Monday, September 10, 2018

Advice & Soft Skills

Learn solid interpersonal skills, and to overcome obstacles in healthy ways

These are articles that I consider to be of value, based upon the responses that I have received.

You can find the Master Index for every category here.

This page is only one of many categories.  There are HUNDREDS of articles, and each list continues to grow longer and longer.

I hope that you find these articles to be of value in your life.



Domspace Vs. Subspace - Kept him warm, kept him safe. Easy voice, calm strokes down his body. His eyes wild as I ordered him to breathe with me–count in, count out. And as he came out of that whimpering, inchoate subspace the most…

Layering - Layering is the act of placing an action, word, protocol, or anything else intended to make a submissive move into sub space. Layering is a tool a lot of doms use without even thinking about it.

Jack Off First, THEN Negotiate! - Fantasy is fun but reality (if it’s going to last longer than a one-time-thing) requires that the needs, wants and desires of both partners be recognized and fulfilled, at least to some extent.

Why Do People Cheat? I'm Asking You As Much As I'm Asking Myself. - Cheating occurs when one party breaks an agreement or commitment to the other person on something you both agreed upon.

Your Partner Wants to Submit to You: Now What? - Ask your partner: Can I have some time to process this and get back with you about how I feel? (Be sure to actually do so though, or animosity will be created by your not addressing their needs.)

Best Way To Negotiate Limits Before Starting A Scene With A New Dom?
 - You need to establish some sort of trust through the exchange of conversation. It gives you the opportunity to feel someone out and they can learn more about you.

Kinky Survey Questions - What do you wish you had known when you started out?
What are dealbreakers for you?
What was your most painful lesson?
What was your most valuable lesson?

Advice for Fellow Submissives - Whether you’re just discovering your submissive identity, or you’re a pro, you can always benefit from introspection. Your relationship with a Dominant is only made stronger with a better understanding of yourself…

Is Love Different in D/s Relationships Compared To Vanilla Ones? - Love comes in many forms and is different in its every occurrence, but the quality of love - that which is immutable, that which remains steadfast and constant - is the same.

The Value of Taking Chances, and Becoming Wiser - Many folks are terrified of taking chances, because WHAT IF I FAIL?!??  Sure, that attitude protects them from disaster, but it also cuts off big, beautiful peaks of triumphant growth and happiness.

Internet Safety Tips - There are bad people in this world. There are abusers. There are extortionists. There are creepy people who follow you with the sole intent of collecting your pictures.

Advice to a New Submissive - I am new to slave thinking, even though I am a born slave. What is your best advise regarding a 24/7 slave/master relationship - I have concerns…

A Suggested First Encounter - Rather than attempting to recreate a scenario associated with a porn picture, it might be far more comfortable if the Dom orders the sub to strip, kneel and hold a position with his hands clasped behind his neck.

Be Brave - A boy wrote me earlier, feeling sad and alone in a new big city and wanting me to give him some kind of tasks so he felt a little less without a Daddy.

Accept Who You Are And Keep It Real! - Some can hold it together a lifetime and, for others, the cracks appear and grow bigger. Either way, the need to explore those dark feelings and desires never go away…

Can a boy or slave expect care and affection from his Dom? - What if there is a death in the family, or a sibling needs help, or a sub becomes ill? Will the Dom be more of a partner when things go wrong in life?

How To Turn A Leather Sir Into A Daddy - Approach him honestly, share your feelings, and be as clear in your communication about it as you can. The rest will attend to itself.

I Am Broadband By Nature: A Master Class on Meeting Face To Face - Trust me.  This approach WORKS, and can lead to intense pleasure, once we have established better trust… on BOTH sides when meeting for the first time before starting kinky play…

i'm a sub it turns out.  - But my job needs me to be super macho and masculine. How do i reconcile these two opposing sides of me?

Where do i find a good daddy that can really treat me like the boy I am? - I can do precious little to help you, beyond share with you the history of people who have tried, failed and won, and what helped them along the way.

