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dombottom88: At the party you mentioned that’s less sex-focused, but still kinky, what happens?Such kinky play parties can be inside a leather bar, at somebody’s home, at a rented play-space (usually at a ProDom’s dungeon), or some other public space. Big warehouses that can be easily rented are quite pleasant.
Cops
Due to local laws, there can be quite intricate plans in order to keep from being busted. In San Diego, a typical form that must be signed and dated specifies “I am 18 or older and interested in Leather/Fetish topics. I do not personally find this subject matter offensive.” This is important because local laws say that somebody must be offended, in order to shut down the party.The General Public
Having looky-loos, gawkers and heterosexual couples with kids in strollers attend a men’s play-party is distracting, at best. So these kinky play-parties tend to be exclusive and private. Being “on the list” helps enormously. Having a friend vouch for you and include you as a guest is the best way to start a relationship with the organizers.
Women
I have hundreds of female kinkster buddies who I love dearly, and who I trust all of the way. Having said that, I assert that kinky gay males have a right to our own spaces, too.Many gay men have inhibitions connected to having women around at play parties. Perhaps they fear being judged, or shamed, and the women are unknowingly and undeservedly standing in for the stern mother figure. Who knows?
It doesn’t matter. Sacred Male Space is our right. No apologies. Just as in the case of a women-only play party, males would be a distraction and a disruption.
Entering And Gearing Up
Many men will arrive in street clothes, and after checking in and paying, they will change into fetishwear or just strip down. There will usually be snacks and soft drinks, which are included in the cost of entry. These will be in the separate “Social Area.” That is the ONLY area where people chat, hug and catch up. Why there, as opposed to everywhere else?Because distractions during an intense scene are annoying, and will get your negligent ass blocked from future parties. Advanced kinky play requires concentration and full mental presence. Imagine two amateurs standing three feet away, critiquing what you are doing. Loudly. Or bullshitting about something wildly off-topic. Or, squeezing past you as you are swinging a wickedly-damaging whip around.
When in doubt, ask the organizers, or staff, if any. Quietly.
Suggestions For Your First Kinky Play Party
It is to everybody’s advantage if you fit-in as soon as possible, so most play parties have greeters who will take you on a guided tour of the facilities, so arrive early. If you’re REALLY early, I suggest that you volunteer to help them set up. This will endear you to them, and is a good move. It moves you closer to being “on the inside.”AFTER the party, stick around and help them to put everything away… disassembling slings and St. Andrew’s Crosses, cleaning the facilities, whatever. Sure, you’re tired, but imagine what it’s like for the organizers and volunteers - They need help, every single time. When you help, even a little bit, then you are more likely to get what you need in your kinky life:
• A Sir,
• A Highly-Recommended Sub,
• Used Gear,
• Useful Advice,
• A Donated Toy
• High-Quality FRIENDS.
The Larger Play-Parties
Usually, a play-space with ample square footage can be delightful. Even warehouses have additional, smaller spaces off to the side, set up for specific play-scenes. Each one might include a motorcycle, or a sling, a St. Andrew’s Cross, a bondage web, a bathtub, an interrogation chair or other forms of fetish furniture.In the case of the 15 Association parties in San Francisco, they have a VERY well-established set of rules, expectations and scenarios that are always pleasing. Jump through whatever hoops that you can, in order to get on their good list.
If you attend their parties during the Up Your Alley or Folsom Street Fair weekends, then you can expect to see a lot of strangers from all over the world, usually showing up as couples. They arrive, do technical-play together (ferocious bondage, needle-play, whipping, flogging, whatever) and then LEAVE.
Myself? I Like To Get More Folks Involved.
I will get a scene started, and then look around the room. There will be shy, single Tops and bottoms, standing around, wondering what to do. I will start inviting them to come join in with my team, and pretty soon there is a large swarm of happy men, having a rocking good time.Being a natural-born Julie the Cruise Director, this is easy for me. I am known for such behavior, and everybody likes to see me show up.
Put Down That Phone!
Cameras are strictly forbidden at most play-parties. Once somebody shares an intimate photo of you on the Internet, it’s never coming back. It is out there in the wild. So, be sure to ask about this if you have ANY doubts. It’s undoubtedly in the play-party rules.Also, being on the phone means that you’re not being part of the fun. Store it with your clothes, and be IN THE GAME.
