use an ultimatum as a last resort. Only if you are feeling really dissatisfied in your relationship and have tried communicating your needs in the ways listed above, should you use an ultimatum. Tell them that if they can’t or won’t give you what you need in the relationship then you’ll be forced to leave. This is a powerful move, and you have to be prepared to actually follow through with it if you want them to take you seriously, so make sure that you use it only as a last resort, not as a starting point.

What Is Real Love?

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psych-quotes:

I’d like to make something clear about love… I believe that deep down each one of us knows what real love is but, despite that knowledge, along the way we get extremely confused. So confused, that we want to turn something that isn’t love into love so badly, that we break our own hearts in trying to do so.

What Is Real Love?

Real love is not the butterflies in your stomach at first look or first kiss. It is friendship, it is realizing that you enjoy spending time with that person, time that does not revolve solely around being physical. 

Real love is not about presents or status or expensive gifts. It’s about running through the rain, going to the movies, or simply taking a walk and sharing your thoughts. It’s about wanting to please each other and being attentive.

Real love is not selfish. It is putting the other person, always, before yourself.

Real love is not about making excuses. It is knowing, without a doubt that whatever is nagging at you is simply a misunderstanding, easily cleared up with a quick conversation.

Real love is not when you feel relief when he calls/texts you, but when you feel calmness and peacefulness with the lull of his voice. Real love is not wondering if he will call, it is knowing that he will. 

Real love is not when he opens the car door for you out of mere courtesy. It is when he opens that car door for you and looks deep into your eyes to make sure you are settled in comfortably. 

Real love is not texting and talking through the night because you are afraid that you may not have another chance to talk to them come tomorrow. It’s when you say goodnight, knowing that they will be there tomorrow.

Real love is not waiting for x amount of time to talk to each other after a date. It is an overwhelming desire to be in touch as soon as you leave. 

Real love isn’t when you feel vulnerable. It is being vulnerable and still feeling strong.
Real love is not about indifference. It is about showing interest in what interests you, even if it is not their interest.

Real love is not being afraid to express your concerns for the fear of complicating the relationship or being called emotional. Real love is full of concerns, conflicts and emotions. 

Real love isn’t about walking on eggshells afraid to do/say something wrong. It is the empowerment of being accepted and wanted, simply for being you, with your flaws.

Real love is not about jealousy, it is about trust and knowing that you are their only one.

Real love is not about smooth sailing. Real love is like being out in the ocean through thunder and lightning and huge scary waves.

How do you know if someone truly loves you?

You will feel that they love you if and when they stay by you through the storm and smile with you, still holding you in their arms after the storm has passed. If you have to sit there and wonder, what if I had said x or did z differently then they wouldn’t have fallen out of love with me, then it wasn’t real love.

When it is just infatuation, lust, or desire, these feelings can not stand strong through time and with any slight disturbance they start to wither away and one is left with nothing. In a real love relationships when these elements start to wither away you are left with a friend and with respect, with someone who wants you by their side, and who will be by your side. 

Someone who just likes you, sees the fire dying away and instead of turning away and starting a new fire somewhere else, they keep working on your fire, blowing on the little flame to make it bigger. They keep searching and finding little dried twigs to add to that fire just like you do. It takes two people to keep that fire going, if it is just one person doing all the work the fire will simply die away eventually.

Remember lust and infatuation only last so long, don’t keep those rose colored glasses on simply because you do not want to admit that that’s all it was. Accept it as is, desiring someone to the point of surrender is great but that’s all it is, a surrender to a moment in time. Pick yourself up and find someone who will love you for you, beyond simple lust, beyond the overwhelming desire, someone who is a true friend, someone who gives you as much as you give to them.

Don’t Waste Your Time

Be Yourself - If you don’t want to waste your time with someone who may not be in love with you, just be yourself, don’t hold back. If you find that you are hesitating in doing so, that is your first red flag. You are better off finding out sooner rather than later if they are truly into you or just your physique.

Have Your Own Interests/Hobbies - When you see that you are becoming obsessed, take a step back and get a better perspective. Don’t forget that you have a life too and it does not yet revolve around this person nor should your life ever revolve around someone else. You should always have a dose of independence (a healthy dose is for you to figure out). If you make your life about someone else, eventually you will begin to be resentful, because the other person, no matter how much they may love you can not make everything about you.

Be Confident/Independent - Expanding a bit on the above point, if you have your interests you will be more confident and naturally come off as independent. No one likes a super needy person. When people see that they have to work a bit for your attention, they appreciate it more. And if in the end, things don’t work out it won’t feel like the end of the world, because there are other elements of your life that keep you busy and make you feel important and valuable.

Don’t Be Confused - If you have any confusion whatsoever about how a person feels about you, then they are not serious about you. When someone is serious they leave you with no doubts.

Don’t Listen, Observe Instead - Anyone can promise anything, it’s the action behind the promises that speaks to the person’s character. Actions without words are confusing (see previous point) and words without action are just words. Make sure there is a balance between the two.

