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instructor144:
I’ve been meaning to find the time to pen a few words on what I consider a disturbing tendency towards “absolutism” on the part of some bloggers who have large followings and are considered go-to authorities on this D/s life of ours. This tendency, which I will call “the new Puritanism,” revolves around their Olympian proclamations that there is only One True Way™ to do D/s …
“If you are LDR (Long Distance Relationship), then that is not the One True Way™ to do D/s.”
“If it is only bedroom kink, then that is not the One True Way™ to do D/s.”
“If there is a non-trivial age difference between the partners, then that is not the One True Way™ to do D/s.”
“If you are not doing the same level of protocol and power exchange as I do, then that is not the One True Way™ to do D/s.”
“If you are poly, then that is not the One True Way™ to do D/s.”
“If one or both partners are also in vanilla marriages, then that is not the One True Way™ to do D/s.”
“If the relationship is not focused on 24/7, with a romantic component, with the endgame of a lifetime together making babies in the burbs, then that is not the One True Way™ to do D/s.”
And above all: “If you are not doing D/s exactly the same way I do, then that is not the One True Way™ to do D/s.”
Now, to be clear, I appreciate the irony inherent in the fact that I myself often come across as one of these people. But I always try – perhaps not always successfully – to make it clear that my opinion is just that: my opinion. And if I ever veer off into the disreputable territory inhabited by these “new Puritans,” I expect my Followers to call me on it. Please.
Those of us in the D/s community must work harder to be more accepting of the many variations that are found along the D/s spectrum, not less.
belladonnamoon:
Thank you for this! I’ve never fit into any one category in my life! When I first began to explore the D/s dynamic, I found myself trying to conform to other people’s ideas, rules, and protocol. Each time there always seemed to be “something” missing.
I was beginning to question whether or not I was a true submissive and found myself hanging in limbo, until I finally realized that what was missing was Me!
Even though I knew I might have a hard time finding a Dom that I was truly compatible with, I knew the only chance I had was by being true to myself.
Surprisingly enough once I let MY own unique inner light shine, it wasn’t long before I crossed paths with @sub-cmdr and found what I was looking for.
When I gave Him my gift of submission it felt like the most natural thing in the world for me to do. And the most beautiful part is that we are both new to this and are creating our own unique dynamic based on who we are as individuals and as a D/s couple.
I was drawn to this dark, beautiful world because I was tired of hiding parts of myself and conforming to the Vanilla world around me. I must admit I was surprised to find that same conformist mentality present amongst some members of the BDSM community as well.
If you’re new to all of this, take the time to explore and figure out what You want and what works best for You. Then remain true to yourself and don’t settle for less or allow anyone else to tell you that your way isn’t the right way. If it works for you, then it’s right for you! Granted the more unique you are, the longer it may take to find the right partner; but when you do, you will know you’re where you belong and that is the most incredible feeling in the world!
Papa Tony:
A thread that runs through all of my own writings is the sense of hurt that arose from how I was treated, decades ago. When everyone that I knew died, and I escaped into isolation for about ten years, I came back and stepped into spinning blades.
I found a culture of hateful judgment, and endless declarations of what made me wrong, broken and inappropriate. The local kinky scene was a metaphorical battlefield, with bloody corpses everywhere, and with one or two visitors left standing.
The key phase that was always a big signal was "The COMMUNITY doesn't like what you are doing!" In other words, the speaker was naming THEMSELVES as representative of everyone but me.
Thank you for this! I’ve never fit into any one category in my life! When I first began to explore the D/s dynamic, I found myself trying to conform to other people’s ideas, rules, and protocol. Each time there always seemed to be “something” missing.
I was beginning to question whether or not I was a true submissive and found myself hanging in limbo, until I finally realized that what was missing was Me!
Even though I knew I might have a hard time finding a Dom that I was truly compatible with, I knew the only chance I had was by being true to myself.
Surprisingly enough once I let MY own unique inner light shine, it wasn’t long before I crossed paths with @sub-cmdr and found what I was looking for.
When I gave Him my gift of submission it felt like the most natural thing in the world for me to do. And the most beautiful part is that we are both new to this and are creating our own unique dynamic based on who we are as individuals and as a D/s couple.
I was drawn to this dark, beautiful world because I was tired of hiding parts of myself and conforming to the Vanilla world around me. I must admit I was surprised to find that same conformist mentality present amongst some members of the BDSM community as well.
If you’re new to all of this, take the time to explore and figure out what You want and what works best for You. Then remain true to yourself and don’t settle for less or allow anyone else to tell you that your way isn’t the right way. If it works for you, then it’s right for you! Granted the more unique you are, the longer it may take to find the right partner; but when you do, you will know you’re where you belong and that is the most incredible feeling in the world!
Papa Tony:
A thread that runs through all of my own writings is the sense of hurt that arose from how I was treated, decades ago. When everyone that I knew died, and I escaped into isolation for about ten years, I came back and stepped into spinning blades.
I found a culture of hateful judgment, and endless declarations of what made me wrong, broken and inappropriate. The local kinky scene was a metaphorical battlefield, with bloody corpses everywhere, and with one or two visitors left standing.
The key phase that was always a big signal was "The COMMUNITY doesn't like what you are doing!" In other words, the speaker was naming THEMSELVES as representative of everyone but me.
That was a long time ago. I did my part to bring on the next phase, which remains loving, kind, kinky and sweet. Those other folks? They discreetly went away, because everybody had found a nicer alternative to a culture of bullying.
So, when I make public declarations these days, telling who I am and what I stand for, not one word is used to make others wrong. I am consciously role-modeling so that others will feel just as free of other peoples’ judgments.
I tell my stories unfiltered, so that others might also realize that they have arrived among us just fine, exactly the way that they are.
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