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Question: For both Doms and sub just beginning their search, what is "standard" protocol: meeting face to face early on or getting acquainted via chat and phone calls? Thanks for being an ongoing source of intelligent advice.
servanttrainer:
When I was doing serious hunting, I did so through leather bars, leather groups and friends with similar interests, so I don’t have a lot of experience with this hunting style. So give my comments what they are worth.
Men I have spoken with who hunt this way have told me that if the other party has not been willing to meet face-to-face after three to four chat/email sessions, they do not believe the other person is serious. I have heard the same thing from my heterosexual friends who have used dating/matching sites.
At the same time, I know of some men who enjoy online domination/submission and do not have any real desire to meet the other person in real time. In which case, there is no protocol for how soon the two should meet.
Papa Tony:
Being a perceptive older man, with old habits, I could not IMAGINE any useful reason to meet up with a prospective submissive play-partner for a one-on-one first scene together, without meeting in a neutral space beforehand. Usually, at a coffee shop, for a good, long chat.
I Am Broadband By Nature
Plain text is useless to me, when evaluating somebody. The information bandwidth is hardly even a trickle. I can't make valid decisions about somebody with only 1.7% of the information I need. I trust my intuition. Sitting across from somebody, entirely away of the playroom environment, casually chatting before bringing up more serious topics, gives me more of what I want:
- Eye-contact
- Breathing patterns
- Muscle-tension
- Body-Language
- Pupil Dilation
- Sudden, involuntary reactions to what is said.
I am physically imposing, and very well-known locally as an experienced Dom. Chances are very good that my prospective playmate is intimidated, and even scared. He's all tied up in knots, inside his head. His horniness should never take precedence over his desire to make a good choice.
He may lack confidence in his ability to discern MY intentions, and he has heard horror stories about cruel Doms, while browsing on the Internet.
It's my goal to take ownership of the conversation, and to guide it into ever-increasing trust.
I Am As Transparent As Water
Trust must be earned. It can't be demanded. In order to end up with an absolutely transcendent play-scene together later on, it is MY job to create "Trust With A Capital T". I do this by being as real as any human being can be. I strip off all artifice, being metaphorically naked in all ways.
Yes, we are still inside the coffee shop at this point! 😀
I don't try to "sell" myself as being Mister Ultimate DomlyDom Who Never Fails. I know what I am good for, and I am also able to have a good chuckle at my foibles. Admitting a few foibles is reassuring when engaging in a conversation with somebody who wants the full picture… Not just the shiny side that most folks project.
It's okay to be human. Any playmate who thinks otherwise is under the impression that "kink exists only as a live-action porn movie". Either they let go of that fallacy, or they get the heck out of my life.
Telling some stories from past scenes is entertaining, but it's also a good idea for letting the sub see how you are BE-ING… casual, peaceful, informative, attentive and focused. The sub will perceive "STRENGTH" as opposed to "FORCE". This is a healthy and evolved way to be. It's also the purest form of seduction.
Getting Inside The Sub's Physical Space
I may even gesture to the sub that I want to hold his hand, right there in full view of the dozens of students working on their laptops, all around us. I do this to show MY comfort in exhibiting Public Displays of Affection, and I also do this because it is VERY hard to bullshit somebody when you are close and in physical contact.
If I was theoretically standing eight feet away from him, barking out statements in a monotone, then that is not a comforting and reassuring behavior. Being up close, making periodic, authentic and kindly eye-contact, being a good example of a patient, attentive and comfortable Sir? That's how to seduce a timid but eager submissive.
Making Them Jump Through Flaming Hoops
I have said this before: Young folks have trouble detecting subtle social signals, because they have spent way too much time staring at digital screens. No matter WHAT age a sub may be, I have no interest in flakes. If I tell a prospective playmate "I will see you at such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time," I am actually administering a test. If they
- Never show up, or
- Show up 47 minutes late without calling ahead, or
- Never show up but text me a day later with some lame-ass excuse
Then they never get another chance to ride the Tony Train. My time is too damn valuable to waste on somebody who has not made adult decisions about how they will interact with others. I have raised six foster kids to full adulthood. There are too many eager subs in the world for me to teach a full-grown ADULT how to have basic good manners.
Deconstructing an Invitation
When I invited that new sub to meet with me at a neutral space, I was consciously creating an "invitation". In order for an invitation to be complete, it has to be fully understood by all, and it works best when there is a specific time for completion.
Once an invitation has been extended and clearly understood, then the recipient of that invitation has three valid choices. They are welcome to
Accept ("I'm here, right on time! <<<tail wagging>>> Aren't I a good boy?"),
Decline ("I'm not comfortable meeting face to face yet."), or
Renegotiate ("I am on my way, but traffic is terrible. I may be a few minutes late.")
I am fine with any of those choices. That's how invitations work.
What does NOT provide a valid fourth reaction is AVOIDANCE. Yeah, I get it - Maybe the sub is unable to get past the fright-factor. Maybe some other deeply-interesting thing came up. Whatever. If the basic courtesy of respecting my time isn't present, I can't get excited about building an incredible scene of surpassing pleasure and transformation.
Summing Up
This may sound to some folks like I am being even more passive than the sub. Nope. I am guiding the flow of the conversation, evaluating the sub's reactions, helping him to get to his next level, and preparing the path toward ultimate mutual ecstasy. I'm not using Caveman tools ("Me STRONG…. Like OX!"), I am subtle and seductive.
Trust me. This approach WORKS, and can lead to intense pleasure, once we have established better trust… on BOTH sides. This scenario weeds out the flakes, doesn't put me in a sad position while I wonder what I did wrong, and saves everybody a bunch of wasted energy.
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