Tops Are Allowed To Be Picky

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Papa Tony:

Somebody recently asked:

What do I do, if somebody skips a date without any communication, or shows up stoned or drunk, or wants more chances after a disastrous date?

I'm going to share some uncomfortable truths:

- There are a lot of bottoms in the world.
- There are fewer Tops.
- There are much fewer kinky/Leather/fetish Tops.
- There are MUCH fewer experienced, wise and respected kinky/Leather/fetish Tops.

We are just about as rare as Snow Leopards.

So, let's say that somebody has proved to be unable to provide the same 100% experience that I'm planning on delivering (and no, that does NOT include inexperience as a criteria - I LOVES me some eager newbies). They don't get another chance to ride the Tony Train.  Period.

If a man isn't already well-socialized, and a Boy Scout in nature (Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly and so forth… I'm not so fixated on "Clean"), then I do NOT have the time to arm-wrestle him into making adult decisions that he should have started making when he left childhood.

I posted the audio from one of my talks here, on the subject of establishing Trust with a Capital "T"

Trust isn't just something that the poor, dominated submissive has to receive from the Sadistic Top.  THE TOP NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO TRUST, TOO.  If we are ever going to reach new heights together, we have to be on the same wavelength, and constantly adjust our trajectories together through real, ongoing, high-bandwidth communication.  If I don't start with 100% shared respect and trust, then I'd rather go jerk off, and then read a book.

My time is too valuable to waste, teaching adult males why living in integrity is the best way. I've spent my life honing my craft, regaining pieces of myself that I lost along the way, and earning every bit of my personal growth.  I don't have to settle for flakes, druggies, etc.  Neither do you.

Yeah, I'm downright arrogant about it, and here is why:

There are 80,000 worthier, higher-quality bottoms in line behind him, eager to step up.

NEEEEXT!

Just because somebody feels NEEDY, doesn't obligate us to be FEEDY.

About Me

Introduction

I've written a lot of articles, and I've posted a lot of audio and video, covering the topic of being a well-loved, honorable and popular Sir / Master /Dominant. Why?  Because there simply aren't enough positive, respected role-models to go around.  I make no pretense of being anybody's Model of Masterly Perfection. In fact, there are folks out there who know a hundred times more than I do, on any given topic.

The difference is, I'm here, I care, and I am ready to share. Until the day that those mythological "Other Folks Who Know More" show up and start taking up the slack, I'm here to fill the gap.

I first became a member of the hardcore player Gay Leathermen's Tribe in 1977.  For two years before that, I had been WEARING leather, but suddenly, I started LIVING leather, and it was what I wanted, very much. Most guys don't make that transition until they mid Mid-Life Crisis, at around age forty... I was precocious.

I have never been anybody's submissive.  It's just not how I am wired.  I was always treated as a Daddy in Training, all along.  I was a tall Top with a big dick, and I really liked playing with older men. As you can imagine, I was popular in the 1970's. I had older, wealthy boyfriends who sponsored me on tour.  I went to a LOT of huge, high-level Play Parties in Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego and New York, and have played with thousands of men (and a few women).

After EVERY play-session, I would ask that individual "How could I have made that better for you?", and I would get a response. I took careful mental notes.  My goal was to become expert and wise.  I knew all too well how ignorant my Catholic upbringing had made me, and I was eager to CATCH UP.

Then, everybody started dying around me.  I've talked about this elsewhere.  In any case, here I am, decades later, and I have found an overwhelming STARVATION for mentors.  Not just in the gay leathermen's community - I'm starting to open up the doors to my bisexual, trans and heterosexual brothers, and I'm boggled by how eager these men have shown up to be.

Being just one man, and limited for time, I am now gathering the information that can at least serve as prerequisite study-material.

These articles cover almost NO "technique tips", such as "Proper Disinfection of Tools" or "The Best Way To Throw A Whip Overhand".  THOSE things you can find anywhere on the Internet.  I have zero interest in repeating anyone else's work.

Technique is only about fifteen percent of it, folks. Don't be fooled.

The secrets of being POPULAR are all here. THIS is the stuff that will help aspiring Sirs/Doms etc. to understand the context of being a kinky, dominant male of the Tribe - The kind of man that everybody is glad to see, when he walks through the door.

