Saturday, December 9, 2017

How to Become a Legendary Sir


First off, I recognize the amazing arrogance of the subject line.  Who the heck am I to claim any inside information on becoming "legendary"?

Well, it happened to me, and now, decades later, I gladly give away my trade secrets.



After twelve excruciating years of being in the Catholic school system in the 1960's, I graduated with a painful understanding of just how unprepared I was, for the real world of being a kinky gay male.  Going to the prom with a girlfriend (twice) had zero relevance to a young leatherman briefly living in Boys Town, West Hollywood in the mid-1970's.

First, I tried to learn from men my own age, and that was a bust.  Most of them were just as lacking in wisdom and sophistication as I was.  Then, I found older leathermen, and I discovered exactly how to get the hard-earned wisdom that would sustain me for the rest of my life:

I asked nicely.

After every single play session, I'd ask my playmate "How could I have done that better?"  Every man found this flattering and encouraging.  In fact, I can't recall a single time that somebody didn't honor my request in the spirit in which it was asked.  However, keep in mind, forty years later, my memory may be faulty.

I mentor younger gay leathermen every day.  Imagine me wearing a t-shirt that says "MENTOR" across my chest.  I don't OWN such a shirt, but I'm making a point here:

Now, imagine your playmate/date/trick wearing an invisible version of that same shirt.  When he gives you an after-play "report card," he is handing you big handfuls of what you need the most:  FEEDBACK.

Feedback leads to wisdom, which leads to confidence, ending up with serenity in your role as a Sir.  Nothing is more sexy and attractive in a Sir.  Truly.  Muscles, money, penis size and $3,000 outfits are all VERY nice (I've had them all, in the past), but confidence, kindness and charisma are what impress the boys the most, for the long-term. 

Pay close attention to what your sub says. Honor his opinions, even if you had a different perception of what happened.  Be open to differing perspectives.  His viewpoint is honest, and richly valuable.

In fact, after a play-session, it's a great idea to order an eager submissive to send you a detailed email before he sleeps tonight, listing what he liked (or did NOT like), and why. And how strongly he feels about it.




So, back to title justification:  How does this lead to any form of "legendary" status?  Easy!  Being known as a sensitive, perceptive and attentive Top will result in bottoms flying at you butt-first from every direction, and dropping hankies and soap everywhere that you go. Your dick will get smaller, because you will be getting laid so much, you will be wearing it down like the eraser on a pencil! Before long, you will be leaving men smiling at both ends, every time! 😀

Back to being serious:

- YOUR VALUE WILL NEVER DECREASE. You know how older gay men can spend a lot of time complaining about becoming old and undesirable? That doesn’t apply in the case of a Sir who has been actively gaining wisdom, and a sterling reputation. I can be the oldest guy at the play-party, bar or other social event, and eyes will be shining, and tails wagging all around me, hoping for a chance.  This advice really, really works, brothers.


Here is a secret:  The sub trains the Sir.  Yeah, yeah - every porn video says otherwise.  After nineteen collared boys, and multiple collared slaves, I am STILL learning the craft, and I am learning it through the desires, quirks and valuable feedback that I gain after every session.

I STILL ask.  Nicely.



Check this video to see how to get feedback DURING a play-session.  That way, everything flows well, everybody wins, and nobody complains afterward.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Tips For Leather/Fetish Swap Meets


I shared this with the young Sirs that I mentor, and I figured that it was worth sharing here, as well:

Local, kinky affinity groups periodically host Leather Swap Meets.  In San Diego, we have Club X  (website) and FetishMenSanDiego (website).  We also have a private individual who has been stepping into his power as a community leader.  The picture above this shows his last, large and successful event. His next Swap Meet is supposed to happen in January 2018.  I can't wait!

These swap meets are not meant as a profit center… just a courtesy for local kinky players who want to prioritize, and clear up some space in their closets, toy chests and dungeons.  If you don't belong to your local affinity group, I recommend at least getting their newsletter, or following them on Facebook or Fetlife.

One good, solid Swap Meet can be a delightful way to fill your toy bag, play-space or closet with gear, at a fraction of the normal cost.  Plus, your new acquisitions comes into your life a bit well-worn and LIVELY, with the history of the player who passed it along to you…



Arrive early. Don’t let other people scoop up all the good deals before you get there.




BRING CASH. The sellers are not corporations, they are generally heavy kink players, and they don't take credit cards. If you don’t have enough cash, leave a deposit to reserve the sale until you can get back from an ATM.




