Withholding Communication As An Abusive Weapon

I am 33 yo bisex and been having gay sex for about a year now with sub/master roles. It’s been less than 10 days here on tumblr and already a lot of wise men who share their experiences and one of them is u too. I will keep reading ur blog because it offers really a lot of insights on many things which confused me lately. 

Recently i had a sub who always when we met had fun and never off his limits. But now He just ignores me which really made me feel bad and asked him if i had done anything wrong but he keeps ignoring my texts. 

I have gone a long way now in Master domination. I remember first times i used to be really abusive, somehow knowing only what i had seen on porn thought that was the way. Also trying not to look inexperienced to a sub avoided discussions before or after. Just asked limits and after finishing never look back at them. 

But recently i have grown and try to create empathy with subs too. Don’t what to think why he refuses to meet again is it because i began to care for him after finishing because he is really very submissive or is having this thing i just read on ur blog sub drop? Don’t know what to think. 

Papa Tony:

First of all, thanks for reaching out.  Every single word of what you shared is honest, vulnerable, responsible and ethical.  You are clearly a good man, and a fine new addition to the population of Sirs.  Welcome, brother!

• It looks to me that you got away cheap.  Somebody who would do something like this could easily use withholding of communication as a weapon, once he figured out that it hurt you.  Before I was with my current husband, I was with a chiropractor for ten years.  I finally figured out that it was an abusive relationship, AFTER I entered the current one.  He was repeatedly cruel, taking advantage of my Friendly Puppy nature.  He would stop talking to me for months, and told all of his friends how horrible I was.  Not one of them ever liked me.  I never earned any part of it.

• There is such a thing as being TOO responsible.  Sometimes, I refer to myself as a Responsibility Junkie.  Sometimes, it's the other guy who needs to step up, but we can't wait for that day to ever show up.  That takes character and kindness, which clearly, he lacks.  I applaud your desire to heal the situation, and I officially let you off the hook.  You did everything right.

• Understand that there is such a thing as Practice Relationships.  The larger culture around us is all about getting married, settling down, being together forever.  I'm a big fan of that.  However, if I hadn't been through more than a few crappy, short-term relationships, I wouldn't have been ready when the Real Thing showed up 28 years ago, as of the day after tomorrow.

I promise - there are superb subs out there who won't jerk you around, and will stay in full communication so that you can grow together in pleasure and ecstasy.  Set that as a goal, and it will come to you.  But first, it's time to give his memory the old heave-ho.

I have found that this can work for me: writing down everything that I need to say the other guy on paper.  Then, I burn it, letting the smoke carry my message to the universe.  At that point, I wash my hands thoroughly, and have that be my gesture that ENDS the whole thing.

Ethical Sirs deserve a lot better, brother.  You are ready for your next adventure.