Don’t confuse infatuation with love. I know it is really easy to do but if you see red flags, don’t ignore them. It will only make the end that much more difficult. See things for what they are. If you want fun, enjoy fun, but if you want deepness and meaning don’t make excuses for anything less.

The Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship

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onlinecounsellingcollege:

1. Giving and receiving unconditional love

2. Having a solid friendship

3. A commitment to understand each other, and each other’s perspective on things

4. Having a relationship that is built on trust

5. Having, and demonstrating, genuine respect for one another

6. Sharing common values

7. Maintaining open communication, and making time to talk and share what’s on your heart

8. Not assuming you can read each other’s mind

9. Being able to disagree and argue in a respectful way

10. Relationship decisions are discussed and made jointly

11. Sharing laughter and fun

12. Doing things you enjoy together

13. Supporting each other’s individual interests (whether we share those interest or not)

14. Being willing to give and take, to be flexible and to compromise at times

15. Having time apart as well as together; having separate friends that you see on your own.

How to Build a Healthy Relationship

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onlinecounsellingcollege:

1. Be wise in your choice of partner. We are attracted to others because of different things. For example, they compliment us constantly and boost our self-esteem; they remind us of a person we once loved or admired; or they spend money on us and buy us lots of gifts. However, you should look for a partner who has great qualities, who shares most of your values, and is trustworthy and kind.

2. Know what your needs are in a close relationship. Also, communicate these needs; don’t just don’t drop some subtle hints. And remember, too, most partners can’t read each other’s mind.

3. Always act in ways that your partner can respect – as respect and liking are closely intertwined.

4. Learn how to handle conflict in close relationships. Because we’re different people we’re bound to disagree. We need to learn to negotiate, to sometimes give and take. Also learn to say you’re sorry and admit you’ve made mistakes.

5. Solve problems when they have happen. Don’t shut your partner out. Don’t write them off as stupid or as hyper-critical.

6. Invest time, thought and energy in the relationship. You need to make the effort to keep the fires alive.

7. Enjoy and maintain friendships with other people, too, and don’t look to each other to build your self esteem.

8. Accept that love is something that tends to ebb and flow. Don’t base your love on feelings as they’re highly changeable. It’s how you act that matters – and shows you truly care.

Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests

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fortheloveofasub:

One of the most common questions I receive concerns how to locate suitable people with similar interests in D/s, BDSM and other adult lifestyles or kinks. Of necessity the kink communities and their participants tend to keep a low profile and not advertise openly due to public misunderstanding, distrust and disapproval. But they are out there and are far more numerous and active than you might imagine. I can almost guarantee there is some group of similarly minded people within an hour or so of your location, perhaps right in your back yard.

Meeting people face-to-face is by far the best means of learning about “the scene" (whatever scene you are into), educating yourself about the social norms expected by the community you are interested in, and actually meeting like-minded people in a safe and non-threatening environment. A discouraging number of people tend to rely solely on online interaction such as Recon for gay leathermen, FetLife, Tumblr, BDSMLR and others for their education and approach to others, with all the pitfalls associated with meeting people online.

Note for gay men: The following resources are good to visit so that you can ask what events and local groups are specifically for local gay men to meet.

Anyone truly interested in learning more about D/s, BDSM, or any of a host of other lifestyles and kinks would do well to attend meetings of local or regional adult social groups to enter a whole new world and meet people who are experienced and open to sharing what they know.

One of the most common approaches to outreach used by adult and kink related social groups is the Munch. While the origin of the term “Munch" has been lost to history it is believed that is was a conglomeration of Monthly Lunch. And for many adult social groups that is exactly what it is. A munch is often a monthly (or more frequent) gathering of like-minded kinksters at a restaurant or other venue where everyone shows up in street clothes, sits down and shares a meal and good conversation. 

It's an opportunity to meet people, share information, learn about local events, and generally begin to ingratiate yourself into a community that you would otherwise have no access to or awareness of. Munches, when well done, are not creepy uncomfortable events but rather open and welcoming fraternal gatherings.

Munches are helpful not only for their networking and education potential but they also give you an opportunity to see how that prospective Dom or sub you might have your eye on actually interacts with other people. It gives some insight into the person; how they interact in a group, how they treat peers, how they treat the wait staff, etc. It is an opportunity to scope out people in a more real world environment than a club, play party, or other more contrived atmosphere.

The personality of any social group is often a reflection of its leadership and/or members. Remember that if you are not excited about the tone or tenor of a particular group when you attend a munch or other social gathering there are plenty of other groups out there to explore. Also, be aware that as with any social group, the dynamics can change over time as the players and members do.

Lastly, don’t show up at a much and be that “creepy guy/gal.“ Munches are social gatherings for fraternal interaction and not a place for pickup lines, gawking, or bizarre questions about what someone might be into. Experienced scene participants can detect the difference between a genuinely interested newcomer and a gawking pervert or wannabe/pretendtobe Dom or sub in a heartbeat. 

