Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Best Chastity Letter Ever

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By Unknown


You’ve long had a desire to explore Chastity, and although I’ve indulged you at times over the years, we’ve only played at the edges of your desires. That, Boy, is about to change.

I’ve carefully thought through how best to make sure you have the opportunity to explore your desires and explore a period of Chastity while keeping in mind that your fantasy may be more than you’d bargain for.

I’ve also considered our schedules, lifestyle and your high need for sexual release and believe I’ve found the perfect solution to meet your desires. This may not be what you’d choose if it were you making the decision, but the decision will not be yours.

I know you far better than you know yourself, and I understand that an exploration into your desires and fetish won’t work while we remain equal partners, so I’m making you my Chastity Boy. Understand that Boys don’t have cocks (those are for men); Boys don’t have erections; Boys can’t be trusted to stand and pee (you will sit to urinate); Boys don’t have pubes; Boys have chores with ramifications and/or punishment if they don’t perform them to my satisfaction; Boys don’t have orgasms.

I have no interest in your being a boy in any other area of our relationship, but until I decide otherwise, you will be a boy when it comes to your dick and exploring your chastity fantasy.

As my Chastity Boy:

You will be shaved from the neck down.. Chest, Ass, Crotch, Arms, Legs, Armpits will be completely smooth. You will shave yourself and present yourself for my inspection.

We will have sex one more time before you’re locked in the cock cage. Enjoy this sexual release, because it’s the last one I’m guaranteeing for awhile.

To ensure that this is a consensual agreement, you will beg and plead with me to lock up your cock as you’re approaching orgasm. You will beg me to take complete control of your cock and orgasms. You will beg me to make you my Chastity Boy.

Immediately upon achieving orgasm, the cock cage will be locked on your cock. I want it locked on while the last of your cum is dribbling out of your dick and before you even clean up.

The instant the lock snaps shut, you give up all control of your penis and orgasms to me. I will decide the next time you touch your penis as well as the next time you have an orgasm.

I demand the following as owner of your penis:

You will learn the benefits of chastity, the enjoyment of orgasm control and the pleasure of handing over all rights to your penis.

You will learn how to gain sexual fulfillment though bringing ME to orgasm and learn how your ass, mouth and other areas of your body can provide enjoyment despite not being able to cum.

You will not speak of your penis or your orgasms. The penis belongs to me, and you simply don’t have orgasms until I choose otherwise. When asked, you will respond with how MY penis is doing while locked in the cage.

You will learn to embrace your interest in chastity without complaint. You will not ask for release, or ask when you will be released. You will not like what happens if you complain or beg.

Since there are times when wearing the cock cage will cause undue discomfort or not be appropriate, I will allow it to be removed in the following conditions: Doctor Visits, Social Situations, Travelling or other situations as I deem appropriate. Unless otherwise instructed, you will not touch yourself or seek sexual gratification when out of the cage. On demand, you will put it back on and surrender the keys.

Your period of chastity will not impact my sexual needs. You will ensure that my sexual needs are met in any way that I choose. You will learn how satisfying it is to provide total pleasure to me without regard to your own sexual release.

Get used to this. I know you have a strong desire to be a chastised boy, but lack the initiative to do it on your own.

I WILL control your cock and you WILL become the boy you and I both know you want to be.”

Source: lockedguynyc

Monday, February 11, 2019

How to Build Up a Scene

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Note:  This from the excellent and extensive Deviance and Desire site.  Strongly recommended!


There are as many different ways to do kink as there are people, but I want to discuss one particular type that is common enough to come up in discussion quite a lot — “a scene”. Specifically, a scene that you might do at home (which often has different characteristics to one in a public venue).

By “scene”, I mean a structured period of play. In a way, you could think of it as “scripted”, having a beginning, a middle and an end, but it doesn’t need to be a role-play. Neither party needs to change character, unless that’s something you like to do. It also doesn’t really need a “script”, just a kind of plan that is as tight or as loose as you want to make it.

Some people enjoy a bit of spanking to add spice in the bedroom, some spend hours doing intricate wraps with expensive Japanese rope. There are people who combine sex and BDSM, and there are people who consider it two totally different things.

Exploring kink, many people start off learning some skills, or sharing some things they enjoy with their partner, and then wonder how to integrate it into something larger. Having a plan can not only eliminate that stop/start feeling of “now we’re switching on the kinky, now we’re turning it off”, it can also enhance the things that you already know you enjoy doing, placing them into a context, building anticipation and leveraging on them to explore something else.


The kink community is (rightfully) big on communication, negotiation and consent, but it’s not one-size-fits-all and you need to make judgements about what best suits you (both) and what feels right in your situation.

Generally, if you don’t know your partner very well, or you’re exploring new things for the first time, it’s going to be very important for you to talk first. A mistake new Dominants/Tops often make is to think that mystery and “not revealing too much” are tools of control they can use to enhance their role. And, a mistake that new submissives/bottoms often make is thinking that they shouldn’t put forward their own desires (or even limits) because it somehow lessens their “submission”. Many bad experiences have started with this kind of thinking.

It’s often the case that people who know each other well, and have built high levels of trust, don’t talk all that much first. That’s legitimate too. Just be confident that you know where all the boundaries are and you know how you will be communicating during your play (with tools such as safewords, for example). Most importantly, be sure you are clear on what consent has been exchanged. Even if your partner is your husband or wife, consent nearly always has limits and trust can be badly damaged if you don’t know where those limits are.

Putting aside negotiation and consent (you’ve got this!), one thing that is also often worth discussing is what KIND of scene you want. I don’t mean what tools you’ll be using or activities will be occurring, but whether it will be a collaborative scene with both of you suggesting and giving feedback and exploring, or whether it will be a scene where the Top takes charge and leads everything. They’re very different expectations, and it gives you a framework for how to interact.

Again, there is sometimes a misconception by new Dominants/tops and submissives/bottoms that kink is something a Dom or Top does “to their partner”. It’s not, it’s something you do together. Sometimes you might enact it in a more one-sided way, but if you consider the dynamic to be one person’s responsibility then you are setting yourselves up for disappointment.


I like to start my scenes with a period of sensory isolation. I use it as a transition from the busy noisy world to something more intimate. Sometimes I’ll use accessories like blindfolds, but it can be as simple as placing my partner somewhere and going off to take a shower or prepare my equipment.

I like to think holistically about the “staging” of what I am doing because I enjoy the idea of engaging all the senses. For me, that includes lighting, music, the warmth of the room, scent, and the visuals that my partner will see (such as me, and the way I am dressed).

Then I will start slow and build intensity. Activities that establish the “exchange” or “control” are good at the beginning, if that is going to be part of your play. Use the things you do to establish the language you are going to use and the way you are going to interact. Set the parameters by correcting and adjusting.

“Warmup” is often interpreted as the time when you go light with your tools — the soft flogger before the stingy one comes out — and of course that’s important too. But, it’s also an excellent time to make clear the expectations and patterns of the scene. Everyone is more confident and relaxed when they know what is expected of them, so it is at this point that you can instil that confidence.

Take your time and don’t rush things. It’s a little like when you stand up to talk in front of a group and realise you are talking 100-miles-an-hour. Scenes have a far greater tendency to go too quickly and feel rushed than of going too slowly and boring anybody. You don’t have to fill every 10-second gap with a new activity. Set a nice rhythm and play off your partner’s responses to alter the tempo up and down when you want to. It’s another thing you can control.

I’m not going to suggest what you should do in the middle. You’ve got your pleasures, I’ve got mine. What you have done is created an energy and connection.

You’ll fumble some, some things will work, some won’t. And part of what you’ll be doing is building a repertoire of things you know how to do, learning when and how to bring them out and use them. And the learning is so damn much fun.

Something I do suggest — and you can take it under advisement and ignore me, because it’s your scene and you can do what you want — is to keep your hand off your private parts until the end, and focus on your partner instead. Of course, that might include using your partner on your private parts. But, what I’m trying to say is: Focus your energy outwards. Channel it into what you are doing. Believe me, your partner will feel that energy and your status as a Dom/Top will skyrocket.