What’s Everybody DOING At The Party?
Whatever they feel competent to do, frankly. If they can find a willing partner, they can indulge in ALMOST any form of kink. The house rules usually specify that they forbid underage, or bestiality, or blood play, and also shit or piss play, unless performed in specified splash zones.Again, read the rules. They change from circumstance to circumstance, usually based upon varying local laws.
Advice For Subs, Before Attending Your First Kinky Play Party:
Be bold. Be sluttier than you usually might be. That hot stud Sir over there is easily distracted, and may not notice you, sitting off to the side with big, big eyes. Wait until he takes a break, and ask if you could try out his specialty.If he’s a class act, he will say yes. If he turns away from you with a sneer, it’s not personal. He’s just a creep. Tell a few folks what happened, and he may start wondering why nobody wants to play with him.
The point is, don’t wait for somebody to take chances for you. Most folks aren’t wired that way. You have to make your desires KNOWN. Ask others for recommendations.
Advice For Doms, Before Attending Your First Kinky Play Party:
Learn SOMETHING in the form of kinky play, and learn it really well. My bias is toward flogging. Why? I see it as being the one thing that ALWAYS is a crowd-pleaser, even at the very largest play-parties worldwide.It’s visually splendid, it shows off your balance, grace, creativity, sensitivity and strength. It’s like that scene in Saturday Night Fever, where the woman asks John Travolta “Do you fuck as good as you dance?” The subs NOTICE when the King of the Floggers arrives.
If you follow my Lesson Plan, you will be the best Flogging Top at EVERY party that you will attend for the rest of your life. I can easily make this claim, because I have taught hundreds of very happy and successful Sirs.
• Pick up two inexpensive floggers and watch this video as well. Practice on pillows, as I specify in the video. The instructional video includes MANY different ways to throw a flogger. I also teach the Loose Grip technique, which will save stress upon your forearms during a long party. It will allow you to do more graceful, stylish flogging.
• Watch me in action. The men at that bar were in awe. Every Daddy in the building brought his boy to me to get flogged. Set it as a goal to be this assured, and it will happen. I have seen it hundreds of times.
• Study how to do superb play WITHOUT kinky toys. Great for those seductive interludes.
• If you want expert advice, contact me privately @PapaTonyInSanDiego. I will happily watch via Skype, and give you encouraging tips until you are superb. I do this all of the time.
• Learn EVERY possible way to throw the flogger. If you do, then you will be able to “flow” attractively from one style to another.
Snap-Snap-Snap!
Do you hear that sound behind you as you throw the floggers around at the huge, blue-ribbon play party? That’s the sound of submissive men’s buttholes snapping like castanets, while watching that fucking STUD rule the play-party. Want to be the one that everybody wants? Just apply yourself, and practice. You’re investing in a lifetime of pleasure.I’ve recently attended my first men’s BDSM play party. I took one of my boys and we had a great whipping scene, so I wasn’t actively looking to expand my play. But my question - a broad one - is how does one navigate such events? Surely there are some good general principles about being properly mannerly, making your interests known, getting/handling consent, and such subjects that would be useful to cover.Papa Tony:
Thank you! I am delighted to hear from you. Thanks for reaching out.
I have attended over 400 gay-male play parties over the decades since 1975. A majority of them have been kinky by design. Here are some tips to clarify things for you:
Read the Paperwork
If it is a large, formalized event, with payment at the door, there is paperwork (”Initial here and here, and sign and date here…” They are making you read and sign these pages for very practical reasons.
They are saying, very clearly, what their rules are. These rules are meant to protect everybody from legal liability or arrest. The stern warnings are in there to prevent repeats of bad experiences in the past. So, sit your ass down, and read every word of it. This will prevent awkward and embarrassing lectures (or expulsion) later on.
Character Counts
The kinky community is credibility-based. I have never attended ANY play-party that wasn’t ethically-run. Those dungeon-monitors, strolling around with orange vests on? Their entire purpose in being there is to make sure that everybody plays nicely.
