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dirtydaddythings:
When he would get angry at you, he’d apologize and be so sweet to you afterward, that the only answer to the question of what was broken had to be you. He showed you how much he still cared, and how much it angered and frustrated him that you suddenly, or slowly, became unworthy of him. All you wanted was his affection, for him to need you in return and for him to care for you the way you cared for him.
You even thought if you loved him enough, the way he told you to, that things would get better. Even the things that hurt most, that you were too fat and ugly to be loved, being accused of sleeping around like a whore, being more like some dog than a man, even those things started to fit you like old clothing.
You remember, every day, how happy you were, and every day you try your hardest to be the person he wants and needs you to be so that he loves you again.You stop talking to your friends, they wouldn’t understand and since he was right so often, they wouldn’t like the you that you had become. It’s never about when you want to be intimate or want his attention, because your timing is always bad, or you initiate things in the wrong way.
You remember, every day, how happy you were, and every day you try your hardest to be the person he wants and needs you to be so that he loves you again.You stop talking to your friends, they wouldn’t understand and since he was right so often, they wouldn’t like the you that you had become. It’s never about when you want to be intimate or want his attention, because your timing is always bad, or you initiate things in the wrong way.
You just can’t get out of your own way, everything you do, even little things, just seem to get under his skin. You know that even if he were to hit you, it would be for your own good, to smarten you up or to help you ‘man up’ and be tougher than the weak, soft, and almost useless thing you’d become.
Love, it seems, turned you into something frail, stupid and constantly smothering, too far removed, or just clumsy to really be worth the time. So you wait for him to call or just to respond, cry when you are alone because he can’t stand the sight and cannot seem to feel anything good at all unless he gives it to you. That person, the one who wanted love, was wrong. The one who thought he could have happily ever after was a fool, a child and was not even worthy of sitting in the corner with someone like him.
He’s never wrong, especially about you, and you now it. He doesn’t even have to tell you anymore, you are sure he is because he was so right about you. The best thing you could do with your life is to obey him, to be there when he called for you, and to give him whatever he wants. He’s right because those moments when he calls you, when he wants something from you, are the ones that make you the happiest you’ve ever felt because he needs you even if its just for a few moments. They make you so happy you want to cry, and sometimes you do, and it ruins the moment and make him angry. It’s not punishment, when he stops talking to you for a long time, its what you deserve and you know it.
You wish he weren’t so right about you, but he is. He’s even right about your friends. They stopped talking to you after a while, told you they didn’t like what they saw, but they could never understand because you could never tell them how perfect he was, and just how awful a person you really are. It never changes because you aren’t strong enough, or good enough, to love him enough or be a better person to fix what’s wrong. You know it’s you, it has to be, because you were so happy when it started. He loved you, made you feel so special and precious to him, but you just weren’t who he thought you were. You know he still cares for you, otherwise he wouldn’t get so angry at you.
This is not love.
Love is not about who is in right or wrong, good or bad, who is prettiest, smartest or best between two people in love. Each of you is clearly the better partner in the other persons eyes. Love is about mutual support, companionship, respect and enjoying being around each other. It IS about needing the other, but not like this.
People like this use the nature of love against the person that falls in love with them to gain an advantage and uses it to control their partners behavior. How they treat you is so very often exactly how they feel about themselves, what they have been told to believe about being weak enough to love someone, that most of what they say isn’t even about you. It’s about themselves, a person they need to see through someones eyes that aren’t theirs. Their self image is always seen in a fun house mirror, warped and twisted to make themselves feel better about the bad things that really are inside them.
This is not respect.
In any relationship, respect is a crucial foundation component. Trust, respect and mutual companionship are critical to any relationship that will last, and these become tools to twist you around, bend you to their will, and take away any positive self esteem that you had before meeting these people. If he respected you, even a little, he would not belittle you the way he does. You may fear he is right when it starts, because very often you haven’t had a great deal of experience in relationships, or what you have has been bad, much like him.
Your self respect, your friends and family, any way out at all for you, is a threat to him and you’ve seen how he responds to threats like those. He slowly walked you away from your support until you realized you have no one at all to talk to anymore. He’s guided you slowly until you are all alone, which is exactly where you have to be for him to feel safe.
This is not caring.
Caring is a whole different experience from this, and usually you get a taste of it like a sample from a drug dealer to get you hooked and needing more. Caring for each other makes you stronger, gives you confidence to make decisions and is there to comfort you when you make mistakes. it is not, repeat NOT, about fulfilling their needs over yours, it is not about sacrificing everything for someone else, especially not when there is nothing given in return.
