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Introduction
This lesson plan, guide, tutorial or whatever you want to call it is in three basic sections. The first is about your role, responsibilities and traits as a Daddy, the second is about learning to ‘read’ your boy and the last is about ‘training’. As I have said before, this is entirely my opinion, experience and philosophy and should be taken as such: as a framework of hints for your own exploration of Daddy-hood. It’s meant to be a starting place for your journey and with luck will offer some tips and tricks to making that journey more enjoyable.
Because I am writing this as an absolute foundation level introduction and assuming zero knowledge of the reality of the fantasy I am going to begin with a brief discussion about what the terms used really mean.
Daddy: A Daddy is a dominant figure, quite literally a Dom in relation to those called Sir or even Master. Dominant is the term for the entire spectrum of roles that take that role in this kind of relationship. Daddy is pretty common vernacular for an older male who is both gay and dominant/masculine. It’s been used for ages in that context and in this one maintains that meaning.
son/boy: A son/boy is a submissive, meaning that they yield and defer to the instruction and guidance of their Dom, in this case a Daddy. In this context, son is used in the more generalized paternal sense, as a priest would refer to anyone as son who happened to be male.
Power Exchange: The concept of a power exchange is central to the Dominance and submission found in this kind of situation. The power is, obviously, given by the boy to his Daddy in the form of obedience, respect and control to varying degrees. This goes both ways beyond the surface because a boy maintains, at all times, the power to end a play session entirely or just call for a break through the use of ‘safe words’ he and his Daddy come up with. This is one of the few Cardinal rules of Dad/boy relationships, especially those that branch out into BDSM or kink play in other areas. Breaking the ‘safe rule’ is tantamount to abuse and fully crosses the line into such. Part of a power exchange is trust and the fail safe of the safe word should never be violated.
Dominance: The role of the Dominant figure in a Dom/sub relationship is one who is in control both of activity and of his submissive. This can take many forms from physical dominance where you bodily control your boys movements (aka a bit of rough play) or charismatic dominance through the use of spoken word or more gentle physical stimulus.
submission: A submissive, as part of the power exchange, maintains the ability to use the safe word but in all other situations he chooses to yield to the will, guidance and control of the one he calls Daddy.
The power exchange between submissive and Dominant is what I refer to as the “Dad/boy Dynamic". It is the interaction between the two, Dom and sub, in their roles as Daddy and boy.
Part One: Being A Daddy And What That Means.
First off, this is fantasy. There’s no biological relationship involved in what is being discussed. It is, if anything, a form of role play that draws on the archetypes of those words and invokes the highest meaning of them. A Daddy is a guide, a mentor, a teacher, and much more to his boy. Daddy is someone who will protect him, nurture him, and help him to become his best self while he learns to explore his desires and their boundaries.A Daddy is a figure of strength of character, if not body as well, who has at his fingertips a library full of experience and wisdom and understanding. At least, that’s how it feels to a boy. Beyond the mask of “Daddy” there will always be the usual ‘self doubts’ and such but Daddy is a role you’ve chosen to play and so those things get put aside in favor of being the Daddy he deserves. The return on such investment is the adoration, hero-worship, and the devotion of a boy and there’s little better than that in the world.
What traits and skills does a Daddy need to have?
There is no side to this kind of relationship that ‘has it easy’ any more than the other. Both Daddy and boy put forth a lot of effort in this dynamic, but both are rewarded equally. The challenges facing a Daddy require certain kinds of traits and skills to help them manage the situations that can arise. The following are a few of those:
Communication and Understanding.
One of the things that I find critical in any form of Dom/sub or BDSM play is communication. To me this is one of the most important skills you can develop and to help teach your boy there is virtually no skill as valuable. As a Daddy you have to understand that a boy may be shy about expressing himself both intimately and sexually. Part of your role is to help create an atmosphere that allows him to ‘come out of his shell’ and begin to explore and integrate his desires into himself safely.
