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By Dorothy Hayden
THE BREAKUP
Submissives in the throes of a breakup with their dominant often ask me if I think the pain of relationship breakup is different from “vanilla” relationship breakups and how they can make sense of the feelings of horrific loss, confusion, anger and disorientation that they feel.
First of all, I think the dynamics of Ds relationships are very different from “vanilla” relationships. Different dynamics give rise to different feelings about relationship loss. For the submissive individual, the bond of relationship is everything. Being a bottom offers fulfillment by enabling the submissive to feel merged with another human being. The bond to the dom is an intense one, giving meaning, value, fulfillment and a sense of identity through the activities of serving and pleasing.
For some dominants, however, an intimate bond is harder to achieve, as he/she sometimes treats the partner almost as a nonentity. A slave, after all, is a nonexistent person to the dom in whose eyes the sub may have less and less to offer. As a result, the dom often loses interest quickly and consequently tends to want to change partners more frequently to achieve the conquest of having a new slave (who sometimes is more of an object than a person).
After all, it is control and admiration that motivates many doms, rather than commitment to growth, exploration and stability in one relationship.Being a submissive often involves a certain disavowal of self. The self ceases to be a decision-maker or a person capable of exerting initiative while in the relationship. Moreover, the normal identity of the individual is suspended in the process of serving the dominant.
Being submissive helps a person to make sense of his life in certain ways: it answers the need for purpose in life, and for a sense of efficacy or feeling that one does have control over one’s environment (through pleasing the dominant). The Ds relationship also addresses the bottom’s need for feeling that one’s life and actions are right and good. The dom’s will is an end in itself, an ultimate value for her/his slave.
The submissive also receives a sense of self-worth from his/her relationship to her master/mistress. People need to feel that they are important and valuable. Serving is a way of receiving validation and approval by one who is seen as perfect and omnipotent. And when the one who is seen as perfect deems the submissive as unworthy, the emotional result can be devastating. The break up thus deprives the submissive of the opportunity for feeling competent; undermines the individual’s self worth achieved through being a good slave to an esteemed master; and reestablishes the submissive’s (often unwanted) necessity of making choices and taking responsibility from which he/she was sheltered while in the relationship.
Now, suddenly, difficult judgments about what is right or wrong to do must be made on one’s own. The wishes and commands of the dominant partner have been the ultimate source of rightness and goodness for the masochist’s feelings. The demands to make decisions, to accept responsibility, to cope with pressure and crises, to prove of identity is shaken by the breakup of a B&D relationship.
For the submissive, the correct course of action had always been to please, satisfy and obey the dominant partner. The relationship to the dominant partner thus had taken over as the major value base for the submissive. Relationship is extremely important to submissives; more so than to their dominant partners, and even more important than sexual activities.
All problems of right and wrong had been resolved for the submissive and the anxiety and guilt and doubt that accompany such moral dilemmas had been removed. The submissive needed only submit and obey in delightful dependence. Finally, the submissive gains a powerful and seemingly viable model of fulfillment in the relationship. The submissive achieves the utmost in intimacy by blending him or herself completely with the partner’s will.
The submissive also derives strong sexual satisfactions. Thus sexually, emotionally, and spiritually, submission provides intense fulfillment. What happens when the relationship is over? When the dom leaves, the ultimate source of direction, feelings of competency, self-worth and meaning is gone. The result can be psychologically devastating. Especially when it is not her/his choice, the submissive feels frightened, angry, confused, depressed and overwhelmed.
THE GRIEVING PERIOD
Dealing with relationship break-up is dealing with a phenomenon that is a part of our common human heritage: loss. Especially if the relationship was long-term and sometimes even when it wasn’t, the same mechanisms of mourning over that which is lost kick into place. You may mourn the loss of your companion, your lover, your protector, your provider. You may mourn no longer being a part of a pair. And if your life has been lived entirely through your dominant, and the person through whom you lived is no longer there, you may mourn the shattering loss of a whole way of life.
Some submissives may mourn the loss of the purpose of their existence. And some, whose sense of self was built upon the dom’s approving, validating presence, may find that they are also mourning the loss of that self. Knowing what to expect in the mourning process may be helpful in knowing that what you’re experiencing is what most people go through when they lose someone they love. Knowing that others have gone through it is to know that you’re not alone.
