Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Florentine Flogging: Another Approach to Learning

From Nachtsoul:

I have been trying to get the hang of Florentine flogging after seeing it and not quite getting the hang of it, even though there have been several good visual demonstrations of it. I almost "got it" several times and then lost it again. 

I mentioned this to the teacher of a singletail class I took a couple months ago and he got me over the hump quickly and eeasily. I'm still not as smooth as I'd like to be, but I'm good enough to add it to a flogging session. 

Here ya go: I hope it helps you.

Instead of trying to grok it visually, the teacher showed me the moves and just said to remember the words "over, over, back, back" and that made it click for me. Assuming your right hand is the dominant one:

* For the first "over" you cross your right hand over the top of your left wrist
* For the second "over" you cross your left hand over the top of your right wrist
* For the first "back", you throw backwards with your extended right wrist
* For the second "back", you throw backwards with your extended left wrist

Do this slowly at first just to get the primary motions in muscle memory. Then when you speed it up, the figure eights occur naturally. I'm sure other methods of learning work great for other folks. This is what made it click for me.

Thursday, April 4, 2019

Am I a "Creepy Uncle," Too?

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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If we want better-mannered brothers, we need to stop driving away elder male role-models.

By Papa Tony

I have no intention of becoming a political writer, so this is not that.

I am writing this from the perspective of a mentor, role-model, and former community leader.

At the time of this writing, former Vice President Joe Biden is being raked through the coals.  I'm not going to spend much time on the politics of personal takedown during a presidential election season.  This ain't a game of beanbag-toss, and everybody wants their candidates to win, sometimes at any cost.

I get more hugs than anyone else that I have ever met.  Go ahead.  Call me creepy.  It says more about you, than about me.

My History

I came out in 1975 as the first openly-gay person in my family's entire history, and it was rough.  I would do it again, because I opened up the conversation for the members of my family who followed.  They have had a much easier time being accepted.

I was raised in a large family, with a weak mother and a violently abusive father.  I should have turned out the same, but I made adult decisions early on, and chose a diametrically-opposite path.  I consciously chose to be kind, to treat everyone as my favorite sister or brother from the first time that I met them, and I chose to become wiser with every experience.

I stopped counting at 140 lost loved ones, when AIDS killed the men around me.  I was there in the middle of the worst of it.  This should have killed my soul, and the PTSD lives with me still.  It took me decades to recover, and I struggled to learn from what I saw in the wreckage of my community.

As I stepped into leadership, I set a goal of creating safe spaces where everyone present would be warmly, affectionately welcomed and included.  I specifically wanted joyful laughter and copious, authentic hugs everywhere. Those happy behaviors would be my tangible proof that I had succeeded in bringing some healing to a community that needed it badly.

When welcoming the new, the shy and the unsure to thousands of social events over the decades, I consciously used my privileged status as a tall white, extroverted, cisgender male to bring extra support to those who were NOT like me.  I was loathe to allow an "A-List" mentality to turn any event into a clique of the 'worthy" ones over there, and everybody else wondering why they bothered to show up.

I created spaces where everyone was celebrated for having worth and a kind heart.  I went up to every new arrival, and gave them a specific welcoming speech, paraphrased here as:

"You are wanted, and welcome here.  You are going to fit in just fine, and I am here to help you to do that as soon as possible.  Here is how to understand what makes this group so different."

Not everybody went along with the plan. Around five percent of new folks found me to be creepy, and left, never to return.  I am certain that they interpreted my Saint Bernard Puppy friendliness as inauthentic, or malignant, or whatever else my appearance and mannerisms triggered in them.

That's fine.  I wasn't interested in making EVERYONE happy.  That is a fool's game, and leaves nobody happy.  Instead, I wanted everyone present (myself included) to be joyful, playful, frisky, light-hearted, childlike (NOT childish) and free to be fully self-expressed.

My events were successful and numerous - I created and hosted over 3,000 of these wildly-diverse, relaxed gatherings, before I became too old to do it any more.