Rimming on Demand - OK, this is going to be a long one. There’s lots to consider here, hygiene and disease, collaring and power transfer, pleasing your ‘perfect’ Master, hard limits and you.

Finding a Master - I finally feel ready to commit and enter a proper Master/fag relationship. Im just not sure how to find the right man.

So, You Want To Be a Master - Every Dom has an obligation to know his craft: knives cut and so can words, so know your intent before picking up any tool.

A boy's Purpose - I am a boy. I am a pup. I am a boypup. I am part of the BDSM lifestyle and Leather/Fetish community.

How to Filter Reality From the Fantasy - Social media has made it easy to find people that share interests, but how do you recommend that I avoid the trap of fantasy that can happen when chatting on social media, vs the reality of different scenes?

Working With Another Dom - The result was an incredible experience for the boy, and also for me. The Dom that joined us was incredibly skilled and had a compatible view of the role and responsibilities of subs and Doms to my own.

How Should a sub Approach a Prospective Dom? - Approaching a Dom online, on Recon or elsewhere takes some preparation.  i believe it is just like meeting face-to-face – the first impression counts.

Make Dominants Earn Your Loyalty - I’ve been talking to a couple of guys lately and they all have one theme in common: They gave up too much information or power to a dominant before they’d ever met and that guy never came back.

I Struggle With Self-Harm - Here's what I'd say, you're right you do have to be able to tell your Sir. There’re at least two things that come to mind. First up, maybe write him an email/letter.

Effective Rule Making - I find rules incredibly hot. Being able to mold someone else’s behavior as I see fit to my own benefit is a big turn on. Below I’ll explore how to construct useful rules and the mindset to have while thinking them through.

Is that REALLY the core of who I am as a person? - I read constantly on D/s Tumblr blogs that accepting that you're a slave or faggot is the first step to truly being happy. That all else in your life will just fall into place.

Three Rules To Keep In Mind - Rule one: Remember to be respectful and polite when asking Daddy for something. The way to ask is “Please Daddy, fuck my brains out”. Don’t demand.

While the map may read: YOU ARE HERE, it’s only the beginning. - Hey um I’m really uncomfortable with my sexuality. To the point that I go through extended periods of hating myself. Can you help me, daddy?

Polyamory, From the Inside - Our relationship started our open only for me, but I encouraged him around the 1-year mark to go out and try to enjoy meeting and hooking up with men and we’ve been equally open ever since.

I  Wanna Try Being A Sub But I Don't Think I'm Ready To Be Owned Yet - Ownership is not something I equate to my submission. There is a big difference between subbing a few times for a local Dom to test the waters, subbing consistently with the same Dom(s)

Why Some Gay Men Should Worry More About Their Maturity Than Their Masculinity - ‘My dad taught me that a real man is someone who makes others feel comfortable in their presence.’

Subdrop And Aftercare - I have just had to help a close friend deal with her first experience of subdrop and although she knew what it was, she did not realise that is what she was going through and did not know how to deal with it.

Am I Flawed, Or Am I Doing Just Fine? - Folks who will judge you from outside of your own experience are projecting their biases upon you. It’s what folks do.

Resolving Jealousy & Polyamory - Sub here in a long-distance, open (w/ restrictions), poly relationship. Struggling with jealousy and insecurity with one of my boyfriends.

How Could Slaves Consent When They Had Given Up All Rights? - Consent can be withdrawn at any time by the person consenting (explained further below). Subs always control whether or not they submit to a dominant, and they can make decisions at any time.

Confident vs. Arrogant - Feedback for Doms - Ask almost any submissive and they will tell you the world is WOEFULLY lacking knowledgeable dominants.