How we mourn will depend on our inner strengths and our outer supports and will surely depend on our prior history of love and loss. Often a relationship loss in the present kicks off feelings of unresolved prior losses. Sometimes the loss of someone we love revives our childhood fears of abandonment, the ancient anguish of being little and left.
Submissives, especially, who have always related to the dominant as a parental authority figure, are often flooded with intense feelings of fear, rage and abandonment that are residues from childhood traumas..Generally, the stages of grief are: denial, anger, guilt, acceptance and adaptation. Some disbelief, some denial is a common first reaction. Especially if you didn’t see the breakup coming, you may feel like you’re in a numbed out state, unable to comprehend what you’re hearing.
You may spend some time thinking he/she doesn’t/couldn’t mean it, or thinking they’ll come to their senses sooner or later. As the reality sets in, anger is a common next reaction. You hate him or her for abandoning you, especially after you’ve invested so much of yourself in serving and pleasing . Somehow, in your mind, pleasing them perfectly would ensure that they would always protect and guide you. Now they’ve betrayed the bond.
You feel vulnerable, betrayed, enraged. Often, guilt and self-recrimination take over. The dom, the ultimate source of good judgement, knowledge and power, must have made the right decision. You feel you must be unworthy. So, of course, you blame yourself. What did I do to drive them away? Could I have been a better slave? Did I not please them? Am I unworthy of their attention? Did they leave for another slave? How is that person able to please where I was not?
These feelings are a normal part of this type of relationship mourning. But, as there is an end to the relationship, there is also an end to the grieving of the relationship. You move your way from shock, denial, anger, and guilt to the completion of the mourning. And although there still will be times when you miss your master/mistress, completion means recovery, acceptance and adaptation. You’ll recover your stability, your energy, your hopefulness, your capacity to enjoy life and to invest in other relationships. You’ll accept that the relationship is over - and be a wholer and wiser person for it.
HELP FOR HEALING
If the process of recovering from the loss of your master/mistress seems too awful to contemplate, I’ve included some tips to recovering from the loss of a love to make the journey a bit smoother. The tendency will be to blame yourself, because, after all, the dom is always right. Resist the temptation. Doms may need new models for all sorts of their own reasons which my include, believe it or not, their own shortcomings. So be very gentle with yourself - kind, forgiving, tender.
Accept that you have an emotional wound, that it is debilitating, and that it will take a while before you are completely well. And for heaven’s sake, don’t blame yourself for any “mistakes” (real or imagined) that you think brought you this loss. Get lots of rest, eat well, exercise, remember to take deep breaths, meditate, under-indulge in addictive substances (they retard the mourning process).
Go to your support group (or discover one) and get lots of comfort from people who have gone through similar scenes. People who have survived similar losses can provide support and guidance - and are proof that you too will survive. Stay close to friends and family. Get lots of hugs. Don’t forget to laugh. The telephone is a great tool for support. Use it.
The longing to serve may be overwhelming. Don’t make the mistake of getting into another situation until you have completed this grieving process. The result could be “rebound” and you won’t be making solid decisions. You don’t want to create more pain for yourself. Make sure that your next relationship isn’t a reaction from the former one.
Expect to feel afraid. You’ve been abandoned. The bond, the tie that held you together has been disrupted. You will fear being alone, fear that you’ll never have someone to serve again, fear the pain, the desolation and torment that may lie ahead. But remember, fear can help you meet the challenges of life - and it will pass.
Embrace your feelings - its OK to feel depressed, suicidal (feel, not act), angry, guilty, desperate, alone, homicidal. There feelings are a natural part of the healing process. They mean you’ve loved. And again, they will pass. When you can, forgive your dom. Don’t do it for him/her. Do it for your own peace of mind and the quality of your future relationships.
And finally, begin anew. Let go of the loss and the pain, know that you are a stronger person, have the courage to begin relating again, and know that you are a better person for having loved.
Successfully Breaking Up
From BDSM Weblog:
I also posted this at another blog that I write for, but I think it’s pretty widely applicable so I’m posting it here, too. Of course, BDSM relationships tend to have their own break-up complications, but this is mostly about how to deal with the emotional aspects of a breakup, not the social aspects.
Breakups are inevitable. That’s not to say that all relationships are doomed to end, but it is nearly impossible to go through life without ever having to end a relationship. And in having more than one romantic relationship at a time, generally poly folks have to deal with breakups more than monogamous people. So I’d like to talk a little about some good and bad coping strategies to use when ending a relationship.