The challenge in that is that he often won’t know what to say, how to explain things he’s feeling or even be aware he’s hiding them. It’s not to be deceptive, it’s simply a matter of being unsure of himself. To deal with this and to guide him to that safe space you have to encourage him to communicate as best as he can without fear of judgement. Being able to do so will foster confidence in his ability to express himself and lead to stronger communication between you both.
You aren’t a therapist and shouldn’t try to be but being able to understand where a boy is coming from and help him to come to terms with his desires and feelings is a very important part of being a Daddy. You are in a unique position, one of respect and guidance in his life. You can help him set boundaries by establishing ‘rules’ for his behavior, set him with tasks that help him overcome his inhibitions and much more because of the authority the role imparts to you as Daddy.
It’s in your hands to know when and where to use ‘the heavy hand’ and force a sit down intervention when it comes to his behavior. If he’s expected to tell you the truth, a lie requires such a moment and as a figure of discipline and Dominance they are a tool you can use to encourage communication. It can be as simple as “We need to talk about xxxxx (insert problem here). Come sit here and lets talk”.
Domination and Leadership
Dominance is expressed though communication, verbal and non, more often than it is through physical force. Yes both have their place and the balance of which is yours to decide you are comfortable with and to be moderated by your boys needs and limits. Words however are a key component of the ‘role play’ of this particular form of Dom/sub.
As illustrated in the example in the section on communication, verbal dominance isn’t raising your voice, shouting while flailing and gesturing. Those indicate a loss of control and diminish your authority. They mean you’ve been ‘pushed’ as some boys will do and that they have ‘won’ the contest between you when they do so.
There are many verbal cues you can use to express dominance: closed sentences, your inflection and tone when you say things, the use of specific words and phrases like ‘good boy’ all become powerful tools to express dominance with a boy without closing lines of communication. A quick, sharp, “Now“ can bring a boy out of his reverie and to attention without yelling, snapping or ever raising a hand.
Being physically dominant can be tricky if you aren’t physically powerful, or appear to be. This is not to say that a ‘smaller’ framed person can’t be physically dominant in every sense that phrase can mean. Learning where a boy’s body bends, where it must lock in place, and where to touch to make his pulse race and knees buckle are all tools of physical dominance above and beyond any bondage or restraint play.
Part of the role of Daddy and the dominance that means is two key phrases that center on the same action: Permission. As the Daddy in the situation the power given you in the exchange is the power to say no or to say yes. A boy retains the no of the safeword but in some scenes does not say ‘no’ to Daddy. This puts the ability to give or deny pleasure to your boy squarely in your hands. You are the ‘keeper’ of his pleasure. If his desire is to please and serve it’s within your purview to outright deny this to him or to allow him to indulge his need.
My advice (and don’t tell boys this) is that you appear to deny but in reality only delay to a point of your choosing. I do this for several reasons; it makes him push himself to stay in control and obey, it gives rise to a moan or a whine from him in disappointment and then later in excitation and release of that tension. Do this right, be dominant and careful with his pleasure and you can guide him to an entirely different kind of pleasure: the kind a true submissive receives from being so to a Dom who is worthy of it.
When thinking about Domination it’s important to put it along side it’s companion trait of Leadership. It’s not enough to be Dominant to be a Daddy, you also must be a leader and a good one at that. You not only need to know where you are going, and taking your boy, but you have to be able to get him there step by tiny step if need be. You know what you’re asking of him, and don’t do so lightly or casually. When you speak to instruct it is with purpose and meaning and you are capable of doing what you ask of him if need be.
A leader understands the value of those who follow him and it is never, ever, as a disposable resource to accomplish some need or goal on their part and a boy does much more than follow you and your orders. A leader engenders trust from others that he wouldn’t blindly do something, that he’s considered it and is acting with reason and wisdom. A leader can make mistakes but will put the effort in to be better as he expects of those ‘beneath’ him.
Where dominance is the application of permission, leadership truly leans more on action and direction. You ‘take control’ of the scene, direct your boy and the activity you two are sharing. You do this in part through the use of dominance play, but also with clear instruction or demonstration. It’s part of your job to take him step by step through things as you instruct him, but it is also important to know when to take your hands ‘off the wheel’ and let him prove that he’s paid attention and learned.