Going On Prep And Going Condomless - I think that a greater degree of caution is necessary in undertaking this approach and that if you (like me) have a partner, you really need to discuss the implications…

Strength In Submission - I’m a young male (early 20’s), in my personal and work life in very dominant, workout a lot, pretty well built, and masculine over all. But I love submitting and being fucked and used by men of all kinds…

Take The Time To Learn Yourself Before You Allow Others To Control You. - You may not need to hear these words, but there are far too many out there who run headlong into this world without any understanding…

Best Way To Negotiate Limits? - What is the best way to negotiate limits before starting a scene with a new dom? My inexperience makes me nervous about getting in over my head…

Do Doms Experience Fear? - I had a moment recently where I had a boy that i wanted to come and serve. He was kinda nervous about service. We weren’t going to do anything particularly out there kink wise…

Good Skills Make a Good Master - This kind of play is not for the faint hearted or the inexperienced. Presumably the Master is a sensible, competent Master who knows that His learning is more important than the slave's…

Invisible Service - A lot of the time, most people think that serving someone is ONLY about the grand gestures of servitude; being on your knees, worshipping feet, being used sexually, making dinner, doing chores, being spanked etc…

The Art of Submission - I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it is to be a sub, a fag, a boy, a slave, in relation to a Dom, Alpha, Sir, Master. What is Dominance/submission? How is it defined?

Master Domonic's Protocols For a New Submissive - How do I prepare for the session to ensure it’s good? Do you have a plan/roadmap of activities or do you play it by ear?

Male Chastity? What's the Point? - I don’t understand the point of locking up. What does this do? Why is this attractive? Not trying to judge but trying to understand why the gusto for “caging” a dick.

Defining Some Structure for a Submissive - There needs to be a better understanding of submission…

Living A Life Of Service Means Living A Life Of Observation - When u strive to serve well, u must watch ur MAN. Learn what each expression means. Study HIM until u can read HIS reactions and needs in a twelfth of a second.

Self-Care Masterpost - Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. Sleep issues, Anxiety, Isolation and loneliness…

Things I've Learned Along the Way - Having a kink might seem weird or complex, but in the end it’s just liking something people usually don’t. Being different. And that’s ok.

Maybe I’m Not Dominant Enough? - I strive every day to be a good dom. Maybe I'm just not dominant enough but I'm having trouble connecting with a submissive. I'm not sure if I'm doing something fatally wrong as I am new to this lifestyle.

Responsibility (Landmine Story) - imlostinvertigo:  I had the opportunity to switch again, a repeat session with one of the boys I’ve written about before.

Adding to the Leather Family - Building an interconnected Family of Choice.

Making Declarations, for Good and for Bad - In the last year I’ve accepted I’m not a Man.  I’m not supposed to be muscular and dominant and confident.  I’m a submissive boy maybe even a little bit gurl...

Handling Poly Relationships - How my Leather Family succeeds, every single day

Am I Unattractive? - If a sub or son were quite heavy, would that turn away potential doms/daddies. I know each one is different, but I mean overall, what tends to be the trend?

The Key To My Happiness? - Career, family, friends, money, none will offer the happiness that being a faggot or slave will?? Is that REALLY the core of who I am as a person??

Automatically Turning Pain Into Pleasure - a rare and valuable ability.

Women in Leather Bars - a rather popular article. "I went to the Eagle a few years back with some of my gay male friends and I had on this sweet strapless floral dress. I was told I didn’t belong there by the bouncer, like a warning and then a few patrons."

Advice For A Boy During His First Locktober - Remove the hair, Keep clean, You can lend the key to a trusted friend, Chastity isn’t about how long you can go…

It Gets Better - Your desires are how you cope and heal.

Fear of Blackmail - Hello, sir! I suppose I'm just looking for some advice as to finding an alpha. I mostly use avenues such as grindr and the sort. My one trouble is finding the confidence to send a face picture.

How to Process Pain - I want to talk about how to handle pain being doled out by a Sir. If you want to get anything out of the intense experiences pain can bring then you’ll need to learn how to cope with physical pain.

How to Manipulate Pain Processing - This article is written to fellow dominants about how to manipulate the pain experience. Why? Pain is often a coarse experience for people.

Doms have these days - We have bad days like anyone else.

How to Find a Sir - Keep in mind, you may not find a PERFECT man, but it’s important to have a clearer sense what you’re looking for.

