Sunday, February 2, 2020

Kink Mentoring Archives


Here are links to 700+ articles, instructional videos and audio recordings, concerning kink/leather/fetish history, advice, hard and soft skills, and so forth.  Many articles are by me, but I have also included juicy and valuable wisdom from others, who are clearly identified.

The goal of these links is to support others in becoming wiser, more skilled, and more accepting of themselves and others.  Ideally, I’d love to save folks several decades of guessing, and learning the hard way.

Enjoy!

Papa Tony



Newest Postings Can Be Found Here.

The Kink Mentoring Archives, Explained


Categories:

Submissives, Slaves & Littles - Looking for mentoring? Here are massive amounts of relatable advice. Scroll through the whole thing.

Doms, Daddies & Masters - Many, MANY mentoring, opinion and advice articles, meant to help dominants to reach their next level, and beyond. See also:  Fake, Ignorant or Abusive Dominants, and Superb, Thoughtful and Valuable Dominants.

Safewords, Defined - Both dominants and submissives deserve to feel safe, comfortable and get care and reassurance when they need it.

Playing with Disabilities - Hell on Wheels: Disabled Dominants; Kneeling In Spirit: Disabled Submissives; Power Exchange Books: Playing with Disabilities; Mastering the Mind, Doms with Disabilities

Consent - Consent is one of the biggest themes of BDSM—if you don’t know that, you really need to read up before you pick up a paddle. BDSM is built on a system of “safe, sane, and consensual.“

Dating and Relationships - Personal stories and advice, from those who have lived and learned.

Sub Drop, Dom Drop and Aftercare - Let’s understand the psychology and physiology of how Doms and subs may similarly experience a “drop” after a session!

Social Skills, Etiquette and Fitting In - How to succeed in the larger kinky community, and as a self-loving kinky person. You are NOT going to find this kind of information anywhere else.

Books for Kinky Folks - Recommended reading material, to help in gaining wisdom and personal growth.

Checklists, Communication and Negotiation - BDSM Play Partner Check List • Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations • If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist • What Are Negotiations Good For? 

Advice & Soft Skills - Learn solid interpersonal skills, and to overcome obstacles in healthy ways

Opinions - Sharing some ideas that might work well for others

How-To: Hard Skills - Covering technical skills that will last you a lifetime

Valuable Links & Lists - Providing access to many more resources

Mental Health, for Kinky Folks - MANY resources and useful life-experiences.

Reviews and Toys - How to save money, time and wasted energy when shopping for kinky gear



My Personal Stuff

New Traditions, History & Mentoring - Going deep into mentoring as a goal and a noble activity, and diving into our shared history.

Creating Community Via Leadership - Encouraging and educating folks who want to be effective community leaders

Memoirs of a Gay Leather Elder: Four Decades in the Tribe - My book’s first draft.  These are stories that nobody else can tell, from a lost part of pre-AIDS gay leathermen's history.

Papa Tony's Verbal History

Part 1: Coming Out As A Young Gay Leatherman in the 1970's. 

Giving the context for what follows.

That's me on the left, with my leather mentor David Dollahite.

Part 2: When Things Went Very Bad:  

Part One (telling the stories, and counting the cost for myself, and for our Tribe), and Part Two (feedback, and fun stories).


From Papa Tony:

I am the founder of FetishMenSanDiego (FMSD), and ran it for years. Now that I have stepped down as a community leader, I am embracing the role of Elder in our Tribe.  This means that my duties have changed.  I now:

- Celebrate when men in our community have reached their next level of achievement

- Mentor others when requested, and

- Preserve our cultural history. As part of this effort, I am starting a series of talks where I share what has happened in the realm of gay leathermen in the last 38 years, based upon my own experience.

These talks are meant to be real, explanatory and true, even if they are sometimes uncomfortable to hear.  As I shift into my older years, I feel a strong need to tell my story, rather than take it to my grave, like so many men in our Tribe are doing.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

10 Misconceptions about BDSM

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!


By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

1.     Kink always involves butt sex or oral sex.

Someone is more likely to ask how long and hard your cane is... NOT your cock!

Kink can be very psychologically satisfying because the sensations can be as intense as it is enjoyable. Depending how you play it’s one of the safest ways to chase your pleasure!

2.     You can’t engage in kink without ever being the recipient of pain.

I’ve had more submissives ask “Can I serve you without getting hurt?” than ask any other question. Sure, so long as I don’t get anything sensitive on you caught in a zipper! Bondage, blindfolds, chastity, edging, foot play, and watersports are painless and fun examples.