Hostility and Takedown Politics

I was NOT welcomed by others who were in leadership positions, who saw my life's work as a threat, and my influence as a problem.  When so many gay men died, there were women of color in my local community who saw this as a glorious opportunity to drive away white males, and to insert people of color into leadership positions.  They vigorously pursued this project for decades.

I get the underlying goal, and I wouldn't mind it at ALL, except that they saw the local community as a zero-sum game.  I was attacked relentlessly for years and years, using gossip and slander:
  • I was supposedly HIV-positive, and intentionally infecting innocent people.
  • There had been a murder at my house.
  • People had witnessed me breaking other people's limbs, and I was stalking others with a knife.
  • I was a bad man, and "No doesn't mean NO for him!"
  • The list goes on and on.
WHY were people slandering my good name?  Because I was well-respected, influential and The Wrong Type.  This made me a threat to the local hegemony.  Dozens of equally well-intentioned white males had risen up over the years, started to become effective, and were then driven away in tears, never to return.  They didn't deserve being discriminated against.



I like to joke that I had been "voted off of the island" hundreds of times, but never went away.  It took an enormous amount of stamina and guts to continue doing good works, to never retaliate (what would be the point?), and to keep going with a loving heart.

Life as a Community Elder

Now, at this end of my life, I get a lot of love from the thousands of folks who I warmly welcomed into the larger community.  I get hugged wherever I go, and I spend between twenty and thirty hours a week mentoring others.  Who do I help?  Anyone who reaches out.  If they are kind, perceptive and want to make a difference in the world, they read my writings, they sense a kindred spirit, and they reach out, from Bangkok, Edinburgh, Savannah, Winnipeg and many other locales.

I always reach back, and I am always glad that I did.

Getting Back to the Creepy Thing

My husband of almost 29 years was NOT raised in a culture of hugs.  I was shocked to find out that my in-laws didn't like to be hugged.  Ever.  From my perspective, I saw them as emotionally stunted, and felt sorry for them.  From their perspective, I was peculiar, and way too much of too much.  They have adapted, and so have I.

When somebody says "You need at least eight hugs a day, just for maintenance," they are talking about ME.

I don't force hugs upon anyone.  I offer hugs, but most of the time, I don't have to.  The hugs come to me.  I get immobilized for my birthday, every year.  I will show up to a large holiday annual event, and as soon as I arrive, a small crowd will gather around me and envelop me in a group embrace.  I will hold space with them, be present, treasure them, and after a time, I will bless them and move on, just to have it happen again and again.

In all of these years, I KNOW that some folks don't share my nature, and I have respected that to a stringent degree.  The last thing that I want is to force myself upon others.  A little bit of me goes a long way, and there is a LOT of me.  I use my big perceptions to gently approach others who don't know how harmless the huge, scary-looking man really is.  I sincerely doubt that I have been one hundred percent perfect in my approach, though that was always my goal.

The Need for Positive Male Role-Models

A couple of decades ago, there was a long, praising article in the local gay newspaper, talking about the local shelter for queer youth.  My angry retort was published shortly thereafter, and caused a big ruckus.

I was disgusted that their article had failed to mention that the new female director of the shelter had immediately fired every male staffer and volunteer, and replaced them with women.  How did I know this?  My gay foster-son had told me so, and it pissed him off.  He had lost positive role-models because it was considered perfectly fine to block young males from older males.  Only women can raise non-toxic males!

Great theory, but it doesn't work.  Yes, young men need Mommies, but they need Daddies, too.  If we treat all males with suspicion, then we teach fear to the new generations, and the toxicity just gets worse.  How are young men going to know what it takes to succeed in the world, when males in general are under a dark cloud from the get-go?

What is the Fix?

Yes, I know - My work as a conscious role-model isn't encountered very often, but if our culture is going to get better, we want to identify, praise and encourage good men as visible role-models.  It's counterproductive to only point at the bad ones and say "GET HIM, everybody!"  It is also a terrible idea to drive away any man because he is imperfect.