The goal of leadership is to develop a chain of command and obedience so that when you speak it doesn’t need to be questioned because you are trusted by them to make the right choice. A boy may say he’ll do anything for you, but you have to show him what that means and that means taking charge even more than being dominant. You teach best when you lead by example and that is part of what a Daddy is: a natural leader for his boy.
Command vs Demand
This brings meto a very sticky situation that is often mishandled or misunderstood and in order to get you off to a better start I’m going to dismantle this problem now.
There is a whole world of difference between a command and a demand. A command doesn’t need to be shouted or be forceful to be obeyed. There is loyalty, trust and understanding when a command is given that gives it a strong chance of being followed. This however is in very stark contrast to a demand.
The best example I can give to illustrate the difference is a quote: “If you have to remind someone that you are king, then you truly aren’t’. A King commands by right, authority and nobility (quite a bit like a Daddy) but a tyrant (or a toddler) demands because they think they are entitled to obedience.
As a Daddy it is very important to give a command and to demand nothing. Demanding diminishes your power and influence. Screaming ‘respect my authority’ gets you contempt and demanding respect never earns it, giving it does. Demanding comes from a position that has less power than who they are making demands of and that inherent weakness isn’t something you want to allow to creep into your ‘Daddy’ persona.
When being commanding you are being dominant, with very ‘final’ sounding tone and choice of words, making it clear that your boy is to do as he is told without having to stoop to using those words. “do as you’re told”… something went wrong if you have to say that. The same goes with saying “Obey, comply, submit” or anything like them. Obedience is expected of him, not demanded, and your boy willingly gives that to you so there is no need to demand. It makes you look cheap to yell for what you already have.
Confidence and ownership.
Part of being able to be a dominant, commanding leader in a boys life is confidence or at least the perception of it. Everyone has weak moments or falters, but what is important is that you keep moving and don’t let it stop you from being Daddy. You see examples of this when something goes ‘wrong’ during sex and someone gets embarrassed and wants to run away. Then you have to pin them to the bed, remind them who they are and who you are and bring them back around to where you were before the ‘oops’.
The key there is ‘moving on’ without being hindered by it. It doesn’t matter where or when, things go wrong. It’s life but if you let it get the best of you it can erode your confidence which is something a boy looks to his Daddy for.
To that end I have a motto: Own what you do and where you go.
Everything. Everywhere. Whatever the occasion or location, if you are there it is yours. Not in the demanding sense but simply because you were there. You don’t scream for special attention or be petty, you simply are the boss. If you are performing, or walking down the street or shopping in a store, wherever you are belongs to you. It’s that ‘air’ that gets peoples attention without being obnoxious about it. It’s that aura that confidence exudes.
In a more private setting, what you do with your boy requires a sense of ‘ownership’ of the activity. When showing him how good he can feel, be in complete control of yourself and the activity. It’s your show after all and while he’s the lovely assistant from the audience, you are still the magician. When something goes wrong, roll with the punches but maintain ‘ownership’ of the scene. Turn the oops into laughter when you can do so but don’t let it stop your pace or cause you to lose control.
Being confident is no easy trick, nor is it a parlor trick when you are. As you grow accustomed to your role you will grow more confident in performing it and that is a key point: you are playing a role so own it. If you want him to believe you’re the best daddy in the world, then BE that for him. Don’t just pantomime it, make the role part of you when you’re together and really go the distance in making that happen.
A weakness of human nature is reciprocity and gratitude. When you go that distance to be the best Daddy you can, when you REALLY learn to be confident, commanding, dominant and a leader, your boy will become your perfect compliment, the beta to the Alpha, the boy to his Daddy.
Developing Your style.
When considering being a Daddy there can be a lot more than just dirty talk involved. That may be as far as you want to go with this and that’s fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a little light role playing. At no point should you feel pressured to be more than you are comfortable with, and the same is true of your boy. Learn where your interests and boundaries lie and explore them. Figure out what are your ‘limits’ and what are guidelines. If you feel that being a Daddy might be worth experiencing then it is worth exploring.