3.     You must do what a dominant tells you.

No power exchange can occur if a submissive does not give up power to his dominant. A dominant can only inspire a submissive to submit to them… Anything else would be non-consensual, and as a result, probably illegal.

4.     Dominance and submission is pre-defined by being a top or bottom.

And I suppose versatile guys are just confused? There are bossy bottoms and servile tops that get plenty of play. Your personality and your ability to sell that personality tell everyone who you are in the world of kinksters.

5.     Kink needs to be complicated.

It’s easy to find pictures of kinksters decked out in complicated gear. But for most people a simple set up is all it takes to have a good time. The sad part is that some convoluted fantasy is often the easier sell.

6.     Being submissive means you can’t be assertive.

A submissive has to be strong enough to tell a dominant “no” and mean it during playtime. Good dominants will respect you being clear with them about what they can do with you.

7.     Kink is about the action not discussion.

A dominant has to know you have a sense of what you can do so they do not harm you while you’re trying to sound more experienced than you are. Telling a dominant you have “no limits” makes you seem reckless not fun. 

8.     BDSM is never lighthearted.

I’ve had a great deal of fun tying up and tickling submissives into surrender. Mom was horrified when she saw the fate of my Elmo. Kinksters love what we do and are passionate and creative about how we do it.

9.     All dominants and submissives want to be treated the same.

Not every submissive wants to be degraded or even submit outside the bedroom. Kink doesn’t make figuring out how to split your dinner checks any easier. But that’s a good thing as it means there’s someone out there into kink and on your wavelength.

10.   Kinksters have something wrong in their heads.

Kink is not necessarily a manifestation of trauma and kinksters are fully aware of the separation between fantasy and reality. 

11.  You have to live the lifestyle to be a kinkster.

One of the first pieces of advices to “spice up the bedroom” is a spanking. The improbability of Cosmo advice being useful aside, tons of people out there dabble in kink without it ever becoming a serious lifestyle.

12.  You’re either dominant or you’re submissive.

The only part of the book “Fifty Shades of Grey” that’s accurate is the title. There are all kinds of gradients in between dominant and submissive. There are even people called “switches” who switch between dominance and submission based on the person they meet.

13.  BDSM happens on the fly.

BDSM requires as much planning as joining the mile high club. Dominants that choose to live the BDSM lifestyle devote a lot of learning through study to how to play with submissives without hurting them.

14.  BDSM is more dangerous than other forms of sex.

Not when done properly. In the 1980s when the AIDS epidemic was going on and no one knew what it was or what was happening men started doing BDSM in larger numbers in hopes of being intimate and alive. BDSM is a very safe way to play as many kinks limit physical contact and there are very few fluids exchanged.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Help Understanding Humiliation

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!


By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

Hey there!

Thanks for the questions about humiliation play. I’m so glad I get to answer more of these!

First, I’m so glad that you understood the intent in my post. I’ve already heard from experienced submissives missing the point entirely which is... aggravating. But I hope anyone who misunderstood the original message reads your first paragraph here in case it better explains what I had been trying to convey. Regardless, let’s answer your question but I’m going to put in some background first because if it isn’t helpful for you, it could be helpful for others. If you get bored or just want to skip to the part directly about humiliation, look for TL;DR below.

Defining terms - Just in case we need to toss this in here, let’s start with a quick definition of humiliation vs degradation. They often overlap a bit, and I’ve seen kinksters use them interchangeably when they don’t quite mean the same thing.

Humiliation - “I find what you’re doing embarrassing to me, and feeling the exposure of embarrassment in this way is sexual for me.”

Degradation - “I get off on feeling like I’m less than or less of a person because of what my dominant does, or how he makes me feel.”

What if I don’t find humiliation sexy? - You may be sitting there and saying “But that’s not sexy.” Fair. For you it’s not sexy, but for others, that is what’s sexy about it. It’s ok not to find everything sexy as long as you don’t make anyone feel shitty about their kink. In fact, I’d actively encourage you to talk to people with kinks you don’t like and ask if they’d explain what makes it sexy for them. 

I wasn’t into flogging or pain play until I talked to someone in a dungeon about what the appeal was. Even if you still don’t find that play sexy, talking to someone who loves it is probably the best chance you’ll have at discovering a new side to yourself. 

Almost all kinks have a variety of flavor specific to an individual, so as a dominant part of my exploration of whether a submissive is a good fit for me is asking that person to talk about their kinks and what about them is sexy for that person. As a result, I have a lot of anecdotal tales around different ways kink is expressed in different people.