Which brings us to the winding down. Again, it’s often interpreted as going light with your tools, and that can be the case if that is your plan (though a session might equally end on an intense note with or without a puddle of juices and a “holy f***!”).

Don’t be the douche who gets up and goes to another room to turn the TV on. Maybe your partner wants to be touched now, maybe they don’t. If they don’t, tidy your tools up and stay close-by. The scene might have appeared to have ended, but it hasn’t really.

The neuroscience of BDSM still has some fuzzy edges, but it is well-known and widely-accepted that your partner (and yourself) have just been through some intense body-brain-experiences and your body will be flooded with neurochemicals for some time afterwards. One of those is probably oxytocin (which helps us bond with our partners), and there is adrenaline, endorphins and probably many others.

It’s an emotionally delicate time, and it can have potential downsides (subdrop) and also potential upsides (great feelings of closeness). Use it as an opportunity. Aftercare is important. Tend to your partner, focus your energy outward, and again… your status as a Dom/Top will skyrocket.

Beyond Dominance: Humility

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It seemed appropriate that I kick off an article about non-stereotypical Dominant traits by talking about the polar opposite of the Domly Dom’s raging ego: humility.

A Dominant must have confidence, yes. Confidence in their ability to lead, to make competent decisions, to guide their submissive’s growth. But if confidence becomes hubris, there will be disaster for both Dominant and submissive. The ego must always be tempered by humility.

A Dominant takes on enormous responsibility. Especially in the case of a 24/7, total power exchange dynamic, the Dominant member of the relationship must ensure their submissive’s needs are met, make decisions that affect the lives of both parties, see to the submissive’s training, lead the submissive in the pursuit of his or her goals - it’s a sizeable burden to shoulder. Because of this, all experienced submissives I’ve met have great respect for any good Dominant. Indeed, the Dominants I know are gracious to one another as a rule.

Between the adulation of admirers in their local community or on social media, and the intoxicating praise and devotion of their submissives, even good Dominants fall victim to their own sense of self-importance. Their egotism rolls over not just any opposition they may face, but, if unchecked, their friends and even their submissive. Pride in one’s prowess, taken to extremes, can strip one of the very achievements that inspired such haughtiness.

So a Dominant should, at all times, cultivate a humble attitude. Confidence should stop short of arrogance. Leadership, of tyranny. Desire, of gluttony. The attitude of servant leadership is especially helpful in reigning in one’s ego while nurturing a Dominant’s required skill set. A servant leader leads without desire for personal gain, without thirst for power over others. A servant leader teaches, guides, and inspires their subordinates, always leading by example, and with integrity.

This way, a good Dominant always places their submissive first. The submissive’s needs are the Dominant’s needs. The submissive’s goals are also the Dominant’s. The Dominant seeks only to see their submissive succeed, caring nothing for praise and reward. A happy, thriving, successful submissive is the Dominant’s reward. No other prize is required, nor is it desired.

It can be helpful for a Dominant to keep in mind the classic D/s witticism: 

A Dominant without a submissive is just a lonely misanthrope barking orders at their cat. 

D/s does not exist in an individual. We call them “relationship dynamics” because they’re all about how we construct and run our relationships. Without a submissive, even the best Dominant has no outlet for their relationship skills, no means of practicing their craft. It’s only when Dominant and submissive enter into the endeavor together that the Dominant can shine. I would even argue that greatness in a Dominant is a direct response to greatness in a submissive.

In the end, this is about a relationship. We Dominants can indeed take pride in our hard work, our talent and ingenuity, and the achievements of our submissives. But we must always work to keep that pride in check. Otherwise, rather than hearing the roar of a lion when we speak, our listeners are likely to hear the grating howl of a scavenging jackal.


Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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As you can tell in my next post below, I'm definitely pro when it comes to an alpha feeders being verbally abusive while I service them. I absolutely love men who feel free enough to say whatever they want while I'm servicing them. Because that's just it: they feel free to be as nasty as they want...they're in a place they don't get to go to in "proper" American life.

My next post may seem a little over the top so I thought I would clarify: I'm going to give 100% of my cocksucker abilities to any man I agree to service, whether they are quiet as a mouse or are constantly reminding me of my faggot cocksucker cumslut status as a human being. I am EXTREMELY grateful that a man would share his sex with me, regardless of his verbosity.

But when a man starts being verbally abusive, it's like an electric shock goes through over-clocking the CPU on a gaming computer or injecting nitrous into your car to get a speed boost...for a while, I'm over-heated and going into areas more than 100%. I feel it in my gut and my head and it's like my body, swimming with cocksucker hormones, gets a literal high from it.

At any rate, not all cocksuckers are into it the way I am and I have encountered PLENTY of feeders that don't WANT to say anything. Find the right type of consenting adult that's a good fit for you.

As you can tell in my next post below, I'm definitely pro when it comes to an alpha feeders being verbally abusive while I service them. I absolutely love men who feel free enough to say whatever they want while I'm servicing them. Because that's just it: they feel free to be as nasty as they want...they're in a place they don't get to go to in "proper" American life.

My next post may seem a little over the top so I thought I would clarify: I'm going to give 100% of my cocksucker abilities to any man I agree to service, whether they are quiet as a mouse or are constantly reminding me of my faggot cocksucker cumslut status as a human being. I am EXTREMELY grateful that a man would share his sex with me, regardless of his verbosity.

But when a man starts being verbally abusive, it's like an electric shock goes through over-clocking the CPU on a gaming computer or injecting nitrous into your car to get a speed boost...for a while, I'm over-heated and going into areas more than 100%. I feel it in my gut and my head and it's like my body, swimming with cocksucker hormones, gets a literal high from it.

At any rate, not all cocksuckers are into it the way I am and I have encountered PLENTY of feeders that don't WANT to say anything. Find the right type of consenting adult that's a good fit for you.

In my experience, great sex ALWAYS involves verbal expressions of some sort, even if it is only grunts and moans. It's especially important for faggots to hear their Alpha's expressions for two reasons:

1. Verbal expressions deepen a faggot's subspace and encourages better service.

2. Verbal expressions give the faggot a sense of what is pleasing the Man.

I find it weird when a MAN remains totally silent while being serviced. It makes me uncomfortable, like I'm molesting a terrified child. So Alphas and Men, PLEASE express yourselves in all of your sexual experiences. You are born Kings, so make sure you RUT like Kings!!!


Verbal play is a very powerful tool. A dom can use to shape his boy’s experience of the scene, to guide his boy into a particular headspace, to express his own need for aggression, and much more.

Papa Tony:

I am always, always strict with my subs about how important feedback is to me in a scene.  These links go into greater detail:

When I am teaching a new submissive, I stress the following idea:

"The More That You Submit, The More That I Dominate."

The exact opposite is true, too.

So You Want Your Boyfriend To Dominate You

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(Originally posted circa 2012, © Domwithpen.)

There you are, on the couch, making out. You take your boyfriend’s hand, pull it back and slap it against your ass - you’re getting him started. Encouraging him to spank you. His spank wilts into a tender caress. Inwardly, you groan with frustration. You take his other hand, move it up into your hair, and ball his fingers into a fist. You give it a little tug. See? You think. Pull! His response? He begins to run his fingers through your hair, slowly, lovingly, while gently petting your ass.

At this point, 99 girls out of 100 are dying to kill you and steal your boyfriend. But not you. You? You’re like, “SPANK ME GODDAMIT!”

Sound familiar?

I’ve had a recent surge of questions from eager, fairly inexperienced submissives wanting to know how they can turn their BF into the Dom of their dreams. I don’t know if anyone can deliver that kind of transformation on a blog - but here’s my best advice.

#1 Figure Out What You Want

You need to decide exactly what it is you want, and that means writing it down. Blog about it. Write in a journal. I don’t care. Just get very, very clear what you want and what you don’t want. It’s hard for new Doms, non-Doms, and just plain old “nice” guys to wrap their head around treating you in a way they consider “bad.”