A pat on the head, a smile, or even sex are not gratitude for your efforts, nor should they be seen that way. Yes it is important in a relationship to be grateful for each other, but the reciprocity and mutuality must be there or it is a fantasy and not reality, and usually not your fantasy past the honeymoon phase.
This is NOT what you deserve.
He was so wonderful up front, the perfect man, charming, smart, kind, sweet.. all the things you believed you wanted and deserved in a partner. He paid attention to you, gave you things, treated you like a prince, made you feel so loved and cared for that your heart felt like it was going to explode in your chest. You deserve those things, but not at this cost. They should be given by both of you, not expected or demanded from you and you alone, as if the only person responsible for maintaining the relationship was you.
So often victims, yes VICTIMS, of this kind of predator are made to believe that it is entirely what they deserve because every fault in the relationship is the victims responsibility. The smallest flaw becomes a huge problem, and because it is even partially right, the victim believes themselves the cause of everything wrong.
This is not your fault.
The hardest thing to hear is that it ISN’T your fault. It doesn’t matter if its been two months or ten years living like this, it can happen to anyone and happens so often without being spoken of that no one believes it. 1 in 4 to 1 in 3 GLBT people experience this, and of those, few will report or try to escape it because they are blackmailed into silence by threats of being outed, embarrassed or worse.
Society sets up expectations of being treated poorly because as a minority we are already used to this from other people, and that makes us very easy targets for people like this. The absence of legal recognition of the relationship reinforces this and enables the abuse to go on without repercussion.
Going Forward:
You need to know that you are not alone, this doesn’t just happen to you, and it is not something you did wrong. You couldn’t have known, and should not blame yourself for it happening this way, there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have made this any different. It is how these people go about their lives, because of their own history of abuse and their own psychological issues.
They say it is all your fault, but the reality is, if you look at it, that it really is all about them. How they talk to you, how they treat you, how they make you feel.. all of this belongs to them, not you. Don’t carry their broken self esteem like it’s your cross to bear. It’s not. You DESERVE love. You DESERVE respect and most of all you DESERVE to be happy.
The first step to changing this, to getting out of it and recovering is recognizing what is happening to you for what it is: abuse. The second step is remembering you are not alone. You are not the first person to suffer like this, and while your heart is breaking, there are still people out there who care about you and will help you recover from this. That is what love is.
Love is respect, caring, companionship, compassion and most of all:
Love is what you deserve.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/power-and-control-wheel
http://www.americanprogress.org/issues/lgbt/news/2011/06/14/9850/domestic-violence-in-the-lgbt-community/
http://www.thegavoice.com/news/national-news/5774-cdc-lesbian-gay-domestic-violence-rates-same-or-higher-than-heterosexuals
http://www.safehorizon.org/index/get-help-8/call-our-hotlines-51.html
Love, it seems, turned you into something frail, stupid and constantly smothering, too far removed, or just clumsy to really be worth the time. So you wait for him to call or just to respond, cry when you are alone because he can’t stand the sight and cannot seem to feel anything good at all unless he gives it to you. That person, the one who wanted love, was wrong. The one who thought he could have happily ever after was a fool, a child and was not even worthy of sitting in the corner with someone like him.
He’s never wrong, especially about you, and you now it. He doesn’t even have to tell you anymore, you are sure he is because he was so right about you. The best thing you could do with your life is to obey him, to be there when he called for you, and to give him whatever he wants. He’s right because those moments when he calls you, when he wants something from you, are the ones that make you the happiest you’ve ever felt because he needs you even if its just for a few moments. They make you so happy you want to cry, and sometimes you do, and it ruins the moment and make him angry. It’s not punishment, when he stops talking to you for a long time, its what you deserve and you know it.
You wish he weren’t so right about you, but he is. He’s even right about your friends. They stopped talking to you after a while, told you they didn’t like what they saw, but they could never understand because you could never tell them how perfect he was, and just how awful a person you really are. It never changes because you aren’t strong enough, or good enough, to love him enough or be a better person to fix what’s wrong. You know it’s you, it has to be, because you were so happy when it started. He loved you, made you feel so special and precious to him, but you just weren’t who he thought you were. You know he still cares for you, otherwise he wouldn’t get so angry at you.
This is not love.