Part of being a Daddy means figuring out what works for you as much as what works for your boy. If you both aren’t having fun then something went sideways and you’ll have to backtrack to put it back on course again. That’s an important thing to pay attention to, and I’ll cover in more detail later, a boy may ‘give in’ because he thinks that’s what he’s supposed to do. The reality is that you two should be checking in with each other “does that feel good Daddy” or ‘you like that boy?’Little things like that are very important to refining your approach and technique with your boy. There is as much give and take in the process as there is decision on your part as the Daddy.
This process involves deciding what ‘kind’ of Daddy you want to be, what fulfills your needs and makes you happiest. One component of the style of Daddy is your views on things like personhood, actualization, and emotional investment.
When it comes to Domination and submission there is a range that can be described using those three terms. On one extreme you have the ‘owner’ who has an ‘object’ for his use, the middle would be the Dom/Sir/Master with his submissive/pet and on the far side from Owner would be Daddy with his boy. It can be seen as a scale, or meter, where there’s little interest in the personhood of a submissive when dealing with the most extreme owners and that increases all the way out to where it becomes a focal point for the relationship on the far side of Dad/boy play.
Emotional investment refers to the apparent presence of affection or love between a Dom and his submissive. The same idea of a scale works here as well where the apparent affection is highest between a Daddy and his boy and least between an owner and an object. This is not to say that there isn’t love, it’s only addressing the apparent presence of it and if that can undermine the ‘scene’. It would certainly be odd to have a dominant figure say he loves his ashtray but not so strange to hear a Daddy say that he loves his boy.
Actualization. This again is another scale. This time it’s looking at personal growth, depth of exploration of sensuality/sexuality, and integrating that into the psyche of your submissive. One of the ‘jobs’ of a Dominant is to help his submissive reach ‘sub-space’ which is when their mind is fully submissive, obedient and they are non longer required to be anything else. Each of the ‘three’ main styles of Dominant approaches this in different ways as best suits their needs and those of their submissives. Each of them is concerned with this element and like the other two each Dom has a different approach to the value of them in his particular style.
You have to decide, for yourself, where you are comfortable and what fits best with your relationship with your boy. Not every boy is built the same, obviously, and so a varied approach tends to yield better results over all. This said, there is more that can be incorporated than just Domination, submission and those scales.
Kink, Role Play And Fetish.
While a boy may seek out a Daddy and vice versa because of traits that could be a fetish it’s not all there is to it. That’s like saying a preference for blue eyes is a fetish, it’s not. Being a Daddy or a boy is a way of mutual expression and shared enjoyment, bottom line the same as any other kind of relationship. It’s not even that strange after you’ve been a Daddy for a while but it can seem so from the outside and even for you for a time. Once you’ve adjusted to being responsible, in control and being “Daddy” as you are comfortable, you’ll come to find there’s little about it that’s even odd.
Part of the umbrella that includes this form of Domination and submission is a whole realm of activities that are considered kink as well. From spanking, to bondage, water sports, and much more, there really aren’t limits to what you can do together that you don’t set together.
Many boys enjoy being spanked as well as Daddies often enjoy administering them. The important thing is to explore together and discover what you both enjoy. With compromise, cooperation and communication you can both safely explore the limits of your ability to share pleasure and I highly encourage such when those three things are present..
Role play on the other hand is a very valid point. What we do, for many reasons, is a form of role play. Consider it like acting and you have a part to play in a scene. This is, in fact, the source for the vernacular of ‘scene’ and ‘play’ because they aren’t to say it’s not serious or deep, but to remind others that it’s meant to be enjoyed as you play out a fantasy. Role play itself has so many varieties that it’s impossible to really cover even an introduction to it, but what matters most about all of them is language.
The word choice, the way things are said, are all important parts of this kind of sexual activity. Even more than being physically dominant or older or anything else, the words you use as a Daddy have the power to stimulate. Part of the process of helping a boy come out of his shell and get to know his desires while learning to express them is discovering the right words to say along the way.