I have done a lot of work with the Mankind Project, which is a support-system for men so that we can be better human beings, and get the emotional support that we need.  More and more groups like this are forming.  If we are going to have a better, more functional future, we need to shift radically in a direction that is positive and supportive of the man who is respected because he is respectable, admired because he is admirable, honored because he is honorable, and loved because he is lovable.

We DO exist.  It's time to notice.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!


Kink can be practiced while being involved in different ‘relationships’. These may include playing together with a friend (or even acquittance), as a service (paying a Mistress for her services, for example), with a stranger (at a party or club) or with your loving partner. At Bedroom Bondage, we are all about exploring kink as a couple, so that is what I’ll be writing about.

Trust & Safety

There’s a good reason that I start out with this one. Nothing is more important than being able to put your full trust in your partner, and it is such a beautiful thing when you can. You know each other well, and should not have to worry about your play time turning into a bad experience because, for example, your partner does not respect your boundaries. 

A lot of people seem to think that it is all about being beaten up and tortured, but the ones that know better are very aware that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. Domination and submission is always a matter of consent.Being able to completely give yourself to your lover is an incredibly sexy, freeing feeling! When your man has all the control over your body, you will be very aware of every little bit of it, enhancing all sensations.

Feeling Comfortable

Believe me, the more comfortable you feel with your partner, the sexier you’ll feel, and the hotter it’ll get! You’ll be way more relaxed about revealing your deepest, darkest desires… Who knows what kind of dirty wishes the two of you share without even realising it? 


Something that should never be missing. When the submissive is totally exhausted, loving care from her Master is the cherry on a already delicious cake. It simply makes the whole experience even better, when he drapes a soft blanket over you, brings you something to drink (I always seem to be up for a big glass of juice or water myself after such intense hours), gives you a nice massage… 

I honestly couldn’t say what would be better than to be softly kissed, ‘I love you’ being whispered in my ear, and sweetly fall asleep after this kinky, sexy intimate moment together.When you take good care of your submissive, she’ll take good care of you, too. That’s exactly what it’s all about. Not just for the submissive to take care of her Master, but to take care of each other.

Searching for a D/s partner?

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How do I find a Daddy? A frequently asked question here on tumblr. How does one find a suitable partner? In this essay I will attempt to give some pointers, do’s and don’ts, warning signs and general help, advice and information on how one can accomplish this. For the sake of continuity and simplicity I will address a male as the Dominant and a female as the submissive. This is, of course, gender universal and for the most part will apply equally to Daddy’s/Doms/Masters/little’s/slaves, etc. except where indicated.

To begin with, let me clarify one misconception regarding searching for a D/s partner. You may have heard the phrase “it’s not much different than searching for a vanilla partner”. This is not strictly true. Why you may ask? First, the very nature of who and what you are searching for makes for a very unique search in a very narrow playing field.

Secondly, BDSM is not wide spread in mainstream society which makes the search a lot more specific. In part, this could be said for a vanilla search but one would have to be extremely lucky if they could find their dream Dom/sub at work or a chance encounter in the local Wal-Mart! After the vanilla partners have established compatibility and agreed to enter into a relationship, well… that’s pretty much the ground work accomplished. 

In the BDSM realm, when searching for a partner, that’s only the first hurdle cleared. A very important hurdle but there’s a lot more communication required before any D/s relationship can be entered into. Both partners may very well be compatible as a ‘vanilla’ couple but when D/s is introduced; it can very easily fall apart due to incompatibilities. There is a different level of trust, respect and communication. 

D/s relationships take an enormous commitment and any venture down that road should not be taken lightly. Forcing it or forcing a partner who does it only to make the other happy is not in a healthy committed relationship.

Websites such as FetLife and Collar Me are two of the most popular kink related sites one could begin a search (plus for gay men). These are basically a social network for kinksters that offer personal profiles for members, message boards, groups, news and information of upcoming local BDSM meets or munches, etc.

