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Dear Papa Tony, I don’t know how to ask this in a clear or coherent manner because I’ve been trying to understand it for a long time, and I can’t seem to find other ways to describe it. I reach the same place in my head when I read nurturing blogs such as yours: I just wanna be held. What or why do you think that is? I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and thank you for what you do here.
You are talking about Skin Hunger.
Getting Back to My Center
When I was going through self-torment during the time when I had just come out to my family, I called my oldest brother. He did NOT want to talk to me, because he was angry with me for making our mother so upset.I said “Never mind that - we can cover that topic later. Right now, I have a special question that only you can answer; what was I like as a child?” My question caught him by surprise, and he had to do some mental shifting of gears.
He warmed up to the topic right away, and really lit up as he proceeded:
“You were the sweetest little boy. If somebody was sad, you were the first one to comfort them, even in the days before you started talking. You were always the first one to dance and sing, any time, any place. You were a silly, hilariously funny clown. You were never a brat, and you always hugged people as you walked past them, going the other way in that long hallway in our house.”
I thanked him joyfully and kindly, which really threw him for a loop. He was expecting me to be the bitter, cynical and angry queer leather punk who had come out as gay in a very confrontational way.
He didn’t know it, but he had just helped to drastically transform my life. That brief conversation was a major pivot-point in my life that helped me to become the man that I am, forty three years later.
Starting Over From the Beginning
I came from a very bad beginning, and I was very damaged. After trying to kill myself several times, I had been spiraling into despair. I was right on the verge of accelerating my downfall, just like everybody predicted about evil queers. If I was going to hell anyway, I may as well go hardcore.But my conversation with my brother was my desperately-needed lifeline. I could CHOOSE another path. I decided to live my life in a childlike (not CHILDISH) way, in MY style, based upon my natural wiring. I was born to be bountiful, joyful, playful, light-hearted and frisky, but that had been beaten out of me. My first phase was over, and I could start all over again.
I would treat everyone like they were a beloved sibling. I would look for the good in others. I would learn (eventually) how to cry without shame, whenever I needed to. Therapy helped. A LOT.
This makes it their choice. They can decline, and I don’t mind. I do not attach my own self-worth to their decision. That way, I don’t lose heart and stop reaching out as the years go by.
For me a hug is a time to be glad to know somebody, or to meet them for the first time. In the Mankind Project, I learned how to “hold space” with somebody - to be fully present with them, because they are important and valuable. I breathe with them during the hug, and give an honest blessing that is in my heart at the time.
The Distinction Between Bounty, and Scarcity
When my husband and I were first dating 28 years ago, we were at a country-western gay dance bar. His friends approached him and asked “What’s it like to be dating a SLUT?!??”He was baffled, and said “What do you mean?” They said “Look at him, over there. Everybody is hugging him!” He came over and told me about it, asking for my opinion. I laughed and laughed, but not in a mean way.
I said “I am not promising these people penis, nor am I promising them money. I am bountiful by nature. I feel that there is enough love in the world for everyone. Who WOULDN’T want to be admired for being kind?” He liked that.
Yes, I have been a slutty, unapologetically sexual being my entire adult life, but that’s a DIFFERENT story. 😈
“Scarcity” is a zero-sum game. If I can deny something good for somebody else, then that means that I get to keep that good thing for ME. If they fail because they didn’t get what they need, then that’s no skin off MY ass, right?
Nope. I am ALL about “Bounty,” where we can cooperate, share, and create enough love, respect and trust for everybody. Over the decades, a few folks have made a foolish assumption about me…
I am sweet and trusting by conscious choice (”Happiness Is A Choice That We Make Every Day”), but I’m also nobody’s doormat. If I detect somebody trying to take unfair advantage of me or others, then I put a definitive stop to that action, toot sweet!
The Distinction Between Sex, and Intimacy
Sex is easy. It’s everywhere to be found. With a bit of practice, we can ATTRACT someone. The trick is learning how to RETAIN them. With my bountiful nature, that has never been a problem. Men are drawn to me, because I am free of the usual inhibitions about intimacy.
Periodically, I teach classes. I teach Tops, Doms, Sirs, Masters and the like. It’s delightful, and gives my life purpose. One of the ice-breaker classes that I include in a semester is called “Sex vs. Intimacy.” Men NEED that class. We can be so emotionally stunted because the larger culture forces us apart, and we don’t get the cuddles, support and intimacy that we crave with other males.
Other Resources
I have heard very good things about various Men’s Groups, such as Body Electric. If anyone can recommend more, please provide some links in your comments below.93 Percent Of Straight Men In This Study Said They’ve Cuddled With Another Guy.
Folks are even paying for hugs.
Maintenance Hugs
This is where I bring it all back to your original question, brother. If it’s hard to find the words, then it means that you have not yet upgraded your social circle.So, be what you need. If folks around you aren’t in the habit of hugging, then it’s clearly time for you to be a bountiful soul. Let your beautiful light shine, without withholding or shame. There will be folks who don’t understand. We can’t live our lives at the effect of other people’s opinions, and be emotionally healthy, too.
Over time, you will find that the majority of folks are starving for hugs, trust and honest friendliness, just like you. Folks respond beautifully to the sensitive ones who create the affectionate theme for others in a conscious way. I have proven this, thousands of times.
When I was growing up, there was a saying:
“Human beings need a MINIMUM of seven hugs a day, just for maintenance!”
I agree with that opinion. I do my best to live by it, decade after decade.
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