Do not pretend to be something you are not. You will surely make a fool of yourself and ostracize yourself from future contact with the community. Trust me, the word gets around. Just show up, smile, hold out your hand, and be yourself. Be honest about your interests and experience level. These people are happy to help newcomers if they are approached with honesty and humility. Strutting in the room as God’s gift to submissives or prostrating yourself before the group as the ultimate slave will only turn everyone off. Just be you and show an interest and desire to learn.

So having said all that, I want to share a link to a resource for finding munches and other adult social groups and gathering that recently came to my attention. Findamunch.com is a listing of munches and adult social groups organized geographically by country and state/region. It is a very comprehensive list though it often links back to FetLife posts and sites so membership in FetLife is necessary to view much of the information concerning a particular group or event. The web site also has some valuable articles and information about adult social groups, their importance to healthy kink lifestyle communities, and how to fit in when you decide you want to give it a try.

Finding Love When You Least Expect It

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psych-quotes:

People love to tell single people, “You’ll find love when you’re not looking for it”. While this can grate on your nerves, it’s actually true for many of us. Why are we more likely to find true love when we aren’t looking? Here are some of the reasons why:

You’re relaxed. When you’re not actively on the hunt for a new boyfriend/girlfriend you are more relaxed and at ease. You approach social situations with the intention of just having fun, instead of trying to be “on” and impress other people. When you’re more casual and relaxed other people can sense it and are more likely to be drawn to you. We are attracted to people that seem to be at ease, rather than those who seem like they are trying too hard or trying to impress.

You’re more confident. When you’re looking for romance and not finding it your ego and your confidence can take a major hit. If you’re not looking, then the pressure is off and this can make you more confident in yourself. Other people can sense your confidence and are more attracted to it than they would be if you were feeling down and out, or self-conscious about being single.

You’re not forcing it. If you’re bound and determined to find a partner it’s easy to get a little overzealous and try too hard to make it work. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be but we want something so badly that we try and try to make it happen.When you’re not looking for romance you don’t waste your time trying to force it to work with the wrong people. Instead, you’re more available without even realizing it and more ready to meet the right person.

You’re open. Sometimes looking for romance is like having blinders on. You aren’t interested in talking to people at parties that are already in relationships or aren’t potential partners, so you narrow your focus to only include people who are eligible candidates. You are missing out on making connections and friendships with people who could potentially enrich your life in other ways, or even introduce you to a future partner. When you’re not looking for a partner, you’re more open to talking to anyone and meeting new people. The more people you know, single or not, the greater the chance of you finding that special person in the end.

You don’t seem desperate. People can sense desperation a mile away and it’s a huge turnoff. If you’re so focused on finding a partner you can easily come on too strong or give off signs of desperation, which scares people away. When you’re not looking you’re relaxed and not trying to make anything happen – you’re just trying to have fun and enjoy yourself. People are way more attracted to someone who is having a fun time with no agenda than they are to someone who is desperately looking for love.

Types Of Relationship Insecurity

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psych-quotes:

From time to time every one of us feels insecure in our lives and in our relationships. Insecurity can manifest itself in many different forms. Here are some of the top types of relationship insecurity:

· Jealousy. Jealousy is never really about the person that you’re jealous of – it’s about you. Feeling jealous of someone usually means that we aren’t feeling great about ourselves, and we see something in him or her that we feel we are lacking. So if we see another guy or girl as a threat in our relationship it’s usually because we perceive them to have qualities that we don’t have. We become insecure and afraid that our partners would prefer to be with someone who is more like that person. The more secure we are with our relationships, and ourselves the less likely we are to become jealous.

· Clinginess. Being clingy or needy in a relationship is a sign of insecurity. When someone is insecure about their partners feelings they can start to cling and act desperate, afraid that if they take time apart their partner will forget about them or find someone better. Clinginess is a need to be together all the time, for fear of what will happen when you’re apart. If you’re a secure and confident person, you’ll know that you can take time away from your partner and the relationship will actually be better for it.

· Looking for validation. If you constantly need to hear how your partner feels about you, or how they feel about the relationship, it’s a sign of insecurity. If you never feel like you know where you stand, and you always need to be looking for validation in your relationship, then you probably aren’t very secure in that relationship. This can be because of our own feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem, but can also occur if our partner sends mixed signals or doesn’t communicate their feelings.

· Playing games. People play games in relationships when they don’t feel secure or confident. For example, you might not feel confident in their feelings for you so you try to make them jealous. Or you aren’t confident in yourself so you play hard to get in order to come across as being cooler or more popular than you think you are. When you’re a secure person it’s easy to be yourself and not worry about having to play games to get someone to like you.

· Comparing yourself to their exes. There is a reason why your partner and their ex broke up and aren’t together anymore, yet many people still compare themselves to their partners exes. This is a sign of insecurity in the relationship. If you were secure in yourself and your relationships you wouldn’t be comparing yourself to their past partners and worrying about how you measure up.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships

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psych-quotes:

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a strong idea or belief in something that comes true or takes place as a result of our belief that it will. The success of our relationships and our happiness in our relationships is largely impacted on our attitudes about them. Here’s how self-fulfilling prophecies are at play in our relationships:

· Thinking you’re not good enough. If you believe that you aren’t good enough for your partner, you’ll always be finding reasons why this is true. When you are looking for reasons to back up your theory, you’ll find them everywhere. Your lack of confidence will show up every time they talk to another guy/girl, and your insecurity will likely lead to the demise of the relationship. Even though your partner probably doesn’t think so, your belief that you aren’t good enough has the ability to kill the relationship as you act in a way that proves that they are better than you.