If it fits you, and if it makes you feel sexy, BUY IT NOW!!!!! Don’t say “Let me think about it” and wander away. You’ll see it next on somebody else, wearing a big smile, and wearing YOUR item. You’ll never see it again. The regret can be terrible.




Ask every vendor if everything that they have is on the table. I’ve lost some excellent deals, because there was some great stuff that I didn’t see before I passed on... such as a SUPERB Mister S Leather Sleep Sack in perfect condition (sold new for $1,699).

For fifty bucks.

The seller had it in a wagon behind him. I didn’t know this until he had agreed to sell it to another guy first. I was courteous and calm, but inside, I was furious with myself for forgetting this simple rule.




Let’s assume that you are open to buying uniform gear, you authority-figure fetishist, you.

If you find a uniform shirt with great insignia, emblems, patches or badges, BUY IT NOW. The way that it fits your body is immaterial.

The decorative items attached to the shirt are what is valuable. Buy a shirt from a uniform store, or online, and of the same design, that fits you reasonably well. Bring both shirts to a local tailor. Have them swap the insignia, and tailor the new shirt to conform beautifully to your shapely form.

Money well spent. HOWEVER…


Right after 9/11, everybody was putting firefighters and police on a pedestal, and they got arrogant.  In the state of California, the right-winger, anti-gay First Responder types lobbied to get a law passed, and they succeeded. Their logic was: “Gay men are RIDICULING us by wearing uniforms!”   Pound for pound, uniform gear is more expensive than leather. So, I am NOT going to spend thousands of bucks to make fun of somebody.  Really.

So, it is now a $1,000 misdemeanor to wear California insignia if you aren't an official.  This doesn't seem to apply to outdoor Halloween parties, but it's pretty serious the rest of the year.  To get around this:

- Wear a jacket on the way to your next uniform party.  Or,

- Get all of the insignia that you want, that applies to any other jurisdiction.  My own New York Corrections Officer gear seems to draw admirers, just as well as my CHP gear.  "Oh, OFFICER!  Arrest me!"




Don’t badger the vendor for a better price. It ain’t that kind of scene. These are usually well-known and respected community members.  You’re gaining a big bonus already, by gathering part of their Tribal history into your life.

A friendly interaction can gain you points in the local community. A competitive, zero-sum hard-driven bargain can cause bad ripples. YOU may not know the vendor, but a lot of local movers and shakers DO.

I’ve seen many of these Leather Swap Meets. I’ve never seen any bad prices. Only excellent, gratifyingly low prices.  Have a great time!

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

The "Trophy" Boot Print






Being a Flogging Top, AND a long-time collector of fetish boots, I like to reward a dedicated sub with a spectacular image of his back.


In my experience, this image becomes a treasured keepsake of a pleasurable (and intense) time together.

For those who flinch away, and worry that this is somehow torturous, it is not.  Every single man who has been through this process would gladly do back-flips, or pay good money to have it happen again.




Step-By-Step Instructions


Redden-up the sub's back. My classic instructional video can be of great help.

Quickly get him face-down, on the floor.  Speed is essential.

Press as hard as is polite and comfortable, with the boot, where the flesh is reddened…

If you are FAST enough at taking the picture at the right time, then you probably have a great picture, and might not need to continue with directions any further.  Everything after this is meant to make the image more impressive. I don't know how to accomplish the following photo-editing process on an Android phone.  I welcome feedback that would help me add more to this article!



If you have an iPhone, get it into position and HOLD DOWN the button to start a burst of photos, as you quickly move the boot to a position next to the boot print, as shown above. That boot print goes away fast.


On the iPhone, tap on the miniature pic on the lower left, and then tap “Select”.  Slide through the images until you find the perfect, CLEAR boot print. Tap on it to mark it, and tap “Done” to delete the un-needed images.

At this point, make the sub kneel next to you, and wrap his arms around your leg. You have a little more work to do.



Editing:

WHY do we want to edit the image?  Because the sub deserves to see what the human eye sees, not the washed-out, grayish image that the phone's camera picks up.



Go to your Photos app, and then to your Camera Roll. Tap the boot print image. Tap the word "Edit" at the upper right.


Tap the "V" symbol to the right of the word "Light".


Tap on "Brightness", and then adjust the image to become slightly darker.  That gets the image ready for the next part.  Tap "Done".


Then, tap "Contrast", and drag to the left to make the image's boot-print "pop!".  The amount is up to you.  We are not making a documentary.  Our goal is to make the image as impressive as it was in real life.


