Becoming an Elder, and Setting the Tone In Your Community

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southernleathermaster:  Sir, With all due respect, i would like to ask a question. I am now following your blog and love how you mentor others. I have been in the leather & BDSM Community for over 22 yrs. I started as a boy with my SIR in Florida.  I have studied with other SIR’s for years and had spent 2 yrs as an understudy to a MASTER. 
It is difficult here in Nashville to find quality men who are truly into this subculture.  I have been out of the scene for awhile now but would like to either start mentoring others here within the Old Guard Values & Protocols but wondering if I would be taken seriously since i have not gone to an event such as IML in years.  

SIR, do you think this is something that if doable would be rewarding? I have several individuals each month who seek training and I’m happy to assist them in any way. Thank you for taking the time to read my message, SIR!

Bless you for reaching out, brother.  I would be SO happy to have a man like you in my town.

Here’s the deal:

I hardly know ANYTHING, compared to others, even after four decades of actively learning.  I have seen kinky Doms who know a hundred times more than I do, on any given topic.  You’d be shocked how little I know about the newer kinks (such puppies, urethral sounds and LatexLatexLatex) that were invented after my formative years in the scene.

The question begs to be answered:  Where ARE those far-off, mythological folks nowadays?  Do they have skin in the game, teaching every single thing that they know?  If not, then it’s up to loving men like you and me.  We are just fine the way that we are, AS we are, right now.  Here is why…

Mazlow’s Hierarchy of Needs

The very peak of human attainment is “Self-Actualization.”  One of the characteristics of a self-actualized human being is the desire to help others to reach your own level of achievement.  We see younger, newer and unsure folks struggling with the level that they are on, and our automatic response is to help them move further up the pyramid.

Your kindness, generosity and generatively (“a concern for establishing and guiding the next generation.”) are what qualify you, personally, to SET THE TONE in your local community.  By this, I mean that your kind, affectionate and approving nature is FAR more valuable to a community than how many certificates from Kinky Kollege that you may have, hanging upon your wall.

Or, how current you are with the Big Names And Big Events.  Bleagh.  None of that is relevant.  I promise.

Our wise, kind and evolved character is the ONE FUCKING thing that is most needed, everywhere.  Older males who bless, are what cause everybody else to calm down, and provide role-modeling that settles everybody into their best nature.

A Typical Dinner Date In a Gay Restaurant

I’ll give you a for-instance, brother. This last Saturday, I went out for dinner with my husband.  We brought along our next-door neighbor, who was lonely because his wife is in Europe.  Our dinner was interrupted at least two dozen times.  Our neighbor wasn’t used to this, but it’s old news for my hubby.

It was a gay-owned-and-opeated bar and restaurant, and it was a Saturday night, so the place was jammed with hunky, sporty young men in tight garments.  We were being interrupted by those affectionate, loving younger men who follow my work. They wanted to give me hugs and blessings.

I went into the bathroom, and the most handsome young black man that you could ever imagine gasped out loud when he saw me.  While I was trying to pee (damn that old-man enlarged prostate!), he spent a good five minutes telling me about the positive differences that I have made in his life.

I had no idea who he was, I am ashamed to admit.  But, I gave him my contact-info and invited him to chat over coffee,  I mentor sensitive and perceptive men like him, every day.

Am I promising ANY of these men penis, or money, or ultimate wisdom? No. I share what I can, and the unintentional ripples of positive influence just keep echoing all over the world.

Gaining A Sense of Purpose

This next part is true for those of us who survived going through the flames of the AIDS Holocaust, We can sometimes fall prey to despair, and a sense of loss that never goes away. If I didn’t have mentoring as a life goal, I would probably be dead by now. That is not hyperbole. It’s a fact.

“If you don’t look like this, why are you still bothering us?  Come back next lifetime!!!”

In the larger gay community, old men are TROLLS.  We are supposed to have no value, since we no longer qualify as Mighty Studs with Rippling Musculature.  This is soul-killing, because we may as well lay down in a six-foot-deep hole and wait for somebody to kick dirt onto us.  Let’s not choose to believe that nonsense.  It’s not true.

Here is the good news:  You have much, MUCH more value in a grateful Tribe, if you just own the miles on your odometer.  You have earned those miles the hard way, and now you are a kind, wise teacher.

Years ago, I embraced my own, self-defined role as a Tribal Elder, because I had no other choice.  I know what one of those looks like, because we had PLENTY of them around us, before everybody started dying.

I don’t consider myself as competition for younger men any more.  At 62, I am no longer being dragged around by my balls, and frankly, it’s a relief.  Now, I can share what I have learned along my path toward wisdom, and that’s more valuable than I would have ever predicted.

My community treasures me, and often, as a result:

During the week of my birthday every December, I attend an Inter-Club Holiday Party, and I get immobilized.  This means, I enter the event, and people gather around me and give me a huge Group Hug.  After I love them and bless them, I am released, walk ten feet, and a NEW group forms around me. This continues until everybody has had a chance to love me.



If I had my wish, EVERY older gay-male would take ownership of his age, and look around. Younger folks are starved for admirable, lovable, respectable and honorable role-models. They stand taller, puff their chests out, and wag their tails like crazy to be around us, and I’m pretty certain that more than a few are privately saying to themselves “I want to be like HIM when I get older.”Setting the ToneIf I attend an event, folks relax. They know that their sweet Papa Tony would be disappointed if there was bickering, so they set that aside, and cooperate instead. I have seen this happen hundreds of times.

 

San Diego is LEGENDARY for having joyful, diverse and cooperative events, time after time. I don’t create events any more, but I provided the template, years ago. Be kind. Be generous. Be true. Welcome the new folks, and help them to fit in.

YOU know how to be that way, right?  So, be more visible, and watch your loving community start to gather, looking to be blessed by their beloved Tribal Elder.  I claim you as one of us, and I urge you to step into your next phase with confidence and pleasure.

Thanks for reaching out.