Tips for actively seeking a partner online:
  • Write an interesting profile in the ‘about me’ section. Include a description of yourself. State what you like/dislike and what you want/do not want from a partner.
  • Members with a decent profile tend be taken more seriously with regards to seeking a relationship.
  • Add your interests to the list in the ‘Fetishes’ section (below the about me). Include all your fetishes or kinks you are interested in try. (Preferences to choose from; giving, receiving or everything to do with it)
  • Add photos to your profile. (At your own discretion)
  • Join some of the groups that appeal to you. (use the search function)
  • Search for your type of partner in your area.
  • Search for munches in your area.

BDSM Munch vs Meet

A munch is a social gathering of likeminded kinksters who are interested in or involved in BDSM. Munches are meant to help, allow the chance to meet others, become more comfortable and better informed for newcomers or those that are curious to the lifestyle. They are normally informal meetings with the main purpose of socializing and fetish wear or any BDSM play is discouraged from taking place. They can also be a place to get advice or information.

Attending a Munch (Source:

A BDSM meet or ‘play-party’ is a meeting or gathering of people interested in BDSM with the intention and purpose of engaging in BDSM activities. Fetish wear and play are highly encouraged!

Attending a play party (Source:

Online safety & etiquette (Submissives)

Unfortunately, FetLife does have a minority of predators searching for their ‘prey’. Some of the most common examples of this type of behaviour to be aware of are:

Inappropriate questions or suggestive comments during initial contact or early in the conversation. Asking things such as, ‘what are you wearing’, ‘do you like [x]’ and ‘would you like to play’ are all indicative of predatory behaviour and an obvious sign of someone looking for cybersex as opposed to a serious D/s relationship.

Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy should be a warning sign. Your internal ‘alarm bell’ is ringing and alerting your gut instinct. Listen to it!

Any type of question, remark, comment or unwanted behaviour should be taken as a red flag (The giveaway sign that all is not well, something doesn’t add up or is just plain wrong! If you feel threatened, hit the ignore button and move along)

Do they ask to be addressed by title? A clear sign of a so-called Dom! If you’re asked to call him Sir, etc. he obviously has no idea of what the essence of a D/s relationship is about! Move on. Titles are earned not demanded.

Eager to start a relationship. Another clear red flag. Trust takes time to establish, it can take from weeks to months to feel comfortable enough to move to that level and commit to a relationship.
Communication. Is he open and honest with you? If he is unwilling to talk or evades questions you need to take note. Listen for inconsistencies in conversations too. If he keeps changing his story you should question his intentions towards you.

Conquests. Does he boast about his previous partners or trash talk them? One day this could be you he is disrespecting!

Does he try to impress? Any so called Dominant that shouts his worth to prove how ‘dominant’ he is…probably isn’t. Self-praise and self-admiration are clear indicators of a self-proclaimed Dom.


Are your best interests HIS intentions? Does he push you to be the best you can be or just push you in a manipulative manner? Remember there’s a fine line between dominance and domineering.

Do they appear to be available when you want to talk? Does he make time to spend with you? Sadly there are married men who are stuck in a vanilla marriage who use this lifestyle as an outlet to fulfil their kinky side. Intentional or not, they think it’s an easy way for them to get laid and feed their urges not realizing how damaging it can be for the other parties who get hurt. Namely you and his wife!

Red flags Dominants should be aware of:

The first contact can be a tell-tale sign of how serious your potential submissive is in wanting to get to know you. Is the message polite and courteous or does it simply say, “I want you to f**k me, Daddy!”

Are you addressed by title? A ‘genuine’ submissive would never address you by title unless they have consented to be your submissive.

If a potential partner willingly wants to be dominated by you on first contact. Red flag. Keep searching.

As with the previous list, if a potential partner is asking inappropriate questions, etc. You should question where their interests are focused.

Submission is earned. If it’s freely offered without any discussion or conversation to be your partner. That would be another red flag!

Do they want to be your ‘baby girl’ because you’re a Daddy or because they genuinely want a relationship with you?

Are communications centred around your partners expectations or the relationship? If it all about ‘them’ I would question their motives.

Are communications realistic? The novice may offer themselves with claims they are a better choice of submissive as they state “you can do what you want with me”. EVERYONE has limits!
Is the potential partner open in conversation and willing to share information? If attention and affection are top priority before the relationship has been discussed this is red flag indicator.