What to Look For in a Sir - Like a lot of what I write, I thought that this might prove useful for newer submissives who are trying to figure out how to suss dominants.

Grooming and Presentation for a Sir - ’m specifically writing this for boys who when they have a relationship with a Sir will have a power exchange relationship and seek to make the best first impression possible.

The Things That Float Your Boat, and Jingle Your Jangles

External Validation? - I’ve been having  bit of a struggle. If one knows they are a sub or whatever term, they just admit it to themselves an start growing. Why do doms or such need external validation?

Grooming and Presentation for a Sir - I’m specifically writing this for boys who when they have a relationship with a Sir will have a power exchange relationship and seek to make the best first impression possible.

Sadism vs. Kindness - Despite your sadism, you come across as a considerate, courteous and even courtly individual. I'm not sure I'd be able to reconcile those aspects in me if I had them. How does one person contain both in balance?

Labels 101 - How does a Master/slave relationship differs from a Master/boy one? Is it possible to be a slave to a Daddy? If so, how would it work?

Death, Grieving, and Moving On - What NOT to say to someone who is grieving.  My Sir passed away just recently, and I am a little bit lost. I miss what he could provide me and I am stressed from his passing. But I feel weird about wanting another Sir.

Grieving, Part Two: Being Selfish For a While - But… I feel kind of stuck. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t really want another Sir right now. But I do want the things that a dom could give me.

Welcome Aboard:  Pay Attention.  This Will Be On the Test! - Don't compare yourself to others.  I see all these people going to several events a year and having all this nice gear and I feel like I’m not good enough. Is this feeling normal? 

Guy Baldwin on Old Guard - I was looking through the Leatherati archives, and ran across this classic article.  I agree with Guy, though my history in the scene is not as long as his.  It’s a topic worth covering.

Skin Hunger and Maintenance Hugs - Many folks never knew this about themselves.

Good Boy - A HUGELY popular poem, which I did not write.

The Law of the Jungle, vs. Kindness, Wisdom and Courtesy - Something that has occurred to me a few times now that might strike a chord with you. In wanting to be a better man which is at the core of all this, to be worthy…. it seems a bit like aspiring to knighthood.  Soft Skills work with a community, too.

How do YOU feel when a man begs YOU to be Your slave? - Anyway. It gets old, having to keep correcting a sub. Why not just give them all the answers first? Work toward empowering your sub for pleasing you. Not punishing him for not succeeding at tests you didn’t prepare him for.

Neediness vs. Indifference: Finding The Balance, Every Day - I get scared sometimes, Papa. What if I find my Daddy but I end up scaring him away with all my neediness?

Titles & Honorifics - Everyone in the scene has preferred titles but it isn’t simply about preference, it is also a part of identity and can sometimes tell you about the person you’re dealing with.

Supporting Our Youth - Advice from past experience

Abuse vs. Discipline - Being rigorous with terminology

A sub is not for respecting and loving - I beg to disagree.

Coming Out Happens in BOTH Directions! - Owning the impact that we make in other people's lives

No Safeword is Not an Excuse - The value of checking-in

The secret about D/s is... - Simple and wise advice. There is no secret. Friends. Really. There’s not. There’s no secret to making kinky partnerships work or to communicating with a partner or any other aspect of being two people in a consenting arrangement.

The Difference Between Sadomasochism And Abuse - an excellent standard reference. How do you tell the difference between sadomasochism and abuse? I mean because isn't being a sadist abusing (?) but in a good way. I'm sorry if this is a stupid question I'm just confused.

Being a Slave-Owning Master Who Is Sadistic, and Sweet - One of my most popular articles. I Was Trained By My First Slave. You heard that right - slaves teach Masters. His needs made him request more from me, rather than just being my boy. I was ignorant, but he asked so sweetly.

Dad/son and Daddy/boy relationships - My own journey

A Submissive View: Loathsome Tasks - How do you deal with performing tasks you loath but your Sir requires you to perform?  There are very few tasks He requires me to do that I loath. Pleasuring Him is the best task in the world.

