Ten Top Communication Mistakes

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No one is a perfect communicator, especially when our emotions are involved. It’s easy to say the wrong thing, take something the wrong way, or make assumptions that can quickly lead to disagreements and hurt feelings. Here are 10 of the top communication mistakes that people make and how to avoid them:

Not talking face to face. Talking over texts or email is fine for minor conversations, but you should never have an important talk this way. When you can’t hear someone’s voice, as you can on the phone or in person, it’s all too easy to mistake their tone and take something the wrong way. When someone says “fine” or “whatever” in a text message, it’s hard to tell if they’re cheerful or cold. There are so many subtleties in our tone of voice that can easily lead a conversation one way or another, and they are missed when you’re dealing in written communication. Next time you want to have an important conversation, make sure to do it in person.

Assuming they know what you want. Your partner is not a mind reader, so if you want them to do something you need to be able to just come right out and say it. It’s not fair to be mad or sulky because they weren’t able to guess what you need or want from them. Don’t make the assumption that they will anticipate your every need – just come out and tell them instead, and there won’t be any confusion.

Generalizing. Avoid making sweeping generalizations when you’re talking, like, “you never listen to me”, or, “you always put your needs ahead of mine”. It’s rare that something will “always” be true, and it only makes the other person defensive. Stick to the issue at hand and be more specific. Say something else, such as, “You weren’t listening to me last night and it really bothered me”.

Getting too emotional. Emotions are welcome in conversation, but you need to be able to control them in order to have a mature conversation that has a chance of going anywhere. If you burst into tears at the first sign of an argument or confrontation, it basically shuts down the entire conversation. Or, if you storm off, start yelling, or fly off the handle it makes it impossible for the conversation to progress. Learn ways to rein your emotions in so that you can continue with the conversation and have a chance to resolve the issue.

Putting words in their mouth. Don’t project your thoughts or feelings onto your partner by putting words into their mouth. It’s not fair to anyone to make assumptions about what they think and accuse them of feeling something that they may not be. If you have a thought on something and you want to vocalize it, just make sure that you assign responsibility of it to yourself instead of projecting it onto them.

Not thinking before you talk. Blurting things out before you’ve thought about them is a surefire way to put your foot in your mouth, offend someone, or say something that you don’t mean. Consider your audience before you talk and take a minute to filter what you’re going to say to eliminate any potentially hurtful words.

Shutting down. No conversation stands a chance if you won’t let it happen. If you shut down and refuse to talk then you’re never going to be able to resolve any issue. Conversations can sometimes be painful or filled with anxiety, but they need to happen in order to move forward. Refusing to talk about something is only going to keep you stuck in the same place.

Timing it wrong. Don’t try to have an important conversation when your partner is preparing for a big presentation, watching the superbowl, or on their way out the door in a rush. It’s not fair to spring soething on them when they’re distracted, and the conversation won’t go the way you want it to unless you can both give it your full attention.

Rehashing old stuff. Don’t bring up old grudges or arguments every time you have a new disagreement. Leave the past in the past and just deal with the issue at hand, or the conversation will become so drawn out and complicated that neither of you will even remember what you were talking about in the first place.

Not being clear in the outcome that you want. When you’re asking your partner to make changes, or do something differently, be specific and let them know what outcome you want to see happen. If you don’t ask for exactly what you want then you can’t ever expect to get it. Let them know that you want something specifc to change or to happen so they aren’t just guessing that they’ve done it right.