Beyond Dominance: Humility

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acruelgentleman:

It seemed appropriate that I kick off an article about non-stereotypical Dominant traits by talking about the polar opposite of the Domly Dom’s raging ego: humility.

A Dominant must have confidence, yes. Confidence in their ability to lead, to make competent decisions, to guide their submissive’s growth. But if confidence becomes hubris, there will be disaster for both Dominant and submissive. The ego must always be tempered by humility.

A Dominant takes on enormous responsibility. Especially in the case of a 24/7, total power exchange dynamic, the Dominant member of the relationship must ensure their submissive’s needs are met, make decisions that affect the lives of both parties, see to the submissive’s training, lead the submissive in the pursuit of his or her goals - it’s a sizeable burden to shoulder. Because of this, all experienced submissives I’ve met have great respect for any good Dominant. Indeed, the Dominants I know are gracious to one another as a rule.

Between the adulation of admirers in their local community or on social media, and the intoxicating praise and devotion of their submissives, even good Dominants fall victim to their own sense of self-importance. Their egotism rolls over not just any opposition they may face, but, if unchecked, their friends and even their submissive. Pride in one’s prowess, taken to extremes, can strip one of the very achievements that inspired such haughtiness.

So a Dominant should, at all times, cultivate a humble attitude. Confidence should stop short of arrogance. Leadership, of tyranny. Desire, of gluttony. The attitude of servant leadership is especially helpful in reigning in one’s ego while nurturing a Dominant’s required skill set. A servant leader leads without desire for personal gain, without thirst for power over others. A servant leader teaches, guides, and inspires their subordinates, always leading by example, and with integrity.

This way, a good Dominant always places their submissive first. The submissive’s needs are the Dominant’s needs. The submissive’s goals are also the Dominant’s. The Dominant seeks only to see their submissive succeed, caring nothing for praise and reward. A happy, thriving, successful submissive is the Dominant’s reward. No other prize is required, nor is it desired.

It can be helpful for a Dominant to keep in mind the classic D/s witticism: 

A Dominant without a submissive is just a lonely misanthrope barking orders at their cat. 

D/s does not exist in an individual. We call them “relationship dynamics” because they’re all about how we construct and run our relationships. Without a submissive, even the best Dominant has no outlet for their relationship skills, no means of practicing their craft. It’s only when Dominant and submissive enter into the endeavor together that the Dominant can shine. I would even argue that greatness in a Dominant is a direct response to greatness in a submissive.

In the end, this is about a relationship. We Dominants can indeed take pride in our hard work, our talent and ingenuity, and the achievements of our submissives. But we must always work to keep that pride in check. Otherwise, rather than hearing the roar of a lion when we speak, our listeners are likely to hear the grating howl of a scavenging jackal.