Another source one could use is right here on tumblr. There are a vast number of available Dominants and submissives searching or seeking a partner. Introduce yourself! A simple hello could be the start of something special (Which is how I met baby girl).

So you’ve read their profile or about me and messaged a potential partner, or received a message, and you’re interested in getting to know more about them. What happens next? First, do not push yourself on them or start getting sexual or you’ll appear desperate and potentially fake. You also may not be taken seriously. Remember a D/s relationship is a relationship first and the foundations need to be laid down before the relationship is entered into. Tell them a little about yourself. Not your kink or submissive/dominant side, just about you. There’s no reason for it to be a one sided conversation, don’t be the one who does the majority of the talking. It takes two to have a conversation. When you’re comfortable enough you may want to take communications to the next level. Whether that’s via IM or Skype, that’s entirely your call.

When to meet your partner? When you’re comfortable and feel confident to meet. There is no defining moment or set time limit. I’d recommend meeting in a public place such as a coffee shop (I would avoid bars/alcohol). Ladies should preferably have a friend close by or even inside the arranged place where you intend to meet. If that’s not possible, have someone you can contact at regular intervals? Keep your own safety in mind at all times. Being in a public place should force the conversation to non-sexual chat (hopefully) and this will also give you the opportunity to see the type of person they really are. (Some people can appear differently online to how they are IRL).

Use your instincts and go with your ‘gut’ feeling. If something doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t. However if your instincts are screaming it’s the right thing to do…..

This is not a definitive guide. This is for advice, help and information purposes only. Take from this what you will. As always this is gender universal. Written with the BDSM mantra in mind SSC safe sane consensual.

Essay 2014 © dominant-daddy & thekinky-littlemermaid

Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore

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The world is full of relationship advice, from magazines to the Internet to conversations with your friends and family. Everyone has their own theories on what works and what doesn’t, and there’s so much out there it’s hard to know what to listen to. For every good piece of advice out there, there is bad advice too. Here’s what to listen to, and what you should ignore:


· Don’t sweat the small stuff. This is great advice because it tells you to focus more on the big picture of your relationship than every minor problem. Basically, if you love each other and are a good match, then the little arguments about what movie to see don’t matter.

· Don’t go to bed angry. In other words, deal with your problems right away. Letting things brew over time can build resentment and make the problem even bigger. Get into the habit of talking it out right away will clear up issues before they have a chance to grow into something bigger.

· White lies are ok sometimes. In general, honesty is the best policy. But sometimes a white lie is ok, especially when you want to spare your partners feelings from being hurt. It’s ok to tell them that their cookies are delicious, even if they aren’t, or that you love the sweater they bought you, even if you don’t. Sometimes keeping the peace and making them feel good is better than brutal honesty.

· Laugh it off. Couples who can laugh together and can have fun together even when times are tough, have a great chance of a lasting relationship. Life throws some hard stuff at us sometimes, and if you can have fun together and laugh even when things are bad, you are well on your way to happiness together.

· Don’t assume. Try to stop making assumptions about what your partner thinks/feels/wants. Making assumptions can be dangerous because you can read a situation the wrong way and get offended for no reason. Or, you can think your partner is happy with something when they really aren’t. It’s always best to ask them directly about what they’re feeling instead of making assumptions.


· Make him/her jealous. Any advice that tells you to play games in order to win your partner’s attention or affection is bad advice. Don’t try to flirt with other people to make your partner jealous. It could just hurt them and drive them away instead of bringing you closer together and they may wonder if they can really trust you.

· Don’t be too available. There are all sorts of rules about how much time you should spend with someone when you start dating, but the simple truth is this: if you like each other and want to hang out, do it. Don’t pretend to be busy or put restrictions on yourself because of what other people say you should do. Just go with what feels right.

· Don’t call for 2 days. This is another example of pretending to feel something other than what you do. If you like someone, just call. Don’t worry about waiting a certain length of time in order to appear cool.

