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A Dominant must:
1. Respect. There must be respect for the submissive - respect for their desires and wishes; respect for their nurturing and growth; respect for their consent, body, and safety. Dominance without respect becomes dangerous.
2. Protect. Taking on a submissive is a serious undertaking, and the Dominant becomes responsible for their protection and safekeeping. They must be kept protected from others and even from certain parts of themselves. Dominance without protection is powerless.
3. Direct. The Dominant must command, instruct, and guide on no uncertain terms. Directions must be clear, concise, realistic, and specific. This is the primary active role of the Dominant, to provide direction and guidance to the submissive. Dominance without direction is inadequate.
4. Inspire. It is not enough for a Dominant to simply give direction; they must inspire the submissive to obey the direction. In different dynamics, this will take different forms - submissives may be inspired by fear, pain, command presence, love, experience, or a number of other factors and qualities. Dominance without inspiration is contrived.
5. Correct. Once direction is given, the Dominant must follow through and correct any faults and shortcomings observed in the submissive’s obedience - with any discipline required to enforce the corrections. Dominance without correction is unproductive, or worse, counter-productive.
6. Nurture. Direction and correction should be given to grow and better a submissive, not just for the sake of it. A Dominant should challenge a submissive, expand their limits, and encourage their potential. Dominance without nurturing is tautological.
7. Learn. The Dominant must learn from experience, successes and mistakes, feedback from the submissive, and research. They should always be actively learning and seeking to expand their knowledge in order to better dominate and direct. Dominance without learning is irresponsible.
Qualities of the Dominant
A Dominant is:
1. Trustworthy. Trust is borne of actions, not words; it is built from a habitual indoctrination of respect, reliability, and consistency - and can easily be lost even after being cultivated for years. To be worthy of a submissive’s trust is the highest praise for a Dominant. A Dominant worthy of trust is a true Dominant.
2. Honest. Being honest, open, and forthcoming enables trust and safety for the submissive. A Dominant must cultivate openness and honesty, even in the most minute matters, which includes avoidance of truths. An honest Dominant is a benevolent Dominant.
3. Communicative. A Dominant must be communicative throughout all phases of the relationship, whether the dynamic stays in the bedroom or is 24/7. Communication is the active expression of honesty. A communicative Dominant is an attentive Dominant.
4. Disciplined. In order to enforce discipline, a Dominant must be strongly disciplined. This extends to all facets of life - emotional stability, resistance to vice, fiscal responsibility, health, work ethic, et cetera. Discipline lends the Dominant the maturity and resilience to nurture a submissive in the face of overwhelming challenges. A disciplined Dominant commands respect.
5. Knowledgeable. While it is perfectly natural for a novice Dominant to be lacking in some knowledge, a practicing Dominant must have a good base of knowledge and experience to draw upon, even if it is external experience. Without it, they pose significant risk to the submissive’s physical, mental, and emotional health. A knowledgeable Dominant is a confident Dominant.
6. Flexible. A Dominant understands that all submissives and dynamics are different and changing, and does not approach either one with a rigid mindset or uncompromising preconceived notions. Flexibility allows the Dominant to react quickly and appropriately to a variety of challenges, setbacks, and unexpected scenarios. A flexible Dominant is a wise Dominant.
7. Committed. Whatever the parameters of the D/s dynamic, the Dominant and the submissive necessarily form a relationship. A Dominant who is not invested in and committed to the submissive only considers them a curiosity or passing interest, and will not truly fulfill the Responsibilities of the Dominant. A committed Dominant is dedicated to the happiness and fulfillment of their submissive.
Principles of Good Dominance
There are a number of ways in which members of the BDSM community attempt to draw the line between acceptable or legitimate play and abusive or dangerous play. One of the most often quoted ones is “Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC)” [Wikipedia], with another popular one being “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)” [Wikipedia].
While these are great and valid approaches that cover the baseline requirements of BDSM, we would like to put forth our own principles with explanations to make explicit what we feel are the requirements for good Dominance: Consensual, Responsible, and Informed.
Consensual. The Dominant must ensure all play is consensual and remains consensual through the use of Active Consent, Limits, and Safewords. While these measures protect the submissive and ensure the integrity of consent throughout the activity, it is also necessary for the Dominant to monitor for warning signs in the submissive that may raise concern.
Active Consent is required for any BDSM activity. This means that the Dominant must obtain explicit consent prior to engaging in any activity, and that given consent must endure throughout the activity.
There are a number of ways in which members of the BDSM community attempt to draw the line between acceptable or legitimate play and abusive or dangerous play. One of the most often quoted ones is “Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC)” [Wikipedia], with another popular one being “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)” [Wikipedia].
While these are great and valid approaches that cover the baseline requirements of BDSM, we would like to put forth our own principles with explanations to make explicit what we feel are the requirements for good Dominance: Consensual, Responsible, and Informed.
Consensual. The Dominant must ensure all play is consensual and remains consensual through the use of Active Consent, Limits, and Safewords. While these measures protect the submissive and ensure the integrity of consent throughout the activity, it is also necessary for the Dominant to monitor for warning signs in the submissive that may raise concern.
Active Consent is required for any BDSM activity. This means that the Dominant must obtain explicit consent prior to engaging in any activity, and that given consent must endure throughout the activity.
Limits must be established for both the Dominant and the submissive. These may include “soft limits” and “hard limits” of what each party is willing to do or not do.
Safewords must be clearly understood by the Dominant. If the submissive will be unable to speak or be heard clearly, it is imperative that clear non-verbal safewords be established.
Responsible. While the submissive is also an active and willing participant in the activities, the responsibility rests upon the Dominant to ensure Safety, Accountability, and Aftercare.
Safety is the first priority. The Dominant be thoroughly researched in the activity to guarantee safety, and take precautions to not only avoid injury but also be able to respond and treat should they occur.
Accountability lies with the Dominant. By taking the active and leading role in the dynamic, the Dominant accepts unlimited accountability for all consequences and outcomes.
Aftercare must be given following a scene or activity. It is the Dominant’s duty to ensure the submissive is stable and taken care of even after play ends.
Informed. It is incumbent upon the Dominant to keep informed, and also to ensure that the submissive is making fully informed decisions. Without it, the criteria for consent cannot be met. Open Communication, Knowledge, and Sobriety are key to this.
Open Communication is the cornerstone of a safe relationship and dynamic. The Dominant must take all steps required to maintain safe, open, and honest communication with the submissive.
Knowledge of the dynamic, activities, and risks must be a priority for the Dominant at all times, and they must ensure the submissive is also engaging in activities with full awareness and ability.
Sobriety from substances while engaging in play ensures that both parties can maintain informed and active consent, continue the scene safely, and communicate clearly.
As you can see, these principles very closely mirror those of SSC and RACK. They are not meant to replace or supplant these popular schools of thought, but are offered as further or more explicit exploration of the same principles with a specific focus on the role of the Dominant and the entailing responsibilities.
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