The following is information I’ve gleaned from my own break-ups, and those I’ve observed. So it comes from my experiences, those of others, and my knowledge of psychology and people in general.
In my experience, break-ups are formulaic in two ways: there’s a formula for doing it in a way with the least amount of overall pain, and there’s a formula for how people naturally want to do it. And in my experience, these two things are mutually exclusive.
When breaking up, do:
When breaking up, do not…:
And on that note, the road to healing is not a smooth one. It is filled with peaks and valleys — maybe one day you’ll feel fine and completely over it, convinced that you’re fine and will be fine going forward… and the next day you’ll cry and just want to be in their arms again with everything as it used to be. It sucks, but that’s how it goes.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel — you will heal eventually. I hope that the above advice helps people get to that light more quickly.
BDSM Breakup Tips
Holly
The end of any relationship is difficult, but a bdsm break up can even more challenging. The level of trust between a dom and sub runs so deep that once it’s broken, by cheating or feelings that have changed, both parties are going to take a long time to heal.
A dom may suddenly feel powerless and/or a sub may wonder what he did wrong to end the relationship. Sometimes couples attempt to continue their bdsm relationship without romantic feelings, although this is rarely a viable solution to moving on. Making a clean break and giving yourself time to recover is usually the best for both you and your partner.
Moving on from a BDSM Breakup
Support
Feeling alone is natural after a breakup. How open you are about your lifestyle can affect how much support you receive. If you’re not part of a larger bdsm community, this may be the time to reach out. There’s nothing like being able to discuss your specific pain with like-minded individuals. Online forums can also be a place for support and feedback.
Respect
Feeling angry is common after a breakup, especially if you’re on the receiving end. You may have thoughts of revenge and want to lash out, but don’t. Of course, you know very intimate details of your partner’s preferences and kinks (perfect revenge material), but they also know yours. Take the high road thus protecting both your reputations.
Property
Often bdsm couples, who’ve been together a long time, have accumulated many things – toys, videos, clothing, etc. You may need a third party to help divvy up your belongings. Another way to go is to give up most of your things and start fresh. A clean slate will open you up to the possibilities of someone new, a new relationship.
Time
You’ll be tempted to jump right into a new relationship, whether your motivation is to forget about your last partner or as a way of lashing out and hurting your ex. Most of time these don’t amount to anything long-lasting; the experience just adding a new level of hurt. Bdsm relationships require you to focus deeply on a partner, something which isn’t possible with the baggage you’ll be carrying in. Hurting someone else in turn is not the answer.
What’s your experience with bdsm breakups?
Successfully Breaking Up
From BDSM Weblog:
I also posted this at another blog that I write for, but I think it’s pretty widely applicable so I’m posting it here, too. Of course, BDSM relationships tend to have their own break-up complications, but this is mostly about how to deal with the emotional aspects of a breakup, not the social aspects.
Breakups are inevitable. That’s not to say that all relationships are doomed to end, but it is nearly impossible to go through life without ever having to end a relationship. And in having more than one romantic relationship at a time, generally poly folks have to deal with breakups more than monogamous people. So I’d like to talk a little about some good and bad coping strategies to use when ending a relationship.
The following is information I’ve gleaned from my own break-ups, and those I’ve observed. So it comes from my experiences, those of others, and my knowledge of psychology and people in general.
In my experience, break-ups are formulaic in two ways: there’s a formula for doing it in a way with the least amount of overall pain, and there’s a formula for how people naturally want to do it. And in my experience, these two things are mutually exclusive.
When breaking up, do:
- Make sure that you’ve talked it out first, and gotten closure. Sometimes both parties aren’t going to want the break-up; if you’re on the side that wants to stay together, keep in mind that if the other person isn’t invested, then it just won’t work no matter how much you want it to. You can’t force it.
- Be steadfast. After having talked it out, if the decision was made that breaking up is what needs to be done, keep to that. Sometimes it’s going to feel like you made the wrong decision; accept that you will feel this way, and don’t let it sway you.
- Have a support system. Rely on your friends. Have someone you can go to, to tell them what you’re going through. Preferably, someone who has been there themselves, and can warn you away from the pitfalls.
- Accept the pain. It will be there even if you do things perfectly, and it is part of the process.