· Thinking you don’t deserve to be happy. Lacking self-esteem and self-confidence ultimately translates into a belief that you don’t deserve happiness in your relationships. By thinking this, you will seek out partners that either don’t make you happy, or you’ll sabotage ones that have potential as a defense mechanism. So by believing that you don’t deserve to be happy, your actions will ensure that you never have the chance.

· Thinking that your partner is a loser. If the attraction you once saw in your partner has waned and you now think that they aren’t good enough for you, you’ll start to see evidence of this everywhere. The small flaws that you once overlooked will suddenly be huge and obvious until we can’t take it anymore. This often happens when we decide that we want to break up with someone, and from that moment on we can’t stand to be around him or her.

· Thinking that your relationship is wonderful. Not all self-fulfilling relationship prophecies are negative. In this case, believing that you have a great relationship with a wonderful partner will often be true. Your positive attitude and view of the relationship will help you to overlook flaws and enjoy your partner for all of their good qualities, making you feel happy and satisfied in the relationship. A good attitude can go a long way in being happy in our relationships.

· Thinking you’ll be alone forever. It’s easy for this belief to come true because we simply give up on ourselves and stop trying. Believing that you’ll end up alone can easily be proven correct if you stop looking for love.

· Thinking you’re undesirable. Feeling lousy about ourselves translates into negative emotions that other people pick up on. So believing that no one wants you means that you probably act in such a way that ensures no one will. If you have low self-confidence you probably aren’t coming across as being upbeat, fun, positive, energetic or any of the other things that people look for in a partner. In this way, believing that you’re undesirable to others is a self-fulfilling prophecy that we prove through our negative actions and attitudes.

How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level

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psych-quotes:

In every relationship there are times where you feel ready to take things to the next level. This might mean that you’re ready to be exclusive, you want a more serious commitment, you want to move in together, and so on. When that time comes, how do you go about doing it and how do you know if it’s right? Follow these tips for taking your relationship to the next level:

· You both have to want it. Taking the relationship to the next level will only work when you both want it. If one person wants to be exclusive and the other wants to date other people, it’s never going to work. You need to both be on the same page about wanting to advance things to the next level.

· Think about why you want it. Do you want to commit to the relationship because you’re in love and you feel like it’s the next step in solidifying your relationship? Or are you doing it because you’re afraid of losing them? Or maybe you feel pressured by your friends or partner? Think about the reasons behind wanting to take it to the next level and make sure they are the right ones.

· Is the timing right? It’s important to consider the timing when you’re thinking of taking things to the next level. Did you just start dating or have you been together for a long time? Some decisions like deciding to be exclusive can be right after even just a few dates, and others, like moving in together shouldn’t be rushed and should only be considered when you’ve known each other long enough to be secure in the decision.

· Be clear about what you want. If you’re sure about what you want then it’s time to talk about it with your partner and let them know what you’re thinking of. Be clear with them about what you want. If you’re wishy-washy they won’t really be sure about what you’re asking. Make it really simple for them and be clear about what you want the next step to be.

· Don’t skip ahead. It’s fun to imagine your future together but try not to get too far ahead of yourself and stick to moving up one step at a time. Don’t rush into moving in before you talk about committing to each other, or don’t scare your partner off by talking about your wedding and future babies if you just want to be exclusive. Take it one step at a time.

· Have a plan. Have a plan when you talk to your partner about taking it to the next level and your conversation will go more smoothly. And have an idea in mind about what specifically you want from them. But….be prepared to be flexible. Your plan shouldn’t be set in stone and should leave room for your partner’s feedback and ideas too.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Ending a Dom/sub Relationship in a Healthy Way

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By Master Bishop

While breakups are never easy, they can become more complicated in a BDSM relationship. Because the relationship is based on one person trying to please another, a breakup can seem as though the slave has not done his or her job. Though this might be a part of the reason, usually breakups come from two people growing apart. Whatever the reason, there are better ways to end a BDSM relationship so that the submissive comes out okay in the end. When the submissive is able to feel good about the end of the relationship, they will be able to move into a new submissive role with more knowledge about themselves and how they can be even better for a new dominant.

Set Aside a Time to Talk

One of the best things you can do when you’re trying to end a relationship with a submissive is to set aside a time to talk, one that is away from the dungeon or the playroom where you generally meet. This might be at the submissive’s home, a place where they can feel more comfortable and won’t have to drive anywhere after what can be such an emotionally draining discussion. Make sure each person will be able to stay for as long a conversation as you need to have, and that no one will feel rushed or hurried. The less stress in this discussion, the more you can create a positive result.

