For Tops: Preparation and Seduction, Before Fucking A Newbie's Ass

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Papa Tony:

UPDATE: Wow - This page is in line to become the most-popular article that I've written so far, 24 hours after posting it. It's going really viral, in the USA, Malaysia, Poland, Canada, the UK, Taiwan, Germany, Singapore, France and the Philippines!  Clearly, this is a message that needs to get out there.  I suspect a lot of men are sending this article to their boyfriends.

UPDATE 2:  Here is the audio from the follow-up discussion on this topic.  We have some GREAT new stars among us!  Last time I checked Google Analytics, this article has been read over 300,000 times.

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My goal is to teach the reader how to be a superb Top, with eager bottoms singing his (or her) praises.  The steps that I list below can be accomplished in a few short minutes, or it may take months, but the end-result is a piggy, grateful bottom that can take a cock of any size without drugs, stretching, harm or pain of any kind.  Being a gay man, I write from that perspective, but not with any intent of trying to exclude anybody.

Question: In the event that you play with a bottom who is very inexperienced and hasn't bottomed much (or at all), do you give him a some time (a few minutes or so) to get used to you when you first start to fuck, or do you just thrown him into the deep end of the pool and take him to pound town?

If somebody takes an inexperienced bottom and intentionally takes him directly to Pound Town without negotiating exactly that beforehand, then he deserves to be chased away with rocks thrown at his head.  Why?  Because I have spent the last four decades helping damaged, frightened men to get back in touch with their assholes as sexual playthings, after years of avoidance.  

Too many men are doing what dogs do, which is to jump on, pump, squirt and then jump off. It's great for the Top.

It can easily be terrible/traumatic/damaging for the shy, new, eager and inexperienced bottom.  I speak from direct experience.  I've always had freakishly large, attractive rump-muscles.  My nickname used to be Thunder Buns. So, in my younger days experimenting with gay sex, I'd let men fuck my ass.

I'd bite the pillow, bleed, suffer for days afterward, and regret having given up pussy for dick.  I figured it was somehow MY fault, because I wasn't keeping up. Then, one day, my life changed:

I was off-duty (Navy) and staying off-base in an apartment building.  It was laundry day, and a small, mousy and not-all-that-attractive man was working HARD to get me to have sex with him.  I finally gave in, figuring that I'd throw him a thrill.  Oh, I was so wrong.

He rocked my WORLD.  I basically became his butt-slave for three weeks.  I'm naturally inclined to be a Top, but I wanted to learn from the obvious expert, and he taught me some deep wisdom.  Here is a summary, for those of you who want to be a popular, well-rated Top, with plenty of word-of-mouth referrals:

• ASSUME that the guy you're about to play with, is eager, inexperienced and needing some seduction.  Don't assume that he's an experienced porn-actor who can take anything from anybody. Be pleasantly surprised if he proves otherwise, but it's never a bad idea to start slow and careful.

• Stick a well-lubed finger up his ass, with a SHORT, SMOOTH NAIL.  If I see heteroporn with a woman sticking blood-red talons up a guy's ass, I cringe.  The flesh down there is delicate. There are multiple, excellent reasons for sticking a lubricated finger up there:

• Check to see if he's relaxed and ready.  If his outer ass-ring is CLENCHED, he's not ready yet. The problem is not down in his ass, it's between his ears.  Maybe he's afraid, or he's been hurt before, or he doesn't trust you yet.  So, it's your job to seduce him into relaxing.  More below.

• Adding some well-needed lube.  Dry fucks, using nothing but "spit and determination" are classic porn-video fantasies, but again, we can't assume that our newest partner is at that advanced stage.  As we used to say back in the 1970's, "if it's not dripping off of the ceiling, it's not enough lube!"

• Finding his prostate, AKA "Joy Buzzer #1".  The prostate is a rounded mound on the other end of his dick, inside the ass, and its location can change quite a bit (deep vs. shallow) from man to man.  Its job is to generate the fluid that his sperm swims around in. Properly stimulated, a prostate will generate enough additional fluid to give the bottom "blue balls" after a while, leading to eagerness for more delightful butt-sex. YOUR job is to take careful note of its location, and then to please the hell out of it.

• Checking to see if he's got any poop up there.  Yes, from an aesthetic standpoint, it is unpleasant, but from a relaxed-butt standpoint, it's very unhelpful.  I don't know how scientifically accurate this next assertion is, but it's what I learned a long time ago from some VERY advanced players: There is a bundle of nerves at the base of your spine, that keeps you from pooping when you walk.  If there is poop in your lower bowel, your asshole will clench, whether you want it to, or not.  There are zillions of articles on the Internet on how to douche an ass.

