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I’m married. We’ve been a couple for just under 25y, married just under 5y. I also have a SIR: I’ve been his boy for just under a couple of years. I have two boys of my own as well, and now a prospective third boy. Some of them also have other important relationships.Thank You For Sharing So Freely And Authentically!
I love my husband deeply, but we are not sexually compatible. Never were, really. I went without sexual gratification for 20y of my time with my hubby. For a lot of that time, it was OK because I was on meds that killed my libido.
The picture on that changed about 3y ago, and not only did I regain my libido, my urges for BDSM - long suppressed - also came alive. I agonized over it for months before finally talking to RD.
I was afraid that he would think I was somehow rejecting him, somehow no longer in love with him. Not so! I did screw up my courage to broach the subject and he stunned me by telling me to go explore, find out. So, I took some steps, carefully, always keeping in mind my responsibility to safeguard myself and my husband.
Skipping over a lot of details, I connected with my SIR, MASTER R. Things worked out and he’s taken me as one of his boys. Not long after that, again skipping a bunch of details, I discovered a Dominant side to myself, much to my surprise. This soon led to me being involved with Collin (who passed away last November) and Jim. Then Doug this year and now a prospect, pj.
Let me say that Collin, Doug, and I all knew each other for years through Border Riders MC, so they were not new to my life. Discovering we clicked emotionally in a D/s fashion was a surprise, though! I love each of them. Not ‘like strongly’. Love. No qualifications.
I am finding this all to be both simple and complex. Simple, in that it’s just easy to love each of them. Most natural thing in the world where my heart is concerned. It’s complicated in making sure my husband never has cause to doubt that he is number one in my life.
Complicated in scheduling time with my SIR and my boys. Complicated in making decisions that affect each of them. I can’t imagine this will all be stable for any great length of time. I do my best to look after everybody’s hearts as best I can.
No, I am not responsible for how anybody else feels, but I am responsible for being honest with them, for treating them carefully. For communicating clearly. For respecting each of them. For doing what I can to bring happiness to all of us.
But doesn’t this sound complicated for a man just barely 2 years into exploring more of himself? You have alluded to a fair number of men in your life. I can imagine you’ve been (or are?) in situations as complex or nearly so. And I can only imagine that there are other gay men who find themselves not only in polyamorous circumstances, but poly circumstances that also involve D/s.
I am wondering if this might not be a topic for an article or a serious of articles. For myself, additional insight is welcome, anything that might help me better navigate all this for the sake of everybody involved.
I am glad to know you better. By sharing with me, you are opening up the possibility that others will see themselves in our testimony.
I have seen hundreds and hundreds of Leather Families in my life. A recent Playboy interview uses a term for interrelationships that I rather like: “Polycules.” It sounds really, really appropriate. It makes me visualize this:
I have seen Leather Families as complex as the one in this diagram. I was even part of an even larger one - I am the only survivor remaining, out a Leather Family comprising nearly forty men. All of the others died of AIDS right away, between 1981 and 1987.
I had several roles in that huge Leather Family: I was a young “Sir in Training” (I’ve ever been anyone’s submissive), and I was the Binding Force, even back then, as inexperienced as I was. I was the glue that tied everybody together, and I was GOOD at it, at least until the funerals started. My ability to gather us together broke down at that point.
MANY of these men would never have known each other, much less found deep, loving pleasure in their mature connections, if they hadn’t met me. Even when I was just starting to dip my toes into my interpersonal superpowers, I could bring folks together in kindness and authentic pleasure.
This Is Where It Gets Esoteric
What I am proposing is based upon my own direct experience, but it is NOT a common topic of discussion.
I have something “extra” in my innate abilities. Having mentored a lot of highly-perceptive folks over the decades, I am pretty firm in my opinion:
As easily as a sighted person can see the moon at night, or a stop sign at a street corner, I can see when it is time for things to change in a group of people of ANY size, and what to do about it.