Be Clear about Your Motivations for the Breakup

When talking with your submissive about why you want to break up, you need to be clear about the reasons you have. This is not a time for sugarcoating the truth. At the same time, there are nicer ways of being honest with someone else. Try to focus on your motivations, without blaming the slave for the breakup.

Things You need to discuss:

* What’s not working for you in the relationship

* What you’ve done to try to resolve things. Always make sure the submissive was aware of the things you were trying to do to resolve these problems. You should have been discussing these issues with your submissive well in advance and not just blindsiding them with the breakup.

* How the breakup will positively impact the submissive. Sometimes a submissive is just better off serving a different Dom/me, the problem is they just don’t see it at that time.

* How you feel that the breakup will positively impact you. In many BDSM relationships, when you show the slave that you are going to be better off for not being with them, they will want you to make this decision. After all, they want to please you.

Offer Constructive Feedback

If the slave asks for feedback on how they could have done better, you will want to make sure they don’t connect this to the breakup. The main point of a breakup within a BDSM relationship is to show that you are breaking up because some of your needs aren’t being met, but since it’s your job as the dominant to make sure these needs are met, the blame (if there is any to give) is yours alone. You can offer some pieces of constructive feedback that the slave can take into a new relationship, but try to offer more praise than criticism so the slave sees that they have done the best they could.

Cut Off Contact Completely

While this might not seem very supportive, the BDSM relationship should be cut off completely once the breakup has been discussed. If the slave continues to think of you as their Master or Mistress, it can cause troubles for them in their new relationship and it can distract you in your new relationship as well. Stop the relationship entirely by cutting off contact for at least six months, to ensure a smooth transition from one type of relationship to another.

Your submissive can walk away from your breakup, feeling good about themselves and hopeful about their future. Breaking up may not be easy, but it can help everyone get what they want in their next relationship.

How To Be Present In Your Relationships

psych-quotes:

We all have busy lives with lots going on at any given time, and it’s easy to get caught up in thinking of the future and what we need to get done and forget all about where we are in the present moment. Being a distracted partner can be detrimental to your relationship if you’re too focused on either the past or the future instead of the current moment. Here’s how to be present and live in the moment in your relationship:

Leave the past in the past. Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. If you are stuck in the past and can’t stop dwelling on old relationships, scenarios and things you could have done differently, they are bound to get frustrated. You’ll never be able to move forward if you’re stuck dwelling on the past and your partner will likely get sick of waiting for you. Learn to recognize that the past is in the past and that your current relationship is based right now, in the present.

Let the future unfold on its own. If you’re obsessed with thinking about the future, planning ahead and plotting your next move, you’ll miss out on what’s happening in the present moment. Your partner will feel like they aren’t enough to hold your interest, and will resent your lack of focus on where you are right now. If you’re too busy trying to be one step ahead you’ll miss our on the fun and experiences that you’re currently having.

Compartmentalize. This trick really works for assigning a time and place to focus on different things in your life. It won’t be easy at first but you can learn to do it naturally. Make a conscious choice to only think about work when you’re at work, and if you have to think about it outside of that, assign a specific time. Maybe you’ll spend an hour on Sunday mornings planning for the week and checking emails. Then you’ll free up the rest of your time to focus on other things. Do this with work, school, relationships, etc. You won’t feel like you’re neglecting any areas if you know you have time set aside to focus on them.

Unplug. You can’t help but think about work if you are glued to your phone, refreshing your email every two minutes. Or if you’re so engrossed in a text conversation with your two best friends you’ll miss out on spending time on whatever is happening in front of you. Unplug and get away from your devices when you’re spending time with your partner. It will help you to be fully present and in the moment if you’re not carrying on conversations with other people and looking at your cousin’s vacation photos on Facebook.

Slow down. Multitasking can be great and sometimes it’s the only way to get everything done, but it can be harmful too. If you’re so focused on juggling all of the balls you have in the air you won’t have any attention left for your partner. Instead of editing a paper for school while you watch TV while you have dinner with your partner, try just doing one of those things at a time. You’ll be more focused and enjoy your time with your partner more if you’re just hanging out and not trying to do five other things at once.

Simplify. A great way to slow down and be more present is to try and do things more simply. For dates, pick just one thing like dinner or going for a walk together, instead of planning elaborate and complicated evenings. The fewer things you have going on will mean you can devote more attention to just being together, talking and enjoying the moment.

The Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

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fortheloveofasub:

The Dom

The Protector
The Disciplinarian
The Guide
The Nurturer
The Safe Place

The Dom may critique but never criticizes. To critique is to make better. To criticize is to tear down.The Dom reaches for perfection but practices unconditional acceptance for himself as much as for his sub.

The Dom understands that trust is the most important aspect of a relationship and does everything to protect and nurture that.The Dom always acts in the highest good of both. If a decision must be made between the Dom or the sub, the highest good of the sub is paramount.

The Dom may endeavor to break a habit but never to break a spirit.

The Dom cherishes the sub above all else as the most prized possession.

The Dom takes ultimate control, in a situation that has gotten out of control, to protect a sub.