Basically, it's all following the theme of "How to Be a Sir, Without Being An Asshole" :->

Florentine Flogging, for Visual Learners

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Papa Tony:

I struggled to learn Florentine flogging for months.  This involves using two floggers at the same time. I finally found the ideal way for me to "get it", within five minutes, so I'm passing it along.  It may not work for you, but then, it just might.  If not, then see the end of this article for step-by-step instruction links.

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The Two-Beat Weave

Let's start simple, with a two-beat weave. I left my hands empty, on purpose.  Sit back and move your hands in the same way, as if I were your mirror-image.  KEEP DOING IT, even after you can do it perfectly.  The more that you do it, the more that it becomes muscle-memory.

In my primary instructional video, I am teaching how to do a Figure Eight motion with a flogger.  All that I am doing HERE, is doing Figure Eights with both hands.  One hand follows the other.

For decades, I told myself that there was NO way that I could do Florentine Flogging, because my left hand is so useless.  Turns out, I was wrong.

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Travis teaches the Three-Beat Weave (Florentine Flogging)

The Three-Beat Weave is the same as the Two-Beat Weave, but with an extra motion on each side. It's actually quite simple to switch between the two, once you become accomplished with them both.  You can watch me switching between them in this video, around the 8-minute mark.

I have found that I learn best by creating an endless loop of the necessary moves (such as with the animated GIFs below), displaying it BIG on my computer screen, and then doing it along with the instructor.  You don't even have to have anything in your hands.

As a result, I picked up Florentine 3-beat weaves INSTANTLY, rather than struggling for a month and a half.  I’m a visual learner.

The following are the video-clips that I learned from, with the help of my dear brother Travis. This is a video from his earliest attempt to teach.  He has gotten MUCH more smooth in his teaching-style since then.

Front View - Click on image to zoom in.

Side View

I laughed when I was video-capturing, and Travis was puzzled.  I thanked him for fanning me so nicely on a hot day!

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Here is a video with my friend 

demonstrating Florentine flogging in HIS style (YouTube link is here, if you need it).

It's rather advanced, but he's still awesome to observe.
I throw in some flogging tips of my own, at the end.

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Shopping Tips

I have owned dozens of Thumper floggers, identical to this one.

Ideally, if you find that you can learn this style of flogging, it’s a good idea to have two matched floggers.  If you want to get GREAT floggers for a fraction of the usual cost, may I recommend getting two of the Thumper floggers at FlogMeBaby.com.  They are $30 each, and come in different colors, versus $180 each, for the same weight and durable quality, anywhere else.

Alternatively, if you are NOT a huge, strong man like me, these floggers might wear your arms out very quickly.  In that case, scroll further down the same page and get any of the $19.95 "Dungeon Master" floggers (differing only in colors).

Expensive flogger

I own many, many floggers, including a $350 flogger(!) that is of the same weight and balance as the Mr. Thuddy (it was made for me, with an intricate handle, for formal occasions).  I see zero difference in actual USE between the $45 flogger and the $350 flogger.  Save your money!

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Miscellaneous Notes about Florentine Flogging:

I make no pretense about knowing everything on this topic. All that I have is my own experience.

For years, I had myself 100% convinced that I'm utterly right-handed, with no useful ability to use my left hand. I would insist "I'm NOT ambidextrous!"  I was wrong.  I picked up Florentine flogging in a miraculously short time, using the technique listed above.  Sure, I was clumsy with my aim at first, but practice fixed that.

Now that I know Florentine flogging so well, I kinda prefer it to using just one.  It's amazing what you can do with it.

The Tommy Tomcat: Video Instructions

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Papa Tony:

The last instructional video that I posted (Flogging For Beginners - On Both Ends Of The Flogger: Video Instruction) has become really, really popular, with tens of thousands of viewings worldwide.  So, I am continuing to post more educational materials:

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Disclaimer from Papa Tony: 

I DON'T MAKE A SINGLE PENNY FROM ANY OF THIS, 

OR ANY OTHER WORK THAT I DO IN THE COMMUNITY.  

My motives are pure, idealistic and brotherly.