Making Public Declarations While Standing In Your Power - KINKY PRIDE!

Every Kinky Term I Can Think of in 5 Minutes and What It Means - This should be a good jumping off point to introduce you to new kinks that you may not have heard of but may interest you…

Sex and the Independent Slave - We have talked about how slaves need to be independent even if they are in a committed relationship. Today we look at when they are out there in that snake pit called the dating pool!

Training a Submissive to Cum on Command - How to get started.  I am assuming that you have read this article, before asking. As one clever follower says, I am giving an excellent example of Operant Conditioning. I suggest further study on the topic.

Folsom Street Fair Tips For Newbies - Every year, there are first-timers who might accidentally miss out by just showing up, without being on the right party lists, and not knowing where to go… The really, really good attractions for kinksters are going away very quickly.  Enjoy what is left while you can!

Trying To Expose The Partner To Kink - Do you have any tips that I could use to tell him what I’m into, without him thinking I’m a freak? (I know that if a man is dismissive to my kinks then he’s probably not a good choice for me, but he’s so dreamy…

Tips For Fitting-In With a Gay Men's Group - Another popular topic.  I go into detail. "I’d like to ask, how is the bear community or the gay community in general in regards to how welcoming they are and friendly? My area currently isn’t very welcoming…"

Being Present In The Moment - I have to forget about the company I have to troubleshoot tomorrow at work. I have to clear my mind of my buddy’s dog going through surgery on Monday. I need to bring my mind fully into the moment and keep it from wandering.

How to Become a Legendary Sir - From one who knows

I’m just not that “sub” socially - Is the submission part a sexual thing or do people who fill that role actually think of themselves as lesser than the dom? Or is it more of a role play?

How To Speak With a Sub - Being Open and Honest

Pain Play, and Gaining Marks, Explained - There is a lot of good to be said about mutually-enjoyed pain play

The Value of Switches - Given your experience, what is your opinion on switches? I can identify as one of them but I keep walking in a world where you need to be either a top or a bottom, either a dom or sub.

Sub-Drop, Defined - I am unsure what you mean by 'sub drop'?  Large amounts of information.

Thoughts on "Dom Drop" - I’ve had several followers ask me if “Dom Drop” exists - and I want to cover that important topic for you guys. So, let’s understand the psychology and physiology of how Doms may similarly experience a “drop” after a session!

Resisting Use of Safe Words - As I have progressed deeper down the path of my submission, I am experienced enough to know that safe words matter and are important. Except I find myself mentally and emotionally refusing to use them…

Humor During a Kinky Scene - It's quite nice, if you're not all rigid in a scene

Tips For Attending Gay Men’s Kinky Play Parties - I’ve recently attended my first men’s BDSM play party. My question - a broad one - is how does one navigate such events?

Where are the Mentors for Subs? - Surely, there are more.

Etiquette in Kinkster Circles - Etiquette in kinkster circles is important because every alpha I’ve ever known is big on respect. Point blank, you need to learn what is considered polite when dealing with fellow kinksters.

Bootblack Etiquette - Here are some tips to help you to understand what is going on, and how to behave

A Boy Writes, and Daddies Respond - “I been told since I don’t know much irl about sex that I’m no good. Since I don’t know anything about sex irl there’s nothing he can do with me."

What Is Wrong With My Dick? - A sub with a limp dick is DOING FINE.

Balancing Between Submission and Dominance - That's what protocols are for...

Good Daddies Versus Bad Daddies - Warning signs and VERY good signs

When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong - One of the MOST popular articles in my collection: How to be a Sir who succeeds, even when things go sideways

Responsibility - A Follow-Up on When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong

Getting Into New Kink Practices - I’m wanting to embrace my DOM side. I am experienced at fistfucking, and have a boy that lives in another state that wants me to get into bondage and more...

Getting Into The Game - I crave a lot for submission and i even have created my blog as a escape for my fantasies. But aside from those fantasies, i don’t really know who i am.

The importance of a collar! - Collars are very special things. Sacred. Important. Special. And NEVER something that should be given without a clear understanding of what it means, by all parties involved...