Your guy’s number one fear is that he is going to hurt or offend you - so you need to be really clear what will hurt or offend you BEFORE you ask him to start Dominating you. Don’t tell him you want to be tied up and spanked, and then freak out when he takes off his belt and starts wailing away. Maybe that’s how he was spanked as a kid, and he’s just trying to fulfill your fantasy, only to find out you LOSE YOUR MIND at the slap of leather. 

Now you’re crying, and he thinks he’s become some sort of monster. You both lose would could have been a win-win scenario. Need some help figuring out where your limits are? Try this checklist. There’s probably some stuff on it you’ve never heard of. (Hell, there’s some stuff on it I can’t pronounce.) Write down five of the things you like, and be specific. You never have to show anyone - you just have to KNOW what you want, so you can ask for it.

#2 Drop Some Hints

This is the ONLY PART OF THE PROCESS where I advocate hints. We’re not even expecting your guy to process these. The hints you’re going to drop may only register deep in his subconscious, so that later you can point out his reactions (which he won’t remember) and he’ll be convinced this was his idea all along. What kind of hints? Rent Secretary and watch it with him. Comment on the parts that get you hot. If you watch porn with him, hint at the parts you like. If you’re a 50 Shades kind of gal, read the parts you like aloud to him. I know, I know, these seem like REALLY obvious moves. They’re not. They’re hints.

#3 Exhibit Submissive Behavior

You want to create a sort of D/s onramp for your unsuspecting future Dom. What I mean is, you don’t want to go from vanilla make-out sessions straight to “call my your fucking whore and hang me by the feet from the chandelier while you choke me” without a little warm-up. You want to ease him into it. I suggest starting off with some submissive behaviors that will a.) put you in the right head space and b.) start giving him that power-high that comes with being a Dominant.

Ask for permission. Just start asking for permission to do things that you normally would NOT need his permission to do. Asking permission is a very strong move. You’re giving him power over your decisions. You’re letting him know that you seek his approval and consent. You’re putting him in charge. I’m going to give you a script. Don’t change the words. Say it just like this (trust me.) Examples:

“May I go read my book now?”

“May I wear this dress to the party?”

“May I buy these shoes?”

If the “may I” sounds too formal, start with “Is it okay if I…” or “Can I…” but work your way up to “May I…” if it works for you. “May I” has a formality about it that many Dominants respond to.

Serve him. Make him dinner. When he’s about to get up and grab another beer from the fridge, say, “May I bring you another beer?” (Permission and service in one stroke! Bonus!) Start anticipating his needs. Do his laundry. Think of things he doesn’t like to do and take care of them for him without being asked. I hate sorting mail. girl goes through my mail, eliminates the junk, and presents me with only the things I really need to see. Weird, but it turns me on big time.

Make sex all about him. Don’t worry! This investment will pay big dividends. (Or you’ll dump his ass.) Here’s what I mean. Next time you’re on the couch, watching a movie, or he’s sitting working on his laptop, walk up to him, get on your knees, and look up at him with those big subby eyes of yours and say, “May I suck your cock?” Yeah. That’s a bold fucking move. 

But if there’s a Dom in there, that will awaken him. Here’s another one - when you can tell he’s about to cum, try this: “Please cum on me. Wherever you want.” Are these typical porno stereotypes? Sure. Do they work? Absolutely What you’re really up to is letting him know that his desires come first. That you want to fulfill his fantasies. That pleasing him is what really turns you on.
#4 Talk to Him. (No More Hints!)

After a few days of this behavior, he’s going to know something’s up. You’ve been priming him, pumping him up. He knows something is coming (that’s what she said), but he’s going to keep his mouth shut and just enjoy it while it lasts. Now’s the time to talk to him.

Every guy is different, but we all have one thing in common: WE SUCK AT HINTS. Let me put that another way: ME GUY, NO GET HINT! Guys do not speak hint. We need you to SPELL IT OUT for us. Even if that’s not your nature, even if it makes you uncomfortable, you need to spell it out. You need to stretch past your own boundaries if you want him to do the same. 

So. Here is my coaching on how to have “the conversation.” Don’t deviate from this too much. The parts in quotes I want you to say exactly how they’re written. If guys are bad at hints, submissives tend to be equally bad at straight talk (it’s not always true, but it’s common.) 

So when you think you’re saying “HOLY FUCK THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE!” what your guy hears is, “Do you maybe, um, smell some smoke or something? Oh, never mind. It’s fine.” Seriously. That’s how big the divide is. So don’t change the script! What I’ve written in quotes works. Even if you feel ridiculous saying these words, say them like this. Stop arguing with me! I thought you were submissive? Here’s the play:

Get him on the couch. Don’t do this in bed. Don’t do it in the kitchen while you’re washing dishes, don’t do it while he’s driving, and don’t to it over the phone. Get him on the couch. It’s sexually neutral territory. You can have sex on the couch, but you can also study for midterms or fold laundry and watch Game of Thrones. Okay that’s pretty sexual. OITNB? No, still sexual. Dora the Motherfucking Explora. There. Do this when you’re watching a movie - or better yet, while you’re both iPadding or laptopping. (Or lapbottoming.)

Interrupt that activity by reaching over to stroke his cock through his jeans. Yup. Be that bold. You’re making an overtly sexual gesture here. This isn’t cuddly. This isn’t affectionate. This is sexual. Likely, kissing will ensue, and at some point one of you will come up for air. At that point, here’s what I want you to say. (Don’t wait for “the right moment” - it will never come. You’re just looking for a breath here where your lips aren’t locked.)

“Do you think you could do something for me?”

“Yeah.” (Guys say “yeah” a lot when you try to talk to us during sex. It’s one of the six words our brains can form while half the blood is rushing to our penis.)

“I… I want you to bend me over the side of this couch and take me really hard.”


When you’re in the position, and he’s doing his thing-

“I want you to spank me.”

“What?” (He’ll say what. He may sound surprised or indignant, or he may laugh. None of that has anything to do with you. His cock is in you. He’s not THINKING at all. Just ignore his reaction and go right into the next part.)

“Please, spank my ass. Spank my ass with your hand, please.”

When he does it, no matter how gently or pathetically he manages to spank you, you moan like James Deen himself has just written his name on your cervix with the tip of his dick, you hear me?!? Moan, girl, moan! Then say:

“Oh god, yes. Please, again, Sir. Harder, Please.”

PLAY OUT THIS SCENE. It should unfold nicely on its own at this point. If, for some reason, this goes horribly wrong - I’m very sorry! But this is what it might take for you to find out your guy may not have a Dom in him. At that point, you can accept him as he is, or take more baby steps - or you can let him run into the bathroom and curl up in the fetal position to weep, while you log onto fetlife to update your relationship status.

At this point, experienced subs are calling shenanigans on me, saying “That’s topping!” And, some of you subs are saying “But I don’t want to have to train my own Dom!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But look. You’ve got a guy, right? And maybe he didn’t sign up for this when you hooked up because you forgot to wear your “I’m a submissive” choker on that first date. So on the one hand, you’ve got this guy. And on the other, you’ve got these fantasies you want fulfilled. Someone has to initiate the process - and since you’re the one reading this, that’s clearly YOU. 

I’m just leading you to that first step. I’m helping you get the activity you want in the hopes it will awaken your guy’s inner Dom. He might not have one!! But if he does, and if you follow the above, you’ll have his strict attention. And from there, you can explain that you want him to be in control. Not you.

After this initial session, you’ll want to debrief him. My advice is to let this go how it goes. I only have one coaching: DO NOT ASK “yes” or “no” questions.

“Did you like that?” You ask. GUESS WHAT HIS ANSWER IS?


Now you not only don’t know whether he really liked it, you haven’t learned ANYTHING about him. So ask Open-ended questions only. Here are some conversation starters:

“How did it make you feel to Dominate me like that?”

“What did you like about that?”

“What did you like doing to me?”

“What else would you like to do to me?”

