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My husband (submissive) has had much more experience in BDSM than I have. He admits to 4 Masters, but won't discuss anything about them. I am very curious. He has said two things: that not one of those men have anything on me, and that I am the most astounding top he's ever encountered.
We were both married to women. His wife asked him for divorce, I had to rip off the band-aid to mine. We had discussed making a life together, but I feared that my wife would ruin me financially. That turned out not to be the case. During this period of time that we were "out." prior to moving in together, he announced to me that he was moving about 2.5 hours away to become a slave in an established male hierarchy.
I was devastated. Because he's so devoted to his minor children, the arrangements we're that he could leave the Master on weekends to see the children. He never moved into the hierarchy, but after two long weekend visits, he told the Master that he was having second thoughts and really wanted to make a life with me.
We've been together over three years, the sex is daily, sometimes more, and we enjoy each other out of bed as much as in. Until I met him, I never knew such happiness could be had with another human. And we both admit that neither of us has ever truly loved another.
The fear I cannot shake is that one day he'll announce that he needs more and that he's leaving me again for a new Master.
I get a very uncomfortable reaction from him whenever I mention the previous Masters.
On a an extremely rare occasion that we had been drinking and smoking pot, we got into an argument because he jerked off a guy at a pool party and I slapped the shit out of him. Subsequently, we made a deal that I would never bring up the Master and he'd never mention the slap. I felt horrible about the slap and have regretted it deeply.
Papa Tony:
Thank you for sharing, and for reaching out. I see a LOT more good than bad, here. I have been with my husband for going on 29 years now. My wish is that the two of you will always be just as happy and stable in your lives together as we are.
First, I recommend buying and reading the book The Male Couple - I consider it to be THE "shop manual" for long-term male-male relationships. That will give you both a huge advantage in understanding what you could never, ever have learned from heterosexual parents. The dynamics are very different.
I Forgive You For Slapping Him. Now, Let's Fix It
Here Are The Steps That I Use. When I Know That I Have Fucked Up:
"I have a withheld communication that I have been sitting on for too long, and it's eating me up. I'm bringing this up to you now, so that we can talk about it, clear the air, and make solid plans for the future together. I will not be making you wrong. In fact, I never want that, because I love you so much, and I want you to trust me. I ask that you let me share without interruption for a little while, while I get it all out into the open.
You will have my undivided attention when it is your turn. I promise."
You don't have to use an actual Talking Stick. Whoever holds it gets to talk, and nobody else does, but it's a really good tool to make sure that both sides get their full chance to be truly heard. Maybe, until you men get your communications to a better level, use something conveniently nearby as a Talking Stick. It can be a nice giggle to lighten the mood.
Right Now, You're In A Shame Spiral.
Then, open your ears and your heart wide, and LISTEN to him as he takes his turn to share his truth, without interruptions, denials or any distractions from you. He needs to be heard. Make sure that he is DONE before you have your turn, which should include referencing what he said, to prove to him that you were listening.
Each time that you do this, acknowledge that you feel better, and even closer. That builds a positive feedback loop, and reinforces the safety of the space.
After a time, sessions like this will become less and less necessary, because EVERY space will become a Safe Space. Problems will stop arising and blocking you, because you will be growing together and changing directions with each other. My husband and I don't need to head for the bed to clear the air any more, because we just let true communication flow, all day, every day. We have developed deep trust that we don't want to harm each other, or make each other wrong.
Perfection is not required, but a willingness to grow and learn is crucial in the long term.
You both can heal, and even laugh about your relationship challenges some day, but that will NEVER happen if you both stuff it down, and pretend that it didn't happen. So, don't do that any more.
What You Didn't Know Beforehand
Forty years ago, I interviewed a LOT of long-term couples on their success techniques, and they all agreed on Rule Number One:
NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY
Keep that in mind, going forward. This means, don't store up grievances for each other, ever again. Laundry lists of hurt feelings are what destroy relationships. If you build up your relationship on honesty and vulnerability (and willingness to admit that you screwed up), you're going to be together for a long, long time.
Final Thought:
I created the Kink Mentoring Archives specifically to help folks like you, so that you don't have to learn things the hard way. Browse through it. Absorb huge amounts of life-wisdom from so many different authors. They have learned how to succeed, and now want YOU to succeed.
We want you to stand shoulder to shoulder with us, so that future generations can stand upon OUR shoulders. You're on your path to greater wisdom!
both-hands-buck:
Thanks for a great article! This stuff is really important, and I encourage everyone to read this. I’ll add this as well as it’s been on my mind a lot: assume good intent, and come to the table with your best self.
My husband and I are recently married but near our 8th year anniversary (living together for 7, with another couple). We have been poly since day one, kinky, but like all growing adults we have had a lot to navigate carefully. Occasionally we make mistakes. In the past few months I can think of one such occasion where he crossed a boundary I didn’t know I had, and a few specific times in the past few months where I have more selfishly not checked in with him enough (was tired with work and other such distractions from Our Time).
In each case the feeling of shame, guilt, and worry came up. Is he mad at me? How did we not talk about this yet? Why did I ignore this obvious sign he was looking for more of my attention and presence? Are we avoiding something deeply more broken?
Like the article above points out you need to first establish a place where you and your partner can speak on neutral terms. For us, our room and bed is that place primarily. Once we are in that space we know that we aren’t putting on any face or show for anyone else. We can’t be chased out or interrupted. We are particular enough to have extremely rarely shared our bed with other partners, in order to assure the space is protected for us both first.
When he comes to me with an issue I assume first that he must respect me for bringing it up to me - I thank him for that. Likewise I thank him when he hears me out. Then the most important part: as we listen to each other and ask questions, I focus on the fact that he really means well/doesn’t have it out for me. Even if we’re talking boundary crossing issues where I’m feeling vunerable, I actually take time to say that I know and trust that he’s talking with me because he loves and respects me. I know he means business and is willing to really see this issue to a resolution we both find ethical and responsible. I promise not to shame or judge you without reason.
As I do this, my “but what if” worries don’t take control of my mind and problem solving. When I can remember that someone is just looking for a better path forward together, I don’t accidentally start laying the track for us to roll apart. It can be easy for anyone to think of reasons someone would have done a thing - and we’ve all acted on perceived risks, it’s a trait we often foster to keep us safe! In this case, we need to really hear and understand our partner intimately to better understand what risks or negotiations need to occur. If I assume our intent is good mutually, we both can come to the table directly about exactly what concerns, risks, and issues that need solving.
Trust grows when you can consistently honor and respect the reality that you will both hurt, disrespect, and offend one another from time to time. It is not an If - it’s a matter of When. You can choose to approach those moments collaboratively, working to avoid undue conflict and competition.
I’m grateful to those who have listened to me and encouraged me to assume good intent. It has helped me immensely at home, work, with family – everywhere I work with people! I hope whoever reads this finds it encouraging as well, and hesitates less to have that next difficult conversation. You may find it less difficult than you thought, and at the very least less worked up about it ahead of time.
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