A Boy That Knows The Power Of Surrender And Has Given Himself Over To It Completely.

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imlostinvertigo:

This picture pops up in my feed often, and I get lost in it every time. The Sir’s gloved hand resting gently on his boy’s cheek, strength being used so tenderly and with great affection. And the look of peace and utter contentment on the boy’s face…that’s a boy that knows the power of surrender and has given himself over to it completely. You can feel the trust and love between them, read it in their body language. Need meeting need. It’s so beautiful.

I know what that feels like. I’ve gone to that place. And it’s changed me. I’m not the same person I was when I started this journey a year ago. I’ve put names to needs I didn’t know I had and experienced the bliss of truly letting go. I’ve become vulnerable in ways I didn’t know possible and I think I’m a better man for it. The great sex, the giving and receiving of pain, the discipline and control: at their core, what brings them their magic is the intense connection created by the exchange of power between a dominant and a submissive. Having felt it, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to be without it.

I went into this for the kinky sex. And I got that. But I got so much more than I bargained for as well.

When I was younger and first realized I was attracted to guys much older than myself, I struggled with it for years. In the back of my mind, I always wondered if that attraction was the result of having been the child of divorce with a physically distant father. That maybe I was just playing out some unhealthy psychodrama of trying to win back my father’s presence in my life with these daddy types I was fucking. Eventually I came around to the conclusion that it didn’t matter. Maybe there was truth in that psych 101 explanation, and maybe there wasn’t. It was ultimately moot because I felt the way I felt, and even knowing the exact origin of those desires wouldn’t change the fact of them. I am who I am. What I was doing made me happy. And older men are just fucking sexy.

I’ve come around to that on my need for submission. The armchair psychiatrist explanation is straightforward enough: I’ve always stayed in such control of everthing and everyone in my life that now I crave a place and mode of being where I can let go of that control completely. And, sure. There’s truth in that. But this isn’t math. It’s not that simple. And that knowledge, even if it were the whole truth, wouldn’t change the reality of it.

I don’t know exactly what this means for me in the future. I know I can’t put this genie back in the bottle, but I haven’t figured out the exact role I need it to play in my life either. While our feelings and connection aren’t complicated at all, the situation and logistics with my Sir are. I hope that I’ll be able to serve him for a long time to come. But I know that’s not guaranteed. Contemplating that scares me for many reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t know what I’d do with these needs I have without Him.

Is it enough for me to submit to someone on a part-time basis? Will that sate this deep yearning that I have? Or will I only find the peace I’m looking for if I give myself over to a Sir completely, 24/7?

I don’t know the answer to these questions, so I keep walking this uncertain path not sure of where it’s taking me. There’s no other choice, really. I can’t unknow the things I know, and I have to see this journey through. I have this hope that if I proceed with vulnerability, an open heart, and complete honesty that I’ll be happy with my destination when I get there. And I pray that I’m not delusional in thinking so.

In the meantime, I look at this photo, at this beautiful moment of surrender and protection captured perfectly, and I feel grateful that I know what it is. It may have made my life more complicated than I was prepared for, but knowing that I would still take that first step on this road.