Intro to transgression and societal transgression - Your confusion actually seems to be right on point in terms of understanding humiliation. I think your primary confusion is that you don’t understand why it’s arousing to others because it’s not arousing to you. Humiliation is a belittling sort of play and intentionally so, that’s where the arousal comes from! I think one of the important aspects of sexual arousal to understand is transgression. People often find that they have sexual feelings about things they profess to hate or dislike expressed in masturbation. 

Transgression can be against society, for example, sex in public is transgressing against society because it is illegal and people could have strong reactions of shock if they caught someone having sex in public. For this hypothetical person, the risk of getting caught and the potential negative reaction add a big sexual charge for them. 

Transgression against the self - Transgression against the self is actually much more taboo and much more personal. Transgression against the self tends to have more roots in degradation than humiliation. Here’s a couple of examples of kinks I’ve seen in my journey through the tumblr and bdsmlr space that transgress against the self (and sometimes society): political play (someone expressing what they consider taboo political thoughts and sexualizing it), race play (someone expressing taboo thoughts around race and getting a sexual charge from it), or gender roles roleplay (playing out misogynistic   roles between genders for sexual gratification). 

I chose particularly taboo fetishes to really illustrate the nature of personal transgression. There likely are democrats out there who really believe that republicans are doing a lot of awful things to the country and sexually play out fantasies of losing control of the country to their political opponents. There are men of all colors that have had awful experiences of race, yet still find sexual satisfaction from it behind the bedroom doors but still take to the streets to fight injustices against their community. 

There are feminists out there who sexually enjoy the idea of being treated poorly by a misogynist man that would never express it outside of the bedroom. All of those people have in common strong personal beliefs or ethical codes outside of the bedroom that inside the bedroom they play out. In fact, there’s an extent to which the roles and kinks described above are a caricature of how they imagine people who actually believe in conservative values, misogyny, and racist attitudes towards POC. 

Often the role of sexual transgression against the self, is one of catharsis. Getting to control an experience they have in the world that’s negative and use it for sexual gratification for a short time can purge the buildup of negativity before delving into the outside world.


TLDR; Referencing your original observation: “However, the word seems to me to have the meaning of disparagement or debasement.” Humiliation as defined earlier does have an embarrassment aspect to it. You are also correct that it can be something that the submissive finds embarrassing such as “men who dress in women’s clothes” because they find it humiliating to do so. 

You’re also not wrong that subs and doms play with the idea that the sub is forced to do it by the dom, but the truth is if humiliation for “being dressed up in women’s clothing” is your kink? There’s little to no “force” actually involved. Just the play of “force”. Any kink or BDSM play has to be consensual or it’s rape, so always understand that underlying principle when you see play that looks particularly harsh. I think one of the important things to understand for yourself is that there are other betas who want to be respected for their role but that enjoy the transgression against themselves, of having just one man in the whole world they’d allow to treat them that way. If there’s any way that humiliation is likely to appeal to you, I’m betting that’s it.

Conclusion - I don’t know you well writer, but I’m betting that your confusion around humiliation is coming from either a curiosity of “should I look into this?” or maybe a curiosity of “I’m into this, and it doesn’t fit my self-image.” If you’re curious about humiliation, I’d encourage you to explore it more. There’s plenty of blogs here on tumblr and bdsmlr that will be happy to explore that space for you. If you explore it and find that it’s really not for you, that’s a good thing. Knowing what you want and don’t want is really important for submissives. It helps dominants know where your boundaries lie and makes you unique as a sub. Now if you’re already found that you’re into it and having complex feelings around your need to be respected vs your need to be disrespected? That’s only natural when you have conflicting desires. If that’s something you need help with, write me back. I think I’ve rambled enough for one answer.


Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com

And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

 


Fingering

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!


By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

anonymous  asked: 

What are your secrets to fingering? Any tips you’d like to share? 😏

 Hey anon,

Absolutely! Fingering is ridiculously easy but the problem is that guys don’t seem to recognize there’s an anatomical part that needs to be stimulated for it to feel good for the bottom.

Here’s all you have to do.

1. Trim your finger nails! This is vital or you can cut someone internally, it’s not deadly or anything but it’s uncomfortable. Make sure you aren’t leaving sharp edges.

2. Start by putting your bottom on his back.

3. Lube his hole up with your finger or lube shooter.

4. Stick your middle finger in with your palm facing the ceiling.

5. Then stroke your middle finger towards the bottom’s cock. You’ll feel a somewhat firm surface.

6. This should cause a pretty instant reaction. Prostates can be located in slightly different places in different people. Explore a bit if you don’t get the right reaction.