Final editing step: Tap the "V" symbol  next to "Color" and tap on "Saturation". Drag to the left until the back looks realistically red.  Try not to make it TOO much of a reddened horror-show.  Tap "Done".

Immediately show it to the sub, and text it to him, on the spot.  Tell him that he has earned this trophy image because he has pleased you so very much.  Only a real, dedicated submissive could have earned something so nice, and took it so well.

Time to cuddle!

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Training and Protocols for a New Submissive




 Question: Do you all have any Protocols for starting play? Like, your subs bringing you their collar or having him sit and breathe before starting?
(Standard disclaimer: These steps and concepts are what works for me, personally.  If you ask eighty different Doms, Sirs and Masters for THEIR opinions, you will get eighty different answers. Also, the original version of this topic was a mess of pronouns of every kind.  I simplified it for consistency, and my own, gay-male viewpoint.)



All of this following advice assumes that the sub wants to be of service, and has lasting value for you… not just a passing, one-night stand.

Collaring, Phase One


If he is a NEW sub, but I have taken quite a fancy to him, I may take some lariat (boot lace) leather and tie it around his neck.  I refer to this as his "training collar".

After the scene, I will have him wear the training-collar into the shower, so that it lays flatter under a t-shirt at work, let's say.

Since the leather collar is comfortably fitted, transparent on an airport x-ray, and not visible at work, it's no big deal.  It is an ongoing reminder of YOU, and your role in his life.  If you are a sentimental old fool like me, you will also tell him that he is to consider it to be a hug from you, as well.

I tell the eager new sub that when the two of us are together, and the collar goes on, then it takes away his ability to over-think things.  He ALWAYS has choices, but your purpose is to support him in letting GO of old fears, biases and wounds, and learning to trust completely.  At the end of the scene, remind him of that promise, and ask if you have earned more of that trust.  I do this, to rub that firm commitment into the sub's face, so that he always LEARNS from what happened.

This is a process of mutual growth and understanding.



Collaring, Phase Two


I may tell him, after time has passed, and if he impresses me after multiple play-sessions, I will swap the training collar out for a REAL, long-term collar, sized just for him. He will be the custodian of the collar, and he brings it to me the MOMENT that he arrives for a play-session. The "CLICK!" noise when I close the lock is what starts the scene.



The Purpose of the Collar

In service to an Elder of the Leather Tribe.

A collar, at its very best, is a very public declaration that this submissive is special.  He rises far beyond the vast number of un-collared submissives out there. He is a treasure of great value, and he is on an upward trajectory of training and satisfaction.

I have brought newly-collared submissives to large leathermen's events, as part of helping him to understand how his life has changed.  I will enter the event with him, tightly by my side, and slightly behind me… even at the end of a leash. That way, all eyes fall upon us as a bonded unit.

After a while, I will tell the sub to wander off and make a circuit of the space, and not to come back for at least half an hour.  When he comes back, I interview him about his newly-collared experience.  In every case, he is flushed with pride.  Folks will tell him "You KNOW that you won the lottery, right?" or "How did you get on the list, you lucky bastard??!?"

This process is to support him in understanding just how much his life has changed.  There is more to this, but that would not fit within the concept of "new submissive".  

All that I would add is that a collar is a one-way GIFT.  The very last thing that I would ever do, is to demand to take a collar back.  It is a HUGE, wrenching breakdown for a sub to have to relinquish his most-prized possession.  Don't be so cruel.



About Protocols...


"Protocols" are consistent and repeatable actions, orders or expectations that the Sir has for the submissive.

The purpose of protocols at the arrival-point is to support the sub into reaching sub-space during the scene.  He can't do that if he is all logical and analytical, and over-thinking everything.

By telling him soberly and assuredly that you are placing the collar upon him as a token of extra respect for him (he stands out from the crowd of subs who seek a Sir), you are claiming him as your sub.

Tell him that your goal is to overwhelm him with pleasure and stimulation, to reward him for giving up control, and going with the flow.

Use the phrase "I am an ethical Sir" as a powerful declaration.  Don't use weasel words like "I will try" or "if I can".  Use powerful statements not only to reassure him, but to give yourself the courage to be a man of your word.

Make a stand for your superiority, compared to the scary types who lurk online and prey upon the innocent.  You may be new at being a Sir, but your heart is pure, your intentions are honorable, and you will gladly do what it takes to be respected, honored, admired and LOVED.



Setting Up the Play-Space


That's the protocol for the first few minutes.  After that, teach him what pleases you as far as setting things up. This is for folks, like me, who have no dedicated Dungeon Space.