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I have been a heavy player for a long, long time. I have my biases, like anybody else. Since FetishMenSanDiego has come into being since June 2010, the local play-scene has included a LOT of "impact play", because that is what I teach (at least three or four days a week sometimes), and enjoy the most, personally.

I've written earlier articles about inexpensive toys.  We are currently enduring a terrible economy, and most of us generally aren't made out of money.  If it's a choice between an expensive toy and groceries, groceries always win. I like to help to avoid such choices.

I want my brothers and sisters in the kink community to enjoy the benefits of a nice, fat toy-bag, with the knowledge to USE the toys in their collection. 

So, I took some initiative, and got the ball rolling on something wonderful.

I have worked with Steve at FlogMeBaby.com to assemble a delightful toy which may be new to most folks. It's called a "Tomcat" - a cross between a blacksnake whip and a Cat-O-Nine-Tails:

- It's an intermediate-level toy… Not as extremely "sting-y" as a singletail whip, and not as "thuddy" as a mop flogger.  

- It leaves marks, but not unless you really work at it with intentionality. It does NOT break the skin. It would make a great prop for filming a pirate movie, since it doesn't really damage anything much. Looks impressive as hell, though.

- It's for the submissive who simply isn't getting enough stimulation from pure "thud".

I have seen Tomcats like this selling for as much as $430 online. I've owned one for about fifteen years, and it is a source of joy for all concerned. The one from FlogMeBaby.com sells for $49.00!  Quite a discount.

So, what does the missing $381.00 pay for?

The more-expensive Tomcat that I've owned since around 1998 has a tighter weave, a more delicate feel, and more-polished finishing.  However, neither old or new throws any better, impacts any differently, or satisfies even one percent differently.  I'm delighted with both the old and the new Tomcats, equally. I have signed-off on the new one's design and manufacture. I have tested the hell out of the prototype, and have loaned it out to my most esteemed heavy-player buddies. They hate to hand it back.

It's a winner!

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I have one of these Tomcats in my possession, and have taken it through several steps:

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Flexing

I have flexed it (and urged eager submissives to do it for me as well), so that it is silky-smooth in its delivery.  There are plenty of websites and authoritative Tops making firm, declarative statements telling you that intentionally flexing a toy to break it in is the worst kind of transgression.

I call bullshit.*

After 37+ years in the hardcore kink scene, I have YET to see a whip, flogger or other toy explode into fragments, crumble into powder or snap off of a handle due to being flexed, early in its life. I have played with literally thousands of people, and have visited several hundred dungeons since 1977.

My reason for flexing a toy as soon as I get it is to get it to THROW ACCURATELY.  Handmade leather toys like this one have a natural curve.  Some folks like to "adapt" to the toy's idiosyncrasies.  Fine. They are welcome to do so.

I prefer to pick up a toy and have it adapt to ME. I despise having a toy suddenly YANK into a new, unpredictable direction due to the leather being tighter in one direction. Clipping the edge of a submissive's ear (when you were aiming for between the shoulder-blades) is rude.

* The exception is with any single-tail whip that has a bag full of lead pellets or powder inside the part that you grab (they don't have a stiff handle).  You don't want to break that bag.

So, here is how I flex it (or get a submissive to flex it, to gain Boy Points):

If given a choice, I like to go to a non-leather gay bar - say, a twinkie video-bar, or a piano bar.  I will stand idly chatting with friendly people while flex-flex-flexing a whip, and they won't hear a single word that I'm saying - their brains will be 100% filled with thoughts like "What is he going to DO with that thing?"  It's the bratty sadist in me.

When the toy is flexible and floppy in all directions like a dead snake, it's just right.

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Learning & Practicing

You don't need a diploma in Whipology to be popular with a toy like this.  You just have to know a few things:

Practice with a pillow.  Get familiar with your new tool. Set it up in the way that I demonstrate with the pillows and the chest of drawers in the video. Put on your headphones, listen to an audiobook or some rocking' music and take your logical mind out of the equation.  To master a tool, it has to become automatic in its use, and only practice can do this for you. Lots of practice. No such thing as too much practice.

Once you have figured out how to fire off your new Tomcat accurately, striking within a VERY small area that you aim for, time after time after time, then be sure to review some great online tips on proper use of floggers and whips. The Internet is full of them.