The Dom provides discipline as outlined initially or updated in the definition of the relationship agreed upon by both.

The Dom provides aftercare - without exception - after intense play or discipline.

The Dom guides his sub in areas, where necessary, with the goal of improving the sub in areas initially agreed upon by both.The Dom nurtures when a sub needs it.

The Dom is the sub’s safe place, the place the sub calls “home.” It is a place where unconditional acceptance and compassion are guaranteed.The Dom honors the power of the submission with which they have been entrusted.

The Sub

The Protected
The Disciplined
The Guided
The Nurtured
The Safe Place

The sub differentiates between critique and criticism, responding positively to critiques by the Dom.

The sub strives for perfection but practices unconditional acceptance when evaluating her performance.

The sub gives her trust responsibly and earns the Dom’s trust as well, understanding that it is the most important aspect of a relationship.

The sub knows the Dom always acts in the highest good of both. The sub must always communicate her needs in a clear and respectful manner so that the Dom has the important information necessary to maintain His responsibility.

The sub may never endeavor to diminish her quality with self-depreciation.

The sub values herself as a most prized possession, prioritizing her health and well-being.

The sub yields control to her Dom without hesitation in situations that have gotten out of control.

The sub understands discipline as an integral part of the power exchange, designed to assist her in achieving the goals initially outlined in the confines of the relationship.

The sub understands aftercare as a vital part of the play and discipline process and gives herself openly to it.

The sub is charged with using good judgment in self-governance with the goal of improving in areas initially agreed upon by both.

The sub asks for, and accepts, nurturing provided by the Dom. She also maintains a self-care routine mutually agreed upon. This self-care routine may include, but is not limited to manicures, pedicures, meditation, time with friends or exercise.

The sub is the Dom’s safe place, the place the Dom calls “home.” Its a place where unconditional acceptance and compassion are guaranteed.

The sub reverently gives her power of submission. If at any time she feels that her submission is not being treated reverently by her Dom she must seriously consider rescinding it.


The Relationship

A good D/s relationship has all the characteristics of a good vanilla relationship. The relationship must meet the needs of both participants, serving to enhance life and never causing misery.

Once you have found someone with whom you are building a power exchange relationship, communication is the key. Discovering who each other is, how you have become that person, where you have traveled from and where you see yourself going are all things pertinent to building this relationship. Communication should be easy - without concern and without trying to be something you are not. 

Honesty is paramount. There’s no point in pretending to be someone other than who you are. Eventually the truth will come to light and the relationship will fall apart. It is better to be just who you are from the start. 

Sharing your dreams, goals and aspirations are as necessary in a power exchange relationship as in any relationship.

Establishing the outline of your relationship will be next. Your relationship will have a higher chance of success if you discuss your needs and wants at the beginning. Going into a relationship with unexpressed expectations is a fatal error. 

Speak honestly about what you expect from a partner. What gives you pleasure? How do you know you are loved? What are you looking for from a power exchange relationship? What do you picture the relationship will look like? What are your hard and soft limits? Safe words? 

Then, listen openly to their expectations as well. Communication is always a two way street.

Once you spend time getting to know each other and discussing the relationship you can relax into the dynamics of the relationship. See how things flow between you. Reevaluate and assess how things are going. Are your needs being met? Does the energy flow between you seem to be easy and reciprocal? Are you giving as much as you are receiving? 

Even though this is a D/s relationship, the needs and input of a sub are as important to the success as the Dom’s. If there is disappointment then determine if you can redefine some things. It may even be necessary to end the relationship.

If you decide to continue the relationship, under the same parameters or renegotiated ones, the relationship should proceed to develop smoothly. Periodic reevaluation is crucial to ensure that both parties’ needs are met as the relationship develops. Neither party should remain in a relationship that does not serve their highest good.

Stop Arguments Before They Start

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psych-quotes:

It’s good to argue from time to time, and it’s not realistic to agree on everything. But many of our arguments can be nipped in the bud if we employ some communication techniques. Here’s how to spend more time happy and less time fighting by stopping arguments before they start:

Address issues ASAP. When you are upset or annoyed about something and keep silent about it, it only festers and grows bigger and becomes harder to ignore. When something is bothering you, get into the habit of telling your partner about it right away, rather than letting it build up inside of you. Clear the air as soon as you can so you can move on, instead of silently stewing over it.

Move on from old fights. Holding grudges isn’t fair to you or your partner. If you’ve said that you’ve forgiven them, then you need to be true to your word. It’s not fun for you to stay mad about something that should have been cleared up. It’s not useful to either of you to hold on to old issues and keep bringing them up. When you end an argument and make up, make sure you really move on and leave it in the past.

Don’t just say it’s fine. If you’re still upset about something then just say so. Saying you’re fine and then getting mad later only means that it’s been brewing inside of you and that you’ve mislead your partner to think that you’re not mad. If you’re upset then just get it out into the open rather than postponing an argument with passive aggressive comments.