7. While fingering, you should vary the stimulation from your finger. Draw circles, make a figure 8, or do a come hither (google it if you aren’t sure what that is, it’s SFW).

8. Your finger will very likely get tired, doing this right requires a lot of wrist stamina. You will likely need to switch arms.

9. Be prepared for the bottom to insist on fingering in the bedroom as part of your play if you’ve done this right.

Now that you’ve got your ten step process, I’m going to test you. Here’s 5 quiz images, answer will be at the bottom of each pic. Honor system only boys, say to yourself whether each image is right or wrong.

Wrong. That’s to the left of the camera, prostate is under the dick.

 Wrong. A tailbone isn’t going to send him crawling up the headboard.

 Right! This is what a bottom fingering himself looks like if he’s doing it right.

 Wrong. You have no clue what you’re doing if you think that’s correct.

 Correct. Dr Feel Good MD knows what he’s doing.


Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com

And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

 

Dirty Talk

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!


By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):
 I have a fag that I chat with via tumblr. I normally don’t do dirty talk for random boys but I have a connection and a friendship with this particular sub and he caught me in the right moment when I was composing captions for this blog and I was feeling particularly creative. No, I won’t say who the submissive is. But I’m going to post a chunk of our conversation with his name excluded because I feel it was some of my very best writing. This excerpt was posted with his consent.

Sir Alex:

Faggot, correct me if i'm wrong… but when I did the mind reading earlier you managed to shake the lightheadedness, but you went deeper into subspace instead of surfacing didn't you?

Fag:

That sounds right, Sir.

Sir Alex:

So did you mentally panic a bit when at the idea of me seeing all your private thoughts? Were you trying to hide thoughts only for them to bubble to the surface? Or did your mind simply race? A thousand thoughts trying to surface at once hoping I’d see the entirety of you?

Fag

It was racing, Sir.

Sir Alex:

That's what I thought. Your mind is ready to expose itself for the world to see. Even the little thrills around breath play that walk a line… And I’m sure other similar kinks too. Half of the thrill is in the moment before the reaction to exposure of course, when you don’t know if the reaction will be good or bad but desperately NEED it to be good.

Fag:

I want to be in the object mindset too, Sir.

Sir Alex:

Ah yes. The object mindset; where a talented dominant has worked you down, whittled away your being your free will until you're just that an object of pleasure. Reacting to orders, not thinking them through barely aware of the order until after it's completed, and even then, the next order is more important. Every order is more important than any whisps of thought you might have.

Fag:

Nothing but an empty fag, Sir.

Sir Alex:

But fag! it's not the emptiness you want. It's the resistance, the resistance in you to orders!

To men, and to action. That's what you most want gone. Isn't it that little voice that makes you hesitate?

It's so often mistaken faggot. It wants you to stop, but then a man walks up to you in a shower and laughs at your caged clit. A dom takes you under his wing in a public space. But that little voice's dire portents so often never come to pass and you know. You know how much FUN you would have without it. You might even THINK you'd be a better sub without it and as the dominant currently holding this pussy boy under the waters of submission.

I

Am

Here

To whisper

"It's true!"

Let me stomp out that little voice in your head.

Fag:

Fuck me, Sir!

Sir Alex:

So there can be no dissent in that empty brain. There can only be my voice. You want my will, stronger, guiding, showing you my pleasures and my needs. So that you can fall away from yourself and be someone... useful.

Fag:

Fuck yes, Sir! Make me useful!

Sir Alex:

Because if there's one other voice in your head. One other voice more powerful than that quiet little voice that holds you back. It's the voice crying out for you to be used. To make your body, your mouth, your pussy, and never your clit of use to the of pleasure to MEN everywhere! All of them! 

There's only one way to approach a faggot. You do it from behind, never let him see your face, slide up next to it's ear and whisper your presence and intent. You press your hard cock not into the crack, but along it, let its cheeks feel your length throb and take measure of what you offer to feed it.

Fag:

“IT”. I’m melting, Sir!

Sir Alex:

What's that fag? You're getting off on the "it"? Gee how did I KNOW? Such a mystery faggot. 

Oh right.

I may be whispering into your ear. But my fingers are in your brain stirring up all kinds of delightful thoughts and desires and then slowly pulling them forth from its brain. I'm playing it like a fiddle. Soon "fuck me" won't be enough. "Objectify me" either. Or even... "Expose me to the world on your command, Sir!"

What's beyond that I wonder? Heh. Why need I wonder?