“What would you like me to do for you?”
#6 Be Patient

Your guy might jump on this! I know I would. But, on the other hand, this kind of behavior may go against how he was raised. Maybe his dad abused his mom and the thought of striking another woman horrifies him. Maybe he was abused. Maybe he was just raised by midwestern folks with traditional family values and he doesn’t know quite what to make of all this. (That was me.) So be PATIENT. Keep telling him how it makes you when he takes control. Tells you to do something. Spanks you. Whatever it is. Give him lots of encouraging feedback.
#7 Research Together

And by research? Read and watch porn. I love this class! You’re already on tumblr. Show him the images that really get your juices flowing. Show him your blog. Let him start his own!

Here are some links to get you started on your reading journey:

Domination for Nice Guys

Advice to a Novice Dom

Learning To Be A Dom

Qualities of a Successful Dominant

What Should A Dominant Be?

I hope this plan gives you a place to start.

Papa Tony:  I also suggest this page full of links on similar topics.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Twenty Years of Kink

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I don’t remember the day or even the month, but I remember the feeling vividly. I was wandering aimlessly, searching everything and nothing, then all of a sudden there it was. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The things they were saying were things I’d thought, things I wanted, things I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone. And here they were - men and women - talking about those feelings I had, one darker than the next, and giving it - all of it - a name.


Dominance and submission.

I started reading and couldn’t stop. I flitted from room to room, watching the conversations roll by, the experiences people shared with me and other anonymous faces behind a screen. They were open and honest and raw. I don’t know how much time passed before I took an effective breath, but with it came the realization that I was not alone. I was not a freak. What I wanted - no, what I needed - was something other people wanted and needed, as well.

That was 20 years ago. Now I look back and cringe quite often, but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I have a lot of ‘If I knew then what I know now…’ moments, but I wouldn’t go back and do it again, because you have to go through it to learn it. You just do. Because your track is different than the next person’s, and to learn what you need to learn takes living it yourself.

So what does twenty years teach you? Here are some things I’ve learned:

  • Not everyone likes the spotlight; it’s ok to live D/s very privately
  • It’s ok to make things like rope bondage and tickling hard limits; it’s ok to make anything a hard limit
  • Dominants can use a safeword or otherwise stop an activity
  • You can be the one to walk away; you don’t have to be ‘released’ from shit
  • Liars and cheaters will always lie and cheat
  • Moving quickly rarely leads to longevity
  • Your gut is never wrong; listen to it
  • It’s ok to not look like a fetish model; most people don’t
  • Sex can feel good even without orgasming
  • Squirting orgasms are a bit of a parlour trick; and they don’t always feel as good as other types of orgasms
  • You deserve as much pleasure as he does
  • If the effort isn’t there in the beginning it never will be
  • You can kneel in slip-on Converse just as well as you can in heels
  • You can be a kick-ass submissive and not own a single piece of lingerie
  • You can defer to someone and respect them as a leader even while watching Netflix and eating steak nachos with your fingers
  • Dominants can get sick and be huge babies and still be worthy of obedience and respect
  • Not every Dominant is an executive with an expense account
  • Submissives can make more money than their partner
  • You don’t have to say ‘Daddy’ to feel it in your bones
  • You can love someone and not be a match
  • Toxicity isn’t gender specific
  • Wanting to be wanted can lead to seriously poor decision-making
  • It’s ok to demand more for yourself; having standards solidifies self-worth
  • Strength is a process
  • Self-esteem requires active management
  • Submission doesn’t cease to exist when you’re single
  • Submission doesn’t end when you hit 30 or 50 or 70
  • You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do
  • You can change your mind
  • You can use your voice
  • You have to use your voice
Every time I start to think how things have changed over the years I have to stop and remind myself: Nothing has changed but you. Sometimes I think about that 27 year old, that 34 year old, hell - even that 40 year old, and I cringe. The mistakes she made. The positions (literally and figuratively) she put herself in. How much mental and emotional energy she expended on him. How much she didn’t know.

How much more she still has to learn.

But I’ll tell you what: If the next twenty bring as much joy as the last twenty, I’m in for a helluva ride. And I want all of it - every bump and swoop and whirl. The twists and turns are what make you who you are.

And I’ve learned to like that girl.

Friday, February 8, 2019

Putting the Stereotypes to Rest


I feel a rant coming on. A good old jump-on-my-soapbox-and-fukken-let-rip-about-some-things rant. You know how this works - skedaddle or read on. Biscuits are required. Play nice.

TW: there may or may not be dragons, go gently.

In no particular order of importance, here are the most pressing sources of dumbfuckery in this week’s “What the actual fuck did I just read on Tumblr?”

1) all dominants are >insert stereotype<

They aren’t. Whatever stereotype you’ve set your stars on is not it.

Dominants are not suits. Not sadists. Not natural born leaders. Not sex maniacs. Not misogynists. Not sexist twatwombles. Not alphas. Not betters. Not superior. Not men. Not good with their hands. Not tall strong and handsome. Not domineering oafs. Not managers. Not CEOs. Not flawless. Not infinite sources of knowledge and wisdom. Not of a certain age. Not financially secure. Not broken.

I mean, one can be any or all of those things but that’s not what makes one a dominant…

Dominants are just humans. Just ordinary amazing as fuck folks doing that thing they do so well. In a gazillion different and unique ways. From a bajillion different and unique perspectives. Human beings.

All dominants are human beings.

2) punishment is an excuse to abuse your sub

It’s not. It’s really fukken not.

I wish, and I mean really really wish that I could just *phoomph* like a genie into the same space as the fuckwit dumbass who is abusing their partner in the most fuck awful ways under the pretext of punishment just because they wear a dom sticker on their stupid head. I mean, it’s probably best that I can’t because I would rip their stupid little heads right off their stupid little bodies and feed what’s left to the Godfather’s Ladies. But a girl can wish. And who knows, maybe that level of magick will one day become available to me.

Until then “check yourself before you wreck yourself” twatwombles.

Punishment in the context of a power exchange relationship is many things. Atonement. Accountability. Balance. A learning curve. Clearing the slate. Amongst other things.

It is subjective but always has a specific objective.

It is about responsibility. Care. Love. Liberation.

Being punished should be unpleasant. It should feel uncomfortable. But it must never damage or cause harm.

Punishment is an opportunity to show your sub how much you care.

If it is a pre-negotiated, agreed-to part of your dynamic.

If there is full, enthusiastic, ongoing consent.

3) submissives suffering under the misconception that they have no voice

You do. You have a fukken voice. Use it. Loudly and a lot.

Do not allow dumbass twatwombles to silence you. You do not relinquish the right or ability to stand up for yourself simply because you are a submissive. And you do not relinquish the right or ability to say no. Ever.

4) all submissives are >insert stereotype<

Submissives are not any of the ridiculous nonsensical things that people insist on associating with the word submissive.

Submissives are not doormats. Not incapable of making decisions. Not lost lonely waifs looking for a home. Not stupid. Not co-dependent. Not ignorant. Not sex starved. Not whores. Not inferior. Not masochists. Not Littles. Not victims. Not disposable. Not weak. Not aimlessly wandering about looking for a place to kneel. Not silent. Not obedient. Not desperate. Not women. Not Barbie dolls. Not flawless. Not broken.

Again - one can be any or all of those things but that’s not what makes one a submissive…

Submissives are just humans. Just ordinary amazing as fuck folks doing that thing they do so well. In a gazillion different and unique ways. From a bajillion different and unique perspectives. Human beings.

All submissives are human beings.

Bloody hell. It’s not rocket science - we’re all just human beings doing our best. Can these fukken stereotypes just be put to rest already, please and verrrry thank you….?

Thank you for reading - please eat your biscuit (or two) and for the love of fuck - have an excellent day!

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

instructor144's Favorite Writerly Kinky Blogs

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

Note from Papa Tony:  The following information has been tidied-up for those of us who can no longer see "Adult" blogs on Tumblr, if we had not been following them beforehand.  Thanks, Tumblr!  I have updated the links to all still-existing blogs, and deleted the ones that can no longer be accessed.