Give them the benefit of the doubt. Before you jump to get mad at your partner for something they’ve done wrong, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they didn’t mean it. This can diffuse so many arguments because we spend lots of time being mad about things that they didn’t intend the way we’ve interpreted them. They probably didn’t mean anything by what they said or did, so instead of getting in a twist about it, just try to cut them some slack.

Let the little stuff go. In relationships we need to pick our battles or we run the risk of nitpicking or nagging. You can’t get mad at your partner for every little thing that they do that gets on your nerves or you’ll likely be fighting all the time. Let the small stuff go and just bring up the larger, overarching issues that are bugging you.

Address your feelings, not just the actions. When you’re upset about something try saying something like, “I really felt unappreciated when you don’t ask for my opinion” instead of just saying, “you don’t ask for my opinion”.They are probably aware of their actions, so if you’re going to bring it up in a conversation, make sure you explain to them how it made you feel or why it’s a problem. Unless they understand why something is a problem they are likely to think it’s not a big deal and just keep doing it.

Are you really mad? Before you get mad at your partner for doing something, ask yourself if you’re really actually mad at them or if you’re just taking your frustrations or bad mood out on them? We often get grouchy and lash out at the people closest to us, even if they haven’t done anything wrong. You can avoid a lot of arguments if you realize that you’re simply in a bad mood and adjust your attitude.

Factors That Make A Relationship

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psych-quotes:

Relationships are complex entities, made up of a number of factors that all need to come together to make it work. While no two relationships are the same, they share some common factors that come together to help form a winning combination. Here are some of the factors that make a relationship:

Chemistry. This is probably the factor that differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship more than anything else. Chemistry, physical attraction, lust or whatever you want to call it, is that extra spark that makes us attracted to our partners above anyone else. Chemistry can fade or intensify or change over the course of the relationship but it’s important that it’s there. Even if you’re part of a long-term relationship it’s still important to feel that spark for your partner.

Timing. There might be two people who would be perfect together in every way, but if the timing isn’t right the relationship may not ever get off the ground. Both people need to be available and in the right time at the right place so that they can come together to form a relationship.People are often not single at the same time and may be interested in each other for a while before a relationship can actually happen.

Openness. In addition to simple being available and being in the right place, both people need to be open to the relationship. If one person isn’t interested, doesn’t want a commitment, or simply doesn’t want to get involved with anyone, then the relationship won’t go anywhere. Both people need to be open to experiencing love and commitment in order for the relationship to move forward.

Trust. Relationships take more than two people liking each other or having fun together. They need to be able to trust each other and rely on each other. Trust is something that forms over time, so you need to invest in the early stages of the relationship before you can really tell if this is someone that you can trust your emotions with.

Willingness to make an effort. Relationships take commitment, time and energy and both people need to be able and willing to make this effort. The relationship won’t work if one person isn’t able or willing to put in the effort. One person can’t do all of the work in a relationship or they will burn out and come to resent the other person. Both people need to be in a place in their lives where they are willing to put the energy in to foster the relationship.

Bond. There is a special bond that exists between successful couples. It’s hard to define what it is, but there is something that they share between them that draws them together and brings them closer. Without that special bond you might have fun together or like each other, but the relationship won’t move forward to a closer, more intimate place.

Commitment. Both people need to have a desire to be together and commit to each other. If you want to date other people or aren’t ready to get tied down yet, you won’t be able to enjoy all of the benefits of being in a relationship and having a committed partner. While commitment takes away some of your freedom, it’s worth it when you find the right person.

BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways

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queersubgeekery:

The thing about BDSM is D/s is that control is always equal in both parties.

How, you say? Let me explain.

Dominants:

Take care of the submissive’s needs as they need them, whether it be structure through daily routines or spankings.

Are seen as the “dominant” figure of the relationships. (Seen as in “is in the position knowledgeable by both parties.” This is how they view each other.)

Love and care for their submissive.

Think on the well being of their submissive first, and concern their own opinions second. If a dominant thinks of themselves as the most important person in the relationship, they are probably not an actual dominant. Just a controlling person.

Are not mind readers. They require communication to as much as any relationship would.

Take responsibilities for their own downfalls and make sure not to make mistakes that would harm their submissive in any way.

Know the difference between harm and hurt. While some submissives like to hurt, no one ever wants to be harmed on either side.

Submissives:

Make it a point to serve their dominants because that is what makes them happy.

Take care of their dominants just as much as the dominants take care of them. Powerplay does not equate to inequality in any aspects.

Need structure that the dominant is giving, and are responsible for making sure to communicate their needs to them in order for a relationship to work.

Work on their own personal struggles through their dominants. Sometimes after a long day, you just want to forget about how much work you have to do and focus on something else.

There are different types of BDSM and D/s lifestyles:

Bedroom BDSM and D/s, which is generally recreational and sex-based BDSM. I.e., If your girlfriend likes to call you “Master” in bed and enjoys a spanking as foreplay.

Lifestyle D/s, in which a dominant and a submissive are roles in a relationship. This includes aspects of powerplay that are continued outside of the bedroom and are maintained in real-life situations. I.e., A submissive has a spending limit when they go shopping. If they want to spend over the amount allotted, they have to have permission.