It is as easy as breathing, particularly when it is consciously mastered. I have coached several generations of community leaders who have opened up themselves to that part of their nature, and SUCCEEDED. These same innate skills are effective in couples, small groups, roomsful of people, and massive crowds. They scale right up.
I have hosted over 3,000 social events for kinky folks, from small gatherings to massive international events, and they have all been SWEET, peaceful and kind. No exceptions.
Huh? That’s not the first word that arises in most folks’ minds when it comes to gatherings of leather-clad Dominants and submissives, each with insecurities, and many of them with egos the size of Montana. Yet, that is what showed up 100% of the time, but never at random.
I opened up my senses, and I guided the flow at every event. When this process is happening, I am in an exalted state. I experience a huge endorphin-rush of continuous pleasure and peace. Afterward, I crash. This is normal.
What Guiding The Flow Feels Like
After publicizing an event, I will be present when folks arrive. I will ignore the folks who are already comfortable and have their needs met. I will focus exclusively upon the new, the shy and the uncertain. I will welcome them, tell them how to fit in, and introduce them around.
At the same time, my perceptual “antennas” will be at full extension, scanning the area. I will pick up a subtle glitch in the environment, pardon myself, head elsewhere and handle it. Then, I will smoothly return to what was happening before.
If Tumblr refuses to animate the graphic, click here.
I created this image of myself to illustrate a concept: Imagine me licking the tip of my finger and reaching out to go “ssssshhh…” as I gently put out a tiny fire while it is just starting to form.
I perceive a problem at a gathering, and fix it, before anybody else even noticed that anything was amiss. So, everybody goes their separate ways after an event, marveling at how NICE everybody was.
Rinse and repeat, thousands of times.
This is NOT Normal. Yet, It’s Real.
This ability is rare. It’s a lot like being able to see into the ultraviolet spectrum, or like having a third eye in the middle of your forehead. There is a delightful book written about folks like us:
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. The author describes the main subject of his book as “thin-slicing”: our ability to use limited information from a very narrow period of experience to come to a conclusion. This idea suggests that spontaneous decisions are often as good as—or even better than—carefully planned and considered ones.
He brings up actual brain-structures (”spindle cells”) that provide this “extra” ability in a few blessed individuals.
The Downsides
Having this ability, but having no logical words to describe it, is a big problem for a lot of people. They think that there is something wrong with them. I have to talk a few of them off of the ledge (metaphorically speaking) every year. They really like learning that their specialness is a blessing, and not a problem.
Our huge perceptual “antennas” can make us feel overwhelmed in crowds sometimes, because we can perceive on a massive scale, but not past a certain point. We overload.
Superman Needs His Fortress Of Solitude
In theory, Superman can hit 5,000 home runs per second. It doesn’t mean that he WANTS to do this continuously, for weeks at a time.
Guiding the flow in a large group, or at a public event requires a lot of processing power, and it can wear yer poor tired brain OUT. So, consciously and habitually schedule some time off. Be clear about your boundaries. Reassure the folks who love and support you that being “down” for a while is natural and desirable. You’ll bounce back soon enough.
Did I Leave You Dangling? Sorry.
Every word of what I post in my writings is primarily aimed at the perceptive, intuitive ones. I can’t express myself in any other way.
I don’t have millions of followers here.
So much for QUANTITY. Big deal.
I’m much more pleased with the QUALITY of those who I am able to touch, move and inspire. Like you.
It’s no accident that you have sent me such a powerful, exciting testimonial about your life as it shows up. You intuitively trusted that I would immediately GET where you are coming from, and I do.
I assert that’s there’s a big, fat BRAG in the midst of your sharing, brother, and I like that plenty. You are starting to realize just how big and strong your wings are. You are reaching out to someone who shares that same joy, and can relate 100 percent.
Yes, you are the “Glue” that binds your Leather Family together, using your innate abilities. Better still, you’re getting better and better at it. Sooner or later, with some experimentation (and after a few faceplant failures), you’ll find your comfy balance.
Long after you and I are both gone, the legend of what we accomplished will live onward in the loving memories of the young ones who we have touched, moved and inspired.
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