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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):
I truly deeply believe that BDSM is a gift in my life. BDSM is an opportunity to realize fantasies and generate incredible experiences, memories, and stories. It engages all my senses and sets my mind ablaze. When I am in that moment, I want to record every last detail of the encounter and to do so I have to bring my mind to be fully present in the moment.
I have to forget about the company I have to troubleshoot tomorrow at work. I have to clear my mind of my buddy’s dog going through surgery on Monday. I need to bring my mind fully into the moment and keep it from wandering. Like many in my generation I was identified to have ADD, so while centering myself doesn’t entirely overcome that wandering attention… it does help mitigate the issue.
Doing so lets me fire on all cylinders, think ahead to what’s coming up, and make sure my submissive is behaving how I want him to behave. Maybe the benefits and experience of what being present in the moment are different for you. The only way to know is to practice and experience it yourself.
- Mute distractions: This is truly the first step to tuning into the moment. Turning off your phone, muting your pc, putting the dog in the backyard, going through the steps to close down distractions can become a little ritual. The ritual itself eventually becomes a way of bringing yourself into the moment. Your mind and body recognize the actions the process through which you can become aware in the moment. It is useful to also perform the actions in the same order and fashion to make it into a ritual of sorts. Don’t forget, we’re doing this to calm your mind! So make sure that part of the ritual is mental as well, letting go of the world and events around you for the time being.
- Meditation: It’s literally the oldest trick in the book. I am not a spiritual person and that’s not how I use meditation. I use it to help me calm myself and temporarily gain a longer attention span. There’re a million websites, blogs, videos that will be happy to help you learn to meditate. Try it. You might be pleasantly surprised. Being the proponent of self-discipline that I am, I’ve found it useful as a way to steel my will and replenish my will power.
Most importantly of all, I use meditation to instill a sense of calm in myself. The calmness is a transitory state to my dominant headspace. Achieving calm gives my dominant headspace stability because no other thoughts can provide turmoil in my mind at the same time serving as distractions.
- Practice turning off your mind: Meditation is a way to accomplish this but try sitting for just five minutes and just clearing your mind. The most likely experience of this is a thought will pop into your head. That’s normal. Try to acknowledge it and gently dismiss it and let your mind go blank. You’re going to have a number of thoughts arise like this, simply practice dismissing them and letting them go. The normal state of our minds is to be active. So it’ll take some practice to learn to clear your mind. Just stick with it.
- Cool down and get in touch with yourself: I’ve also found it useful to meditate after a session. I had a guy come over once for pain play. He was much more experienced than many of the boys I usually play with and our session was really intense. I had a really nice dominant’s high afterwards. I wanted to enjoy the sensation so I just savored the power and good feelings.
After they subsided, I took a few moments for mediation and used a technique I use to get in touch with myself. I did so and I felt a flare of tension in my shoulder blade. I acknowledged the sensation, and let it clear, and let my mind empty. This time my biceps felt tense and sore. I opened my eyes and realized that for the first time I’d beat a boy so hard that not only had I developed a nice high, I had been so fucking into the scene that I hadn’t even noticed my muscles hurt.
Have a question or need a friendly ear?
Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com!
And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.
We all have busy lives with lots going on at any given time, and it’s easy to get caught up in thinking of the future and what we need to get done and forget all about where we are in the present moment. Being a distracted partner can be detrimental to your relationship if you’re too focused on either the past or the future instead of the current moment. Here’s how to be present and live in the moment in your relationship:
Leave the past in the past. Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. If you are stuck in the past and can’t stop dwelling on old relationships, scenarios and things you could have done differently, they are bound to get frustrated. You’ll never be able to move forward if you’re stuck dwelling on the past and your partner will likely get sick of waiting for you. Learn to recognize that the past is in the past and that your current relationship is based right now, in the present.
Let the future unfold on its own. If you’re obsessed with thinking about the future, planning ahead and plotting your next move, you’ll miss out on what’s happening in the present moment. Your partner will feel like they aren’t enough to hold your interest, and will resent your lack of focus on where you are right now. If you’re too busy trying to be one step ahead you’ll miss our on the fun and experiences that you’re currently having.
Compartmentalize. This trick really works for assigning a time and place to focus on different things in your life. It won’t be easy at first but you can learn to do it naturally. Make a conscious choice to only think about work when you’re at work, and if you have to think about it outside of that, assign a specific time. Maybe you’ll spend an hour on Sunday mornings planning for the week and checking emails. Then you’ll free up the rest of your time to focus on other things. Do this with work, school, relationships, etc. You won’t feel like you’re neglecting any areas if you know you have time set aside to focus on them.
Unplug. You can’t help but think about work if you are glued to your phone, refreshing your email every two minutes. Or if you’re so engrossed in a text conversation with your two best friends you’ll miss out on spending time on whatever is happening in front of you. Unplug and get away from your devices when you’re spending time with your partner. It will help you to be fully present and in the moment if you’re not carrying on conversations with other people and looking at your cousin’s vacation photos on Facebook.
Slow down. Multitasking can be great and sometimes it’s the only way to get everything done, but it can be harmful too. If you’re so focused on juggling all of the balls you have in the air you won’t have any attention left for your partner. Instead of editing a paper for school while you watch TV while you have dinner with your partner, try just doing one of those things at a time. You’ll be more focused and enjoy your time with your partner more if you’re just hanging out and not trying to do five other things at once.
Simplify. A great way to slow down and be more present is to try and do things more simply. For dates, pick just one thing like dinner or going for a walk together, instead of planning elaborate and complicated evenings. The fewer things you have going on will mean you can devote more attention to just being together, talking and enjoying the moment.
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