Let's talk about Operant Conditioning, in the context of butt-sex:

I'll call it "Positive Reinforcement", instead.  To train a shy, new, eager bottom to CRAVE more, I have to take him through many steps, with patience and respect, giving rewards for behavior that moves the ball forward, and gently ignoring the stuff that doesn't work at the moment.

As a high-quality Top, MY job is to seduce the bottom.  What does this mean?  Establishing Trust with a Capital T.  Being true with my feelings and thoughts, from moment to moment. Staying in communication.  NOT using "Porn Dialog" ("Fuck Yeah.  Fuck Yeah"), if it's not truly what I'm feeling.

Every one of us has a voice inside our heads, telling us to beware what is happening, or to tell ourselves that we are surely going to fail, or that maybe the guy we are playing with thinks our dick/belly/ass/back is too hairy/big/small/old/whatever. That noise is also in your new bottom's head, and it wants to tell him that he is heading for a brick wall.  YOUR job is to talk openly, honestly and affectionately about your feelings and desires from moment to moment.  Why?  Because it silences and stills the voice inside his head, and he's GRATEFUL for the relief.

If I'm playing with a man's ass for the first time, I reward him for each stage that he attains in his new status as a piggy bottom:

• If his ass is tight enough to sharpen pencils, I will stimulate the OUTSIDE with pleasurable attention, using tongue and fingers.  The dick does NOT show up at this stage.  Oh, no. We don't want any panic at this early stage.  I will praise how well he is doing, no matter how small the accomplishment.  I tell him that I'm okay if we DON'T actually fuck until the second or third date (or a month!), which takes the pressure off of him to catch up faster than he is prepared for, mentally.  It also gives him the pleasurable knowledge that there is more to look forward to, with this REALLY nice, respectful Top.

• If he's starting to relax a bit, I will use the phrase "Breathe me in", while starting to penetrate him with my smallest finger.  If he clenches/spasms, STOP MOVING.  No pulling out, no pushing in.  It's a normal response.  Once his ass stops spasming, praise him for relaxing, and help him to know how he is progressing.

• If he has taken the smallest finger well, slowly pull out, re-lube and then bring it on back in.  There shouldn't be any spasming at this point.  Praise him for being looser than before, but only if you mean it.  He can spot bullshit. Your goal is to take him through the stages, with no rush or pressure.

Why am I taking such a (literally) "slow-poke" approach?  Because of the possibility of PTSD.  Too many men have been damaged by inept Tops.  Always assume that he is begging you to help him get past it.  Continuing:

Here is an animation of me, flaring my nostrils.  Back when I was a kid, I sat in front of a mirror, and kept practicing, until I found the mental "switch" to flare my nostrils.  Here I am, half a century later, and I STILL know where that switch is.

It's the same with an ass.

Normally, we poop (and occasionally, fart) with our asses.  We are NOT born with the knowledge of how to relax our ass.  How do I know?  If I order a man to "RELAX THAT ASS", there is no telling what he'll do in his attempts to comply.  He might get it right, and, many times, he won't.  It's your job to help him find the switch inside his own head, so that his ass can be receptive, welcoming and eager, any time.

To accomplish this noble goal, we generously use praise, when it is earned.  If he graduates to your longest finger, have him go on hands and knees and switch to your thumb, with a nail that is equally smoothly-trimmed and sandpapered.  This is where it gets really FUN.

DON'T offer him drugs, including poppers. They cause the scared part of his brain to get ignored, sure, but they also cause the pain-receptor part of his brain to keep from screaming "DAMAGE!" I'd rather have 1% of true, connected and ecstatic sex, than 100% of the fake shit involving drugs. I remind the reader: I started having sex (with thousands of men) in the 1970's, with the hardest of hardcore players. I know about drugs, and the cost. They truly are not necessary.

So, it's thumb time:  Your goal is to EROTICIZE ass-play for this man, and many times, it will be his first experience of such a thing.  You are doing him a world of good, so press onwards.  Lube up his cock really well, insert your thumb in his ass, and start (gently) twiddling his prostate. Rub in circles directly on top of it.  Or, press on the closest part of the prostate, and rub from side to side.

If he complains that he needs to pee, accept it graciously, but chances are very good that he needs no such thing. He's so unfamiliar with prostate-stimulation that he can't sub-divide the sensations enough to tell what he's feeling.  This will pass.

If your thumb is comfortably, non-painfully inside his ass, order him (in a no-nonsense manner) to start playing with his dick.  If his prostate gets all swollen and rock-hard, tell him to leave his dick alone, because that is a flashing-red-light signal that he is about to cum.  That means that you are being successful in teaching him that his ass is for sexual pleasure. Keep supporting more and more excitement, and edging him closer, but not necessarily to orgasm.

