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I’ve spent my life trying to be a Man. Being jealous of muscled men while also attracted to them. Never fitting in. A boy never a Man. In the last year I’ve accepted I’m not a Man. I’m not supposed to be muscular and dominant and confident. I’m a submissive boy maybe even a little bit gurl. That’s where I get confused. Definitely submissive. Definitely wanting to serve a real Man rather than try to be one. I guess my question is I’m alone and I read your blog and I think there is a community out there that understands me where I might fit. How do I find them? I seem to just get abused and rejected.Papa Tony:
I live in New York City which sounds full of opportunity but understand it’s also full of complications. Gay scene is very Man-based. All try to be hyper masculine but ironically, to me, there is not an opposites attract element in gay scene at large here. They want Men that look like them. I have trouble finding Men who want a sub boy that’s 47. They other factor here is Men my age date 20 year olds.
I do not go out much. I have tried mostly online methods including FetLife.
When I have gone out to the bars I don’t seem to find Men looking for subs. I thought about attending Folsom this year but did not.
I’ve focused on straight and bi Men because they are real Men and they like my service. I like serving them. There is a Dom wanting to own me - he is 60 and straight. He has indicated I might not have a nice enough body for him so I have a period of time to meet his desires or be rejected. These straight / bi men are fun but it’s not going to replace a relationship. Doms tell me I’m a faggot slave and I’ll never be happy in a traditional relationship. I think they are right.
There is a lot to unpack here. I have pondered for several days on what you have brought me, and I want to give you the very best response that I have, in return.
It occurs to me that almost ALL of what you tell me has been in the form of declarations. Powerful ones. Depending upon each person's nature, making strong declarations can be a way of programming ourselves for failure. Based upon what you say, I perceive that you've built a massive structure of self-programming that only leads downward. I've done that, too. I still do it sometimes.
I have a list of very, very good, logical and valid reasons for why I should be cynical, bitter and frustrated. That list is as long as my arm, single-spaced. If I gave in to pessimism (and that temptation is always with me), I would have crashed and burned, decades ago. I'd be dead, addicted or in jail.
Happiness is a Decision That We Make, Every Day
I choose otherwise.
I choose to let go of my self-protective shell, every day. I make a conscious effort to step OUT of my comfy pity pool, as soon as I realize what I am up to. I choose to make declarations to the folks around me that affirm life, joy and love. I claim my innocence, kindness and childlike wonder at the world, because that is my CHOICE.
Back to you, brother:
Your declarations are POWERFUL. And, I could easily go through the whole list that you brought to me, and dispute them, point by point. It wouldn't make any difference, because you are listing some mightily impressive "probabilities." There is no arguing with those, at least if I chose to connect on that same level.
Instead, I step away from "probabilities," and over to the realm of "possibilities," which has been my specialty for the last two thirds of my life. I didn't make up this airy-fairy, vaporous crapola on my own. I had to LEARN it from the Landmark Forum forty years ago, which helped me to get away from the despair that was crushing my soul.
I learned how to use my strong nature to make declarations that created new possibilities for me that WORKED.
When I am not at my best, I "throw shade."
When I am shy, uncertain, or just plain crabby, nobody wants to come within ten feet of me. That's because my body-language and facial expressions are telling the world "Back the fuck OFF." So, folks leave me alone, and at the time, I have convinced myself that it's everybody ELSE that is being stuck-up assholes.
No, it wasn't them. It never was. It was me. I was being like a porcupine. Whichever way that somebody would try to approach me, it was not a good approach. This was my fault. I own that, and I forgive myself.
I have been going to the Folsom Street Fair for 34 years.
The first year, I went up there with a bad attitude. I was certain that folks were going to try to take advantage of me. Goddamn freak perverts. Sure enough, I spent a solid five days there, and had a shitty time. Nobody talked to me, and nobody touched me.
As I was driving home to San Diego, I realized that I had been the problem all along. I had made SUCH powerful declarations to myself beforehand, and to anyone who would listen. I had told myself how things would be, and sure enough, that's how things turned out.
As I was driving, I made a DIFFERENT, equally-strong and mighty oath to myself:
I decided that I would go again, the very next year, and that I would be entirely open to everyone around me, with no filters, barriers or preconceptions. I shared that declaration with anybody who would listen. They were being my Dedicated Listeners.