Enjoyment of the ‘familial’ fantasy can be part of this for some, but only some. In their fantasies they act out scenes of ‘home life’ and play parts according to the mental script for it. From the soccer coach and star player to the priest and altar boy, these are fantasies being explored and played out as the people involved adopt the role of their choice. There’s nothing of reality to any of it, but as part of a scene you get to participate in the interactive experience of fulfilling fantasies together.
One element to role play that isn’t often viewed as such is that of the ‘boy wife’ or the use of non-sexuality appropriate things. The language used is a major part of those fantasies. The idea of impregnating a boy is scientifically and medically impossible (currently) but it is a serious turn on for some people to play out that kind of scene.
The unifying theme to these elements is that they are forms of expression through acting out various fantasies or simply by adopting the roles as a more regular part of the time spent together. That’s the core element of Daddy that matters, that it’s part of who you are to them and for whatever reason they have decided so, it’s the role you get to play. Being a Daddy isn’t just a facet of who you are, it’s something a boy enables and gives you the ability to be because without him you aren’t really being a Daddy without being with a boy who pins that medal on your chest.
Part Two: Breaking The Boy
The second installment in the Daddy 101 series is about one of the aspects of being a Daddy and more than just the basic theories which were covered in the first chapter.This lesson is specifically about breaking a boy. It’s one of the more complex aspects of being a Dominant because it involves a great deal of soft touch subtle guidance, understanding and patience.
Breaking a boy:
By far one of the most important things that a Daddy can do is to ‘break’ his boy. I don’t mean the brutish crushing of independence, willpower or self esteem; I mean the process of disarming psychological ‘baggage’ that prevents him from becoming his true self and learning to express those things without shame or fear or guilt. This may sound like a lot of poetic hokum but it is a very real process of Prime Submission of a boy to his basic needs as a submissive.
Being a boy isn’t just a hat you put on when it’s time to go out on the weekend. It’s in integral part of the internal reality of someone who feels like they are a ‘boy’. There is something deeply fulfilling for them in this kind of ‘play’ but most often there is an excessive amount of misplaced guilt and shame from toxic masculinity and warped sense of roles. Those things are not the fault of the boy himself, but of the world we live in which oppresses satisfaction in general and especially in sex.
To explain the importance of submission to a ‘boy’ I want you to think of it as having a sex organ that you cannot touch but can interact with. It’s deeper than his ‘head space’ as a submissive because it’s found at the core of his being rather than as an image in his mind. When breaking a boy he will always learn something about himself that he’d never thought of before and part of what you (as a Daddy) do is to prevent him from developing deeper shame or guilt when he discovers those things. You help him transition from curiosity to want to need because those elements he’s discovering are vital parts of his ‘psyche’ and his sexual world.
The Process of Breaking.
What is “Breaking” and why would you do it?
Breaking is the intensive and intimate experience of having someone who nurtures and shelters the innermost self of a boy and allows him to step out of his shell nakedand unashamed of himself. It’s a form of counter-programming and deprogramming. Think of it like reverse brainwashing where the boy is a victim of cult abuse and you help him begin to cut himself free from those beliefs they instilled in him by providing safe space and an alternative to those things.
You don’t remove those things, that would be disastrous, so instead you offer choiceby putting him at odds with his growing understanding of his desires and the repression he’s breaking free from. It’s more a motivator than a force at work that you’re providing. Much like bait trap hunting, you place something he wishes for just outside his shell and reward his success with appreciation and approval but you also do not punish failure. That will happen, a lot, during the process and since you’re fighting against negative ideas about himself, you need to avoid adding any to the pile.
The central and crucial part of breaking is known as establishing a locus of control,which is a fancy way of saying ‘I make my own decisions’, and it is critical that Daddy NOT be the center of this action because then anything he gains can be lost if anything changes in your relationship. The point of breaking is to make him the primary ‘actor’ in his internal world, not let him pin all the good things on you. That backfires brutally every time.
The goal should be to put all the power in his life back in his hands and instill the confidence to make his own choice. I frequently mention the use of conflict between desire and fear, and in using that you can encourage change without directing it which is crucial to establish that locus of control and secure it within his safe space within him. Then and only then can he truly be free of the things that plague us all and be in a position to reach for his desires without fear or shame.