Then we have switches. They do their own thing, and that’s just fine.

Daddy/Mommy & little, where the dominant figure takes on a more paternal role, that doesn’t necessarily include incestuous or pedophallic desires, and the submissive takes on a childlike mindset.

I’m sure there are a few more to write, but they’re spread out and far in between, but the general idea is, there are a LOT of ways to play out what you like.

There are many different ways to play it out! Whether you like to roleplay, or you control orgasms, or if you spoil them with sweets and spank them when they’re bad, BDSM and D/s is just as healthy a relationship for some as a “vanilla relationship” is for some people. Everyone does something different!

The thing that most people don’t remember is that this is the Internet, and the online world is not full of good people like we’d like to think. There are bad people out there, abusers and rapists and they’re online with us, so it’s important for the community to learn the difference between what’s actual violence and what’s consensual between two people in a loving, caring relationship.

Because when it comes down to it, the rules of SSC is what braces every value of BDSM and D/s. Safe. Sane. Consensual.

If the relationship is not ALL of these things (not just two out of three) it is not BDSM or D/s. It is abuse.

And that’s what you all need to realize.

The Heartache of a Breakup: Recovering from a BDSM Relationship Ending

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From Submissiveguide:

I've not experienced a D/s breakup and I hope I will never have to, but I have experienced heartache and divorce so I'm drawing my experience of those to write this post. I do hope that it will help those of you going through the painful time from the realization of the end and through your recovery.

The breakup of a relationship is a difficult time for those involved. It is fraught with emotion and frustration. It makes it even more painful when the lines of trust are cemented like those in a D/s relationship. Likened to going through a period of grief you are sure to experience an array of feelings that can vary from fear, anger, rage, and denial. Everyone goes through these stages at different rates and I can't say if or when you'll ever get over a particularly powerful relationship or an explosive ending.

What I do know is that there are five steps you can do to help ease you through this hard time and come out the other side with new hope, treasured memories and valuable experience. Let me walk you through each of these and we'll see if it doesn't work a little magic on your torn heart.

1. Accept that your relationship is over.

Clinging to the possibility that you will get back together will only create a pain you can't repair. Even if you do get back together with an old flame, this would be a new relationship and you can never start up right where you left off. New relationships, former Dominants or not, are always new.

If you have broken amicably then you still need a time where you don't speak to, hang out with or spend any thoughts on your past partner. This will not only help you sever thoughts of partnership and control but will aide your future friendship with them. Please keep your fingers off the text messages, phone calls and emails as well! Take a break from them for awhile.

Once you can accept that your current relationship is over you can start to recover.

2. Make a plan for each day.

It's alright to have days to spend laying about in your comfy pajamas and eating pints of ice cream, but at some point, you need to continue with your life. Step by step, day by day you can make a plan to get your everyday things done while you reconcile your relationship's end.

Getting your errands done and keeping some semblance of order will make you feel good. Even if you only plan an hour at a time you need to carry on little steps at a time.

3. Love yourself.

Take care of yourself. Get a haircut, manicure, go to a movie you've wanted to see. Do things that will make you feel good about being you. Treat yourself to something special. Also, make a time to reflect on your past relationship and what you've learned, how you've grown and what memories you want to remember. Everything you experience shapes you and this is a good time to learn what has been good for you and what you should change.

4. Accept help.
Your friends are there for your support. Let them in. You don't have to do this alone. I'm sure your friends have had lost loves and broken relationships and they can help you through your troubled time and come out the other end lightened in weight and with less grief. Allow them to help you with anything they want while you are recovering from the loss.

Your family can also be a valuable asset. They love you and want to help you cheer up. It may seem annoying at first but trust me, it's well worth hearing Aunt Margie tell you of all the cute guys at her office building that would be 'perfect' for you. They all mean well, take their advice and do what you will with it.

5. Let go.

Lastly, but not any less important is to let go. Go through those old pictures and trinkets you've saved that remind you of your relationship. Get rid of them. Even if at first it's just in a box in the closet, get them out of your view. Out of sight, out of mind really does work. You may not even know that some things are triggering your thoughts. Stand at the door of every room and scan everything in the room. If you walk past something that tugs at your heart-strings weeks later, remove it. This includes not listening to music or watching movies that may have triggers to you. Once you can separate the emotions from the object you can bring it back. For me, I had to finally throw out the entire box of items. It took me 4 years.

When you are ready you can start to consider dating, but don't do it if you are still working through these five steps. Trying to date or play too early means you aren't fully engaged in what's going on and can be a waste of time for that new person. Just tell them you aren't ready to date yet. If they respect you they will wait. And if they won't, well, it's their loss.

You are worth it. Take care of yourself. Let your heart ache, but repair it too. Learn from the experience. It's never easy, but I hope that I've helped you see the end of the dark tunnel.

Thoughts to Ponder
How do you handle breakups?
How long do you typically go between relationships? What do you do with the time you have in between relationships?
Have you ever gotten back together with your ex? Did it work? Why or why not?