Fag:

Holy fuck…

Sir Alex:

Why need I when I have you to take me there?

Fag:

What is beyond that Sir?

Sir Alex:

Spoilers...

I will never tell you faggot. You have to tell me, and the best part is you won't even know until it's an impulse that errupts from your lips blurted out because it cannot be held back any longer a truth that not only must be free but you NEED me to hear. To validate your thoughts to tell you, “That's it! Now you know what's beyond.”

Fag:

Own me Sir.

Sir Alex:

That's it. You know what's beyond and you mean it with every fiber of your being. You CRY OUT to be owned.

Fag:

I do, Sir!

Sir Alex:

It is a burning need within you that must be satisfied by my affirmation: "I will own you faggot."

Have you ever reacted like that to being owned? Has a Man ever made you cry out in need like this before faggot? Has your heart throbbed at an affirmative, at that man affirming with a recognition of what you are and what you need in those words faggot?

Fag:

No, Sir.

Sir Alex:

Then faggot let me tell you those men have done you a disservice I have today rectified. You now know how service should FEEL when a Man commands it. When he knows you inside and out, when you feel you cannot hide a single secret from him.

Fag:

My mind is reeling.

And that reader is where I’m going to conclude this excerpt. If you’ve enjoyed it, reblog it with your thoughts in the reblogs.


Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com

And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

 


Cheap (but Effective) Kinkster Toys

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!


By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

I’m writing all these entries with newer kinksters in mind. Given that I would assume that new kinksters may have a rather small pool of toys if any at all. So below you will find a number of cheap kinkster toys to get you started.

- Clothespins: I’d recommend these for someone starting out with pain play. Apply these to areas where you can pull tight enough skin to attach the clothespin such that it is unlikely to suddenly fly off. Don’t leave them on any space for more than 10 minutes or so. After some time the initial pain of application the area will numb. Twisting the clothes pin can cause the pain to flare up a bit. Do note that clothespins snapping off are incredibly painful and should only be done if the submissive is ok with that. Someone who can handle the pain of clothespins being applied may not be able to handle them snapping off suddenly. Lastly, I recommend the wooden ones as their jaws are solid where the plastic pins use 

- Twine: Twine has a variety of uses: tying off genitals, creating a zipper line (using twine to string together clothespins so you can yank them all off at once in a line. This is VERY painful), etc. I recommend not using it for restraints because it can cut off blood flow very easily and painfully.

- Lube shooter: These plastic “syringes” are super useful to have around. They have a very dull tip and a ½ inch diameter. You can insert them directly into your lube bottle and pull the plunger to get the measure of lube that you want to use. The shaft of the syringe is lubricated by sticking it into the lube bottle so you can insert, press down on the plunger and have someone lubed in seconds with no messing around trying to get lube in the hole. Ultimately, be aware that sometimes the lube shooter can break as they’re cheaply made, but at 8 bucks I’ve been a repeat customer because life is so much better with them than without.

- Paddles: Paddles are usually available for pretty cheap and they’re a toy that isn’t generally considered too intimidating and are PERFECT for beginners. I strongly recommend getting one. Pick one that suits your style.

- Rope: Should go without saying that rope is something worth having. If you have any interest at all in bondage, go for it early on and start practicing hard right away. There are plenty of free resources online that can teach you knots and “Two Knotty Boys Show You the Ropes” is a great guide book that can help you get started.

Some notes about toys:

- Toys don’t make the man: You don’t HAVE to own toys to be a good dominant. They can help make a scene more interesting for both you and the boy by adding variety but don’t feel like you have to own a closet full of toys to be respected. Mastery over what you do have is key.

- Don’t buy something to try it out: I bought a beginner’s electro kit because it was on sale for Valentine’s Day and I had an interest in Electro. I rarely get to use it and it turns out a tens unit is the standard toy for electric play and what I got was a weak to moderate violet wand. What I later learned was I should’ve waited until I had someone to play with who was interested in electro to help justify the cost. Chances are, if I met a guy into electro… he’d have his own unit anyways and I could learn from him how to use it safely. There aren’t enough guys into electro in my area that I get to use it more than once or twice a year.

- INSTEAD explore the toys others own first: If your friend has a tens unit, and can show you how to use it, that's the ideal. Always give new toys anyone else owns a chance! They might end up being something you end up purchasing, and if not? You didn't spend any money that you would later regret.

- DO buy toys that add to your central kink: If you’re really into impact play feel free to focus your purchase on toys that support that kink because you’re looking to play with others who share that particular kink anyways.


Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com

And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.