A boy starts with several things almost universally: a sense of shame over his basic sexuality which is only amplified by this sense of needing something in the Domination and submission fetish lifestyle. This is made even worse by the common desire for the stereotype of the “Daddy” being an older male. Before you’ve even said hello to each other, all three of these have made a subtle appearance behind the scenes.They cause a ‘dissonance’ between the ‘boy’ he feels he is inside and the toxic imagery of ‘man’ he’s supposed to be according to other people who have had influence in his life.
Think of it like having three white noise generators in your head. They may make things seem ‘normal’ but in reality they are silencing the inner discussion that should be going on. They make it hard to think, speak or act when what you do causes them to activate which happens anytime you being moving towards this kind of realization. So, as the Daddy, you have to find some way to help him move away from those noises into the quiet space you can create for him that will allow him to finally get to know himself.
These problematic influences very commonly get in the way and inhibit even his ability to ‘take that step’ and make contact at all. It takes a lot of effort to learn to overcome those things on your own, but one thing a Daddy can do is provide a reason to. The same is true of every kind of relationship, but within the context of the Dom/sub world we can do so directly rather than strictly passively even though we do that as well by being an ‘idea’ they yearn for.
But why break a boy? Simply put, the primary reason one breaks a boy is because in order for him to truly submit he must be in control of himselfand the only way to do that is by removing the inhibitions that have been placed on him by society, religion and even past experience. Everyone carries around some form of baggage like this but by breaking a boy you are, in reality, breaking him free from their control over him and giving him the true choice of what to do with his desire and how to express his nature. By drawing on his instinct to avoid pain and reach for pleasure you can encourage him to make the choice himself to be less afraid of those things and eventually abandon those negative thought patterns about himself.
You can’t truly make a boy submissive, you can only make him passive, but even that has its limits no matter how far you push that kind of abuse. Being submissive is a part of his inner nature and, like his sexuality, when suppressed often leads to depression or at least dissatisfaction with his sexual identity. What you can do, as a Daddy, is help him identify, explore and express those parts of himself that have been repressed while beginning to embrace the kinds of pleasure he truly needs. That’s where breaking comes into play.
How do you break a boy?
There are several approaches you can take to this process, but all of them (and ALL of this lesson) come with strong words of caution: do not undertake this casually. While there is a ‘simple’ level where you make him choose obedience over reticence, even that can have strong effects on his psyche. You don’t want to ruin a boy when your goal is to help him know himself so he may decide to submit to you or not. You have to accept that this is not about you, nor is it about what you want as a Daddy. Your intention and goal has to remain his empowerment and liberation.
Not everyone has the long time to work at this and it may not be needed with every boy either. Outlined below are several methods you can use in any situation, from the weekend play dates to the full time relationships. The trick is figuring out the combination and the nuance in application to make it effective with the time you have together.
For the ‘casual’ (read: on occasion) time together, using the starer methods may prove more useful but for a long term one I prefer taking baby steps even with experienced boys. The following will be described in terms of a ‘session’ on a date but they can be applied to daily life just as easily and should be employed in a persistent relationship that has this as part of it.
As I mentioned previously, as a Daddy you can provide an active conflict between what he desires and the negative self impressions he has that put him at odds with those things. Without pushing, you put his fear at odds with his desire and give him the ‘space’ to sort out his decision. A Daddy is a patient gardener, helping tend the soil, provide water and gentle light while weeding out the bad things that try to grow along side his boy.
To begin this process you need to create safe space which can be a challenge depending on the time you two have available and how easy it is to draw the line between ‘outside’ and ‘inside’ worlds. You want to keep outside OUT of the experience when he is in your care. What matters is that there is consistency and a sense of the difference for him. Some ways you can do this would be things like:
1 Set rules about clothing in your ‘space’ together. This can be as simple as a ‘ritualized’ action like taking off your shoes upon entering so long as you clearly state to him that “The outside world stays with your shoes. None of that comes with you in here”. Use your authority to draw the boundaries between the two worlds and don’t waver on them or let it slip. If he needs to talk, let him but reinforce that the shoes are off. If you are taking a gradual approach, start small like this and don’t just jump into being ‘naked’ that can be a bit shocking but eventually that may be a valid step toward the goal.
