Death, Grieving, and Moving On

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My Sir passed away just recently, and I am a little bit lost. I am poly and have other relationships, but his only rule was he was my Only Sir. I miss what he could provide me and I am stressed from his passing. But I feel weird about wanting another Sir.  I don’t really do hook ups, especially with this. But I miss being tied up. And I ache for someone else to be in control for a while so I can just de-stress. But I can’t bear the thought of it being someone else. Any thoughts that might help me?

Papa Tony:

I feel for you, brother.  I truly do.  In all of the years that I have been lurking around gay kinky Tumblr, this will be the first time that I will have seen discussion of death, dying, and grief.  It’s an overdue topic.

I have had to deal with the death of loved ones as well.  Your loss is 100% valid, and worth focusing on.  My wish is that you have friends and loved ones who are there for you.  I care, brother.

I am not sure where you live, geographically, but in the USA, our prevailing culture does its best to distract us from the realities of life and death.  The LAST thing that I want to do is to share some stooopid, soothing platitudes.  They don’t help, and never have:

“Time Heals All Wounds.”  No, it doesn’t.  Grieving helps, so that eventually the sorrow doesn’t remain the primary focus of our lives.  Avoiding grief makes the pain’s intensity stay higher, longer.  In other words, now is the time to dive deep into the sadness.  You do honor to your Sir, and the times that you shared, by memorializing him.

“Your Sir Wouldn’t Want You To Be Sad.”  Bullshit.  Imagine if the situation was reversed. You know that he would be just as devastated and lonely, in honor of your wonderful shared experiences, and the deep investment that you made in each other.

“He’s In A Better Place Now.”  Better than being with YOU?  I doubt that, and so do you.
I have had to seek out qualified help with grieving, because our culture is anti-grieving by design.  We shove death away from us, instead of helping each other to deal with the pain in healthy, compassionate ways.

Since you asked me specifically for help, please google the following phrase, followed by your own city and country:

Grief Recovery <your location>

I’m pretty certain that resources that can ACTUALLY HELP YOU exist in your area.  Even with professional help, it took me a full year of deep grieving before I was ready to start the next phase of my life.  Your results may vary.

Your love and respect for your Sir speaks well for your utterly valid relationship, no matter what anyone else thinks.  I honor the time that you had together.

I am sending you the warmest, sweetest embrace that I have, brother.

At some point, I request that you send me a few words about the good times that you and your Sir shared.  I ask that you bear witness to what happened, and why it meant so much to you.  I’d love to share that with the world, as a lasting memorial.

Update:  Further reading on this topic.