"Why do so many Masters seem to think they need to speak in an angry, stern tone to submissives when subs only want to obey anyway?"This article is part of my Mentoring for Tops/Sirs/Doms/Masters curriculum.
I saw this question online, and I felt compelled to reply:
This is an easy question to answer. Back in the 1970's, there was a thriving culture of mentoring between the generations of kinky gay men. When AIDS hit, the wisest, most-experienced men were the first to go. They were NOT replaced. As a result, there is a deep wound in our Tribe that will take several more generations to heal.
In the absence of wise, loving uncles that will take an angry Top off to the side and set him straight on the best way to accomplish his goals, we are left with porn. Porn is a shitty role-model - All fantasy, low on actual practicality. Porn doesn't show preparation, training, long-term investment, seduction, or aftercare. If porn shows that Dom Tops are all treating the subs like shit? Well, let's try that!
Think of a heterosexual man going into a bar and saying "Heaven must be missing an angel, because HERE YOU ARE!" to every woman he meets. Everybody laughs at him, but if an older, wiser man drew him aside and helped him find ways that WORKED, he'd snatch it up and use it gladly. Nobody wants to be an object of ridicule due to ignorance.
That no less true for kinky Sirs. In 38 years of being actively in the Leather Tribe, I've formed strong opinions. If I could communicate to every aspiring Sir/Dom/Top/Daddy/Master out there, I'd say:
- Sex and play get much, MUCH better if you invest in submissives for the long-term. Sooner or later, any self-aware man transitions naturally from wanting QUANTITY, to wanting QUALITY. It tends to be a one-way trip. The man who is angry with, and dismissive of his subs tends to lose them after a short time.
- Earn respect from your subs every day, by being true to your real feelings. Showing true, moment-by-moment emotion is NOT weakness. It means that you are being real, and any sub who doesn't respect you for that, has been watching too much porn. You're not a single note, you are a symphony.
- Don't use leather/rubber/whatever gear as a Distancing Mechanism. Nobody is fooled by a suit of armor. Open your heart, smile, and the boys will be flying at you, butt-first!
- There is a huge difference between Force, and Strength. When you have Strength, then there is no need for Force.
- Yes, your needs are high-priority, but the secret to keeping slaves/boys/submissives around with deep loyalty is to order them to do what they want the most, and then add some more spice from your own desires… Help them learn more about what they could actually attain with training.
Standard disclaimer: There are folks reading this, who disagree with all or part of this philosophy. I'm fine with that. There are two clear sides in this topic. I call them "Scarcity" (where any respect that I deny you somehow makes me look more important), and "Bounty" (where there is plenty enough respect, kindness, love and FUN for everybody involved). You can guess which side I'm on.