However, if he DOES cum with something up his ass, tell him "Don't hold back!  Give me everything!" Why?  Because you are training him to be delighted that his ass is a source of sexual pleasure.  If he cums as a direct result of what you are doing, you're a hero in his eyes.  This is all to the good.

The next part is up to you:

Your goal is to get him ready for the Main Event, whether it's your cock, or a dildo, or whatever.  If you have a sizable object to insert, the bottom has to be comfortable with a certain number of fingers up his ass first, matching the diameter of the Object of Desire.  This may happen on Date Number One, or it may take patient, multiple trainings over weeks, using ever-slightly-larger toys, or groups of fingers, starting with two fingers, and moving up to three if necessary.

Keep being patient, and keep using the techniques I mentioned above this.  This is training and seduction.  You're creating beautiful new possibilities for a man that wants VERY much to earn your respect, and to give you every kind of pleasure.

What porn does NOT show you: That skinny twink has to get his ass ready with a series of ever-larger dildos, sometimes for hours, before he can take that monster cock.  That process never shows up in the video, because it's not sexy.  However, it's crucial.

You may have noticed something in my writing - I haven't talked about the Top's orgasms.  There will be plenty of those, and they'll be great, because you'll soon be fucking an eager, butt-hungry bottom-boy who LOVES what you do.  First, you have to get the bottom TRAINED.  Set it as a goal that he will NEVER endure even the slightest pain.  He will repay you many times over, and you'll be SUCH a happy Sir!

Flagging Lavender, and Old Guard

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The page listing all of the articles in this series can be found here, 

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Hanky code: Lavender.QUESTIONS:-Does anyone know what it really mean?-Does it really exist within the Old Guard community?

Papa Tony:

Oh, lordy.  This again.  Sigh.

All right, then.

Back in the 70's, there were a LOT of gay people moving into large cities.  I referred to the "Gay Neighborhoods" as "Refugee Camps". Many, MANY gay/queer/trans people were fleeing the closed-minded, intolerant areas and establishing the Gay Ghettos, such as "Boy's Town" (West Hollywood) in Los Angeles, Hillcrest in San Diego, and the Castro and South of Market (Leather) areas of San Francisco.

Folks lost all desire to live in Squaw's Ass Idaho, or Chicken Leg, Nebraska. They picked their coastal major urban center and MOVED as soon as they could get mobile, and never looked back.

As more and more people came pouring in to the ghetto, buying up the old houses and fixing them up ("gentrifying"), the housing got too expensive to buy in the heart of the ghetto, so folks started expanding into outlying areas.  However, in the HEART of the ghetto, an enormous number of bathhouses, shops, boutiques, bistros and BARS started opening up to cater to a very, very gay clientele.

It was heaven, for a while. It was pure sexual adventure, all day, every day.  It was common to refer to each other as "numbers", as in "What do you think of that number over there?  I'd fuck him, even with your dick!"  In case it isn't obvious, the number referred to, was as in "Now Serving Number 64".  Yes, things really were that sexual.

In a crowded street, or a VERY crowded bar (one of very many in the city), you had thousands of possible sexual prospects.  You didn't have time to WASTE on idle chit-chat, flowers, boxes of candy, or four hours of buying drinks for the handsome stranger who you finally got into bed with, only to find that he was NOT a good sexual match for your particular tastes.

So, the hankie code was started.  Made it REALLY easy to spot an ideal prospect, hook up fast, throw his pretty ass out the door, take a Disco Nap (a nap that allowed you to stay up later on the dance floor that night), and get ready for the next man.

Many folks don't know this, but in the earliest days of wearing bandannas in the back pockets, or Sam Browne belt on your torso, or keys on your belt-loop, or gauntlets on your wrist, or armbands on your bicep:

On the East Coast, the sides were reversed from what was happening on the West Coast.  In New York for a short time, Tops flagged on the right, and bottoms on the left.  The West Coast won out, and from then on, Tops are on the left, and bottoms are on the right.

So - having established the background, and getting back to your actual question:

The ONLY colors of bandannas being sold everywhere back then (supermarkets, drug stores, Army/Navy surplus stores, porn shops and book stores) were:

- Black (SadoMasochist)
- Dark Blue (Ass Fucking)
- Hunter Green (Daddy/boy)
- Light Blue (Cocksucking)
- Gray (Bondage)
- Yellow (Piss)
- Red (Fist Fucking), and
- White (I have a Cold)
I heard of Brown (scat) eventually, but I'm not aware of anybody actually flagging brown until the early 1990's.

We thought that was a LOT.  This was rock-solid, and unchangeable.  NOBODY tried any other colors.  Period.  Besides that: There was no manufacturer MAKING any other colors!