These DM’s choose not to be in the mix, having play-time during their shifts, because they are THAT dedicated to providing a safe space. This is noble and needed. Be sure to thank them for their contribution. Volunteers aren’t necessarily helping-out for the sake of a “thank you,” but they sure as hell aren’t doing it for a “fuck you.”
Go Ahead And Be Shy, At First
It is entirely normal to arrive at a new situation, where there are protocols that are unfamiliar to you, and new signals are flying around that you don’t understand. A humble, kindly Sir asks “Who is in charge here?” and then asks those leaders for help in fitting in. In those words.
The goal is to end up “on the inside.” Clearly, you are an ethical Sir, otherwise you wouldn’t even think of asking for assistance. Good-hearted, honest and open men are the ones who rise to the top of the Guest List, and very quickly. Here is why:
Folks who do leadership stuff, creating events for the enjoyment of others, tend to have big hearts. They may get some bucks from throwing big, blue-ribbon parties, but they would probably do the same things even if it DIDN’T get them laid more, or paid more.
Someone who comes from a kind-hearted viewpoint is going to be the first one getting invited back. As I have said before: “Strength” is more attractive than “Force.” Just because we are kinky doesn’t make us less amenable to courteous and kind folks. Just the opposite.
A Good Example
A few years back, an older buddy urged me to attend a KUF (”Kink Under Forty”) play-party while I was in San Francisco. I reminded him that neither of us was under forty, but he assured me that we would be welcome.
We arrived, and nobody knew us. In fact, nobody came anywhere near us, at first. I was feeling shy, and I made up my mind to do something about it. I asked “Who is in charge?” and was pointed to a man and his buddy. I introduced myself, and made a request:
“i am feeling shy. I want to play, and bring a lot of pleasure here. I have found that all that I usually need is one willing play-partner for a flogging scene. Folks will watch, and they will see how good I am. Then, I will have plenty of play-partners. Can you recommend anyone for me to start with?”
The organizer pointed at his buddy, and said “He’s a slut - Have fun!” He was, and we did. During that scene, a HANDSOME 23-year-old came up and asked if he could stand nearby and watch. “I’ve always wanted to learn from somebody who knew what he was doing!”
How could I ever say no? After the scene, he had plenty of questions, and of course, I was patient and informative. I sent him the link to my instructional video, and he is now a celebrated Impact Play Top in his city.
After that, I got mobbed by eager subs who wanted to evaluate my skills up close and personal. I was on the inside.
Kinky Consent
There are folks who have written much, much better articles than I could ever conceive, on the topic of consent. I urge you to read them. They are out there in quantity.
I need to bring up a cranky dissent:
I assert that the reason why gay men almost NEVER show up at pansexual play-parties is because there are at least fifteen hidden, mysterious levels of consent that don’t have any equivalent in the gay-male scene.
Heterosexual folks have big, valid reasons why this is so. They have to worry about vengeful people trying to take their children away from them, or otherwise ruining their lives. So, they hide behind “scene names”” such as “Lady Endora” or “Switcherbeast.” Coming out as kinky generally doesn’t enter the conversation as a worthwhile concept.
There are folks who have written much, much better articles than I could ever conceive, on the topic of consent. I urge you to read them. They are out there in quantity.
I need to bring up a cranky dissent:
I assert that the reason why gay men almost NEVER show up at pansexual play-parties is because there are at least fifteen hidden, mysterious levels of consent that don’t have any equivalent in the gay-male scene.
Heterosexual folks have big, valid reasons why this is so. They have to worry about vengeful people trying to take their children away from them, or otherwise ruining their lives. So, they hide behind “scene names”” such as “Lady Endora” or “Switcherbeast.” Coming out as kinky generally doesn’t enter the conversation as a worthwhile concept.
The Sexual Harassment Issue
Women have had problems from aggressive males for their entire lives, in ways that males can’t relate to, or perceive. All of this requires patience and understanding, but the ornateness of the spoken, written and unspoken rules can be unsettling.
If I had my way, we would all be psychic, so that we could all KNOW who the best folks are, right from the start. That hasn’t happened yet, so we have to start out by being humble, and non-threatening, and make plans for the long-term.
If you keep showing up and asking questions, then all will be made clear. It’s to everybody’s advantage to have new faces and new excitement from unexpected sources. New talent keeps things SPICY and lively.
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