I often get asked about solid “writer” blogs (as opposed to blogs that are mostly pics and gifs). Every time I reblog the list, I go “DOH!” and realize I’ve left one or more good blogs off the list. It’s getting messy and unwieldy, so I decided to roll them up into a single consolidated list. Enjoy!









@dominantlife (his “library for kinksters” is a treasure trove)

@thegingerpowers (outstanding erotica, she also puts out e-books)


@heels12345 (especially handy for a Domme/switch POV)




@amysubmits and @cynicaldom (they also have a podcast)





@firefly-flashes (top notch erotica)

@goodhotwife(also top notch erotica)






Communication Skills for the Long Term Relationship

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

My husband (submissive) has had much more experience in BDSM than I have. He admits to 4 Masters, but won't discuss anything about them. I am very curious. He has said two things: that not one of those men have anything on me, and that I am the most astounding top he's ever encountered.
We were both married to women. His wife asked him for divorce, I had to rip off the band-aid to mine. We had discussed making a life together, but I feared that my wife would ruin me financially. That turned out not to be the case. During this period of time that we were "out." prior to moving in together, he announced to me that he was moving about 2.5 hours away to become a slave in an established male hierarchy. 

I was devastated. Because he's so devoted to his minor children, the arrangements we're that he could leave the Master on weekends to see the children. He never moved into the hierarchy, but after two long weekend visits, he told the Master that he was having second thoughts and really wanted to make a life with me.

We've been together over three years, the sex is daily, sometimes more, and we enjoy each other out of bed as much as in. Until I met him, I never knew such happiness could be had with another human. And we both admit that neither of us has ever truly loved another.

The fear I cannot shake is that one day he'll announce that he needs more and that he's leaving me again for a new Master.

I get a very uncomfortable reaction from him whenever I mention the previous Masters. 

On a an extremely rare occasion that we had been drinking and smoking pot, we got into an argument because he jerked off a guy at a pool party and I slapped the shit out of him. Subsequently, we made a deal that I would never bring up the Master and he'd never mention the slap. I felt horrible about the slap and have regretted it deeply.

Papa Tony:

Thank you for sharing, and for reaching out.  I see a LOT more good than bad, here.  I have been with my husband for going on 29 years now.  My wish is that the two of you will always be just as happy and stable in your lives together as we are.

First, I recommend buying and reading the book The Male Couple - I consider it to be THE "shop manual" for long-term male-male relationships.  That will give you both a huge advantage in understanding what you could never, ever have learned from heterosexual parents.  The dynamics are very different.

I Forgive You For Slapping Him.  Now, Let's Fix It

Newbie, ignorant Doms react impulsively and cruelly, because porn says that we Dominants have the right.  Well, real life is not a porn video.  Now, it's time for you to clean up your mess, because you have learned to your mutual sorrow that you crossed a line and fucked up.  It's okay for you to admit that you did the wrong thing.  Even big, ferocious Dominant SlaveMaster Sirs are allowed to apologize.  It's the right thing to do.  Clearing up old perpetrations only ENHANCES the bond between you, and builds stronger trust in both directions for the long, long term.

Here Are The Steps That I Use. When I Know That I Have Fucked Up:

In my own home, our bed is a Guaranteed Safe Space.  It never contains yelling, arguing or making the other side wrong.  It contains tenderness, vulnerability and deeper honesty.  I invite my sweetie to cuddle naked and close.  In the early days, I had to set up the expectations in a clear way, to set up the safety of the space:

"I have a withheld communication that I have been sitting on for too long, and it's eating me up.  I'm bringing this up to you now, so that we can talk about it, clear the air, and make solid plans for the future together.  I will not be making you wrong.  In fact, I never want that, because I love you so much, and I want you to trust me.  I ask that you let me share without interruption for a little while, while I get it all out into the open.

You will have my undivided attention when it is your turn.  I promise."

You don't have to use an actual Talking Stick.  Whoever holds it gets to talk, and nobody else does, but it's a really good tool to make sure that both sides get their full chance to be truly heard.  Maybe, until you men get your communications to a better level, use something conveniently nearby as a Talking Stick.  It can be a nice giggle to lighten the mood.

Right Now, You're In A Shame Spiral.  

There's a very good way to get out of that trap. Admit that you screwed up, and why, in great detail.  Share what happened, with the intention of giving it away to the universe and clearing it out of your path going forward.  Use "Me" statements, and not "You" statements.  Atone, and give your word of honor never to do that again.  Then, make plans to keep your word forever afterward.

Then, open your ears and your heart wide, and LISTEN to him as he takes his turn to share his truth, without interruptions, denials or any distractions from you.  He needs to be heard.  Make sure that he is DONE before you have your turn, which should include referencing what he said, to prove to him that you were listening.

Each time that you do this, acknowledge that you feel better, and even closer.  That builds a positive feedback loop, and reinforces the safety of the space.

After a time, sessions like this will become less and less necessary, because EVERY space will become a Safe Space.  Problems will stop arising and blocking you, because you will be growing together and changing directions with each other.  My husband and I don't need to head for the bed to clear the air any more, because we just let true communication flow, all day, every day.  We have developed deep trust that we don't want to harm each other, or make each other wrong.

Perfection is not required, but a willingness to grow and learn is crucial in the long term.

You both can heal, and even laugh about your relationship challenges some day, but that will NEVER happen if you both stuff it down, and pretend that it didn't happen.  So, don't do that any more.

What You Didn't Know Beforehand

Forty years ago, I interviewed a LOT of long-term couples on their success techniques, and they all agreed on Rule Number One:


Keep that in mind, going forward.  This means, don't store up grievances for each other, ever again.  Laundry lists of hurt feelings are what destroy relationships.  If you build up your relationship on honesty and vulnerability (and willingness to admit that you screwed up), you're going to be together for a long, long time.

Final Thought:

I created the Kink Mentoring Archives specifically to help folks like you, so that you don't have to learn things the hard way.  Browse through it. Absorb huge amounts of life-wisdom from so many different authors.  They have learned how to succeed, and now want YOU to succeed.

We want you to stand shoulder to shoulder with us, so that future generations can stand upon OUR shoulders.  You're on your path to greater wisdom!


Thanks for a great article! This stuff is really important, and I encourage everyone to read this. I’ll add this as well as it’s been on my mind a lot: assume good intent, and come to the table with your best self.

My husband and I are recently married but near our 8th year anniversary (living together for 7, with another couple). We have been poly since day one, kinky, but like all growing adults we have had a lot to navigate carefully. Occasionally we make mistakes. In the past few months I can think of one such occasion where he crossed a boundary I didn’t know I had, and a few specific times in the past few months where I have more selfishly not checked in with him enough (was tired with work and other such distractions from Our Time).

In each case the feeling of shame, guilt, and worry came up. Is he mad at me? How did we not talk about this yet? Why did I ignore this obvious sign he was looking for more of my attention and presence? Are we avoiding something deeply more broken?

Like the article above points out you need to first establish a place where you and your partner can speak on neutral terms. For us, our room and bed is that place primarily. Once we are in that space we know that we aren’t putting on any face or show for anyone else. We can’t be chased out or interrupted. We are particular enough to have extremely rarely shared our bed with other partners, in order to assure the space is protected for us both first.

When he comes to me with an issue I assume first that he must respect me for bringing it up to me - I thank him for that. Likewise I thank him when he hears me out. Then the most important part: as we listen to each other and ask questions, I focus on the fact that he really means well/doesn’t have it out for me. Even if we’re talking boundary crossing issues where I’m feeling vunerable, I actually take time to say that I know and trust that he’s talking with me because he loves and respects me. I know he means business and is willing to really see this issue to a resolution we both find ethical and responsible. I promise not to shame or judge you without reason.

As I do this, my “but what if” worries don’t take control of my mind and problem solving. When I can remember that someone is just looking for a better path forward together, I don’t accidentally start laying the track for us to roll apart. It can be easy for anyone to think of reasons someone would have done a thing - and we’ve all acted on perceived risks, it’s a trait we often foster to keep us safe! In this case, we need to really hear and understand our partner intimately to better understand what risks or negotiations need to occur. If I assume our intent is good mutually, we both can come to the table directly about exactly what concerns, risks, and issues that need solving.