Tips For Attending Gay Men's Kinky Play Parties - Courtesy is everything

Mid-Life Crisis For Gay Kinksters, Explained:  What Your Dad Never Told You - Tomorrow is Promised to No One

boys Bill of Rights - Always worth repeating.  1. Every boy has the right to have his body, intellect, and emotions protected by his Dom....

Handling Poly Relationships - I explain How I maintain a mixed, kink/vanilla multiway relationship

Male Touch and Skin Hunger - Men have needs that should never be dismissed

Developing An Allergy To Abuse - How to spot it, BEFORE it becomes a problem.

Advice For Younger Submissive Gay Males - Tracking down useful resources in your area

What I look for in a submissive - There have been some qualities that have always stood out to me when I run across them. None of this should be taken as a personal judgment or denouncement against anyone who does not display one or more qualities.

Tips For Leather/Fetish Swap Meets - Get what you want, MUCH less expensively

Top 6 traits you desire in your ultimate ideal sub? - This is a common question, and I agree with the author

There is Nothing Wrong With You - hi daddy. i'm a boy with a few mental problems, mainly anxiety and depression. would it be best for me not to try and find any daddies or be involved in any sexual/romantic relationships until i fix myself?

Slave Safety - A solid re-posting. "As a psychotherapist working in the gay community, I thought this was so well said and so germane, I’d like to share it.  This well organized thought came from another web site;"

Finding a Sir… A Few Tips - Advice from one who knows

Positive Things To Say To Your Submissive - Doms, Masters, Daddy’s and Men - your boys are meant to serve you, but you need to take care of them too!!!!

What If You're Already Perfect, The Way That You Are? - We all have flaws.  Let's not pretend otherwise.

How to Find Your Kinky Tribe - I am very new to this community and have almost no to little experience. I am very interested in wrestling and being hazed and rough housed by masculine men…

Dangerous Doms - What is your biggest red flag for a dangerous dominant?  Short answer: I am always on alert to spot somebody who uses Force instead of Strength.  There is a huge difference between the two...

Dangerous Subs - The Eternal Victim - What is your biggest red flag for a dangerous sub? Short answer:  Someone who does not take responsibility for their lives, or how their behavior affects others.

What To Do When Feeling Down - I had a time where I was having zero luck finding submissives and had no clue what if anything I was doing wrong. I concluded that I should instead focus on being the most appealing mate possible…

What to look for in a Sir - This might prove useful for newer submissives who are trying to figure out how to suss dominants. I also thought it would be handy for newer dominants to know what traits and behaviors to show off to attract submissives.

Connection With Your Submissive - Intimacy isn’t just the cuddly feelings one sees on an after school special. Intimacy is a matter of connecting with another person while getting them to lower their barriers.

Straight Sirs with Gay subs - Anonymous said: How do you feel about "straight" masters who have male submissives/slaves?  I think that it’s dandy, if the Master is an Ethical Sir…

Bullying - I bring this up because I have found that bullying while present is difficult to immediately recognize in bdsm. In short, if someone is trying to pressure you or trick you into something you genuinely don’t want to do. That’s bullying.

Advice For My Fellow Doms - How to get better at it.  Don't compare yourself to me, or to any other Dom.  That's a loser's game, and you can never win.  This has never been a competition.  You are exactly as valid as I am.  We all had to start somewhere…

Lessons for New Dominants - There were some things I learned tangentially to his lessons that I believe newer dominants needing direction could benefit from…

Coming Out as Kinky - Is it even necessary? When and why should you or should you not be open about your sexual interests? In this article I’m going to focus more on the negative side of coming out.

The Big Secret Of Cruising Success In A Bar - Quick and easy social skills. Think of the stereotypical horny and lonely man in a bar.  He is using corny pickup lines with everybody, and he can't seem catch a break, because he appears awkward and desperate.  He'd do so much better if he just knew what to do that WORKED.

Withholding Communication As An Abusive Weapon - Recognizing and understanding it when it happens

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