Then, when folks did a lot of dying, and the bathhouses closed, and the Internet came along, and the bars closed, and the vast areas around the "Gay Neighborhood" became more and more diverse and open-minded for EVERYBODY, then folks started dicking around with the color charts.  They added more, and more, and more choices, and posting them online.  They made a fun project out of it:

Us old guys thought it was hilarious, to hear about "Gold Polka Dots on White" and the like.  In our experience, if one, isolated person was flagging an unusual color, they'd have had to spend the whole night having to explain what their colors meant, dozens of times, and not getting any nibbles. Seemed kinda pointless.

The actual fact is, what we did was new, and PRIMITIVE, back then.  We were making it up as we went along. We had NO experience, or fetishes for:

- Furries
- Puppies
- Latex
- Urethral Sounds
and a lot more fetishes that have become exciting and widespread in the Internet years.

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So, the reason for the sigh:

Too many people read the "Old Guard" comic book, and not knowing any better, thought that it was the Bible.  Please don't assume that the old ways were somehow better, or wiser, or more rigorous.  We were living in a big, messy and constant flow of upward growth, but it was not in any way structured.  What people assume are true and long-lasting Olde Guarde protocols, were actually practiced back then by maybe one percent of the kinky gay-male Leathermen's community.  If that.

Why do newer folks follow the old precepts so avidly now?  I assume that it's because a few folks wrote books, unlike the majority of the rest of us, who didn't.  Just about everything else in our historical record was lost during the bad years, so this becomes the entirety of the story for the folks who weren't there.

Being Sadistic, and Still Staying Ethical

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 Question: My other half has rape fantasies that scare him. I have matching fantasies on the other side. However, he is afraid that he will go too far and hurt me. He doesn't want to see himself as an abuser.

Papa Tony:

Oh, my - Yes, I can relate.

I was raised in a violently abusive household.  Every kind of abuse, and lots of it.  As soon as I escaped, I started therapy (over 200 hours), and attended many, many self-help workshops.  I did this to learn philosophies that worked better than "Whoever Hits The Hardest and Yells the Loudest Always WINS!".

Also, I actively sought-out wise, kind older gay leathermen as mentors.  This was in the mid-1970's.  They helped me to become a much, much better man. It has been a long, long road to where I am now.

However.

I'm currently nearly 60 years old, and I have had to come to a better understanding and acceptance of my darker side, which is always with me.  I call it the Dragon:

Many times in my long career as a kinky man, I have been called a "wuss", a "wannabe" or a "fake" because I'm entirely too considerate, perceptive and merciful in my approach to my submissives.  At least visibly, in public play.  What those people judging me don't understand is, I have lived every day in terror of what I'm truly capable of.

I don't do verbal abuse, because I know that I could very easily go waaaay too far, and damage the hell out of somebody.  Having seen the cost, up close, I relate to others as I myself would feel under the circumstances.  Folks who have never been truly challenged in life never have to develop the deepest empathy, that can make for a very caring Top.

I don't do physical abuse, either.  Ever.  Yet, how can I claim such a thing, when I will gladly whip somebody bloody?

Each one of these men were deliriously thankful, after our play.

Because I use "Calibration”:  I check in at regular intervals during play, and only take them as far as THEY are getting stimulated.  I’d rather UNDER-do it (particularly with beginners), and leave them wanting more, than to traumatize them.

I negotiate beforehand, every time.  I order the submissive to check in after every play-session via email and phone, to give me a better understanding of his progress and recovery.  My goal is to help him to push his limits further every time, and to gladly thank me for it afterward.

Wearing the Dragon on my back.

I only wear it when I MEAN it.

I still need (for my own, unique reasons, due to my circumstances) to be a ferocious, diabolical Dragon Master.  I have a lot of rage and aggression inside me, and it needs to come out and play periodically, to help me stay balanced in the rest of my life. This is not necessarily true of anybody else.  In order to look at myself in the mirror and to see a good, virtuous man, I have to express my darker side, but ONLY with men that eagerly want what I have to give.

I’m delighted to say, with great pride, that nearly every submissive comes to me and starts by saying “NO PAIN, NO MARKS” as a hard NO.  Yet, as the years go by, he easily and naturally becomes the “Pain and Pleasure” greedy bottom that I love to have in my life.  It takes patience, zero manipulation, and positive reinforcement to train a man to become the greedy and eager pain-pig he always wanted to be.

Final word?

The fact that I have never been arrested, put in jail or been killed, tells me that I can trust myself to safely set my own limits.  My submissives all love me, even years and decades after they’ve moved on in their lives.  So, I’ve recently learned to embrace my inner Dragon.  It hasn’t changed my BEHAVIOR, but it has allowed me to relax and let myself off of the hook.

That Which You Resist, Persists.  So, I choose to give myself a break.  That’s my advice to you, too.