The next year (and every year afterward), I have had a GLORIOUS time. Smiles reflected back to me, new and lasting friendships, doors opening to me that I had not even known that were there, and hundreds and hundreds of happy memories to treasure. Not ONCE have I been treated shabbily. Instead, everyone's hearts leaped up with gladness to be near me. I let my inner, trusting and innocent childlike nature out of the box.
A Final Thought
BOTH of my slaves are sixty years old, and had little hope that they would find a Sir, since they were in their fifties when they decided to get into the market. They were certain that only the 20-year-olds were snagging the Sirs. They found out that there are Sirs out there (like me) who prefer their chicken with some SEASONING, baby! Since they are well-trained, they are objects of deep desire for the other Sirs (of every age) at EVERY play-party.
I honor everything that you have shared, brother. I have no desire to slap you down and tell you that you are wrong, because you are not. What you say makes logical sense. However, pleasure, fun and excitement are NOT logical. Logic is what prevents playful fun from happening, like slamming a door.
My only request of you is to ask that you consider using that same powerful ability to make declarations in a different way - to build yourself a life filled with love, satisfaction and hot-hot pleasure. The world is waiting for you lighten up, brother.
NWCPInterest:
I think you made a powerful post there. I think it was very useful to point out the age of your own slaves when they decided to put themselves out there. It speaks to me as 56yo who only "came out kinky" at 54, deeply afraid it was too late for me. I found out is is *far* from too late. I think other people will get this from your post as well. I hope the fellow you responded to comes to a better path for himself.
There's something you covered very strongly that I need to revisit in my own life: Affirmations (what you called Declarations). You point out it is important how you frame them... and this reminds me I need to revisit those affirmations I use for myself and make sure they align with where I want to go/who I want to be. This is particularly important for me as I adjust some unexpected relationship changes in my own life.
SpankBro:
My first reaction is that this is all generally great advice. I have always believed in the power of positive thinking, and do my best to reflect that in my attitude and actions.
On the other hand, sometimes some people just suck no matter what you do.
I find balancing healthy doses of cynicism and optimism and realism to be one of life's greatest ongoing challenges.
When things don't go the way I'd like them to, my first reaction is always to assume it's me, then examine what I could have done differently, or plan to do differently moving forward, until I can no longer do that, in which case it is time to accept things for how they are, not how I'd like them to be.
When I was a kid my grandpa used to tell me to plan for the worst and then hope for the best. I think it is apt for just about any aspect of life, from dating to money to finding our place in this crazy world.
Anonymous:
I agree with you in what you said that we as human beings do have our right and choice to pursue what makes us happy.
The anecdotes you gave about yourself fits right in with what this person is doing to himself, making STRONG declarations about himself, some of which are in the negative side of things.
From the sounds of the excerpt it looks like he is causing and getting caught in self fulfilling prophecy loop. Purposely going after men that tell him he is "worthless" as a sort of self validation of his own negative thoughts. and As you put it at the end of the article you aren't here to tell him the way he thinking is wrong but instead to try and use those same affirmations to form a positive picture of himself.
Now as to my personal thoughts of the points he is making, I am right there with you in that a seasoned sub/slave is ALWAYS welcomed (and new one's with the right attitude). Also doesn't seem like is finding "quality" Doms and that its mentally breaking him down farther than what he already is.
This might just be me projecting my own ideals but to me personally you should never call a slave "worthless", if they get off on degradation that fine that's something that has been mutually agreed upon. For me personally the way I tackle verbal degradation play is in a positive manner if that makes sense. Like an example I have a sub who gets off on being called a "faggot" and "bitch" So when I do decide to call them that I don't do it in a method that devalue them but rather reinforces and praises them.
For example I'm training him to take a good paddling at the moment and instead of calling him a worthless faggot or reprimanding him for not taking the agreed upon number. I'll say something like "Thats a good faggot taking as many as you did", or "Im proud of how much you can take bitch" things of that nature. build them up, show them that they have value to you and that you cherish their submission.
And to me based on that excerpt it sounds like he has low opinion of himself and that these situations he is putting himself is not a healthy one. Maybe its just my overreaction as I've spend the last 4 and half years studying mental health and the situations he is putting himself in coupled with the state of mind he is in is not good in the long term. The part that really scared me is the last statement..."Doms tell me I’m a faggot slave and I’ll never be happy in a traditional relationship. I think they are right."
Anyway that's my thought on his part. As for what you wrote like I said I think that you gave some good anecdotes about how to face those "inner demons' we all have inside and hopefully he takes your story and incorporates it into his own way of thinking.
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