Properly collared, he needs to strip naked and serve your needs, while you remain dressed, visibly goofing off nearby.  Setting up toys, or showering first.

In my own, rather more-advanced case, the slaves have to be taught how to douche, to set up the sling, cross or rim-chair.  He may have to bring the toy-bag upstairs. He might bring up the Big Box 'o Rope™, or the strap-on dildo with lube.  He ALWAYS has to spread large towels on the bed - the husband dislikes finding lube-stains and bodily-fluids on the sheets, when laundry-day rolls around.

Doing stuff like this helps the sub escape from the concerns and considerations of the world, and puts him into a mindful space of pleasing the Sir.

Once the scene has been set up to your liking, he comes to you and kneels, to announce that all is prepared.  He then formally undresses YOU, slowly and lovingly.



Cuddling, AKA BeforeCare, DuringCare and After Care

I take the sub deeper, by cuddling first.  This ALWAYS shocks men that I train to be Sirs.  This part doesn't appear in ANY kinky porn.  Yet, it works great for me.


I say "put your head on my chest", and he can't wait to do so, immediately.  I caress, we murmur together about this and that.  Touch is VERY reassuring.  It's hard to bullshit people when you are close, naked, touching and fully authentic from moment to moment.  This GREATLY breaks down resistance and preconceptions.

After a short while, I will order the sub to lay flat on his tummy.  I begin caressing more sensuously.  I use every tool that my body has, to make it a deliriously pleasurable kinky massage.

I may then start TESTING the sub's reactions, but playfully smacking the side of his ass, and checking in... "Does that hurt?  Do you feel violated?  You never will..."

Test his reactions to tickling, nipping lightly, or spanking, by always starting out light, and then working one's way up.

The goal is to get the endorphins flowing, more and more.

I sometimes provide a break in a heavy scene, and it always involves cuddling.



Responsibility For Both Sides


NOW is a VERY GOOD TIME to give him the lecture about Responsibility For Both Sides.  Tell him how responsible you are.  Lay it on thick, and truthfully.

However...

He also has a responsibility to tell the Sir what does and does not work, in real time.  If he tries to lay there stoically, in an attempt to impress the Sir with his stamina, discourage this by telling him that you want honest, constant feedback.

Tell him that his reactions excite you, and the more that he submits, the more that you will dominate.

If all goes well, then amp up the action, using toys.  If you have watched my Flogging for Beginners video, then you will know how to calibrate for success.

Tell him that you will never take him past level 8, out of ten.  That you would rather UNDER-do the first scene, leaving him wanting MORE, than to over-do it.



Distracting the Little Voice in His Head


Why do I keep harping on using your words as powerful declarations?  Because we Sirs have the power to set the agenda, and guide the flow.

Take a moment to consider what we Sirs are up against.  Bias, misunderstanding and stereotypes, and we have to be active in our efforts to overcome those problems.  Kinky dominant folks are EASILY put into a box called "SCARY".  As an ethical Sir, you have to consciously break down the presuppositions.

Because there is a little voice in all of our heads, and it has a purpose:  It wants to keep our lives safe, and without risk.  It wants your life to be FLAT, with no dips or peaks.  The problem with that is, only DEAD people have existences that never change.

Yes, failure is scary, but taking chances and being rewarded is what makes us reach new, and glorious highs.  If done right, and in a conscious way, then the two of you will still have ups and downs in your life, but the trend will be UPWARD.

As Sirs, we have to reassure the sub's little voice in his head, which wants to scream "WHAT am I doing here?" "Does he think I'm too old/fat/skinny/young/hairy/smooth?" "Am I good enough?"  By talking with assurance, by clearly signaling what comes up next, and by REMINDING the sub what just happened, and why, we are locking-in deeper submission.

That little voice in his head will be distracted by what you are doing and saying, and he will dive deeper into a trusting place.



Reaching the Ultimate Goal


If you see kink as Extreme Intimacy, as I do, then the goal is to get to Ultimate Ecstasy, using zero drugs, or other crutches.  This never happens without clear thinking and intention.  You don't have to understand all of this fancy talk from me in a logical sense.  Just dive deep with honorable intentions, and you will be FINE.

Once you have the sub nicely excited and relaxed, then sex is quite nice.  I recommend it.

Or, you can go more stimulative, with toys such as paddles and floggers.  Your call.  Trust your gut.  You are running the show.  If all goes well, then the two of you will keep growing and maturing and gaining wisdom, every single time that you connect.