- With that said, here are some things that people do that interferes with the break-up process.
When breaking up, do not…:
- …avoid the pain. This is closely related to #4 in the “do” section, but merits its own mention. That’s because this is what your natural instinct will be (we feel pain, we want to avoid it), but don’t follow that impulse. That pain is not only unavoidable, but necessary in order to let go of the relationship. It’s fine to distract yourself from time to time, to take the pain in smaller chunks, but don’t let that turn into avoidance. There is a difference between coping with the pain, and trying to take a shortcut past it. The latter never works out well, and only ends in more pain in the end.
- …break up during the heat of emotion, like during/after an argument. Arguments happen, feelings get hurt, even in the most healthy of relationships. The decision to break up needs to be made with a clear mind.
- …go immediately from being lovers to being friends. I cannot emphasize how important this is. Especially if one party involved hasn’t fully let go of the relationship, don’t try to go directly from lovers to friends. It’s impossible to make that transition successfully without having a period of no contact. That means none – block them on Facebook, don’t go to an event that you know they’ll be at, no contact at all. I’ve seen many cases where people think that they are open/honest enough, enlightened enough, whatever enough that they can skip this no-contact period. And I have yet to see a single instance of that leading to anything other than more pain.
- …have break-up sex. This leads to the yo-yo cycle of breaking up and getting back together again. If you must have break-up sex, let it be with someone other than who you’re breaking up with. Sometimes fucking someone else is the best way to get the taste of someone out of your mouth (pun intended). Though beware #5 below.
- …get into a serious rebound relationship. Rebounds are fine, in my opinion, and can even be healthy, as long as everyone recognizes it for what it is. That’s also not to say that a rebound relationship can’t ever develop into a “real” longterm relationship; but in my experience, that’s rare.
- Dealing with a breakup generally involves going through the five stages of grief in the Kübler-Ross model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The stages don’t always come in that order, mind you, and we can revisit previous stages. For example, you might be intensely angry at the other person until it wears you down into depression, but then at some point later when you’re not as emotionally fatigued, you could feel the anger again. And sometimes, some people don’twant to let go of the pain and the anger — that’s all that’s left of the relationship, and they feel compelled to cling to it in any way that they can, even if unhealthy.
And on that note, the road to healing is not a smooth one. It is filled with peaks and valleys — maybe one day you’ll feel fine and completely over it, convinced that you’re fine and will be fine going forward… and the next day you’ll cry and just want to be in their arms again with everything as it used to be. It sucks, but that’s how it goes.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel — you will heal eventually. I hope that the above advice helps people get to that light more quickly.
BDSM Breakup Tips
Holly
The end of any relationship is difficult, but a bdsm break up can even more challenging. The level of trust between a dom and sub runs so deep that once it’s broken, by cheating or feelings that have changed, both parties are going to take a long time to heal.
A dom may suddenly feel powerless and/or a sub may wonder what he did wrong to end the relationship. Sometimes couples attempt to continue their bdsm relationship without romantic feelings, although this is rarely a viable solution to moving on. Making a clean break and giving yourself time to recover is usually the best for both you and your partner.
Moving on from a BDSM Breakup
Support
Feeling alone is natural after a breakup. How open you are about your lifestyle can affect how much support you receive. If you’re not part of a larger bdsm community, this may be the time to reach out. There’s nothing like being able to discuss your specific pain with like-minded individuals. Online forums can also be a place for support and feedback.
Respect
Feeling angry is common after a breakup, especially if you’re on the receiving end. You may have thoughts of revenge and want to lash out, but don’t. Of course, you know very intimate details of your partner’s preferences and kinks (perfect revenge material), but they also know yours. Take the high road thus protecting both your reputations.
Property
Often bdsm couples, who’ve been together a long time, have accumulated many things – toys, videos, clothing, etc. You may need a third party to help divvy up your belongings. Another way to go is to give up most of your things and start fresh. A clean slate will open you up to the possibilities of someone new, a new relationship.
Time
You’ll be tempted to jump right into a new relationship, whether your motivation is to forget about your last partner or as a way of lashing out and hurting your ex. Most of time these don’t amount to anything long-lasting; the experience just adding a new level of hurt. Bdsm relationships require you to focus deeply on a partner, something which isn’t possible with the baggage you’ll be carrying in. Hurting someone else in turn is not the answer.
What’s your experience with bdsm breakups?
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