2: Continue to delineate between the two worlds. A change of language used that specific environment can be very useful as well. In the home space it’s “Daddy” for you and boy/son (etc) as you two see fit. The language used is another tool to create that ‘fantasy’ element he’s after as much as you are so use it as such and it can help get him into the right ‘head space’.
3: Ritualized bathing. Shoes off, language changed and before any other activity (perhaps even before really speaking to each other at first) escort him to the bathroom and either help bathe him (this can be very effective) or wait patiently for him to have cleaned the outside world off him. Make sure he knows the why of this, that you want him to not have that world clinging to him when you are together.
4: Special clothing/gear or nothing at all. Here’s where you can emphasize the role play by having a set of special clothing for him to change into. Ideally it’s something he either already feels sexy in or wears nothing at all once he is dried. Baby steps would be the gear, bigger steps (and an eventual goal) is to have it make no difference to how he feels between dressed and nude.
5: Set the scene. If your play involves BDSM, lay out all the toys you want available and display them. You may give him the choice, but the selection is yours to choose. What matters most is that the space between the entrance where his shoes are, to the bathroom where he washed off the world to the bedroom where the ‘future’ waits needs to be a transition for him. You’re giving him time to decompress and let go before jumping into play.
6: Maintain explicit and consistent check in methods and check out methods during the session. Have both hand gestures and vocal safe words, confirm his understanding of them and ensure he knows you are serious about their use. Be prepared for them and use the time after them even more carefully. That’s when you actually have the chance to prove your intentions and care for him even more than the previous steps.
It shows him how you will be when he hurts or is frightened. Don’t waste it. Try to keep it from getting there by using predetermined phrases that he will know are hischance to object or stop events without using the safe words/signals. Things like “You like that boy?” or ‘That feel good baby?” are pretty standard and easy to use but the important part is they are both check in with him and his chance to check out if things are going badly for him.
7: Aftercare. I cannot emphasize the value of aftercare in breaking a boy. Yes play can be rough, both physically and mentally demanding, but it should never preclude taking care of him afterward. There are a lot of ways that you can do this but the most important will be physical intimacy and a sense of comfort provided by you. Do not let the ‘scene’ end and leave him alone unless it is explicitly part of a dynamic ‘punishment’ session but even then you do so after the aftercare is done. Talk with him, cuddle, stroke his head or just hold him for a while before anything else happens. Time out is a cool down but shouldn’t really be used in aftercare if your goal is to break him.
These are just some examples of ways to interject the mental division between the two worlds during time with a boy. The need for them varies between instances and boys just as much as anything else does so it’s best to avoid too much rigidity and allow room to adjust and fine tune.
The biggest component is consistent repetition. You are employing the same conditioning tools others would use to do harm, but you are using them to instead empower him by creating the opposite of an abusive situation when you are together. You’re creating an explicitly supportive environment free of any need to have shame, guilt or be embarrassed that isn’t part of the type of play you two engage in. You do this by creating ‘challenges’ ,in addition to the previously mentioned steps, which will be detailed in a later installment.
Final Thoughts on the basics of Breaking a boy:
There are many relationships for whom the previous wouldn’t really help in breaking a boy but even in ones that center on shame, humiliation and similar can employ the concepts here to create that kind of safe space where he can express himself without fear at the very least. Some thrive on that kind of adversarial influence from a Daddy but even they need a controlled environment to engage in this safely.
The illustrations in this lesson are designed as a basic way of understand how this process works. They are the primary tools, but not the only ones you will have as in future installments I’ll discuss behavior shaping, goal setting, reward/punishment systems and more in greater detail.
To put this in an ‘easy to remember’ formula:
Consistency, Repetition, Control, and Conflict.
What you do has to be a dependable factor in your time together.
These habits form a barrier between outside and inside worlds.
Remain in control of the ‘environment’ and set the stage.
Existing dissonance will be broken through patience and an application of choice/reward scenarios that put him in direct conflict with his beliefs about himself.
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