Welcome Aboard: Pay Attention. This Will Be On the Test!

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I’m a new Dom and I wanna know, how do people afford all this? I had to work overtime to afford an event.  I see all these people going to several events a year and having all this nice gear and I feel like I’m not good enough. Is this feeling normal? 

Papa Tony:

Of Course.  This Has Been True All Along. 

It’s too easy to get caught up in the pageantry and the one-upsmanship of what we see on Tumblr, at public events, or in the general media. It’s primate nature to put on dominance displays to assert an unassailable position in the hierarchy.

For goodness’ sake - you’re a Dom, and the obviously more Domly-Doms got there ahead of you!  How is anybody ever to compete with that? Easy… don’t.

It’s part of dominance displays to convey nonverbal communication.   It’s not much different from lizards doing push-ups on a flat rock, showing off their colorful bellies and inflating their throats.

I found this image at random.  Please don’t prejudge these men.

Folks with the most impressive gear and gew-gaws may not even consciously be aware that they are blowing new folks out of the water.  It’s just primate chest-thumping on a subconscious level.
None of it is to the advantage of the new, the shy and the uncertain ones.  That’s why so few of them stick around, after bouncing off of the indifference of others.  Sound familiar?

The Law of the Jungle prevails.  Usually.  Here is How We Get Past That. 

I’m happy to tell you, kinky success has NOTHING to do with competition, what you wear, or how much you spend.  Really.

In the gay leathermen’s titleholder contests that I have judged, a common question is something to the effect of “If I am dressed in a pink bathrobe, underwear and fuzzy slippers, am I still a leatherman?”

To those of us who have been around a long time, the obvious answer is “YES!!!” The distinction shows up between two phases:  “Wearing Leather,” and “LIVING Leather.” This is expressed in the phrases “Damn!  I look GOOD in this,” versus “I can’t wait to thrill the hell out of my sub with this!”
Not everyone shifts into the second stage.  That’s normal, healthy and fine.

From what you say, I see that you are poised to join us in the actively-kinky Tribe.  Good for you!

Mastering the Craft 

You can spend $500 on a kinky toy, just like I can buy a gym membership at the swankiest fitness club in town.   The concept is the same. It doesn’t do you any good if you don’t apply yourself.   I know folks with massively complete toy collections who are mediocre (or worse) when it comes to thrilling the submissives.  Oh, the stories I could tell!

Brag Alert 

I can go to any huge, international kinky play-party with a single toy - an inexpensive flogger - or even no toys at all, and every sub in the building will want some of what I am sharing.  I have honed my technique, my sensitivity and perception, and my desire for excellence, and it SHOWS.

I have been a new guest at kinky play parties with over a hundred participants where the entire building empties into the area around me, forming two semicircles (completely spontaneously), just to watch what I can do with the one, simple toy that I brought to the party.

Yes, I am bragging.  But I say all of this to make an overarching point.   I know my stuff, because I never stop learning and growing.

Chuck Norris 

The “Walker, Texas Ranger” actor was in the movie “Enter the Dragon” as a martial artist. If you’ve studied the defensive arts, you will notice that he doesn’t demonstrate hundreds of styles and techniques, and that’s good. He doesn’t need to. The few things that he DOES know, he demonstrates with grace, balance and supreme expertise.  He kicks ass at kicking people in the head, primarily.

It’s The Same in Kink 

You don’t have to attend eighteen years of Kinkology Kollege before you are worthy of respect in the community. Others may disagree.   Don’t listen to them. Try a few perverted, twisted things to see which tickles your fancy. Once you’ve tried the buffet, dive deeper into what pleases YOU the most.  Strive for excellence that pleases and satisfies YOU.

 Once word gets around that you are the local Rope Guru, or the Oracle of Hot Wax, and that you care deeply about growing, learning and sharing, word will spread.  Subs will actively seek you out.  A lot.  Other Doms will befriend you for all of the best reasons.

Credibility is Currency 

Many folks think that money is the most important currency. I disagree.  I LIKE money.  However, I know better.  Money can’t buy ANY amount of credibility.

Being a solid citizen: dependable, authentic, diligent and dedicated to excellence, will attract folks with similar viewpoints and skill-sets.  Living in integrity takes you out of the realm of “COMPETITION!!!!,” and over to the side of “Kindness And Cooperation.”  Look forward to a long life full of friends who support and sustain you.

Don’t be fooled or impressed by $3,000 outfits or $20,000 kinky furniture. They are delightful, but they are beside the point, unless your deepest desire is to astonish people with swanky belongings.

Welcome to the Newly-Arrived Dom 

You are new in the Tribe. I honor you. We ALL had to start somewhere.  You are one hundred percent as valuable as I am in our community.  Yes, I have been on the same upward path of personal growth for decades longer than you, but we are ON THE SAME PATH.

In return for any help that I offer in my writings and videos, I ask that you return the favor by helping new superstars when it is YOUR turn.  There is no rush:  Take care of your OWN needs in the meantime.

I wish you great success in the realms of dedication, expertise, honorable ways and constant growth.
Welcome aboard!