Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!
Lovemysub:
During a conversation with one of my partners, the beautiful and amazing @danipup , we realized that there were some things regarding safewords that a lot of people seem to not understand and that I hadn’t really written about previously. I’m going to rectify that now. This is in no way intended to be a complete list of topics related to safewords, and I invite anyone reading this to add to it anything they feel is relevant and not often discussed.
1. “No”, “stop”, and “red” are safewords in most contexts. Unless negotiated prior between the partners (for example, in CNC), there is no reason that any of these terms should be taken for anything other than what they are- the expression of one partner to stop the scene. These are, in fact, the most common safewords in BDSM. A safeword doesn’t have to be something like “monkey banana raffle”.
2. You can safeword any time you want. Period. Be willing to talk about it afterward, because the goal is to get you into a level of comfort where you are pushed and thrilled but you don’t get to a point where you need to use your safeword. But understand that you can always use it.
3. A safeword doesn’t always have to mean “shut down the scene”. The majority of the times I’ve seen safewords used, they are more of a “pause and adjust” than a full stop. An example would be safewording and saying “hey, this rope is too tight, we need to adjust it”, or “I feel uncomfortable with this one specific thing but the rest is good”. If all partners want to resume a scene after a safeword is used, that is absolutely fine.
4. As dominants, we’d rather you use your safeword than be hurt. Don’t feel like you’re going to disappoint us. You will only disappoint us if you fail to safeword when you should’ve and end up getting hurt.
5. Your dominant should be proud of you for using your safeword. We understand that our partners want to please us and that sometimes there is some anxiety related to safewording because of that need to please. We understand that safewording isnt always easy. We understand and that’s why we, as dominants, should be proud of our partners for taking their personal safety into their own hands.
6. Safewords are not the be-all, end-all of protection in scenes. A dominant needs to understand that when a submissive is deep in subspace, it is entirely possible that they will be too “out of it” to understand when they have had enough. It is important for us to constantly evaluate our partners’ mental state in order to know when it may be necessary to shut down a scene prematurely even in the absence of a safeword being used.
7. Dominants can safeword too. If a scene has gotten out of hand, or if it is going in a direction that we aren’t comfortable with, of if we are unsure of our partners’ capacity to continue, or if we are unsure if we are in control of ourselves, it is absolutely permissible for a dominant to call “red” and shut things down or pause for evaluation. It is responsible dominant behavior.
8. Ignoring a safeword is rape or sexual assault. No further explanation needed.
Again, this is not a complete list of everything that needs to be discussed, but through my conversation with Dani and through some conversations with others, I realized these points don’t get talked about often enough.
Lots more can be found on this topic, here.
Why don't you or a Dom get disappointed when his sub uses her safeword?
Because when a sub uses their safeword, it is a good thing. OK, on one level it means that the Dom fucked up by taking it a wee bit too far, but that is overshadowed by all the positives:
Even in the heat of a scene, they were mindful that their one abiding duty to their D type is to make sure nothing bad happens to the Dom’s property. By using their safeword, they kept their Dom’s property safe.
They showed that they are confident enough in their Dom and their relationship to use their words rather than “taking it” beyond the point of safety.
They demonstrated trust, by using their safeword knowing their D type would both respect it and be proud of them for using it.
No comments:
Post a Comment