Here are a couple of videos that demonstrate how I like to use a Tomcat while the submissive is:

- Laying flat. or

- Standing up.

THEN, if you live near San Diego, ask me directly for any final tips on polishing of technique. I'm a coach by nature.

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UPDATE, October 2015:

I have uploaded a video explaining my special, flexible grip in close-up detail.  This works equally well with singletail whips and a flogger.

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Sunday, July 27, 2014: Papa Tony demonstrates the Tommy Tomcat, during Dore Alley Street Fair 2014, at Mister S Leather.  It is more intense than a flogger, but not as intense as a singletail whip.
I get mine here.

The gentleman had specifically requested marks upon his back, and the results can be seen here. I was "painting" his back with the Tomcat.  Afterward, he was very grateful.

Stern, Angry Masters

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 "Why do so many Masters seem to think they need to speak in an angry, stern tone to submissives when subs only want to obey anyway?"

Papa Tony:
I saw this question online, and I felt compelled to reply:

This is an easy question to answer.  Back in the 1970's, there was a thriving culture of mentoring between the generations of kinky gay men.  When AIDS hit, the wisest, most-experienced men were the first to go.  They were NOT replaced.  As a result, there is a deep wound in our Tribe that will take several more generations to heal.

In the absence of wise, loving uncles that will take an angry Top off to the side and set him straight on the best way to accomplish his goals, we are left with porn.  Porn is a shitty role-model - All fantasy, low on actual practicality.  Porn doesn't show preparation, training, long-term investment, seduction, or aftercare.  If porn shows that Dom Tops are all treating the subs like shit?  Well, let's try that!

Think of a heterosexual man going into a bar and saying "Heaven must be missing an angel, because HERE YOU ARE!" to every woman he meets.  Everybody laughs at him, but if an older, wiser man drew him aside and helped him find ways that WORKED, he'd snatch it up and use it gladly.  Nobody wants to be an object of ridicule due to ignorance.

That no less true for kinky Sirs.  In 38 years of being actively in the Leather Tribe, I've formed strong opinions.  If I could communicate to every aspiring Sir/Dom/Top/Daddy/Master out there, I'd say:

- Sex and play get much, MUCH better if you invest in submissives for the long-term.  Sooner or later, any self-aware man transitions naturally from wanting QUANTITY, to wanting QUALITY.  It tends to be a one-way trip. The man who is angry with, and dismissive of his subs tends to lose them after a short time.

- Earn respect from your subs every day, by being true to your real feelings.  Showing true, moment-by-moment emotion is NOT weakness.  It means that you are being real, and any sub who doesn't respect you for that, has been watching too much porn.  You're not a single note, you are a symphony.

- Don't use leather/rubber/whatever gear as a Distancing Mechanism.  Nobody is fooled by a suit of armor.  Open your heart, smile, and the boys will be flying at you, butt-first!

- There is a huge difference between Force, and Strength.  When you have Strength, then there is no need for Force.

- Yes, your needs are high-priority, but the secret to keeping slaves/boys/submissives around with deep loyalty is to order them to do what they want the most, and then add some more spice from your own desires… Help them learn more about what they could actually attain with training.

Standard disclaimer:  There are folks reading this, who disagree with all or part of this philosophy.  I'm fine with that.  There are two clear sides in this topic.  I call them "Scarcity" (where any respect that I deny you somehow makes me look more important), and "Bounty" (where there is plenty enough respect, kindness, love and FUN for everybody involved). You can guess which side I'm on.

Audio from "Consent" Discussion

 Audio may be found here (1 hour, 12 minutes).

Pre-Event Publicity:

Discussion: Consent and other fun/important stuff
Come join us for a lively discussion
6:30-7:00 Social
7:30-8:30 Discussion
8:30-9:00 Wrap-Up / Social

The World Health Organization defines Sexual Health as “…a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” (WHO, 2006a)

This includes the understanding of Safe, Sane, & Consensual, Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK), and Honesty, Consensual, Non-Exploitive, Shared Values, Mutual Pleasure, & Protection as part of our kinky sexuality. How do you discuss these things?