Trust grows when you can consistently honor and respect the reality that you will both hurt, disrespect, and offend one another from time to time. It is not an If - it’s a matter of When. You can choose to approach those moments collaboratively, working to avoid undue conflict and competition.

I’m grateful to those who have listened to me and encouraged me to assume good intent. It has helped me immensely at home, work, with family – everywhere I work with people! I hope whoever reads this finds it encouraging as well, and hesitates less to have that next difficult conversation. You may find it less difficult than you thought, and at the very least less worked up about it ahead of time.

Fake, Ignorant or Abusive Dominants

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

For the flip side of this topic, please visit Superb, Thoughtful and Valuable Dominants Note from Papa Tony:  This overall topic is NOT about new, ignorant and unsure Dominants.  The entire purpose of the Kink Mentoring Archives is to help those folks to become the best that they can be.  

Keep reading to see how to spot the ones who are not interested in becoming better and wiser:


(This is adapted from posts originally by @dirtydaddythings and @londondaddydom by way of @neswpnw)

Tumblr – like other Internet sites and dating and chat apps – is filled with make-believe “Doms,” “Masters,” and “Alphas” that don’t deserve to ever be called Sir or Master by anyone, because they are just losers, fraudsters, con men, or scam artists. I call them “Wizard of Oz Doms,” because, like the Wizard of Oz, they hide behind the curtain of the Internet, pretending to be what they are not.

For those of you who are new to this, it can initially be difficult to spot frauds. Do not be too down on yourself for getting deceived. Learn from your mistakes.

Here are some tips to spot a fraud early on:

He asks for nudes and insists you do whatever he says within hours (and usually less) of first chatting with you.

He quickly tries to monetize the interaction, as by “findom” (short for financial domination) without establishing any relationship first. Telling you to pay him “tribute” to his PayPal account, for instance.

His compliments exclusively focus on your appearance, so he says things like “you look great” but you never get a compliment on your personality or character.

He shows little concern about your needs, interests, or limits except as they coincide with his own.

He is suspiciously quick to punish you. You’re always being told you’ve “been a bad boy”, you always feel like you’re not doing enough to make him happy.

He’s only ever really engaged in the conversation when he needs something. At other times he’s distant and barely tolerates you, if he bothers to reply at all.

His dating site pic shows a dick, or a shoe, or a crotch, etc. If his profile pic shows a man with a “six pack” abdomen who looks like a porn star, you can be pretty sure the photo actually is of a porn star. Invite him to a two-way video chat. The chances of him agreeing to that are almost nil. Even if he says yes, the chances are that he will not activate his cam, claiming there’s a technical glitch, or does not have a cam. A sure sign of a scam.

The relationship feels empty and hollow. You still feel alone.

He doesn’t seem interested about learning more about BDSM. You won’t find him re-blogging long text posts such as this on his blog (instead it’ll be 100% sexual content).

He can turn mean and hurtful, perhaps even threaten you with exposure, if you don’t do as he says.

Recognize the warning signs and trust yourself. Don’t be so desperate for affection that you ignore these signs. Don’t fool yourself into believing him when he says no one will love you like him. He’s right but that’s because his love isn’t love at all and virtually any other love would be better. You are far too precious and rare to allow charlatans to court your attention for too long.

I wonder if you know just how rare you are. There’s no one else quite like you. No one else with your combination of gifts, charms, wiles, or heart. No matter how similar you may feel to someone else, they aren’t and cannot be you.

That doesn’t mean there exists an “only chance” at happiness. There are indeed many who would welcome your gift, treasure it, and nurture it.

When someone comes along who makes you feel diminished, broken, or worthless: walk away. It’s not easy but it’s just that simple. Get out. Heed the warning in your heart, trust your intuition, and remember the content of this post. You’re worth more than you can know to the right person.

More on this topic:

Dangerous Doms - Bad Doms make the rest of us look bad.  They perpetuate the stereotypes.  I’m talking about sociopaths, frankly. Somebody who enjoys others’ suffering or harm, and who has no ability to relate to any part of it.

A Sub Is Not For Respecting And Loving - I beg to disagree.

Confident vs. Arrogant - Feedback for Doms - Ask almost any submissive and they will tell you the world is WOEFULLY lacking knowledgeable dominants.

Good Daddies Versus Bad Daddies - Warning signs and VERY good signs

Alphas Are Not Assholes - I’ve been talking to a boy that was very surprised that “I’m so nice to strangers on the internet even though I’m an Alpha”. I just showed him basic decency and talked to him.

It’s not your fault. - Society sets up expectations of subs being treated poorly because as a sexual minority we are already used to this from other people, and that makes us very easy targets for people like this.

Tumblr Doms Terrify Me - A retort to the usual Tumblr Fantasy crapola.

Demanding Self-Proclaimers - Know your worth boys, don’t go for guys like this. And other Sirs? I’m watching. You can and should do better than this. Our power as Sirs comes in enticing a submissive to submit. Anything else is illegal.

Seven Deadly Sins of a Dominant - 2. Apathy - if a dominant does not care much about his or her sub or their relationship, they are not going to invest the large amounts of time and energy that power-exchange dynamics need to thrive…

Dominant vs. Domineering - pleasurewhore: I was scrolling back through my archives and I came across an ask from another blog where someone was inquiring about signs that a man was not a Dominant, but simply domineering…

Red Flags Need Context - I’ve spoken to a few people who call themselves Doms. Red flags everywhere, of course, but what does one do with a red flag?

You Are Not A Dom. You Are A Jackass With A Whip. - U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like.

How to Have Your Very Own BDSM World… and NEVER, Ever, Grow as a True Master! - Believe that you’re perfect and above everyone; You don’t have to change yourself. You’re superior to any bottom piece of shit.

The following links are from the BDSM Links And Resources, created by desires-of-a-dominant-man on Tumblr. I rescued it from Tumblr's burning wreckage, so that this valuable information doesn't get lost.

He says:

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

Superb, Thoughtful and Valuable Dominants

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

For the flip side of this topic, please visit Fake, Ignorant or Abusive Dominants

What Differentiates A Good Dominant From A GREAT Dominant? - A great Dominant will hurt as much as I’m hurting. They will feel as much as I’m feeling; their response is different than mine but they don’t shrink away from sharing in the pleasure and the pain.

Signs of a Good Dom - We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom…

Things to Remember About Me, My Boy and My Relationship - I have said it before and I’ll say it again: we are partners in a relationship first and the D/s dynamic comes second to that. I am madly in love with this guy…

A Few Things That Will Make You A More Effective Dominant - 1. Every rule you make, every command you give, should be for the betterment of your submissive, the betterment of your relationship, or the strengthening of the dynamic…

Signs Of A Fantastic Dom - We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom…

True Master, True slave - A lovely breath of fresh air

12 Traits of a True Dom - a true gentleman.

Healthy Master-slave Relationships, Defined - If someone is forcing you to do something, he is not an alpha, and if he is not an alpha then what are you doing with him anyways. When you meet a true alpha, your instincts will guide you. Stay safe.

On Responsibility and “Choice” - Being a Dominant, Alpha, Daddy… the standard we are held to MUST go higher than what is legal. We must be Ethical.

The Element Of Trust - Is a true Dom one who can use his/her power of persuasion to convince the sub to actually beg for and accept conditions they might otherwise reject?

True Master, True slave - A slave should know his place, and know what he is worth…

There's Nothing Wrong With Admitting That You Were Once Toxic - A lesson in humility.  “I’m a good person. I do good things”, “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone”, “It’ll be okay if I only do it this once”…

How To Apologize - A grownup man lets go of his ego and admits guilt. Yes, even kinky folks need to know this.  Play-scenes don't always turn out right.

Subs Are Not Some Objects An Alpha (Ab)uses And Tosses Away. - Subs are human beings with whom you reach happiness together. They are (your) subs, because they wanted to submit to you, they desire your domination.