· Be with someone who loves you more than you love them. Don’t bother with the power struggle over who is more into whom. A healthy relationship is based on balance and equality, not on one of you being more desirable or having more power.

· All you need is love. While loving each other is important, it doesn’t solve all of your problems or mean that you’re right for each other. There are some issues that aren’t fixed just by loving each other. Only you can know what’s right for your relationship and for you, no matter how much you love each other.

How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”

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How will you know when you’ve found “The One”? What’s the difference between someone you really like and your soul mate? Here are some clues that you’ve found “The One”:

Unexplainable feeling. We always hear people say that you just know it when you’ve found the one. When you ask someone how they knew they were with their soul mate, they’ll often respond that they can’t quite explain it but they “just knew”. You can’t put your finger on it, but there’s a feeling you get when you’ve hit the nail on the head. If you have to ask, you probably haven’t found it yet.

You get each other. If you and your partner just get each other, they could be the one. When you understand each other without having to work at it, you’re definitely on to something. It’s easy to be around someone who gets you and understands your personality without having to try too hard.

It’s easy. Some people in your life take a lot of effort to be around. Maybe you feel like you need to entertain them or work hard to make conversation. When you’ve found “The One”, it’s just easy. You can hang out and do anything and still have fun. Being together is effortless and enjoyable without either of you having to be “on”.

You fit into each other’s lives. Even when you’re both busy, do you easily fit into each other’s lives? If you are able to blend your friends together, spend time with each other’s families and just generally “fit” together, chances are you’ve found something special.

People are happy for you. If you’ve found “The One”, chances are it shows. You’re probably happy and giving off a positive, relaxed energy. People around you like your friends and family love seeing you this way and can tell that the relationship is good for you. They’re happy for you because they can sense how happy you are.

You are best friends. You know you’ve found “The One” when you become best friends. Are they the first person you want to call when something good happens? When something bad happens? When something funny happens? They should be your “go-to” person for just about everything.

You’re there for each other no matter what. Do you and your partner support each other through thick and thin? Do you have their back and do they have yours? If so, then they could definitely be “The One”. When you’re able to support each other through all of life’s ups and downs, highs and lows, you’ve definitely got a good thing going.

How To Get What You Want In A Relationship

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If you aren’t feeling fully satisfied in your relationship there’s a lot you can do to ensure that you’re getting what you want and need from your partner. This doesn’t include dropping hints and playing games, but taking a more open and honest approach. Here’s how to get what you really want from your relationship:

Ask straight up. Your partner is not a mind reader; so don’t expect them to just know what you want from them. If you want more affection or better communication, just tell them straight up without making them guess.

Give examples. Don’t just say that you want them to be more romantic, but give examples of what that means to you. They’ll have a better idea of what specifically you want and they’ll know right away what they need to do.

Demonstrate. If you want them to do something like communicate with you more throughout the day, then lead by example and do the same yourself.

Tell them how it makes you feel. If you tell them how it makes you feel to not be getting what you want, it will show them the reasons why they need to make the effort. They may not be talking about their feelings more or whatever it may be, because they don’t know how important it is. If they know that you feel sad or hurt, they’ll be more likely to make changes, because they don’t want you to feel that way.

Show gratitude. When they do start making changes and giving you what you’ve asked for, make sure to show your appreciation. Let them know that you appreciate that they are making an effort.
Give them something. Treat this like a trade. If they do something that you want, you should reciprocate by doing something that they want. If they start talking about their feelings more, you could show more affection, or do something that’s important to them.

Reinforce. Confirm that they are doing the right things by giving them positive reinforcement. Tell them how much it means to you that they are making an effort to make you happy. They won’t keep up any changes if you don’t show positive reinforcement that they’re getting it right.

Use an ultimatum as a last resort. Only if you are feeling really dissatisfied in your relationship and have tried communicating your needs in the ways listed above, should you use an ultimatum. Tell them that if they can’t or won’t give you what you need in the relationship then you’ll be forced to leave. This is a powerful move, and you have to be prepared to actually follow through with it if you want them to take you seriously, so make sure that you use it only as a last resort, not as a starting point.