Aftercare, & Report Card


AFTER a scene, aftercare always involves cuddling.  Why?  Because, done right, the Sir is directing the mutual powerflow toward intensity and stimulation.  If I were to do outrageously new and exciting things, and then kick the sub out the door, then it breaks the connection in an upsetting way.

Proper aftercare consists of several components:

- Physical touch.  Lots of it.  Drifting along for a few minutes is always well-received.  I will order the sub to "go deep for a while.  I will watch the clock".

- This encourages the sub to go right into Sub Space… a mental state where deep ecstasy and relaxation take over. The face goes slack, dreamy bliss takes over, and the sub may even conk out for a few minutes.  Not from stress, but from the natural endorphin high.  It's a magical time.

- Praise for a job well done.  This MUST be authentic and from the heart.  This "Report Card" is crucial for both sides to know how they did, and what works great for the future.



Closing Protocols


I like to take a shower after a scene.  This may include having the sub shave my head, wash me lovingly in the shower, dry me and dress me.  I head downstairs after this, while the sub stays behind.

It is NOT the Sir's job to clean up.  Everything that changed during the play-scene must be put back the way that it was.  Tidying, cleaning, putting things back where they belong.

Then, I am called back for inspection.  Once everything is up to my satisfaction, the sub can dress.  

The sub presents himself to me, for orders, and we negotiate plans for the next scene.  If he is wearing a chain collar, he hands me the key.  EVERY single time, he whines and complains about having to take it off.  However, since my slaves all have long-time vanilla husbands, it's not really an option.

As the sub is heading out the door, I will issue a final order for the scene:

"Before you sleep tonight, I want an email from you, telling me what happened, (as if I wasn't there), and tell me what you liked, and what didn't work as well".  Until we develop Psychic Sirs, then feedback of this quality is essential for us to learn our craft.

Have fun!



UPDATE, from my buddy and fellow Mentor Todd:

The article is well written.  It describes your process very clearly.   I see a couple of things that are fairly universal.  The “ramp up” process of putting the sub in headspace is universal and can take a lot of forms.  All of that comes thru practice and experience.  Each Dom may achieve the same thing thru various means but what you’ve described is a good place to start.

Putting the subs head on your chest is what we call “home position” and is the place the sub can always escape to when things get rough.  “Home position” for me is always available whether in or out of a scene.

For me, collars are a REALLY big deal.  Wearing my collar means that the sub represents me and is an extension of me and my family in the community.   I do prescribe to the different “stages” of collars like you described.  Here is also a good video regarding collars that aligns well with me.

Honest, real negotiations going into the scene are CRITICAL!  No one wants to have someone tap out mid-scene. So be honest about your skill set and expect the sub to be honest about their interests.  Kink play RARELY happens spontaneously, but a good introduction makes for some amazing experiences.

Of all the things you described, after-care is the most essential.  It is the Dom's responsibility to reintroduce the sub back into the real world and out of headspace.  You have been pushing the sub mentally and physically for a period of time (sometimes to the point of breaking) and abruptly dumping the sub after the scene can lead to anxiety at best and trauma at worst. Aftercare doesn’t end after 15-20 min either.   You ramped the sub up for weeks; the come-down should be at least equivalent.

AFTERCARE - (after kink care)

Thank you for showing us a glimpse into the way you manage your scenes. Subs trust us with their whole being and we as Doms must honor that gift and treat it with the respect it deserves.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

5th Annual Leather Fetish Ball in San Diego, December 8!

Note from Papa Tony:  This event WILL SELL OUT.  Plan accordingly.




The Leather Fetish Ball Is Coming Again For A Special Night!

9PM to 2AM, Friday, December 8, 2017

Location: The Rail3796 5th Avenue, San Diego, CA 92103

A tribute to the works of Tom of Finland.

Please join us for the 5th annual Leather Fetish Ball in San Diego to celebrate the diverse community we are, with art, entertainment, demonstrations, vendors and of course, you.

A portion of the proceeds goes to the Tom Of Finland Foundation and our amazing sponsors include The Rail, Pleasures and Treasures, Leather Love and BoyPup Creations. Please mark your calendars for Friday, December 8th at The Rail.

DJ: Ryan David Racino

Mistress of Ceremonies: Glitz Glam

Get your tickets for just $25 each on EVENTBRITE, or in person at PLEASURES & TREASURES2525 University Avenue, San Diego, 92104

For further questions please contact Robert Rodriguez at 619-817-9926. See you there!

Please spread the word, and follow the Facebook link to RSVP.



Here are pics from previous Leather Fetish Balls.  They are always the event of the season!