Fantasy vs. Reality - I love your blog but I especially advocate treating your subs right. A lot of D/s blogs on tumblr are too heavy on the fantasy and its sad to see people think that's how it should be.

Distance and Closeness - Closeness is also very important and is represented by presence of the Master and occasional benefits, such as touch, pats and easy to hug. A loving togetherness is not a contradiction to a master-slave relationship.

Understanding the Controlling Power of Master/slave intimacy - Over time, a committed Master/slave relationship, develops an intimacy whereby each partner can intuit the other’s needs, thoughts, desires and moods at any given moment.

Good Daddies Versus Bad Daddies - Warning signs and VERY good signs

Being a Slave-Owning Master Who Is Sadistic, and Sweet - One of my most popular articles. I Was Trained By My First Slave. You heard that right - slaves teach Masters. His needs made him request more from me, rather than just being my boy. I was ignorant, but he asked so sweetly.

Taking Care of Your Boy - If you wish to be a Sir you must accept the responsibility to take care of your boy, physically and emotionally.

So, You Want To Be a Master - Every Dom has an obligation to know his craft: knives cut and so can words, so know your intent before picking up any tool.

Why Some Gay Men Should Worry More About Their Maturity Than Their Masculinity - ‘My dad taught me that a real man is someone who makes others feel comfortable in their presence.’

Good Skills Make a Good Master - This kind of play is not for the faint hearted or the inexperienced. Presumably the Master is a sensible, competent Master who knows that His learning is more important than the slave's…

The following links are from the BDSM Links And Resources, created by desires-of-a-dominant-man on Tumblr. I rescued it from Tumblr's burning wreckage, so that this valuable information doesn't get lost.

He says:

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Submissives Who Submit To Pain: Four Types

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

Anonymous asked:I don't consider myself a masochist in that I don't derive sexual pleasure from pain, but a part of me craves the challenge of handling what a sadist can dish out. Is that weird? Do sadistic doms take on subs like that, or do they generally want a sub who is masochistic?


This is a great question. In my experience, submissives who submit to pain as part of their kink with their Dom fall into three categories:

Masochists. These are submissives who derive genuine sexual arousal from pain.

Servants. For some submissives, “Service” takes the form of submitting to pain from which they get nothing, but which they know is a need for their Dom. They view it as “I’m taking it for him” as a way of serving the Dom’s need.

Competitors. This sounds like how you are seeing yourself. They get nothing intrinsically from pain – it doesn’t arouse them – but they get a lot of satisfaction and pride from saying “Is that all you got? Bring it!!” Silently, of course, if they’re smart. ;)

I can’t speak for all sadistic Doms, just for myself. While ideally, I’d prefer an actual masochist, either of the other types are also fine, as long as they approach the thing in the right spirit and it doesn’t devolve into growing resentment over time.

EDIT: Oh crap, I forgot the fourth category: submissives who get no intrinsic pleasure from pain, but who like/need the effect it has on them, of emptying their overactive brains and bringing catharsis.

Submissive Pride

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

instructor144: Despite a long life of dealing on intimate terms with submissives, I will confess: in some respects, they remain “A mystery, inside a riddle, wrapped in an enigma.” One thing I have given a fair bit of thought to is: what motivates a submissive? What makes them step up and live their submission with such fanatical determination? What causes them to go at their tasks and duties and protocols with such kamikaze intensity?

There are the obvious things, of course. Submissives, in my experience, tend to be inherent “people pleasers,” so that is a strong motivator. There is also the soothing, calming peace that passes all understanding that they find in living their submission like they mean it. There is that ineffable devotion to their Dominant, a level of devotion that one sees very rarely among vanilla couples.

But there’s one motivator that doesn’t often get talked about, a motivator that many might find surprising: 


It seems counter to the stereotypical image of a submissive as demure, Geisha-like, with downcast eyes and whispered “As you wish, Master.” But pride is a thing with submissives; scratch the surface and you’ll discover that submissives are the proudest people you’ll ever meet. Pride in their ability to please and serve their Dominant; pride in their determination to step up and handle their business; pride in the quiet, understated recognition that “I am one hell of a kick-ass sub!!” Often, a part of that is a competitive streak, and the person they often compete with — and triumph over — is themselves. All in all, submissives are some tough, proud little sumbitches.

Now, what is this ramble in aid of?


You are right to feel proud. Of your commitment to your submission, of the effort you bring to the work (and let’s be honest, it often is hard work), and of the hundred and one ways you surpass your former best efforts. But — beware the disease of perfectionism. Your pride can inspire you to push limits and do things you didn’t think possible, but if you find yourself on that endless squirrel wheel where you are obsessively thinking “I can do a little better, I can push a little harder, I can be a little more on point, I can please Him a little more, I can be perfect,” then you need to gear it back and unplug that mindset with the swiftness. Your justifiable feeling of pride can send you down the rabbit hole to burnout and misery. Goal: be the very best submissive you can be. Not: be the perfect submissive.


Recognize that pride is a big part of what motivates your submissive, even if — especially if — it’s something they don’t articulate. And of course you are proud of them as well; if you’re not, then what the hell are the two of you doing together? So you need to be sure to express your pride in them, in every aspect of their being in which they excel. And even more importantly, you need to give them permission to be proud of themselves. Our society, for any number of reasons (very few of them healthy), tends to quash pride, to privilege modesty and self-effacement. “Pride goeth before a fall,” after all. So you need to let them know “Please be proud of yourself for X, because I am very proud of you.” And when you say it, you damn well better mean it.


Sigh, raising my hand…. 🙋‍♀️

I still struggle mightily with the disease of perfectionism. The words I need to hear when my I get into this nasty spin cycle: “You are perfect for me. I decide. I am in control here. You do not get to question me. Do you understand me little one? I chose you. I get up every morning and choose you all over again.“ “Now go get the paper and pen. I am going to help you remember you are perfect for me. ”

What Does It Mean To Be A Smart Submissive?

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lostluna1397: It means that you…..

1. Ask questions.

- If there is any doubt about what you’re doing, and it was instructed by your Dom, get clarification.

2. Are aware of what you need and what you want.

- A necessity and a desire are two very different things.

3. Remain observant.

- Be aware of your Dominants usual behavior, if something is off, mention it. Dominants are human too, they equally need and deserve comfort and understanding during rough times. D/s dynamic aside, be a good partner, care for each other on an intimate level, otherwise the relationship won’t last long.

4. Don’t shy from problems, even though confrontation makes you uncomfortable.

- It is important to address issues within the dynamic. If there is a conflict of interest, let it be known, otherwise it will never be resolved.

5. Allow your Dom to bend your limits, not break them.

- A gentle push is healthy, a rough shove is abusive.

6. Remain realistic.

- Your Dom can be in control of your world, do not let them be the only thing in it. Have hobbies, interests, work, school, something you can invest yourself into for your own benefit/growth and development. Also have other people to converse with, otherwise you are being isolated by your Dom, something that is common among abusers.

7. Do your own research about safety for certain activities. You are the first person responsible for keeping yourself safe.

- It’s like safe sex, never expect the other person to always have a condom when you can carry one yourself. The internet is a very useful/educational tool, if you’re reading this then you already have this at your disposal. Use it.

8. Remember to respect yourself while respecting your Dom.

- Retain your sense of self while you are with your Dom. Don’t let your need to submit blind you to an inadequate “dominant” who just wants to take advantage of you.

9. Communicate.

- Communicate your needs, your discomforts, your concerns, your interests, your perspective, your likes, and just your thoughts in general. Regardless of how good your Dominant is, they are not a mind reader. It is imperative to communicate, especially if you are in a long distance relationship.

However, there are times when you can be “too smart” of a submissive. Sometimes that’s a good thing, other times, not so much. This means that you’re beyond analytical, you never allow yourself to fully submit, and you obsess over being “the perfect submissive,” even though there is no such thing. This cautiousness can go from keeping yourself safe, to restricting yourself, very quickly. It is important to find that balance and more important to be with a Dom who has earned your trust.

