Wonderful questions, and thanks. It’s nice to have an excuse to share about the topic.
before finding my true life-mate. Let’s call him Sweetheart (everybody does). As soon as I realized that I was desperately attracted to him, the VERY FIRST thing I did was to have him read
. I’ve mentioned it on my blog, around 1,287 times. 😀 It’s that good. Used copies are the best!
I wanted the two of us to have a level playing-field, moving forward together. Before he met me, he had never been in a relationship longer than six months. In my case, I haven’t been single since I was fourteen. I told him truthfully that I am not SEXUALLY monogamous, and never will be. I shared from my own experience, to help him to understand that I am EMOTIONALLY rock-solid in my dedication to him.
Making Agreements
I suggested that we make some commitments and agreements. After some back-and-forth negotiating, here are the agreements that we came up with:
• He is my Number One. If Number One is not happy, then it is my strongest priority to work that out with him. I want him happy. A lot.
• If I am out later than 2am, then I will call, so that he doesn’t worry about me.
• He knows that I am playing with other men. He just doesn’t want to hear about it.
In the early days, we were very sexual together. HONEYMOON! I did everything in my power to keep him very, very happy. Smiling at both ends. In fact, if we were out at a gay bar, and he would be attracted to another man, I would do my magic and the three of us would be playing in a very short while.
Compersion
I am the exact opposite of jealous and insecure. I’m a big fan of
Compersion. Seeing loved ones happy and fulfilled is a big, big thrill for me. The words “Come ON, honey - I KNOW you can suck that juicy cock deeper than THAT!” are very easy for me to say.
After about ten years, the sex between us stopped. It happens. He just lost interest in sex with ANYONE. His older brother and father had the same thing going on at that age. I grieved, I bargained, I was a big pill about it, until I reached the stage called Acceptance. Suddenly, the stress went away, and harmony reigned again.
All along, I made it plain to him that I needed to have a Dom/sub relationship thing going on. If he wasn’t into it (he is entirely “
Vanilla”), then I would take on others. HOWEVER, (and I made this plain, often), if the sub wanted to come between the two of us, then that would be the end of THAT boy in my life.
This even happened, once. The sub wanted me all to himself. He called Sweetheart out of the blue to blab all about the stuff that he and I did together. He was trying to break us apart, so that he could sail in and snap me up. Bad call. Rather than react in the usual way, Sweetheart calmly told him that he didn’t care, and already knew.
That was the last time I spoke to THAT boy. That was a perpetration.
During our time together, I have had nineteen collared boys and four slaves. None of them have ever lived in our home. As I grew older, I became less and less interested in interviewing new talent. It’s a LOT of work, keeping everybody happy, agreeable, and on track.
The big breakthrough happened a few years ago, when my slave Larry invited Sweetheart to join us at leather events. To my surprise, he DID, and his presence has been a constant pleasure.
He loves my slaves, and they love him. We all have dinner together once a week, and see each other several other times, usually on the weekends. We travel together, leaving the slaves’ long-term husbands behind, in full understanding and agreement.
Why would their husbands be so agreeable?
I coached the slaves on what to say to their hubbies, in order to shift the conversation into a better place than the usual JEALOUSY crapola:
• I will be with you for the rest of our lives. That doesn’t change.
• I need more than you are willing or able to provide. We have had that discussion.
• I won’t be bringing any problems home. My Master is a very, very protective man.
• As a result of my getting more of my dreams fulfilled, I won’t be a crabby, unsatisfied bitch any more.
After a few months of adjustment, the slaves’ husbands are okay with the situation. The previous dissatisfaction has gone away, because the level of love and devotion didn’t diminish. If anything, it got better. The slaves get to have everything that they want in life.
Adding to The Family
The slaves wouldn’t be in my life if they weren’t superb human beings. My slave Bob panicked when Larry came into my life. Bob worried that I was “trading up,” and that I would dump him. I stayed patient until I finally got through to him, getting past his fears.
I told him “He is not your competition - He is your slave BROTHER. You need somebody who you can talk to about me, other than me. This is a Leather Family, and I am the Patriarch. The glue that binds everybody together. Now you have somebody new in your life, to love and support you.” That was a conscious declaration on my part. I was creating a new possibility that had not existed before. Just like that, everything clicked.
Did I leave anything out?
Anonymous said: Thank you for your blog, There’s been some great information for new doms like myself. In one of your recent posts, you mentioned that one sub is married to another man. Would you mind explaining some of the challenges you’ve had with that arrangement and strategies/steps you’ve taken to overcome them?
I explained up to a point, but I will go into a bit more detail now.
There really haven’t been a lot of challenges, frankly. My two slaves with long-term husbands are rock-solid determined to maintain the happiness that they deserve in their lives. As I said earlier, they get to have their cake and eat it, too.
They have the long-term comfort of being (and having) a long-term, devoted husband. They also get to have some “honeymoon” and frolic with a Sir who brings them many sexual, emotional and kinky benefits. There is a difference between being sexually monogamous, and emotionally monogamous.
I am a very well-known and a popular man, so my slaves also automatically have a massive, supportive social circle. They are very popular and respected. This counts for a lot more than a casual observer might think. We all need to feel that we have arrived into the embrace of a loving community, and are welcome.
Since they came into my life, the lives of my slaves are fun, vivid and interesting. As a result, any arguments that their vanilla husbands might make to the contrary don’t get much traction, so everybody has had to come to new agreements.
Other than my distinct NON-invitation to my slave’s legal wedding to his husband, things have been sailing along pretty nicely.
It’s a fact of life that long-term male-male relationships become less sexual as the decades go flying by. Once you have been in a long-term relationship, you learn to adjust. In the case of the two slaves’ husbands, they have discovered that they get 100% of the same benefits as before, but without the frustrated husband nagging them for the kinky needs that they are not equipped to supply.
mastertrainerprimer:
Your boyfriend may not be ready or willing to learn to interact with you in the way that you desire. In some cases “he may be willing” but unable to “provide the satisfaction” you desire. It is the same with ALL relationships there must be some compromise/effort in order to help the other partner achieve happiness.
Master slave training in a relationship has the potential to be truly magnificent, it can be used to manage almost ALL of the common causes for relationship break-ups, eg. poor communication, infidelity, sexual dis-satisfaction, dishonesty, neglect etc…
If you successfully negotiate an agreement for training with your partner it may take a few years to refine and perfect the rules and regulations, be patient with each other… It can become a very satisfying life journey together that grows and matures with time.
If you give it a go and it doesn’t work, then re-negotiate how you will each be able to satisfy your needs. It may require a 3rd party to be involved. If your partner cannot satisfy your dom/sub needs he can help/allow you to satisfy them elsewhere, so that you can continue your emotional relationship together.
slave2766:
Decades of self doubt and confusion resulted in living life in anguish. Then one decision changed everything.
“Unto yourself be true” the real me craved control and submission.
Out of a failed relationship I began to seek others like me. Through the net I found them.
Here I sit now, collared by a man I respect. At peace with my needs and learning contentment.
My blog is full of my stories and desires. You will get to know parts of the journey through it.
Right now I am proud of my courage, happy with my decisions and excited about what comes next…
Whether you love me, hate me, respect me or are neutral on the subject I am comfortable in my own skin.
Sir told me that accepting what I am and what I crave would build my confidence and yet again he was right ;)