Love is not about who is in right or wrong, good or bad, who is prettiest, smartest or best between two people in love. Each of you is clearly the better partner in the other persons eyes. Love is about mutual support, companionship, respect and enjoying being around each other. It IS about needing the other, but not like this.
People like this use the nature of love against the person that falls in love with them to gain an advantage and uses it to control their partners behavior. How they treat you is so very often exactly how they feel about themselves, what they have been told to believe about being weak enough to love someone, that most of what they say isn’t even about you. It’s about themselves, a person they need to see through someones eyes that aren’t theirs. Their self image is always seen in a fun house mirror, warped and twisted to make themselves feel better about the bad things that really are inside them.
This is not respect.
In any relationship, respect is a crucial foundation component. Trust, respect and mutual companionship are critical to any relationship that will last, and these become tools to twist you around, bend you to their will, and take away any positive self esteem that you had before meeting these people. If he respected you, even a little, he would not belittle you the way he does. You may fear he is right when it starts, because very often you haven’t had a great deal of experience in relationships, or what you have has been bad, much like him.
Your self respect, your friends and family, any way out at all for you, is a threat to him and you’ve seen how he responds to threats like those. He slowly walked you away from your support until you realized you have no one at all to talk to anymore. He’s guided you slowly until you are all alone, which is exactly where you have to be for him to feel safe.
This is not caring.
Caring is a whole different experience from this, and usually you get a taste of it like a sample from a drug dealer to get you hooked and needing more. Caring for each other makes you stronger, gives you confidence to make decisions and is there to comfort you when you make mistakes. it is not, repeat NOT, about fulfilling their needs over yours, it is not about sacrificing everything for someone else, especially not when there is nothing given in return.
A pat on the head, a smile, or even sex are not gratitude for your efforts, nor should they be seen that way. Yes it is important in a relationship to be grateful for each other, but the reciprocity and mutuality must be there or it is a fantasy and not reality, and usually not your fantasy past the honeymoon phase.
This is NOT what you deserve.
He was so wonderful up front, the perfect man, charming, smart, kind, sweet.. all the things you believed you wanted and deserved in a partner. He paid attention to you, gave you things, treated you like a prince, made you feel so loved and cared for that your heart felt like it was going to explode in your chest. You deserve those things, but not at this cost. They should be given by both of you, not expected or demanded from you and you alone, as if the only person responsible for maintaining the relationship was you.
So often victims, yes VICTIMS, of this kind of predator are made to believe that it is entirely what they deserve because every fault in the relationship is the victims responsibility. The smallest flaw becomes a huge problem, and because it is even partially right, the victim believes themselves the cause of everything wrong.
This is not your fault.
The hardest thing to hear is that it ISN’T your fault. It doesn’t matter if its been two months or ten years living like this, it can happen to anyone and happens so often without being spoken of that no one believes it. 1 in 4 to 1 in 3 GLBT people experience this, and of those, few will report or try to escape it because they are blackmailed into silence by threats of being outed, embarrassed or worse.
Society sets up expectations of being treated poorly because as a minority we are already used to this from other people, and that makes us very easy targets for people like this. The absence of legal recognition of the relationship reinforces this and enables the abuse to go on without repercussion.
Going Forward:
You need to know that you are not alone, this doesn’t just happen to you, and it is not something you did wrong. You couldn’t have known, and should not blame yourself for it happening this way, there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have made this any different. It is how these people go about their lives, because of their own history of abuse and their own psychological issues.
They say it is all your fault, but the reality is, if you look at it, that it really is all about them. How they talk to you, how they treat you, how they make you feel.. all of this belongs to them, not you. Don’t carry their broken self esteem like it’s your cross to bear. It’s not. You DESERVE love. You DESERVE respect and most of all you DESERVE to be happy.
The first step to changing this, to getting out of it and recovering is recognizing what is happening to you for what it is: abuse. The second step is remembering you are not alone. You are not the first person to suffer like this, and while your heart is breaking, there are still people out there who care about you and will help you recover from this. That is what love is.
Love is respect, caring, companionship, compassion and most of all:
Love is what you deserve.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/power-and-control-wheel
http://www.americanprogress.org/issues/lgbt/news/2011/06/14/9850/domestic-violence-in-the-lgbt-community/
http://www.thegavoice.com/news/national-news/5774-cdc-lesbian-gay-domestic-violence-rates-same-or-higher-than-heterosexuals
http://www.safehorizon.org/index/get-help-8/call-our-hotlines-51.html
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