Now this leads to the ultimate point that was to be made to me by writings this. I’m an educated, yet inexperienced, submissive. Am I a smart submissive? According to what I’ve written, it seems so, but I still disagree. I don’t see myself as being a “smart submissive,” I see myself as being a submissive with an intellect, an impulse to question the majority of things, and a reserved demeanor.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Let’s Talk About Safewords

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During a conversation with one of my partners, the beautiful and amazing @danipup , we realized that there were some things regarding safewords that a lot of people seem to not understand and that I hadn’t really written about previously. I’m going to rectify that now. This is in no way intended to be a complete list of topics related to safewords, and I invite anyone reading this to add to it anything they feel is relevant and not often discussed.

1. “No”, “stop”, and “red” are safewords in most contexts. Unless negotiated prior between the partners (for example, in CNC), there is no reason that any of these terms should be taken for anything other than what they are- the expression of one partner to stop the scene. These are, in fact, the most common safewords in BDSM. A safeword doesn’t have to be something like “monkey banana raffle”.

2. You can safeword any time you want. Period. Be willing to talk about it afterward, because the goal is to get you into a level of comfort where you are pushed and thrilled but you don’t get to a point where you need to use your safeword. But understand that you can always use it.

3. A safeword doesn’t always have to mean “shut down the scene”. The majority of the times I’ve seen safewords used, they are more of a “pause and adjust” than a full stop. An example would be safewording and saying “hey, this rope is too tight, we need to adjust it”, or “I feel uncomfortable with this one specific thing but the rest is good”. If all partners want to resume a scene after a safeword is used, that is absolutely fine.

4. As dominants, we’d rather you use your safeword than be hurt. Don’t feel like you’re going to disappoint us. You will only disappoint us if you fail to safeword when you should’ve and end up getting hurt.

5. Your dominant should be proud of you for using your safeword. We understand that our partners want to please us and that sometimes there is some anxiety related to safewording because of that need to please. We understand that safewording isnt always easy. We understand and that’s why we, as dominants, should be proud of our partners for taking their personal safety into their own hands.

6. Safewords are not the be-all, end-all of protection in scenes. A dominant needs to understand that when a submissive is deep in subspace, it is entirely possible that they will be too “out of it” to understand when they have had enough. It is important for us to constantly evaluate our partners’ mental state in order to know when it may be necessary to shut down a scene prematurely even in the absence of a safeword being used.

7. Dominants can safeword too. If a scene has gotten out of hand, or if it is going in a direction that we aren’t comfortable with, of if we are unsure of our partners’ capacity to continue, or if we are unsure if we are in control of ourselves, it is absolutely permissible for a dominant to call “red” and shut things down or pause for evaluation. It is responsible dominant behavior.

8. Ignoring a safeword is rape or sexual assault. No further explanation needed.

Again, this is not a complete list of everything that needs to be discussed, but through my conversation with Dani and through some conversations with others, I realized these points don’t get talked about often enough.

Lots more can be found on this topic, here.

Why don't you or a Dom get disappointed when his sub uses her safeword?

Because when a sub uses their safeword, it is a good thing. OK, on one level it means that the Dom fucked up by taking it a wee bit too far, but that is overshadowed by all the positives:
Even in the heat of a scene, they were mindful that their one abiding duty to their D type is to make sure nothing bad happens to the Dom’s property. By using their safeword, they kept their Dom’s property safe.

They showed that they are confident enough in their Dom and their relationship to use their words rather than “taking it” beyond the point of safety.

They demonstrated trust, by using their safeword knowing their D type would both respect it and be proud of them for using it.

Cotton Candy D/s vs. Meat-And-Potatoes D/s.


When I first started in D/s, it felt like a missing piece of my soul had finally fallen into place. I felt for the first time like someone validated every desire I’d ever had. And then there were the rules! Such titillating, filthy rules…

But something was missing. I couldn’t understand what it was. I was in a 24/7 dynamic with the rules and structure I craved. And I could feel his ownership in every moment, through my dripping arousal. Edging in the bathroom at work, wearing a plug on appointed days, using my body when he wanted in whatever way he desired. And this was a man that I loved deeply and had a long history with. But still, the dynamic didn’t sate me the way I had imagined.

I didn’t realize what was missing until much later, when I found that bone-deep fulfillment in another D/s relationship. I had wondered if maybe I was wrong about my need for submission and power exchange—if maybe it was just another kinky thing I liked. But what I realized is that you can have 24/7 D/s with someone you love and still get D/s wrong. The difference is in how you structure it and where you put your focus.

Now that I’ve learned what fulfills me, I’ve come to see power exchange relationships as falling into two groups. I call them cotton candy D/s and meat-and-potatoes D/s.

My first D/s was cotton candy. 

It was sexy, happy fluff. It was exactly how I wanted to submit, and it was so easy to get lost in it. But it couldn’t sustain me. The thing about cotton candy is that it tastes great when you’re eating it, and 5 minutes later you’re starving again.

Then there’s meat and potatoes. 

Meat and potatoes don’t bring the sugar rush that cotton candy does, but they sustain you so much longer. Meat-and-potatoes dynamics weave the power exchange into every part of the relationship. They are dynamics you can still feel when you’re doing the laundry or watching a movie together or focused at work. They do have candy. And holy wow, it is the best candy. But that’s not the core of it.

Meat-and-potatoes dynamics are about fulfilling needs, not wants. They are about each partner taking seriously their responsibilities to one another and to the dynamic. Permission for an orgasm may be denied, not in favor of edging multiple times but in favor of completing an important work/school/home project. 

Instructions to wear nipple clamps under clothes are traded in for instructions to schedule that damn optometrist appointment OR ELSE. A ritual about being stripped and cuffed may not lead to face fucking and hard use, but to quiet snuggles at the end of a long day.

When you build your dynamic on need fulfillment instead of wish fulfillment, it takes you down a much different path of communication. It guides Dominants to understand why their submissives make certain requests. It helps them find what their submissives genuinely need, not just what they say they need. And it helps submissives to anticipate their Dominants’ needs, even if that need is a night to themselves. 

These dynamics don’t rely on exciting sexual tasks to keep the ownership connection alive, because that connection flows through every interaction. Meat and potatoes may not have that jolt of excitement in every moment, but it leads to a power exchange that is much more sustainable and healthy.

I thought rules and tasks would sate my deep hunger for power exchange. But the substance matters. My first D/s felt unfulfilling, but it wasn’t the D/s itself. It was the way we built it. And once I found a dynamic that gave me bone-deep fulfillment, I wasn’t starving anymore.

Submissives cannot live by cotton candy alone.

Responsibilities to each other and the Dynamic are what builds and sustains happily ever after.

Cotton candy is just magical thinking that dissolves in the first few drops of rain (or tears) to fall …

Safewords, Defined

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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friedcherryblossomprincess: This is where I put my regular mention that my Master, Alouette and I use a “red/yellow/green” system and of our safeword drills.

A “red” signal means we need to stop NOW.

Yellow” means that we’re getting close to a limit and can we please not go any harder/further right now.

Green” means “I am loving what we are doing right now, please do MORE!”

And we PRAISE each other when we safeword and tell each other how pleased and proud we are that our partners are looking out for their and our safety.

We also do regular safeword drills. Once every month or two, one of us will randomly safeword just to check that we do it right. When it’s a drill, we confirm that it’s a drill, we double-check that we are all okay to carry on and we praise each other. Then we continue playing.

Just to be clear again - it is OKAY to safeword. It is OKAY for dominant partners to safeword. It is OKAY for dominant partners to stop if they feel uncomfortable. It is OKAY for dominant partners to stop if they need to.

Both dominants and submissives deserve to feel safe, comfortable and get care and reassurance when they need it.

See also:  

No Safeword is Not an Excuse

Let’s Talk About Safewords - As a dominants, we’d rather you use your safeword than be hurt. Don’t feel like you’re going to disappoint us. You will only disappoint us if you fail to safeword when you should’ve and end up getting hurt.